30 days, day 2
Day 02 - Your first love, in great detail
Love has always been a difficult thing for me. I suppose that I should write about a person love rather than an experience love, although I think that I experienced the latter well before I ever experienced the former.
I've had several long-term boyfriends in my life (6+ months), and I've cared greatly for all of them. The attraction felt differently with all of them. I liked each for different reasons, and I loved them all. For many of them, however, I was left with this lingering feeling of "is this it? Is this all that love feels like?" With Todd, it was completely different. He was the first person that I really remember being absolutely head-over-heels for. I was literally on cloud 9 whenever I thought of him. I could honestly have the worst day ever, but it all seemed to melt away once I saw his smile or saw the way that he looked at me. Although to be honest, I didn't really have many bad days when we first met. He had a way of making everything worthwhile, and the bad stuff never seemed that bad when he was around.
I felt supported, cared for, attractive, sexy, on fire, alive, and I had a sense that everything seemed to work out for the best. All of the betrayal from life's past seemed to be just a necessary step to get me to where I was right here and right now. I wouldn't have been able to appreciate all that I had here if I hadn't got through all of the garbage in the past. I had found what I wanted for the rest of my life. I would find myself just looking at him on frequent intervals, and sometimes I would catch him just looking at me. The sex was fantastic, and there was lots of it. We could spend a night out or a night in, and whatever we did felt like the best use of time that I could have ever imagined.
So to be fair, this is not a description of my first love. My first love ended up becoming my best friend for about a decade, and he no longer talks to me (this will come up in a future writing). I should clarify that maybe this was my first true love?
And in the interest of disclosure, this love did not last. While I still care for him very much, and I somedays wonder if I'll ever stop feeling some of the lingering feelings of love for him, the problems that developed over time became too much for me to bear, and I decided to end the relationship and preserve my sanity and sense of self. I still question the wisdom of my decision (not if it was the right thing to do, but what would be the right course of action if the variables that caused the problems in the relationship ever changed). I suppose I can address this later. For now, you have the description of my first love. It might have been a mistake to burden him with the label of "perfect," and while I never vocalized that sentiment, I certainly thought and believed that he was.