(no subject)
I guess whenever I write a really angsty journal entry, I feel compelled to put it onto my webspace. This is one of those.
8-12-05
Long
The title says it all. This entry is going to be long. Thats because it's going to contain a lot of personal information. In the past, my view on releasing really private information was that it would empower me mentally...I feel the same is true this time. Those who read this about me may have a changed outlook...to be honest, some might think I'm a creep or I'm cruel.
Since coming back from China, I've met up with all kinds of friends. One group in particular--my high school friends--has brought some interesting mix of emotions. It was with this group of friends that I bonded and felt close just before going to college. At that point in my life, my emotions stronger and more naiive. Hanging out with them has been fun...tons of fun. At the same time, it's reminded me of some the angst I've felt in the past. More than this, though, is seeing my first ex-girlfriend in this group that has had an effect on me. There are times that I've just gotten a return of break-up angst. It's seeing her and seeing her name in my emailbox when this group would discuss gettogether plans mainly. For a while I was wondering whether I should try to initiate conversation. I think some part of me just didn't like to be on non-talking terms with her. After all, at one point we were so intimate. How could it come to this? If I could let this happen to that relationship, who's to say whether I wouldn't do the same for my current one? I'm already somewhat detached from my family. Are these two forms of emotional isolation related? If so and I continued down this path, I'd be pushing away two great sources of friendship and emotional support.
I know through friends that she's not happy with the way our relationship was. She feels like she was victimized. In some ways, I agree with her. In fact, in other ways I might've denied to myself that I mistreated her. There were a couple of issues that come to mind.
One of these issues is my outlook on life at the time. I was suicidal. I was crying for attention. I came very close to killing myself one time in my freshman year. It was after an argument with her. I don't remember the details, I just remember having a plan and starting out on it. It was 1 or 2 am that I got fed up with our fight. After that I went to my car from the dorms and drove to Sav-on. My plan was to get a supply of alcohol legally and ingest that along with a heavy dose of aspirin. The effect should've been equivalent to either melting my liver or overdosing on tranquilizers. I bought cough syrup and the aspirin and made it back to the Mesa parking lot. From there, I think I gave her a call to tell her what I was doing, and she pleaded with me not to. I must've been 50/50 on doing it because I went back to my room where I expected my roommate to be sleeping. He was awake, contacted by someone in my high school group. I talked to him for a bit. He and I weren't that close, but I was still dissuaded. Thinking back, there were several times when I'd drive back to LA from Irvine at 1-2am on the phone with her. I'd close my eyes and tell her I was driving that way for a few seconds at a time. That was just to scare her, I suppose.
Another of the major issues was our sex life. Since she went to Berkeley and I to Irvine, the only times we could see each other were when we were both at home visiting our parents. This, I thought, would actually be convenient since our parents' homes were only a few miles apart. That turned out to be the opposite because of the way her parents looked upon me. I can only guess as to how exactly they saw me, but I know that they looked down on me for going to UCI and for speaking poor Chinese. My girlfriend actually let me know these things indirectly. They wouldn't let her out with me past sundown, though. They'd also warn her that all men at my age were just after sex. She passed this information onto me too. Repeatedly. Still, I suppose that pearl of wisdom wasn't without its merit. In an effort to see her, I went to visit her late at night after her parents had slept. At first we'd just talk at her window. After a while I figured that the screen could be removed easily and I wanted more, though. When I went in, I'd stay for hours at a time. We'd kiss, hug, and things would get steamy, at least for me. I'd pressured her into oral sex--for both of us, which I thought was fair. She liked neither receiving nor giving, which I can understand now. I'm not so sure about then. We talked about this online a little after our relationship ended. But she was still angry about this and I about other things so that didn't go very far.
Earlier I found out from someone in my group of high school friends that my ex was indiscreet in handling her birth control pills while reorganizing her purse. She made them visible to some others. I wasn't too surprised by this, considering that her current boyfriend is fairly involved with her. I don't know too much about them, but I guess I know some more scandalous details that become the talk of such groups as this one. She told me some information about him personally--namely that he was a Caltech graduate and that he worked for JPL. At the time, I hadn't talked to her in months, so an IM from her seemed random. After the conversation, it became explicit just how intentional it was, though. The way her parents looked down on me for going to UCI was a huge insecurity for me. I was already dissatisfied with my college because so many of my good friends had gone to Berkeley. It was more the distance than the difference in school rank. Still, it always felt like I wasn't good enough to be around them, because I didn't make it to the same place they did. I still grapple with this issue, though I think I'm got the better hand on this one. Back to my girlfriend, though...I'd also heard that her boyfriend seemed kind of lecherous. My girlfriend is also the type to act very much like a little girl. She'd get whiny, cross her arms and stomp her feet when she couldn't get what she wanted. Her parents introduced her to her current boyfriend because he's a family friend. Their age difference is about 6 years, but their difference in attitudes makes it seem like 12. I guess it just hurts that her parents--these figures of authority--really disapproved of my going out with her when they approved of him. They wouldn't let me take her out past sunset, and yet a couple of months into her relationship, they let the two of them go to Las Vegas together. Her parents are supposed to look out for her best interests, and to them that means letting her go out with the rich and "respectable" family friend over the lowly UCI student, even if it does cross some lines of quasi-pedophilia.
Hearing about her Las Vegas trip basically spelled out for me what was going on. I was upset by that for a period of time. In some parts of me, I really despise her or the relationship that I had with her. I can't differentiate between the two. Today, when I heard about the birth control pills, that just drove things home. The news brought back the old feelings and amplified them. I've still been considering whether I want to restart contact with her. I guess I'd really like to sort this stuff out with her. There's clearly issues that we're both still upset about. Simply gauging my own reaction, though, tells me that I probably still don't have the self control or the emotional detachment to do this. It's disappointing to accept that this is true, at least for the time being. I'm hoping that writing this entry out will vent some of that. My anger and my guilt for the relationship are likely related and I hope that (attempting) to release one will release the other.
What amazes me is that this relationship is 3 years old, but it's affected me so much. I have to say that I like some of the results of the self-consciousness that the relationship has kicked up. My efforts to improve my Chinese are among those results. I still have a strong distaste for the actual self consciousness though.
8-12-05
Long
The title says it all. This entry is going to be long. Thats because it's going to contain a lot of personal information. In the past, my view on releasing really private information was that it would empower me mentally...I feel the same is true this time. Those who read this about me may have a changed outlook...to be honest, some might think I'm a creep or I'm cruel.
Since coming back from China, I've met up with all kinds of friends. One group in particular--my high school friends--has brought some interesting mix of emotions. It was with this group of friends that I bonded and felt close just before going to college. At that point in my life, my emotions stronger and more naiive. Hanging out with them has been fun...tons of fun. At the same time, it's reminded me of some the angst I've felt in the past. More than this, though, is seeing my first ex-girlfriend in this group that has had an effect on me. There are times that I've just gotten a return of break-up angst. It's seeing her and seeing her name in my emailbox when this group would discuss gettogether plans mainly. For a while I was wondering whether I should try to initiate conversation. I think some part of me just didn't like to be on non-talking terms with her. After all, at one point we were so intimate. How could it come to this? If I could let this happen to that relationship, who's to say whether I wouldn't do the same for my current one? I'm already somewhat detached from my family. Are these two forms of emotional isolation related? If so and I continued down this path, I'd be pushing away two great sources of friendship and emotional support.
I know through friends that she's not happy with the way our relationship was. She feels like she was victimized. In some ways, I agree with her. In fact, in other ways I might've denied to myself that I mistreated her. There were a couple of issues that come to mind.
One of these issues is my outlook on life at the time. I was suicidal. I was crying for attention. I came very close to killing myself one time in my freshman year. It was after an argument with her. I don't remember the details, I just remember having a plan and starting out on it. It was 1 or 2 am that I got fed up with our fight. After that I went to my car from the dorms and drove to Sav-on. My plan was to get a supply of alcohol legally and ingest that along with a heavy dose of aspirin. The effect should've been equivalent to either melting my liver or overdosing on tranquilizers. I bought cough syrup and the aspirin and made it back to the Mesa parking lot. From there, I think I gave her a call to tell her what I was doing, and she pleaded with me not to. I must've been 50/50 on doing it because I went back to my room where I expected my roommate to be sleeping. He was awake, contacted by someone in my high school group. I talked to him for a bit. He and I weren't that close, but I was still dissuaded. Thinking back, there were several times when I'd drive back to LA from Irvine at 1-2am on the phone with her. I'd close my eyes and tell her I was driving that way for a few seconds at a time. That was just to scare her, I suppose.
Another of the major issues was our sex life. Since she went to Berkeley and I to Irvine, the only times we could see each other were when we were both at home visiting our parents. This, I thought, would actually be convenient since our parents' homes were only a few miles apart. That turned out to be the opposite because of the way her parents looked upon me. I can only guess as to how exactly they saw me, but I know that they looked down on me for going to UCI and for speaking poor Chinese. My girlfriend actually let me know these things indirectly. They wouldn't let her out with me past sundown, though. They'd also warn her that all men at my age were just after sex. She passed this information onto me too. Repeatedly. Still, I suppose that pearl of wisdom wasn't without its merit. In an effort to see her, I went to visit her late at night after her parents had slept. At first we'd just talk at her window. After a while I figured that the screen could be removed easily and I wanted more, though. When I went in, I'd stay for hours at a time. We'd kiss, hug, and things would get steamy, at least for me. I'd pressured her into oral sex--for both of us, which I thought was fair. She liked neither receiving nor giving, which I can understand now. I'm not so sure about then. We talked about this online a little after our relationship ended. But she was still angry about this and I about other things so that didn't go very far.
Earlier I found out from someone in my group of high school friends that my ex was indiscreet in handling her birth control pills while reorganizing her purse. She made them visible to some others. I wasn't too surprised by this, considering that her current boyfriend is fairly involved with her. I don't know too much about them, but I guess I know some more scandalous details that become the talk of such groups as this one. She told me some information about him personally--namely that he was a Caltech graduate and that he worked for JPL. At the time, I hadn't talked to her in months, so an IM from her seemed random. After the conversation, it became explicit just how intentional it was, though. The way her parents looked down on me for going to UCI was a huge insecurity for me. I was already dissatisfied with my college because so many of my good friends had gone to Berkeley. It was more the distance than the difference in school rank. Still, it always felt like I wasn't good enough to be around them, because I didn't make it to the same place they did. I still grapple with this issue, though I think I'm got the better hand on this one. Back to my girlfriend, though...I'd also heard that her boyfriend seemed kind of lecherous. My girlfriend is also the type to act very much like a little girl. She'd get whiny, cross her arms and stomp her feet when she couldn't get what she wanted. Her parents introduced her to her current boyfriend because he's a family friend. Their age difference is about 6 years, but their difference in attitudes makes it seem like 12. I guess it just hurts that her parents--these figures of authority--really disapproved of my going out with her when they approved of him. They wouldn't let me take her out past sunset, and yet a couple of months into her relationship, they let the two of them go to Las Vegas together. Her parents are supposed to look out for her best interests, and to them that means letting her go out with the rich and "respectable" family friend over the lowly UCI student, even if it does cross some lines of quasi-pedophilia.
Hearing about her Las Vegas trip basically spelled out for me what was going on. I was upset by that for a period of time. In some parts of me, I really despise her or the relationship that I had with her. I can't differentiate between the two. Today, when I heard about the birth control pills, that just drove things home. The news brought back the old feelings and amplified them. I've still been considering whether I want to restart contact with her. I guess I'd really like to sort this stuff out with her. There's clearly issues that we're both still upset about. Simply gauging my own reaction, though, tells me that I probably still don't have the self control or the emotional detachment to do this. It's disappointing to accept that this is true, at least for the time being. I'm hoping that writing this entry out will vent some of that. My anger and my guilt for the relationship are likely related and I hope that (attempting) to release one will release the other.
What amazes me is that this relationship is 3 years old, but it's affected me so much. I have to say that I like some of the results of the self-consciousness that the relationship has kicked up. My efforts to improve my Chinese are among those results. I still have a strong distaste for the actual self consciousness though.