Eurovision semi final 1
Montenegro : Rambo Amadeus - Euro Neuro
We start the first semi off with our favourite country Montenegro (no, it’s not really our favourite country, but it’s the home of such gems as “Just get out of my out of my out of my life” with the shaking bumfun, so it’s quite high in my personal ranking). This year they’re sending Rambo Amadeus. I get the feeling they thought they were hilarious when they thought up that name. Unfortunately Rambo (seriously?) starts rapping after the fantastically bombastic entry. But with lyrics like “I got only one rule / always stay cool / like a swimming pool.” I’m willing to forgive him.
Click to viewIceland: Greta Salome & Jonsi - Never Forget
I’m a sucker for this kind of folky Drama with a capital D. This is what a duet should sound like, Azerbaijan. Not that white-dressed wind-machined monstrosity you won with last year.
Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou - Aphrodisiac
You were probably wondering how long it would take until we reached our first crappy generic-pop-song-singing sluttily dressed singer of the evening. Well, the wait is over!
And because this is Greece we get their yearly sirtaki-backtrack thrown in for free. Thank you, Greece. Yawn.
Latvia: Anmary - Beautiful Song
This song might actually be about Eurovision. Kudos for that! Now if they play the “cute” card and don’t take themselves too seriously, this should actually make the final. The song is a bit bland but I’m sure my wife (I was going to type “girlfriend” while we’ve been married nearly three years... so wrong) will love this. It’s just enough this side of “girl with a guitar” for her. And... well, as I near the three minute mark I get the feeling I won’t get this song out of my head any time soon. Which is kinda the intention isn’t it.
Albania: Rona Nishliu - Suus
My first thought, honest to god? Thank god they’re not attempting to sing in English this year. This will either have you drawn to your TV set with tears in your eyes, or you’ll be refilling glasses. I honestly don’t know where I’ll be. It’ll really depend on my hormones (being 7 months pregnant helps with these things).
Romania: Mandinga - Zaleilah
Oh, goodie, drums! It’s been a while, hasn’t it! Almost a year I’d think. We’ve reached Slutty Generic Pop Girl Number Two, ladies and gentlemen. With extra Balkan-mix thrown in, just for you! In this video you can see a girl rolling around the desert, stroking herself while a camel passes by. I’m not kidding, just telling you what happens. I’m giving up after a minute and a half. I think I’m getting too old for this.
Switzerland: Sinplus - Unbreakable
Hmz. This is not bad. It’s not particularly good either. The chorus is catchy, but the verses are enough to make me fall into a coma. I’m just not sure this is going to work on a Eurovision stage. I’ll listen to it on the CD though, if this is any consolation. Actually... yes, I know this is pretty “stream of consciousness”, but as I’m finishing listening to this I’m more of a fan. Go Switzerland! Who knows.
Belgium: Iris - Would you?
No. I wouldn’t.
Let’s just skip this one, shall we.
Belgium got to choose between not one, but two crappy songs, for a pretty crappy singer. Yay! Thank you! This is sinking straight to the bottom of the barrel, and quite rightly so. You’re 16, do you even know what you’re singing about? Probably not. Then again, neither do we. Nor do we particularly care. That’s how good this song is.
Finland: Pernilla - När Jag Blundar
Pernilla, now there’s a name if we have a girl... or not. Can I just say how fantastic I think it is that so many countries are not singing in English? And I don’t mean Molovenglish or Armenenglish or anything like that. I mean, she could be singing her shopping list and I’d still think it sounds sexy. It has definite advantages. Unless you’re Dutch, because then I know what you’re singing about and “three apricots, a bunch of carrots and so many boxes of pasta” just doesn’t do it for me. This song could either be really memorable and moving or very boring and bland. I think I quite like it, though I hope they leave the distracting dancer at home. And invest in a pretty frock for Pernilla.
Israel: Izabo - Time
The video has clowns. If Izabo takes them to Eurovision with him, a new Eurovision trauma will be born (bigger than the year Dima Bilan or what where they called last year won). For the record: clowns are evil. Clowns are not funny. Clowns are not cute. They are evil horrible specimens of depravity and should be locked far far away from children. That is all. Now provided he leaves the Evil Undead at home (Cirque Du Soleil should be doing the opening show, you can ask two of their dancers to help out with your act, we don’t mind) and sings more or less in key, this song is quite catchy.
San Marino: Valentina Monetta - The Social Network Song (Oh Oh - Uh - Oh Oh)
Well that title doesn’t promise much, now does it? And the rest isn’t much better. No, I don’t think there’s anything that can save this song. Not even a deus ex machina appearance of that Swedish guy from last year. “Do you wanna be more than just a friend / Do you wanna play cyber sex again / If you wanna come to my house / Then click me with your mouse”. Throw her in the dungeon!
Cyprus: Ivi Adamou - La La Love
You can tell straightaway from the title that this is one of the songs aiming for the jury vote, right? No. No, I didn’t think so.
Well, they spent some money on the video trying to make the song more interesting, they created an instrumental midsection in order to do something dramatic dance-wise (with pyro and a wind machine probably) and the song (Generic Pop Bland) is catchy enough. So I expect to see this again Saturday. I might even sing along to it. Please stop me.
Denmark: Soluna Samay - Should’ve known better
Denmark didn’t even bother spicing up their “official” Eurovision video. “They want a video? They can have the result show”! “But can’t we just cut to the song?” “No! The whole thing or nothing at all! We spent money on that pyro, Europe should get to see it!”.
Oh, the wife is going to love this. One tip though, Soluna. If you’d have just sung in Danish, the wife would’ve loved it even more. A female drummer though, you can’t do much wrong when you have one of those. I hope to god she loses the ridiculous outfit in Baku though. Though it’s not often you see a guy in a grey hoodie playing the cello.
Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki - Party for Everybody
Engelbert Humperdink’s groupies found out he was taking part and wanted to join him, no matter what. The best thing about this? When I watch the clip on youtube I get ads for fake teeth. Yes. Well. Just watch the video. I really have nothing to say.
Hungary: Compact Disco - Sound of our hearts.
Compact Disco. Ha! See what they did there? Well, the singer spends a good part of the video walking around in his underwear, but the fact remains that this is a perfectly fine inoffensive song. And a bit boring. But don’t take my word for it, I couldn’t stand that Tom Dice song either and I was pretty much alone in that.
Austria: Trackshittaz - Woki mit deim popo
Are they trying to annoy me having to type up these band and title names? We’ve reached the song you’d risk your life for to reach that “skip forward” button on your car stereo. Let’s just say I take back everything I said about singing in your own language. There really are no words for how horrible this song is. It’s not funny, I’m not even sure if they’re trying to be. It’s just a bit sad really. I’d say it might save Belgium from last place, but no... I’m pretty sure this will get some votes. Just not mine.
Moldova: Pasha Parfeny - Lautar
Yay! Moldova! Every year I have to look up where to find your country, but I’m generally glad you’re in Eurovision. Well, I’d gladly swap you for Austria this year, that’s for sure. It’s something funky with trumpets and if there’s any justice in Eurovision we should see this again on the Saturday.
Ireland: Jedward - Waterline
So Jedward thought they’d do a Johnny Logan, did they? A Carola? A Charlotte Nilsson? A Dima Bilan? A Dana International? I’ll stop listing them now, because there are too much of them. This is nowhere near as catchy (I won’t say “good” but I’m tempted) as Lipstick but I’m pretty sure their performance will be memorable again. If only because people will go “hang on... didn’t we see this once before? Are these guys having a fit? Should someone call an ambulance?”. You’re lucky you’re the last contestant of the night, Jedward, that means you actually stand a chance.