Eurovision semi final 1
There are children and sign language, and I’m very ready to knock it with my cynical mind but then I’m a mother now and there are hormones involved and… I’m actually fucking moved, damn you. Damn you, Sweden!
“Thank you Baku, for not killing all the gays”, Petra, our gracious host, exclaims. “We’re so happy you left enough for us to fill our arena with!”
On to those who sadly didn’t make it…
- Austria: Is silver the new white? It can’t be! There’s no wind machine. Move over, Austria.
- Slovenia: Much better with the sound off.
- Croatia: Oh crap, we must have changed channels and ended up in Sunday Mass. Where’s the red flag, the drums, the Balkan Bombast?? Shame on you, Croatia.
- Montenegro: Cyborgs? Seriously? For all we know this poor woman is shouting for political asylum and no-one is taking her seriously because of those two idiots who keep taking over. It’s so wrong. Even for Eurovision, it’s wrong.
- Cyprus: Wait. What? Who? At least they used the wind machine…
- Serbia: Remember when Serbia sent Zeljko? Yeah, how the times change… instead we get Threesome Pseudolesbian Barbie on XTC. In very unflattering dresses.
We’ll be seeing you back on Saturday :
- Can’t remember the song, but the Straight Boys were pretty impressed with your assets (Estonia)
- the Danish little woodnymph Hermione Granger (as predicted, my wife is crazy about her… just stand on a stage on your bare feet and gaze imploringly into a camera and she’s anybody’s…)
- A study in salmon pink and grey (Russia)
- Woodnymph number 2 with her Giant Friend (Ukraine)
- Try as you might, but there’s no getting rid of that accent (The Netherlands)
- Something about shoes (Lithuania)
- Every Eurovision Cliché And The Kitchen Sink (Belarus) (remember when they just used to sing “we love Belarus, lalalala”? Those were the days)
- The Best Dress Of the Evening (Moldova)
- How embarrassing, we all went shopping in the same cheap gay leatherbar (Ireland).
- Wait, what, we’re through?? Did no-one realise we sent a muppet? (Belgium)
Realisations after Semi Final 1:
- There are butterflies in Sweden.
- They’re sure proud of their bridge.
- Swedes are funny
- Salmon pink is the new white (why?? Why??)
- Leatherboys are back
- Riverdance has sadly not been asked to make a comeback. Yet. But who knows, there’s still a semi and a final to come.
And most importantly QUIT HOGGING THE WIND MACHINE, CAROLA!! Have you never heard of sharing?!
Overall conclusion after the first semi: Eurovision needs more gaylords. And more wind machine. And glitter. Enough of these ballads and unfunny attempts at standing out. We want camp and we want it now!
I can’t wait for semi final 2…
(and for the final interval, a little heads up: we expect Tornado Carola Wind Machine and Abba on a pink smorgasbord (thank you, @zurcherart). It’s got to happen!