Where the Shadows Lie, Chapter Five
Title: Where the Shadows Lie
Author: JALover7
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sam+Dean gen
Spoilers: 7.23 “Survival of the Fittest”
Genre: angst, hurt/comfort
Disclaimer: Supernatural isn’t mine, but you already know that.
Summary: Coda to the season 7 finale, so major spoilers. In his quest to rescue Dean from Purgatory, Sam gets help from an unexpected source, and something that’s been missing for a long time comes back. Multiple chapters, WIP. Chapter titles inspired by "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy and "The Hobbit."
Where the Shadows Lie
Chapter Five: In the Darkness Bind Them
When Cas first leaves him, Dean is afraid he won’t come back; that he will be stuck here for eternity. Alone.
But then Cas returns with a few crudely constructed weapons. They’re the best he can do with what Purgatory has to offer. Dean also finds a few items in his pockets that came with him from Earth: his lock pick kit (useless) his gun (the bullets are gone within two days), and a protein bar (gone within one). But he also has his silver knife, and Dean is grateful for the instinct that tells him to have one on him at all times.
Cas’ weapons work well against the simple monsters, those that can be easily killed by good old fashioned hacking and slashing. The more complex creatures present a challenge, and it falls to Cas to destroy them. But killing Purgatory monsters quickly takes a toll on him, draining him of his angel powers.
Then one day, Dean wakes to a bright light that burns his eyes after so much darkness...and a terrifying scream that chills the blood in his veins. He opens his eyes just in time to see Cas disappear in a brilliant white light.
And just like that, his worst nightmare is realized, and Dean finds himself alone. He doesn’t see Cas again. He spends the next God-only-knows-how-many months, years, decades, wandering alone through Purgatory.
Purgatory is a strange place. It offers just enough to keep him alive. He finds pools of fresh water that dry up within minutes, lasting just long enough for him to quench his thirst and keep him moving until he finds the next one. Purgatory also offers him squirrels and small rodents, a few berries and nuts here and there. One day Dean actually manages to find and kill a deer that sustains him for a few weeks and offers him a chance to replace his old clothes, which have long since worn thin.
But food sources are few and far between, and Dean never lets himself forget Cas’ warning: “eating monsters will eventually turn you into a monster yourself.” Dean takes him at his word, and he refuses to eat anything that’s not a rabbit or a squirrel. He would rather starve to death than become any of the things he sees around him.
The weather in Purgatory offers its own set of horrors. The rain that falls from the sky is acid, and it burns his skin. The trees offer little protection, and he considers himself lucky when he can find a rock to crawl under. Storms are even worse. Lightning strikes the trees like they are made of copper, and all Dean can do is run and pray for shelter. Sometimes he’s lucky enough to find a rock or cave, and he hides away as the wind howls and the acid burns the leaves off the trees and the lightning sets the sky on fire. But the storms offer a bit of a reprieve: fire seems to be the only thing the Purgatory monsters fear.
Purgatory continues to offer him just enough to keep him alive. Just enough to keep his body going, but never enough to keep him strong and healthy; never enough to keep his spirits high. Purgatory is like a living, breathing monster Itself. It’s always dark, an unending night full of shadows created by nothing, roads that lead nowhere. The very air that Dean breathes tries to poison him with hopelessness and despair. As Purgatory destroys his mind and his spirit, It offers him just enough to keep his body going, and Dean knows in his heart that this is just what Purgatory wants: to keep him alive so that It’s denizens can torment him.
And torment him they do. Werewolves, hellhounds, vampires. He fights them off as best as he can with the weapons Cas left him, with his silver knife. Dean keeps his body going, but his soul, his mind, his hope are all beaten and twisted until he slowly begins to forget. He begins to forget what the sun feels like on his skin, what laughter sounds like, what a woman’s perfume smells like, what cherry pie tastes like. He begins to forget Earth, even begins to forget his own name.
And then the shifters come for him, and they look just like Sam. They act just like Sam. They tell him they’re there to save him, that they’re there to take him home, and Dean falls for them at first. Every time Sam shows up Dean manages to forget where he is, and all he can grasp at is home. Sam’s here, he’s going to save him, he’s going home.
But it’s a lie. Every. Single. Time. Instead they torture him, taunt him. Call him useless, pathetic, worthless. Tell him that Sam, the real Sam, will never show up. He doesn’t care enough, Dean’s not worth it.
And when Dean starts to believe it, he forces himself to forget Sam, too. It’s easier to forget Sam than to face the ache that begins anew every time he sees Sam’s face and knows it’s not his brother. Dean stops looking for Sam; whenever Sam shows up, Dean fights him off and runs. But then Sam always catches him. Everything in Purgatory is too fast for him.
Then one day, in a scuffle with a particularly nasty version of Sam, Dean loses his silver knife.
And then Alastair finds him, and there’s nothing but pain.
----
Sam jerks awake suddenly, panting heavily and looking around in terror. It takes him a second to realize what woke him up.
Dean.
Sam hears his brother scream, and when he looks down at the floor he finds Dean tangled up in his blanket, tossing and turning, caught tight in the throes of a nightmare.
Sam’s out of bed and on the floor in an instant.
“Dean? Wake up. Dean!”
He calls out to Dean first, and when Dean doesn’t wake, when he only continues to thrash and moan, Sam grabs his shoulders and tries to shake him awake.
“Dean, wake up. It’s just a dream. Wake up!”
Dean screams again, louder than before, and Sam’s heart twists at the sound. He shakes him harder.
“DEAN!”
Dean gasps loudly as he wakes up. He tries to sit up, but the blanket is twisted around his body. He scoots clumsily away from Sam until his back hits the dresser. He cowers against it, eyes scanning the room wildly.
“It’s okay, it’s over now,” Sam soothes.
Dean glances up at the sound of his voice, and finally his eyes settle on Sam. He continues to pant as he tries to focus on the room around him.
“You’re safe now.”
Sam scoots closer to Dean on his hands and knees, and Dean flinches.
Sam pauses, unsure of how to calm his brother down.
And then it hits him.
Ever so slowly, Sam reaches out to Dean. Dean turns his head away, but he doesn’t move as Sam digs underneath the blanket and grabs the amulet. He lifts it up with one hand and touches Dean’s wrist with the other. As gently as he can, Sam pries open Dean’s fist, slips the amulet into Dean’s palm, and wraps his brother’s hand around it.
Dean keeps his head turned away from Sam, eyes shut tight, while Sam holds Dean’s hand between his own and breathes in and out slowly and evenly, willing his brother’s breathing to calm down with his own.
And it works. Slowly but surely, Dean’s body stops trembling and his breathing evens out. Eventually, Dean opens his eyes and looks up at Sam.
“See? You’re okay. It was a nightmare. You’re home now. Safe and sound.”
Sam lets go of Dean’s hand and watches his brother open up his fist. He stares down at the amulet for a long time. But when he finally looks back up at Sam, he nods slowly, and Sam smiles at him.
Sam stands up and heads back to his bed, giving Dean time to adjust. Eventually, Dean untangles himself from the blankets and settles back down on the floor. When he falls asleep a few minutes later, he’s still clutching the amulet tightly in his fist.
----
Sam doesn’t go back to sleep. He sits awake in bed for a few minutes before he realizes he’ll never be able to fall asleep again. He heads downstairs to the living room as quietly as possible so as not to wake Dean.
He finds Jody sitting up on the living room couch.
“How is he?” she asks without preamble.
“He’s….” Sam pauses, not sure how honest he wants to be. But as he sits down next to her on the couch, he sighs heavily, and it all just comes flowing out.
“Not good,” Sam admits. “He hasn’t…he doesn’t remember me. At least, I don’t think he does. And he hasn’t said a word. I don’t know how I...I don’t know how to help him,” he finishes lamely. He stares down at his hands, deep in thought.
After a moment of silence, Jody reaches out and gently grasps his hands between her own. “I know this is hard for you, Sam. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. But Dean’s gonna need time. And he’s gonna need you.”
Sam looks up at Jody as his eyes begin to water against his will.
“It may not seem like it now, but your brother needs you, Sam. You two boys…you’re each other’s whole world. He’ll come back to you; I know it. He just needs time, and patience. And besides, if there’s anyone in this world that can get through to Dean…it’s you.”
Sam pauses as tears spring to his eyes, and he brushes them away angrily. His brother needs him. Sam has to be strong. For Dean.
He opens his mouth to respond, but he can’t get any words out, so he just nods. Jody smiles, then kisses him lightly on the forehead and stands up.
“You boys are going to be okay. You Winchesters are a lot like Bobby Singer, you know? Resilient, stubborn. Just know that I’ll help you in any way that I can.”
Sam nods again, and as Jody turns away, Sam lets out a quiet “thank you.” She turns and smiles at him again before heading back to bed.
Once she’s gone, Sam sits quietly on the couch, lost in his own thoughts. He will help his brother. He will bring Dean back to him. He has to.
Sam picks up his battered old copy of The Hobbit and starts to read. Two hours later, he’s fast asleep.
----
When Sam finally wakes up, light is streaming in through the curtains. The clock on the table says that it’s a little after noon.
Then he hears a quiet shuffling noise, and he looks up to find Dean slowly making his way downstairs, wrapped up tightly in his blanket. Sam’s so happy to see him walking around on his own that he can’t help but grin as he teases his brother with a quiet, “Morning, sunshine.”
The taunting goes right over Dean’s head, but Sam doesn’t care. Dean is alive and whole and apparently-
“You must be hungry,” Sam says softly when Dean’s stomach growls loud enough for Sam to hear it from across the room.
Sam walks into the kitchen and starts to make some soup. As he works, Dean sits down at the table and looks around, taking in his surroundings in a way that he didn’t the day before. Sam takes this as a good sign. Dean appears to recognize the place from yesterday, and it almost seems like he’s finally admitting to himself that he’s here, for real, and he might as well familiarize himself with what’s around him.
Sam sets a glass of water on the table, and Dean sips it slowly without being prompted. When Sam’s done with the soup, he sets it in front of Dean and waits.
Dean eyes it warily at first, like it’s going to come alive and eat him. Sam reaches out a hand to take the spoon, but before he can touch it Dean picks it up and starts to eat. He doesn’t eat fast, and he doesn’t eat much, and Sam doesn’t really expect him to. When it looks like he’s eaten as much as he’s willing, Sam hands Dean another glass of water and gets him to take a few more sips before he pushes it away.
It’s more than Sam had hoped for.
They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes before Sam can’t take it anymore.
“Want to watch some TV?”
He’s not entirely sure what to do with Dean at this point, but he figures that watching crappy movies on TV isn’t a bad place to start, considering how much Dean used to love doing that before.
He leads Dean into the living room and tunes the TV to a channel with some stoner comedy, possibly Harold and Kumar or Dude, Where’s My Car?, he still gets them mixed up. Sam sits on the chair across the room and starts to read.
He gets lost in Middle Earth for maybe half an hour before he senses that something is wrong. He looks up just in time to watch Dean lean over the couch and throw up on the floor.
Sam’s on his feet in a flash. He grabs a trashcan from next to the couch and gets it under Dean just in time to catch the next round of vomit, and Sam waits as Dean throws up all the soup and water he just drank.
When he’s done, Dean sits up, pale and sweaty and shaking. He looks at Sam and actually blushes in shame, and it freaks Sam out more than he cares to acknowledge.
“It’s okay,” Sam says soothingly. He goes to the kitchen and gets a few wet paper towels and some cleaner. He hands a towel to Dean, and while Dean shakily wipes his face Sam cleans the mess on the floor. He dumps all the used paper towels into the mess of the garbage can and throws the entire contents into the kitchen trash.
When he comes back, Dean is sitting on the couch staring into space. Sam puts the now clean garbage can on the floor.
“Do you…want to try again?”
Sam’s fairly certain what’s going on here, but he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. Not yet. After everything Dean has been through, he can’t be sick on top of it. He just can’t be. Sam just needs to get him to keep some food down and he’ll get better.
At least that’s what he tell himself as he offers Dean the rest of the reheated soup. Dean eats even less than he did before, and when Sam offers Dean a small piece of toast, hoping the change in food will get him try more, Dean shakes his head and moans.
Sam leads him back to the couch to watch the rest of the movie. Sam watches Dean for about fifteen minutes before Dean starts to shiver. He wraps himself up even tighter in the blanket, and Sam feels his heart start to race.
Please, God. No. Sam prays to himself.
Five minutes later, Dean bends over the couch and vomits into the garbage can.
Sam approaches him slowly and stoops down next to him. He places one hand on Dean’s back and rubs gently, and Dean’s too busy throwing up to protest at the touch.
Sam places his other hand on Dean’s forehead.
His brother is burning up.
“Crap.”
…tbc…
AN: I’m not sure I will be able to work this into the story, so I want to at least mention it. In my mind Sam’s dream about Alastair torturing Dean was real. Alastair tortures Dean up until the point where Sam enters Purgatory. The power of the amulet that chases the shadows away from Sam also works to chase Alastair away from Dean. So when Sam shows up in Purgatory, Alastair flees. When Sam finds Dean, he’s just been shaken up by his encounter with Alastair, and being without his silver knife, he has no way to defend himself against shifter Sam except for a rock. Poor Dean.
Also, just wanted to note that all the chapter titles are inspired by "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy and "The Hobbit," and the story title also. The description of Mordor as being the land "where the shadows lie" just made me think of Purgatory so much.