Ticket to Here

[jamescrino]

Laying across the station,
Thoughts ricocheting off the walls,
No need to slip,
Cos everybody falls,
Take your life with every sip
Life doesn't need this contemplation.

This deep sensation,
Watching yourself fade away
With feet hangin off the edge,
Because they just don't want to stay,
Minds the same but its already fled,
Drunk from this endless meditation.

If

Comments

[michaelgriffith]

same comment that I made about another poem above... only I will add this... try if you can to find a concrete visual image which can anchor your idea... often your poems tend to waft off into more abstract thinking... some of the best poems...even very abstract ones are very concrete in their imagery...
For example: in the first stanza make this image of laying across the station more vivid... describe the scene with more intimate detail... railway lines, atmosphere, colour, broken seats... and where are the feet hanging.... it all needs to be sharpened up a bit... at the moment it is sort of like a blurry sketch... let's get the detail in more focus... worth a try... nothing to lose... don't get offended... please... only trying to help
MG

[jamescrino]

Not at all MG, every bit of criticism helps, thanks heaps MG, you taking the time to actually suggest stuff means a great deal, much appreciated.