Failure with Kai
Except for doing rounds and attending to the other functions he was committed to in the hospital, Wilson had for the most part retreated to his office for the day. For a man who usually kept his door open, an unspoken invitation for anyone who needed to, to stop in the firmly closed door spoke volumes to his staff and anyone who knew him well.
After leaving Kai’s room, the oncologist had thrown himself into his busy morning, firmly pushing any thoughts about the subject to the back of his mind for the time being but now, in the late afternoon he had no more distractions to call on and besides, he’d promised Kai he would get a list together. Really, there was only one other oncologist on staff who he could feel confident giving Kai’s case file to and that was Doctor Burbank.
In any other hospital Doris Burbank would have easily been head of the oncology department but, an active grandmother and a survivor of breast cancer herself, she had no desire to take on the pressures which came with the title. She had been quite gleeful in her nomination of a certain Boy Wonder to the title and had crowed with delight when he’d ended up on the board as well.
Wilson wasn’t sure from day to day if he adored her or wanted to throttle her but in the end she was a brilliant, experienced, insightful and tenacious oncologist who he felt confident would give Kai the best care and support of anyone on his staff.
Reaching for a legal pad of paper, he began to neatly write out her name, giving a list of her credentials and also his own arguments for Kai accepting her as his new doctor. Wilson was alright for the first couple of lines but then had to stop and toss the legal pad up onto his desk.
Slouching down into the chair, he turned towards the window of his office and stared out at the slightly gray, spring rain kissed day.
Damn it, Jimmymeboy… where the hell was your head? You were telling Robert not a week ago that Kai understood but…you sure as hell didn’t…did you?
Biting down hard on the pen cap, Wilson began to grind the hard plastic between his teeth, the cap put up a hell of a fight and the oncologist could feel his teeth and jaws starting to ache.
“Shit.” Wilson spoke softly yanking the pen from between his teeth and tossing it up onto the desk before he could risk biting the cap in two and choking himself.
Setting his elbow on the arm of the chair, he rested his face against his hand and watched the clouds, pregnant with rain, lumber across the sky. They reminded him of his own mind at the moment, full of thoughts yet changing in shape and form with each passing breath of wind.
I failed him. I let my own damn… need to save the world get in the way and I let him stick his hand in the fire when I should have steered that hand away back before it became this. Do.No.Harm. And here I’ve… probably done more harm then any one of his doctors before.
Wilson knew that Kai had tried to soften the words, there at the end, that the musician had tried to go with the classic ‘it’s not you it’s me’ scenario but the words had been little more than a whisper against a hurricane of self recrimination which had gone crashing through Wilson in those moments when he’d realized that Kai’s ‘crush’ held greater sway over the other man than he’d anticipated.
When he’d realized he’d hurt his young friend and in a way which could have been avoided if he’d just been a little more observant, caught the signs a little sooner… maybe taken greater steps to protect, Kai from getting hurt like this.
Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve…how many times has House, Will and recently Robert told you to stop trying to be everywhere at once? Damn it, that’s not an answer! Kai is … was … my patient. I had … have an obligation to him. Damn it… DAMN IT!
Wilson twisted his hand around and rubbed the heel of his palm furiously against his eyes before smacking his closed fist down onto the desk making the pen and the legal pad jump. The action drew his eyes that way and he stared at the two objects, symbols of his failure with a furious expression but they were not to be swayed by his self-flagellation, his helpless frustration and they continued to sit, patiently waiting for him to finish the job.
After leaving Kai’s room, the oncologist had thrown himself into his busy morning, firmly pushing any thoughts about the subject to the back of his mind for the time being but now, in the late afternoon he had no more distractions to call on and besides, he’d promised Kai he would get a list together. Really, there was only one other oncologist on staff who he could feel confident giving Kai’s case file to and that was Doctor Burbank.
In any other hospital Doris Burbank would have easily been head of the oncology department but, an active grandmother and a survivor of breast cancer herself, she had no desire to take on the pressures which came with the title. She had been quite gleeful in her nomination of a certain Boy Wonder to the title and had crowed with delight when he’d ended up on the board as well.
Wilson wasn’t sure from day to day if he adored her or wanted to throttle her but in the end she was a brilliant, experienced, insightful and tenacious oncologist who he felt confident would give Kai the best care and support of anyone on his staff.
Reaching for a legal pad of paper, he began to neatly write out her name, giving a list of her credentials and also his own arguments for Kai accepting her as his new doctor. Wilson was alright for the first couple of lines but then had to stop and toss the legal pad up onto his desk.
Slouching down into the chair, he turned towards the window of his office and stared out at the slightly gray, spring rain kissed day.
Damn it, Jimmymeboy… where the hell was your head? You were telling Robert not a week ago that Kai understood but…you sure as hell didn’t…did you?
Biting down hard on the pen cap, Wilson began to grind the hard plastic between his teeth, the cap put up a hell of a fight and the oncologist could feel his teeth and jaws starting to ache.
“Shit.” Wilson spoke softly yanking the pen from between his teeth and tossing it up onto the desk before he could risk biting the cap in two and choking himself.
Setting his elbow on the arm of the chair, he rested his face against his hand and watched the clouds, pregnant with rain, lumber across the sky. They reminded him of his own mind at the moment, full of thoughts yet changing in shape and form with each passing breath of wind.
I failed him. I let my own damn… need to save the world get in the way and I let him stick his hand in the fire when I should have steered that hand away back before it became this. Do.No.Harm. And here I’ve… probably done more harm then any one of his doctors before.
Wilson knew that Kai had tried to soften the words, there at the end, that the musician had tried to go with the classic ‘it’s not you it’s me’ scenario but the words had been little more than a whisper against a hurricane of self recrimination which had gone crashing through Wilson in those moments when he’d realized that Kai’s ‘crush’ held greater sway over the other man than he’d anticipated.
When he’d realized he’d hurt his young friend and in a way which could have been avoided if he’d just been a little more observant, caught the signs a little sooner… maybe taken greater steps to protect, Kai from getting hurt like this.
Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve…how many times has House, Will and recently Robert told you to stop trying to be everywhere at once? Damn it, that’s not an answer! Kai is … was … my patient. I had … have an obligation to him. Damn it… DAMN IT!
Wilson twisted his hand around and rubbed the heel of his palm furiously against his eyes before smacking his closed fist down onto the desk making the pen and the legal pad jump. The action drew his eyes that way and he stared at the two objects, symbols of his failure with a furious expression but they were not to be swayed by his self-flagellation, his helpless frustration and they continued to sit, patiently waiting for him to finish the job.