(no subject)
I got a ticket on the way home today for not stopping fully at a stop sign. When the officer asked me why I did so, I replied "because I was careless". I don't know if I could've argued out of it with him, but we didn't say much more than that. He said I was going 15 to 20 mph through the stop sign, which I highly doubt. I didn't feel like arguing it with him though. As he went back to his car to do whatever it is that officers do for so long back there, I replayed that short dialogue in my mind a few times. I stopped, though, and cursed myself for dwelling on things I couldn't change.
My mind just went spinning downward though. I just thought about how I didn't want to drive to school; how I didn't care about these stupid little traffic rules that have to be followed to the letter. For a second I cursed the police officer but I had to admit he was just enforcing this rule, which is what I really have a problem with. I thought about how in an ideal society, more people would rely on mass transit--hopefully even me--and there wouldn't be such a waste of human resources and human emotions on silly little things like this. I tried to step out of myself to see where this was going, though. I could only see what I was thinking about as more daydreaming. More of the distractions that run through my mind while I try to do well in school, seeking some higher purpose that I have yet to find out.
Even as I write this, my mind keeps trying to go back to the moment. It tries to correct things in a way that it could do if it had more time to make a rational decision. It doesn't have the time, though. I never have the time for anything--not for the little witticisms I'd like to insert into a conversation, or for the extra homework I think would be edifying to finish or polish, not even for the games I'd like the play or people I'd like to see.
When I did reflect on the moment, I wondered if maybe if any one of my friends were in that situation, what they'd say. The officer repeated "you were careless?" with what must have been some incredulity. Perhaps he thought I was a smartass. Perhaps he had no empathy for someone who wouldn't be willing to struggle to survive. I thought about how I'm not what I admire, or am told to admire in some of my friends and colleagues. I thought about how I don't have the "initiative" or the "drive" to go out and make money or to be an entrepreneur, like what my mom and so many in her generation profess to be good. I'm thinking about how I just want to escape into a game world, or to go to my friend's house and play games together day in and day out like we did in high school. In the car, I thought about how it might be nice to just lose the cognitive portion of my brain, and perhaps be a burden on some people, but not be aware of that, just as those who are currently in such a state. I thought about how I don't believe in anything I'm doing.
I curse myself for constantly returning back to that moment in time. I've told my cousin on the topic of anger that he shouldn't let it waste any more of his time than it already has. This is exactly what I'm doing. I can't step out of my bad habits. I can't even see them sometimes until someone points them out to me. In the past, I might have thought about suicide, but right now I just think about mindlessness. I'd like to bury myself in a video game. Just play until my world disappears. I know a truth down to my bones now, though. It's a truth that I didn't know so deeply, years ago when I would do this. I know that my problems will follow me no matter how hard I run away. No matter how hard I run, when I'm out of breath and tired, so close to giving up, my problems and insecurities will fall upon me without fatigue. And I will be defeated. That is how I feel now. Defeated. Defeated by this world.
In the past, I at least had the hope of forgetfulness. I had hope that if I could just throw myself into another world, perhaps my problems would disappear. I don't like the prospect of having to work. I don't like the idea of a 9-5, especially since the fields I have any skill in require that I spend even more time trying to keep up, so that I don't become obsolete. I don't like the idea that my life is no longer mine. I don't want to have 2 weeks or a month out of a year to do whatever I want. I feel like I'm kidding myself thinking that I'll find a job or career that I would enjoy. I feel like if I did find myself in such a job and could say that I'm satisfied, that I'd be kidding myself.