Fic- Fell on Black Days Part VI
Prologue
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Leonard McCoy never made decisions on a whim. Everything was planned and thought out well before it was executed. At least that was what he used to believe even if it wasn't true, not really. The important decisions-marrying Jocelyn, moving his father to his hospital in Atlanta, walking away from his marriage without fighting for it-were all made spur of the moment. They were emotion based decisions and logic often had little say it them.
Every night he laid on Al's couch and stared at the ceiling and thought of love and regret and guilt and heartbreak but not Starfleet. He thought about his father and worried about his mother and stumbled through inadequate apologies to Al for years of being an asshole but never thought about or worried about practicing medicine again.
Walking into the Starfleet recruiting office wasn't a surprise even if he hadn't really planned to do it until he was at the door. Starfleet was his childhood. It was Al and a chance to get away and forget long enough to heal. Starfleet, it turned out, was also desperate and willing to overlook the more questionable aspects of his file, namely the manner he left his last employment and his last psych evaluation that shouted: keep this man away from delicate equipment and ailing patients. None of it seemed to dent on the recruiter's enthusiasm.
The man was practically gushing. Leonard’s age-didn’t matter the recruiting officer told him, assuring him that since Leonard was in top health he should pass his physical with flying colors. Beside him, Al laughed into his hand, turning it into a cough when the officer raised an eyebrow. McCoy shot him a glare but the bastard was right: Starfleet would rather take him with all his faults than go to the expense of training a new doctor from scratch.
Leonard signed his named on the dotted line.
There wasn't much to pack. He took the train to Iowa with only the clothes on his back. Everything else was boxed up and ready for him to pick up at the house he used to share with his wife and child or in his old office at the hospital. Leonard couldn't imagine stepping foot in either place anytime soon.
Al drove him to the shuttle pickup. He nodded casually at passing workers while Leonard tapped nervously on his knee, doubt and anxiety churning in his gut. This wasn't him-traveling across country, making life-changing decisions on the fly but the blocked call message he got every time he tried to call Jo echoed unpleasantly in his head. He thought that if he gave Jocelyn time, some of the anger would fade and she would change her mind about Jo. The letter in his back pocket said otherwise.
"Ready?" Al asked, bumping Leonard's shoulder with him.
Leonard grunted and looked anywhere but the shuttle.
"Hey." Al drew him in. Surprised, Leonard stood stiffly for a moment before bringing his arms up and almost clutching at Al's faded leather jacket. "Make it through the summer and the school year will be nothing," he whispered in Leonard's ear.
Leonard nodded into Al's shoulder, feeling for a moment as if they were kids again on the Galen when all they worried about was how to avoid their lessons.
"I'll hold off your mom for now but you're going to have to call her eventually."
Cringing, Leonard leaned back and surreptitiously wiped his eyes. He looked up at his friend. "Thanks Al. For everything."
Snorting, Al shoved him playfully. "You're an asshole but you're still my brother." The light glinted off the flask he pulled from inside his jacket. "Here, for old time's sake." They both grinned at each other.
*
It was Leonard's first time on a shuttle in years and he headed straight for the bathroom, Al's rotgut burning a hole in his stomach. The room was too small to pace or even turn around comfortably but it was familiar and free of the happy chatter of the waiting cadets. He leaned his head against the mirror and failed in not thinking of all the ways he could die in space while absently sipping from the flask until an officer angrily pulled him out of his safe haven. Something about her reminded him of Marcela and he barely stopped the flush of embarrassment.
Leonard took the only open seat left beside a kid that looked like he went two rounds and came out on the losing end. The shuttle shuddered and the speech came out without Leonard intending it too. The kid shrugged off Leonard's fears and took the flask offered in apology. Later, they walked off the shuttle beaten up, weary and possibly on their way to being drunk.
They were the last of the Fourth years to arrive at the Academy and the only ones without family crying and kissing them away at Alumni Hall. A First year yelled in Leonard's face until the ‘sir, yes, sir’ fell haltingly form his lips. The First Year was a fucking kid and he was calling him sir. As if sensing his internal disgust the other kid-Kirk raised an eyebrow and his bruised lips tilted up in what was undeniably a smirk.
When the First year turned his gentle attentions onto Kirk, he only dropped the smirk enough to appear respectful and said his sir lazily. If possible the yelling increased. The other Fourth years turned towards them and were severely reprimanded. Kirk held himself straight, eyes on some distant point throughout it.
New uniforms, boots, and a trip to the barber where an old grizzled man shaved Leonard's head and his face and sent him off with a ‘good luck, sonny’. A medical examination and vaccinations for every known virus in the galaxy. Leonard ran a hand over the short bristles of his hair and his clean shaven face and almost felt 16 again. An assembly line of people yelling at him and ordering him where to go certainly helped. The cadets wearing the red sashes tore all of them a new one and as he watched a few of the new cadets wipe their eyes, and he promised to pay back Al fully for this one.
They learned how to salute. They learned how to stand, to march. They learned how to repeat it until some unknown standard of perfection had been met. On a precious free moment they got the chance to stow their gear. Leonard and Kirk were bunked down with Kilo Company. Their fellow recruits came out of their rooms in pairs or stood in groups talking in hushed voices. Some alternated between overwhelmed, dazed and downright scared while a few looked like they were thrown into the water and came up Olympic swimmers while the rest of them were doggy paddling in the shallow end.
Those guys had the steely-eyed look of that particular brand of bastard that could survive anything thrown at them. The minute Leonard and Kirk walked down the hallway they were under assessment to see if they would be assets or if they would end up dragging the whole ship down. Leonard was quickly dismissed as being too old. Kirk held himself like someone spoiling for a fight and the bruises revealed he probably wasn’t any good at it. More than that, Kirk had a mouth on him, the insolent attitude to provide endless fodder for it and a mysterious connection to Captain Pike.
Over the next few says word spread pretty quickly that Pike had something to do with Kirk joining Starfleet and amongst a group of people that worked their asses off to get in, that made him poison to everyone. If Kirk felt anything about it, he didn’t show it.
Mornings started with the bastard First years yelling and banging down the walls like the power hungry madmen they were in Leonard’s mind at the crack of dawn. Kirk shifted around and groggily staring around the room. Leonard yanked him out of the bed and shoved his clothes at him. “Dressed, now!” He hissed. They had all learned from the Robertson and Peters debacle after the first wake up call that their roommate was their responsibility.
Back into the hallway for more yelling and an hour long workout outside. There was a steady year of self destructive behavior under his belt so Leonard never had any allusions about his fitness. That knowledge hadn't made it any easier to get through it. Breakfast was a stilted affair eaten at attention while spouting off memorized drills and news articles. By the second day he hated all upperclassmen. Everyone in Kilo by the fourth. Starfleet and everything it stood for by the end of the week. During the second week, Leonard considered walking out of the Academy and personally taking his thank you’s out on Al’s head. Panting and legs trembling after another 5 mile run, Leonard realized that he was too tired for the endless stream of guilt and recriminations to run through his head. As hard as the summer was and as much as he hated it, maybe Al was right and it would do some good for him.
*
“I’m not saying this is the worst-I mean I’ve made some pretty bad decisions before but I think this one is up there.” Kirk's voice drifted up from where his head was hanging off the bed.
Leonard snorted. “You thinking of leaving? And what’s for lunch?”
“Chicken sandwiches, broccoli, pasta. Don’t really have anywhere to go. I was staying with my girl but that was over and done with before I left. What about you?”
“Same song, different verse.” Leonard said tiredly.
“Yeah, nothing but your bones right? Breakfast?” The kid gave him a wry smile.
“Got it in one kid. Waffles, eggs, sausage, oatmeal.”
“These memory drills are going to kill me. What’s for dinner again?” Kirk rolled over and pulled up one of his books.
For all his negativity, Leonard knew the kid wouldn't leave. Leonard hadn't asked him about his life and Kirk returned the favor but Leonard could see that they were both two scarred and weary dogs, hiding just long enough to lick their wounds.
*
Their first few weeks were spent learning about tactics and the chain of command and memorization of an insane amount of information. Everyone was issued a service weapon and their then thrown into the holochamber for simulated attacks. In between were the workouts, the marches, the five mile runs, the team building exercises and the combat training.
After the fourth surprise attack on their floor, Leonard started sleeping in his Starfleet provided work out uniform with his type-3 phaser rifle-which he named Loretta-primed. Kirk thought he was crazy and had no problems with telling him.
“Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.” Kirk looked up from where he was shining his boots and gave him an incredulous look. “I think that last mile got to you, McCoy. Maybe you should lie down.”
Leonard shrugged and checked the power supply on Loretta again before setting her to stun. “When was the last time we had a surprise attack?”
“I don’t know. 4 days maybe.”
“Exactly.” Leonard remade his bed and lay on top of the sheets with his boots on and Loretta beside him.
“Exactly what? This thing you have going on with your piece is kind of crazy. You know that right?”
Leonard made a rude gesture at Kirk and closed his eyes to the sound of Kirk’s laughter. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe he had replaced one obsession with another but he was sober and he was working towards something, he wasn’t sure what yet, but it was something. More importantly he woke up each morning too exhausted and busy planning the rest of the day to begin the cycle of self-loathing he had sunk into the past several months.
Sometime between midnight and one in the morning a group of first years in black camo gear and muffled phasers attacked Kilo Company’s floor. Welsh, a bastard with a big mouth and an instant dislike for Kirk’s pretty boy good looks and went out of his way to make life hard for Kirk and thus Leonard, let out an out a loud yell before being stunned and that was what woke Leonard.
Immediately he was out of bed with Loretta cocked and kicked the lump that represented his roommate before taking a station on the other side of the door. Kirk groaned and glared at him but he stilled once Leonard gave the signal for enemy approaching. There was enough light coming from the window for Kirk to grab his weapon and take a position opposite him.
They were at the end of the floor meaning the rest of their company was probably ‘dead’. The door slide open and the two First years hovering outside were easily dispatched. Leonard covered Kirk as the he padded down the hall, bare feet moving silently and swiftly. They made a good team with one providing cover while the other took out whoever approached them.
The ground floor was a mess as all the members of what looked like Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India and Kilo companies fought it out with Alpha, Bravo and Charlie backed by the First years who were strategically placed around the exits. The aim of the exercise was to make it out of the building with your company. A quick search of their floor proved everyone else had been taken out except Collins and Hewitt who were two moves away from being taken down with Foxtrot.
Crouched shoulder to shoulder in the shadows of an empty classroom, Leonard peered through the door at the remaining members of Hotel surrendering. He raised an eyebrow at Kirk who grinned wildly and jerked his head down the hallway, mouthing 'Mess hall'.
Leonard trailed him down moonlit halls, ducking into doorways or around corners to avoid patrols. The mess hall was empty until a few members of Charlie stumbled in. Leonard and Kirk worked quick to dispatch them (and if they used a little more force in the hand to hand combat with their classmates than was necessary both of them were willing to chock it up to adrenaline) but not before one managed to call out for backup.They broke out into a run, slamming into the kitchen, past stainless steel tables and sophisticated machinery to the loading dock in the back-the only place free of the First year guards.
They were breathing the cool night air before Charlie caught up with them. Leonard collapsed onto the hill behind their dorm while Kirk whooped in excitement.
“That was amazing!” Kirk said, falling down beside him. “I can’t wait to see the looks on Welsh and Robertson’s face when they see that we were only ones to make it out.”
Leonard laughed and looked up at the stars. “You and me, Bones. We’re going to make in through this summer and we’re going to take the Academy. I fucking know it.”
Leonard looked over at the other man’s bright grin. “Bones?”
“Yeah, suits you better.”
“You’re really cocky, kid. We only making it through one attack.”
“You can call me Jim, you know. We’re a good team. As long we as we stick together we’ll own this place.” Kirk swept his arm out in a gesture that could mean the building, the academy or the stars.
Watching Kirk’s profile in the moonlight, it was easy to get caught up in the kid’s excitement and believe they really were going to make it. After that night, Kirk started to lose the weary, sullen air he carried around the other cadets and threw himself into the work with a carefree smile and cocky attitude. Leonard found himself laughing more often at the unbelievable stories Kirk told him about the shady cast of characters he ran around with in Riverside. Peppered between the stories were pieces of what he thought of as the real Kirk buried beneath the swaggering, unflappable mask he put on and in response Leonard found himself slowly revealing stories of some of things he and Al used to do, painfully stumbling through and memories of Jocelyn and Jo as the summer days passed them by.
*
The school year was much the same as their Plebe summer except with a heavier course load. Jim threw himself into the academic work with a gusto that no one really expected given his previous indifferent attitude and dragged Leonard along for the ride.
“I’m getting out of this place and on my own ship as soon as I can.” Kirk said and threw a stylus at Leonard’s bent head. “There’s no time to sleep. We have to study.”
“I don’t want my own ship. I don’t even think I want to serve on a ship so why the hell do I have to rush?” Leonard grumbled, burying his head in his folded arms.
“Because I want you with me.” Kirk answered simply.
Leonard opened his eyes at that statement and looked over at Jim. The kid had the nerve to smirk at him as he leaned back on his elbows on Leonard’s bed-spread out like an invitation.
“And what I want, I usually get so you better get over this phobia of yours. It’s the stars for us, Bones.”
Well shit, Leonard thought.
*
Tuesday and Thursday afternoons following his Introduction to Navigation class Leonard had sessions with a Starfleet counselor to try to smooth out some of the issues in his file. While not exactly mandatory, the sessions were firmly stressed for his continued existence in Starfleet by the stern-faced commander of the fourth year class. Thus Leonard was given a much valued leave from campus and went off to meet his counselor.
With her blond hair cut appealingly short and her piercing blue eyes, Christine Chapel was not what he expected. She was fresh from a stint as a combat medic and was settling temporarily into a position as one of the counselors for the underclassmen while she finished her nursing degree. The first day she invited him to sit on the outdoor patio of her boarding house.
“I know this is probably the last thing you want to do,” she said as she handed him a cup of tea. “But I’ve read your file and I can try to help you if you let me.”
“No offense, ma’am but I don’t see much choice in this for me.”
“There’s always a choice. You can choose to take off that uniform, walk off this base and go back to whatever’s left of your old life. And I can assure you that walking away from your workplace with a rashly called out ‘I quit’ will not endear you to any future employers in the medical field. You’re a talented man Cadet McCoy, but reliability is a valued commodity and you’ve lost that.”
Leonard flinched at the words, looking down at the mug clinched in his hands. She was right. He left the hospital on the worst possible terms professionally-that door was firmly closed to him. Spending the rest of his life hiding in Al’s apartment wasn’t much of an option either nor was going back to his Mother, not when he couldn’t even look her in the eyes and tell her that his marriage ended because he never forgave himself for his father’s death.
“Or,” she said and he looked up. The sun reflected off her hair and for a moment Leonard was painfully reminded of his daughter whose hair was a similar color. “Or you can stay here and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about.”
Leonard gave her a skeptical look. “Anything?”
“Do you have something in mind?” Leonard crossed his arms. “Nice weather we’re having here.”
Chapel smiled sharply. “Yes, it is a beautiful day. Perfect for flying. If fact I think you should accompany me to the landing pads. I have to help moderate a class and we can talk more about the weather there.”
Watching the calculated look on her face, Leonard realized that he was perhaps in more trouble than he anticipated. Deceptively accommodating, Chapel gave him just enough rope to hang himself and he found himself admitting to much more than he wanted at the airfield.
“How was the head-shrink?” Kirk asked later in the mess hall as his eyes roamed over the room distractedly. McCoy stabbed a potato.
“Don’t want to talk about it.”
“That bad, huh.” Kirk focused back on him, a smirk teasing the edges of his mouth.
“That means you need to come out with me tonight. Promise it’ll make you feel better." Leonard very much doubted that. The Academy hadn’t afforded them a number of opportunities to leave the campus or to do much outside of their academic coursework but if there was a way Kirk had either sniffed it out during their few weeks or was in the process of discovering it.
Most of the time his little excursions were only to relax and have a good time, shaking off the pressures of the week, but once in a while they were something else entirely and usually ended with Leonard sneaking them both into the Medical school for a quick patch up before anyone caught wind of their nocturnal activities. Judging by the tight look around Kirk’s eyes, the latest outing would be one of the latter. Leonard sighed in resignation and prepared for a long night of trying to keep the kid out of trouble.
Kirk exuded the kind of easy-going charm that gave the impression that he never cared enough to have any problems. Starfleet was full of workaholic overachievers and to them Kirk treated the whole process as a joke. Leonard, on the other hand, lived with the man, took most of the core classes with him, and had survived the summer with him so Leonard knew how much Kirk wanted to make it in Starfleet and he also saw glimpses of a host of issues Kirk tried to keep hidden.
Kirk coped with bars with bright lights and loud music, liberal amounts of alcohol, a pretty smile and a willingly body. Contrary to the whispered gossip around campus that painted him as some backwoods cage fighter, Kirk never walked into the room with the express purpose of starting a fight. The problem with Kirk was that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and never backed down whether outnumbered or outgunned.
Leonard ran a tired hand over his face. The session left him worn out and he wanted nothing more than to go back to his room and try to call his daughter again and the look on Kirk’s face said that he expected Leonard’s refusal. There was still light bruising along one cheek bone from the last time Kirk went out alone.
“We have to be back before change of shifts this time.” Leonard said in resignation but the small but real smile Jim gave him made it worth it.
*
Kirk was looking at him over the rim of his glass, eyes heated and a smirk teasing the corner of his lips before he quickly knocked back the liquor. Leonard never had much experience with flirting, it was one of the things everyone always teased him about but he’d been around Kirk enough to know what he looked like on the prowl and Kirk wasn’t exactly being subtle.
There were reasons that this was a bad idea, very good reasons that started with knowing enough about Kirk’s conquests to know he didn’t want to join their ranks and ended with Leonard not wanting to throw away what was already a good thing between them for a one night stand. Flustered, Leonard looked down and away, focusing on the mass of bodies on the dance floor but he could still feel Kirk’s gaze. Turning back to Kirk he shouted over the music: “I think I’m going to go back. Have an early exam and I want to get enough sleep for it.”
They both knew he was lying but Kirk only nodded, his smile slipping into something fake and distant but made no move to follow Leonard.
Later, Kirk stumbled back into the room, reeking of alcohol and sweat and making enough noise to wake Leonard if he hadn’t already been up.
“You missed a good time, old man.” He said roughly.
“I doubt that.” Leonard grumbled into his pillow.
“I don’t get you. Would it kill you to have a little fun?”
“I think you have enough for the both of us.” He said, sitting up and watching Kirk’s hesitant progress through the darkened room.
Kirk laughed quietly. “Maybe.” He slipped onto his bed. Leonard could see enough to make out the teasing look on his face. “But me and you-”
“Kirk, don’t.” Leonard cut him off, not wanting to give substance to whatever was growing between them. Kirk sighed and fell sideways onto the bed. “I never have to try this hard.” He mumbled into his pillow.
Leonard pretended not to hear him and waited for the first snore before getting up. He pulled off Kirk’s boots, shifted him fully onto the bed and threw a blanket over him. Rubbing his tired eyes, he looked down at his friend.
“Jeez kid, why do you have to push so much?” He whispered into the darkness. Kirk’s snores were the only answer. Leonard went back to bed and was gone the next morning before Kirk woke, leaving only aspirin and water.
*
“Are you sleeping with your roommate?” Chapel asked three weeks later.
Leonard spewed his coffee out over the table they were sitting at and flushed.
“No! Why the hell would you ask that?” Chapel handed him a napkin.
“I’ve seen the way you two interact with each other. I was curious.”
“Nothing is going on between us.” She shrugged. “Well, if you’re sure.”
Leonard agitatedly wiped up the spilled drink while previously dormant thoughts flew around his mind. He didn’t want to think about this, had been doing a great job of not thinking about it so far but with Chapel studying him he couldn’t push it back down. He would’ve been lying if he said that he didn’t find Kirk attractive, that a part of him didn’t thrill at touches that lingered too long to be friendly or the anticipation that rose in his gut whenever he caught Kirk’s heated looks.
Kirk flirted with everyone, that was just the way he was and Leonard couldn’t handle it if Kirk was actually serious and he didn’t really think Kirk could either. Between the two of them they had enough issues to make anything more than a friendship a disaster and Leonard wanted their friendship, had come to rely on it. Chapel continued to sip her coffee, placidly watching him freak out. Once again he wondered if these sessions were worth it. Chapel wasn’t a conventional counselor and her style often left him feeling more defensive than ‘healed’. She placed her cup gently on the table. “Now, do you want to hear what I think?”
He threw the wet napkins into his cup and glared at her. “I think you what you’re feeling is starting to go beyond attraction. I think part of you feels like it’s a betrayal of your wife to feel something for someone else so soon so you fight it. And I think you don’t trust Kirk, not really. You don’t trust him to be faithful, to not walk away from you the same way your wife did and you would rather be alone for the rest of your life than go through that again so you fight it.” Her eyes were filled with compassion but her words stung too deep for him to truly process it. “Am I close?”
Leonard sat stricken and unsure of what to say. Everything he tried to hide, even from himself, was laid bare in front of them. There would be no avoiding this time.
As if echoing his thoughts, she said, “You can bury your head in the sand all you want but the world isn’t going to disappear. You don’t want a relationship with him, don’t think you’re ready for it, fine but you have to let him know that.” Her eyes sparked as she leaned towards him, face showing more emotion than he’d come to expect from her. “McCoy, you have to deal with this and you have to deal with the mess you left behind in Georgia.”
*
Chapel canceled their appointment a few weeks later. Chapel was relentless in making him talk about his father’s death and the end of his marriage so initially he was relieved to have a few days of freedom until his Navigation professor informed him that he would be co-piloting a shuttle to the Moon to start earning his flight time. The timing was a little too convenient and he pictured Chapel behind the scenes, pulling strings to make him deal with his issues.
“You’re being paranoid.” Kirk said as he confidently worked the controls at the pilot’s station. Kirk being the only other person with him was another reason to suspect Chapel. The woman was devious; she lured him into a false sense of confidence and then pushed him in the deep end when he wasn’t looking. After helping with lift off, Leonard happily turned over complete control of the shuttle to Kirk and listened to the kid's chatter while he kept his eyes closed tightly.
“Bones, you have to see this; it’s beautiful.”
Opening his eyes slightly, Leonard watched the entranced look on his friend’s face backlit by the glow from the Earth in their view screen and felt a sweeping feeling in his stomach that had nothing to do with being in space. “Yeah.” He whispered roughly.
Kirk turned to him, the elated smile on his face slipping into something softer when their eyes met. “You know, I never wanted to be in Starfleet.” He said quietly into the semi-darkness of the cockpit, the light from the Earth fading as they slowly turned around. His eyes never left Leonard’s, an expression in them he couldn’t read. “My parents were both in it and I figured it didn’t work out well for either of them so why bother.”
Leonard knew about Kirk’s family, anyone who took Tactics or Starfleet history knew about George Kirk but Kirk hardly ever brought them up.
“So why did you?” Leonard knew what prompted Kirk to join but not really why he stayed. “To prove I could.” A trace of the trademark Kirk smirk graced his lips before he looked down at his hands gliding over the controls. “I didn’t think I would like it-all the rules and regulations, the constant emphasis on ‘correct’ behavior. And I hate that stuff. Everyone’s so caught up in being perfect, in being safe that they forgot what the hell they’re supposed to be doing up here.”
Leonard chuckled. “You sound like my mom.”
“No offense but your mom freaks me out.”
Thinking of how his mother managed to keep Kirk flustered and clumsy for her entire visit made Leonard smile. “She liked you. So if you hate it so much, why stay?”
“For the good things,” Kirk’s eyes cut to him briefly. “That make up for the rest. I couldn’t get this back in Riverside.” His gaze swept over the stars, a look of yearning on his face.
Watching this serious Kirk, Leonard felt an echoing feeling for the man beside him. Space and starships were what Kirk wanted; he wouldn’t be content with anything less and it was still the last place Leonard wanted to be. “Your own ship, right?” He asked, hoping Kirk would miss the wistful quality to it.
Kirk turned back towards him. “Yeah, and I’ll need my Chief Medical Officer.” Leonard wanted to brush off whatever this was between them, wanted to go back to their friendly banter.
“One word: astrophobia.”
“You lived on a ship for years.” It was Kirk’s favorite counter-argument.
“And by the time I realized how unsafe it was, we already moved to a planet. And none of that matters because I don’t think anyone is going to let me practice medicine anytime soon.”
“Doesn’t matter. I can wait.” It was delivered simply and Leonard’s eyes widened in surprise. It was no secret that Kirk wanted out of the Academy.
“You’ll wait?”
“It wouldn’t be the same without you. I got you on this shuttle and if it takes another couple of years, I’ll get you back on a starship too.”
Leonard almost shivered at the honest conviction in Kirk’s voice and closed his eyes; he didn’t want to see the expression that went with it. The shift of fabric and the click of the safety belt were the only warnings before Kirk’s weight settled on his lap. Leonard's eyes flew open at the feel of Kirk’s legs straddling him.
"Who's flying the fucking ship?" He yelped.
"Shhh," Kirk breathed against his lips. "Just relax." And kissed him softly, taking advantage of Leonard’s surprise to deepen the kiss. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" Kirk asked after he broke away.
Leonard let out a harsh breath, taking in Kirk's half-lidded eyes, his red lips. His eyes slipped shut as Kirk's fingertips lightly over his face, his mouth. "Bones." He almost sounded like he was pleading and that was the catalyst.
Leonard surged up, kissing Kirk desperately, one hand in Kirk's hair holding him in place and the other gripping his hip tight. Kirk moaned and pressed closer, hips grinding down. God, Leonard wanted this. The feeling of Kirk’s warm skin under his hand. Wanted Kirk moaning and writhing beneath him, above him in this shuttle, in their room back in the Academy. Kirk pulled back with a final nip to Leonard’s lower lip that left him shuddering. Kirk panted above him, watching Leonard hungrily.
The hazy white form of the moon loomed behind Kirk's form. They didn't have much time and that was like a bucket of water breaking him out of the moment. Pushing this further wouldn’t be fair to Kirk, not when Leonard would be full of thoughts of his wife and regret afterward.
“Jim,” Leonard put his hand on Kirk’s where it lay on his face and pulled it away. “We can’t do this.”
Kirk looked at him in confusion, shaking away Leonard’s hand and bringing both hands back up to cradle Leonard’s face. “You were into it Bones, I know it. Why do you keep denying this?”
“Because I can’t. Because this is a bad idea.” Leonard said, voice rough with a tinge of sadness. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Bones. We can just have a little fun and see where it goes.” Kirk’s slight smile failed to mask the hint of desperation in his voice. Leonard didn’t even think Kirk believed what he said.
Leonard froze. “I don’t know how to do that and I don’t want to do that.” Kirk’s face shut down and he was off Leonard and back in his seat.
“Jim-”
“Don’t Bones.” He said looking down at the controls. “Just don’t.”
*
In the following week, Kirk managed to completely avoid him. He never came back to the room when Leonard was there and he somehow managed to temporarily switch sections of the classes they shared. Leonard didn’t know what to say, if there even was anything he could say to make things better.
“Damn it, Lenny. I thought you were doing better.”
Was the first thing Al said to him after Leonard stupidly opened the door. Al was in town for an Engineer conference and Leonard had an offered a night out to catch up.
“Shut up and stow your stuff in the room.”
They headed for the local bar, Leonard and Al pressed together in a booth with one of Al’s colleagues on the other side. Leonard zoned out during their conversation, sipping his beer and staring at the table.
“Hey, isn’t that your roommate?” Al asked.
Leonard looked up and saw Kirk at the bar, effortlessly charming a group of girls. “Yeah.”
“Call him over. I want to meet him.”
“Al, no.” Al ignored him and signaled for one of the waitresses, saying something Leonard couldn’t hear over the buzz of conversations. The waitress smiled and went right for Kirk.
“I hate you so much right now.” Leonard grounded out between his teeth. Al laughed and waved goodbye to his colleague.
“Hey.” It was the first thing Kirk said to him in days.
Leonard nodded back and said nothing. Al looked at both of them and held out his hand. “I’m Al and you’re Jim Kirk. Nice to finally meet you.”
“Yeah, likewise. McCoy told a lot about you.”
Something about Kirk’s voice sounded weird. His eyes kept darting from Al to Leonard and for the first time Leonard became aware of how close they were sitting.
“Look, I’ve got to get back to my group. I’ll catch up with you guys later.”
“What the hell was that about?” Al asked after Kirk left.
“Nothing.” He could feel Al’s eyes on him.
"Didn't know you liked them that young, Lenny."
"Bastard, it's not like that." He said irritably. "We're just friends."
Al shot him a skeptical look. "Kid hasn't taken his eyes off you for more than a minute since we walked in. That's not 'just friends'. And did you see the glare he gave me."
Leonard slumped over the faux wood of the table and started picking at the label of his beer. The buzz of conversation almost drowned out his next words. "He doesn't know what he wants."
Al tapped out the beat of the song and watched the bar. "Seems to be out for a good time. Why not have a little fun?"
"You know me, I don't do casual and even if I did, not with him."
Al stared at him for a long moment. "Huh."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Al finished his beer and signaled the waitress for another one. Leonard waited him out, knowing that if he tried to push Al would change the subject. Al took a long pull from his new beer before turning back to him. "It means that you want more and you’re scared shitless."
Leonard watched Kirk lean in close to one of the girls and didn’t try to deny it.
“Let’s get out of here.” Al said kindly.
*
Leonard woke up to the irritating ping of the door. He stumbled up and hit the door controls. Light from the hallway spilled in and Leonard looked around finally seeing Kirk slumped on the ground.
“You locked me out.” He slurred.
“Kirk, the code is the same. You’re too drunk to remember it.” Leonard said in irritation, leaning down to help him up.
“Is he in there?” Leonard struggled under the weight of Kirk who wasn’t helping at all.
“Who?” He asked distractedly.
“Your friend?” Kirk spat out. “Do you fuck him?”
Leonard almost dropped him in shock. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You were all over him. You say you don’t want to do anything but you’re all over him.” Leonard pushed him against the wall and stared into his eyes, trying to see past his irritation at Kirk's hypocrisy to the hurt beneath it.
“Jim, listen to me. There has never been and will never be anything going on between me and Al. He’s like my brother for God’s sake.”
“Then why?” He pleaded, too drunk to hide anything.
“Jim,” He stroked his thumb over Kirk’s cheek. “I know it’s a shit excuse but I just can't, not now.”
Kirk put a hand on his chest right over where the wedding ring rested. “I’m not her, you know. And I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
Leonard watched him sadly. “Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me in awhile. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose that but if we can’t get past this-”
“No.” Kirk interrupted, scrambling to grip Leonard's arm. “I didn't mean..I wasn't thinking.”
"Jim, we're good like this. We don't have to do anything more." He said, hoping Kirk would understand that Leonard meant Kirk didn't have to sleep with him for Leonard to stick around.
Kirk stared at him, eyes darting around his face before he gave Leonard a tentative smile. “It’s you and me right? Our own ship”
“Yeah, kid. Me and you. Now let’s get you in bed.”
*
Three years later, Leonard was still waiting for the shit to hit the fan, the ground to shake and tremble and fall out from under him. He called his mother every week, reminded her to take her vitamins and set up regular check up and see a damn doctor if anything even felt weird. He called Al and told him to stop drinking and when the laughter on the other end stopped, told him to at least quit drinking when he had to work with volatile machinery. He called his daughter even after she yelled that he wasn’t her father and she never wanted to see him again.
It figured that when he finally stopped actively dreading the fucking thing the shit hit the fan spectacularly, in the shape of the boogie man coming back and taking down an entire planet and a significant portion of their fleet, including most of their graduating class. It was something he managed to avoid thinking about on the Enterprise but at the Academy where the halls were empty and quiet in a way he only associated with winter break it was harder to ignore.
What Leonard didn’t expect was that when the dust settled down and he pulled out a bottle ready to get falling over drunk, there was a battered Kirk pulling the bottle out of his hand and pushing him into the bed, whispering for him to get some sleep.
Starfleet, like everything in the Federation, was a mess of bureaucracy. Piles of reports had to be written, verified, and signed in triplicate. Then there were the briefings in front of old and staid admirals who had grown too used to their soft living and didn't want a group of upstart kids shaking up their comfortable lives.
McCoy could only glare blearily out of blood shot eyes at the ones surrounding him. One of them - Carter-- leaned far too close while yelling, almost spitting in McCoy’s face about bouncing him out of Star Fleet for the stunt he pulled getting Kirk on board.
They wanted to know why. He couldn’t tell them that on some night three years ago Kirk told him that they were a team and he believed it. They wanted to punish someone for the whole mess. Kirk was the glorious hero, the one the press loved. Kicking him out wouldn’t be a sound public relations move but McCoy was high enough to make it seem like they did something but not important enough to rate much of a reaction from the outside. It figured that Kirk would come out of this shining while McCoy was in a back room with his whole career scrolling down the view screen and a group of men he could care less about trying to decide if he was worth keeping.
They cut him loose some time later with a reprimand that would be added to his file and a ‘you’re lucky it’s only that.’ But Leonard knew they were more bark than bite. Leonard had taken over med bay, saved Pike’s life and if he hadn’t taken Kirk aboard Earth probably would’ve gone the way of Vulcan and they wouldn’t be around to chastise him. He deserved a fucking medal but all he wanted was 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Leonard walked out of the room, loosening the top of his uniform and turning his communicator off on the way back to his room. The room was in the exact state of disarray he left it in but he didn’t care; it had a bed and for the first time in days there was no worry that he would be paged back to med bay. Collapsing face first onto the rumpled sheets, he took a moment to toe off his shoes before passing out.
Sometime later he woke slowly and painfully, sleep trying to drag him back under. Leonard felt eyes on him and groaned. The door was locked, set to deny all entrants no matter the ranking but he knew who it was without even opening his eyes.
"What’s wrong?" He asked, face mashed into his stale smelling pillow. His drawl, strengthened by a decade in the South and complete exhaustion, slurred all the words together. It was a wonder that Kirk even understood him.
"I've got news." Kirk's voice sounded excited, at least on the surface, but there was a note that Leonard didn’t like.
Squinting his eyes open, he gave the kid a look. Kirk looked like he hadn’t been near a bed except to look at it since stepping off the Enterprise. He was in a fresh cadet uniform that only made the bruises and the pallor of exhaustion stand out more starkly.
Grunting over sore muscles being shifted, Leonard moved closer to the wall clearing a space on the bed. Kirk raised an eyebrow but settled on the edge of the bed. Leonard said nothing, only waited while the tension slowly seeped from Kirk, leaving him hunched over with a lost expression that made him look younger than McCoy had ever seen him. It shook something in McCoy.
Everyone had been coasting through the terror of the past few days bolstered by Jim’s bravado, Jim's confidence, and Leonard-his best friend- had been too busy in med bay and later trying to make damn sure Pike didn't die under his knife that he didn't take the time to look past his friend's bullshit to see how he was really handling running face to face with the biggest ghost from his past.
"They're making me a captain" Jim said softly. "It's not definite but I've heard-I mean I think they might give me the Enterprise." His voice caught on the last word before trailing off. "Bones, fuck!" His hands rubbed his eyes savagely. "Bones, they want to make me a fucking captain and I..I can't..I don't think I--"
"Hey." Leonard cut him off before he could get any further, tugging on his arm until Jim got the message and lay down beside him. Leonard threw an arm over Jim's chest pulling him closer, back to chest. Jim tensed up, not used to this without a fuck somewhere in the vicinity and especially not from him. They hadn’t done this before. At least not sober but McCoy still thought about it even if he hadn't acted on it. Eventually Jim’s breathing steadied.
"You didn't do half bad as a captain.” He whispered, breath tickling the shorts hairs on the back of Jim’s neck. “Sure, the ship is a little dinged, scratched up and missing her fuel cores." Kirk gave a watery chuckle. "But it's in one piece, the crews mostly fine and you saved the fucking planet. I’d say Starfleet owes you one.”
“Yeah?” There was a note of uncertainty in his voice.
“Yeah. Don’t forget you promised me our own ship.” He whispered, lips brushing his neck.
Jim gasped. “Bones, are we really doing this now?”
"We're sleeping now.”
“Bones!”
“Sleep for now, we can talk later.” Jim grumbled a little, but he was too exhausted to put up a fight. Soon he was snoring softly into Leonard’s pillow. Leonard woke again to the beeping of Jim’s communicator. At some point they changed positions with Leonard on his back and Jim asleep on his chest. Jim groaned and immediately fell back asleep.
“Bastard.” He muttered before pulling the communicator off and answering it.
“What?”
“McCoy? I thought I had contacted Kirk-” Uhuru said.
“Asleep.”
“Oh. Well, I was trying to find you anyway.” He appreciated that she refrained from asking why he was answering Kirk’s communicator.
“What’s the problem?”
“I need you to meet me at the fountain in the quad.” She wouldn’t be asking him if it wasn’t important.
“Yeah, give me a couple of minutes.” He looked down at Jim, sleep warm and vulnerable in his sleep and didn’t want to leave, but he did it anyway. Gently he pried Jim away and soothed his questioning noise with a soft ‘I’ll be back soon’ and a kiss on the forehead. Jim nodded slightly and moved into the spot he just vacated.
“Bed hog.” Leonard muttered. Taking the back corridors, he managed to make it outside without running into anybody. Uhura was waiting for him in front the fountain, standard uniform pressed and clean, making him look even more like a rumpled bum. Her hair was down and swaying slightly in the breeze.
“Nyota.” He greeted her when he got close enough. “Thank you for coming. I met someone and she says she knows you but we can’t find her parents.”
McCoy looked at her in confusion before finally taking note of the girl who stood up from the grass in front of the fountain and he froze, heart in his throat. There was a birth certificate and signed divorce papers that said she wasn't his but in his mind and his heart she would always be his little girl.
“Jo.” His said in a strangled voice that was pulled from the place that never healed when the judge decided he wasn’t fit to be her father anymore.
“Daddy.” There were tears in her eyes and she was trembling. “I wanted to see you, make sure you were okay.” Her breath hitched on every other word.
“Jo.” He couldn’t seem to make himself say anything else.
“I..” She looked down than back up at him before running and throwing herself into his arms, sobbing. He held her tightly feeling the tears fall onto her hair. Leonard wasn’t going to ask how or why, he was just going to enjoy hugging his little girl for now.
Of course he called Jocelyn and then Slma when she didn’t pick up and his mother for good measure. Out of the three women, his mother was the first to show.
“I was in the neighborhood.” She said three hours later to Leonard’s skeptical look. She pulled him into a tight embrace and whispered: “I’m so proud of you.”
He nodded against her hair and squeezed her before letting go. They were still building their relationship back up, but they had both come a long way since David’s death. “Now, where’s my grandbaby?
The rest of the afternoon was spent watching the two girls he loved the most in the world reconnect after three years. He smiled and kicked his feet up and regaled them with a sanitized version of recent events in the lounge area of their dorms.
Eventually, a sleep-mused Jim stumbled down. It was a good look on him and Leonard quickly tried to hide his reaction before anyone noticed.
“Ambassador McCoy.” Kirk attempted a salute. “I keep telling you not to do that.” His mother said with a teasing smile while Leonard rolled his eyes in the background.
“Yes ma’am.” Kirk was always bashful around his mother or as close to it as someone like Jim could get.
“Jim, this is my daughter.” Leonard drew Jo forward and answered Jim’s confused expression with a mouthed promise to explain later. “And Jo this is James T. Kirk. He’s the Captain of the ship your uncle Al built.”
Jo’s eyes immediately lit up and he could see her brimming with the many questions she wanted to ask him. Apparently he wasn’t the only one because his mother said: “Jim, why don’t you fetch us something to drink and take Joana with you.”
Jim shot him a wide-eyed pleading look but Leonard shook his head and waved them along. His mother turned her head to watch them walk away. “He’s such a pretty thing.”
“Mother!”
“Leonard!” She could still mimic him better than anyone. She held both hands up and gave him an innocent smile. “I know. I know. Stop ogling your man.”
“He’s not my man.” His mother snorted. “I’m not stupid, honey and neither are you.”
Thankfully she changed the subject after that.
*
Jocelyn arrived the next day. They both stood on of the balconies watching the white capped blue waves gently moving towards shore. From a distance they didn’t look half as powerful as they were.
“The vids you send-she watches them every night. She tries to hide it but I…” Her voice cut off and she wrapped her arms around herself as if holding the emotion in and breathed harshly for a minute. “I know. I hear her crying, hidden underneath the comforter.”
She raised a hand and wiped her eyes tiredly. “How fucking selfish am I.” It wasn’t a question. “I was so angry at you. When you shut me out, it hurt and I wanted a reaction, any reaction. I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. It’s all I could think about. I didn’t even consider how it would affect Jo. I thought we could just erase you out of our lives as if you had never been and everything would be fine. But it’s not that simple. She hides in her room. Her grades are slipping. She gets in fights at school.” She almost whispered: “She won’t talk to me, not about anything that matters.”
“So what do you want to do?” He asked. He didn't want Joana cut out of his life again. Jocelyn looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “I’ll talk to my lawyer and we’ll work something out. Maybe she can stay with you for the rest of the summer.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” It was the first decent conversation they had in years and they parted on good terms with her letting Joana stay with his mother in San Francisco for a couple of days.
Jim watched her go with a barely concealed hostility. He probably knew more about Leonard’s failed relationship than anybody and held no good will towards her.
“So, we’re finally alone.” Jim said as the shut behind him. Leonard scrolled through the messages on his com unit.
“I think I should go back to med bay and check on Pike. There’s still the possibility of infection.”
Jim grabbed his arm and took the com unit. “There are other people who can handle that. Right now we have some unfinished business.”
“What?” He went over the past couple of days trying to remember.
“You’re a tease, Leonard McCoy.” And then Jim kissed him.
Leonard broke away. “What?”
“Less talking, Bones. I’ve been waiting three years for this.”
Jim said roughly and pushed Leonard down on his unmade bed. Leonard laughed and shifted enough to let Jim pull his shirt off.
“I think this against violation of Starfleet regs, Captain Kirk.”
“Not on my ship, Chief Medical Officer McCoy. Now get your pants off before I throw you into the brig.”
Later, after a truly inspired demonstration of Jim’s skills, Leonard left him in bed and padded quietly out of the room to one of the balconies. The sun was just beginning to rise over the ocean and he sat there and thought of all of the events in his life that brought him to this point. Parts of it still hurt like hell and he regretted a lot, but for the first time he could say that he wouldn’t go back and change any of it.
He clicked on the video chat function on the PADD.
“You asshole! Look what you did to my ship.”
“I’m fine, Al thanks for asking.”
“I knew that, your head’s like concrete. And tell your friggin’ boyfriend captain that me and him are going to have some words. The warp cores, Lenny! Seriously.”
He doesn’t ask how Al knew but that statement was his way of saying that his relationship with Jim didn’t matter. Repair ships zoomed overhead as the vivid reds and pinks faded from the sky. Later there would be discussions and meetings and a possible five year mission but now there was the good-natured ribbing of his brother and a handsome man warming his bed that he was pretty much in love with.
Leonard McCoy smiled up at the sky and figured life couldn’t get much better than this.
Fin
Main
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Leonard McCoy never made decisions on a whim. Everything was planned and thought out well before it was executed. At least that was what he used to believe even if it wasn't true, not really. The important decisions-marrying Jocelyn, moving his father to his hospital in Atlanta, walking away from his marriage without fighting for it-were all made spur of the moment. They were emotion based decisions and logic often had little say it them.
Every night he laid on Al's couch and stared at the ceiling and thought of love and regret and guilt and heartbreak but not Starfleet. He thought about his father and worried about his mother and stumbled through inadequate apologies to Al for years of being an asshole but never thought about or worried about practicing medicine again.
Walking into the Starfleet recruiting office wasn't a surprise even if he hadn't really planned to do it until he was at the door. Starfleet was his childhood. It was Al and a chance to get away and forget long enough to heal. Starfleet, it turned out, was also desperate and willing to overlook the more questionable aspects of his file, namely the manner he left his last employment and his last psych evaluation that shouted: keep this man away from delicate equipment and ailing patients. None of it seemed to dent on the recruiter's enthusiasm.
The man was practically gushing. Leonard’s age-didn’t matter the recruiting officer told him, assuring him that since Leonard was in top health he should pass his physical with flying colors. Beside him, Al laughed into his hand, turning it into a cough when the officer raised an eyebrow. McCoy shot him a glare but the bastard was right: Starfleet would rather take him with all his faults than go to the expense of training a new doctor from scratch.
Leonard signed his named on the dotted line.
There wasn't much to pack. He took the train to Iowa with only the clothes on his back. Everything else was boxed up and ready for him to pick up at the house he used to share with his wife and child or in his old office at the hospital. Leonard couldn't imagine stepping foot in either place anytime soon.
Al drove him to the shuttle pickup. He nodded casually at passing workers while Leonard tapped nervously on his knee, doubt and anxiety churning in his gut. This wasn't him-traveling across country, making life-changing decisions on the fly but the blocked call message he got every time he tried to call Jo echoed unpleasantly in his head. He thought that if he gave Jocelyn time, some of the anger would fade and she would change her mind about Jo. The letter in his back pocket said otherwise.
"Ready?" Al asked, bumping Leonard's shoulder with him.
Leonard grunted and looked anywhere but the shuttle.
"Hey." Al drew him in. Surprised, Leonard stood stiffly for a moment before bringing his arms up and almost clutching at Al's faded leather jacket. "Make it through the summer and the school year will be nothing," he whispered in Leonard's ear.
Leonard nodded into Al's shoulder, feeling for a moment as if they were kids again on the Galen when all they worried about was how to avoid their lessons.
"I'll hold off your mom for now but you're going to have to call her eventually."
Cringing, Leonard leaned back and surreptitiously wiped his eyes. He looked up at his friend. "Thanks Al. For everything."
Snorting, Al shoved him playfully. "You're an asshole but you're still my brother." The light glinted off the flask he pulled from inside his jacket. "Here, for old time's sake." They both grinned at each other.
*
It was Leonard's first time on a shuttle in years and he headed straight for the bathroom, Al's rotgut burning a hole in his stomach. The room was too small to pace or even turn around comfortably but it was familiar and free of the happy chatter of the waiting cadets. He leaned his head against the mirror and failed in not thinking of all the ways he could die in space while absently sipping from the flask until an officer angrily pulled him out of his safe haven. Something about her reminded him of Marcela and he barely stopped the flush of embarrassment.
Leonard took the only open seat left beside a kid that looked like he went two rounds and came out on the losing end. The shuttle shuddered and the speech came out without Leonard intending it too. The kid shrugged off Leonard's fears and took the flask offered in apology. Later, they walked off the shuttle beaten up, weary and possibly on their way to being drunk.
They were the last of the Fourth years to arrive at the Academy and the only ones without family crying and kissing them away at Alumni Hall. A First year yelled in Leonard's face until the ‘sir, yes, sir’ fell haltingly form his lips. The First Year was a fucking kid and he was calling him sir. As if sensing his internal disgust the other kid-Kirk raised an eyebrow and his bruised lips tilted up in what was undeniably a smirk.
When the First year turned his gentle attentions onto Kirk, he only dropped the smirk enough to appear respectful and said his sir lazily. If possible the yelling increased. The other Fourth years turned towards them and were severely reprimanded. Kirk held himself straight, eyes on some distant point throughout it.
New uniforms, boots, and a trip to the barber where an old grizzled man shaved Leonard's head and his face and sent him off with a ‘good luck, sonny’. A medical examination and vaccinations for every known virus in the galaxy. Leonard ran a hand over the short bristles of his hair and his clean shaven face and almost felt 16 again. An assembly line of people yelling at him and ordering him where to go certainly helped. The cadets wearing the red sashes tore all of them a new one and as he watched a few of the new cadets wipe their eyes, and he promised to pay back Al fully for this one.
They learned how to salute. They learned how to stand, to march. They learned how to repeat it until some unknown standard of perfection had been met. On a precious free moment they got the chance to stow their gear. Leonard and Kirk were bunked down with Kilo Company. Their fellow recruits came out of their rooms in pairs or stood in groups talking in hushed voices. Some alternated between overwhelmed, dazed and downright scared while a few looked like they were thrown into the water and came up Olympic swimmers while the rest of them were doggy paddling in the shallow end.
Those guys had the steely-eyed look of that particular brand of bastard that could survive anything thrown at them. The minute Leonard and Kirk walked down the hallway they were under assessment to see if they would be assets or if they would end up dragging the whole ship down. Leonard was quickly dismissed as being too old. Kirk held himself like someone spoiling for a fight and the bruises revealed he probably wasn’t any good at it. More than that, Kirk had a mouth on him, the insolent attitude to provide endless fodder for it and a mysterious connection to Captain Pike.
Over the next few says word spread pretty quickly that Pike had something to do with Kirk joining Starfleet and amongst a group of people that worked their asses off to get in, that made him poison to everyone. If Kirk felt anything about it, he didn’t show it.
Mornings started with the bastard First years yelling and banging down the walls like the power hungry madmen they were in Leonard’s mind at the crack of dawn. Kirk shifted around and groggily staring around the room. Leonard yanked him out of the bed and shoved his clothes at him. “Dressed, now!” He hissed. They had all learned from the Robertson and Peters debacle after the first wake up call that their roommate was their responsibility.
Back into the hallway for more yelling and an hour long workout outside. There was a steady year of self destructive behavior under his belt so Leonard never had any allusions about his fitness. That knowledge hadn't made it any easier to get through it. Breakfast was a stilted affair eaten at attention while spouting off memorized drills and news articles. By the second day he hated all upperclassmen. Everyone in Kilo by the fourth. Starfleet and everything it stood for by the end of the week. During the second week, Leonard considered walking out of the Academy and personally taking his thank you’s out on Al’s head. Panting and legs trembling after another 5 mile run, Leonard realized that he was too tired for the endless stream of guilt and recriminations to run through his head. As hard as the summer was and as much as he hated it, maybe Al was right and it would do some good for him.
*
“I’m not saying this is the worst-I mean I’ve made some pretty bad decisions before but I think this one is up there.” Kirk's voice drifted up from where his head was hanging off the bed.
Leonard snorted. “You thinking of leaving? And what’s for lunch?”
“Chicken sandwiches, broccoli, pasta. Don’t really have anywhere to go. I was staying with my girl but that was over and done with before I left. What about you?”
“Same song, different verse.” Leonard said tiredly.
“Yeah, nothing but your bones right? Breakfast?” The kid gave him a wry smile.
“Got it in one kid. Waffles, eggs, sausage, oatmeal.”
“These memory drills are going to kill me. What’s for dinner again?” Kirk rolled over and pulled up one of his books.
For all his negativity, Leonard knew the kid wouldn't leave. Leonard hadn't asked him about his life and Kirk returned the favor but Leonard could see that they were both two scarred and weary dogs, hiding just long enough to lick their wounds.
*
Their first few weeks were spent learning about tactics and the chain of command and memorization of an insane amount of information. Everyone was issued a service weapon and their then thrown into the holochamber for simulated attacks. In between were the workouts, the marches, the five mile runs, the team building exercises and the combat training.
After the fourth surprise attack on their floor, Leonard started sleeping in his Starfleet provided work out uniform with his type-3 phaser rifle-which he named Loretta-primed. Kirk thought he was crazy and had no problems with telling him.
“Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.” Kirk looked up from where he was shining his boots and gave him an incredulous look. “I think that last mile got to you, McCoy. Maybe you should lie down.”
Leonard shrugged and checked the power supply on Loretta again before setting her to stun. “When was the last time we had a surprise attack?”
“I don’t know. 4 days maybe.”
“Exactly.” Leonard remade his bed and lay on top of the sheets with his boots on and Loretta beside him.
“Exactly what? This thing you have going on with your piece is kind of crazy. You know that right?”
Leonard made a rude gesture at Kirk and closed his eyes to the sound of Kirk’s laughter. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe he had replaced one obsession with another but he was sober and he was working towards something, he wasn’t sure what yet, but it was something. More importantly he woke up each morning too exhausted and busy planning the rest of the day to begin the cycle of self-loathing he had sunk into the past several months.
Sometime between midnight and one in the morning a group of first years in black camo gear and muffled phasers attacked Kilo Company’s floor. Welsh, a bastard with a big mouth and an instant dislike for Kirk’s pretty boy good looks and went out of his way to make life hard for Kirk and thus Leonard, let out an out a loud yell before being stunned and that was what woke Leonard.
Immediately he was out of bed with Loretta cocked and kicked the lump that represented his roommate before taking a station on the other side of the door. Kirk groaned and glared at him but he stilled once Leonard gave the signal for enemy approaching. There was enough light coming from the window for Kirk to grab his weapon and take a position opposite him.
They were at the end of the floor meaning the rest of their company was probably ‘dead’. The door slide open and the two First years hovering outside were easily dispatched. Leonard covered Kirk as the he padded down the hall, bare feet moving silently and swiftly. They made a good team with one providing cover while the other took out whoever approached them.
The ground floor was a mess as all the members of what looked like Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India and Kilo companies fought it out with Alpha, Bravo and Charlie backed by the First years who were strategically placed around the exits. The aim of the exercise was to make it out of the building with your company. A quick search of their floor proved everyone else had been taken out except Collins and Hewitt who were two moves away from being taken down with Foxtrot.
Crouched shoulder to shoulder in the shadows of an empty classroom, Leonard peered through the door at the remaining members of Hotel surrendering. He raised an eyebrow at Kirk who grinned wildly and jerked his head down the hallway, mouthing 'Mess hall'.
Leonard trailed him down moonlit halls, ducking into doorways or around corners to avoid patrols. The mess hall was empty until a few members of Charlie stumbled in. Leonard and Kirk worked quick to dispatch them (and if they used a little more force in the hand to hand combat with their classmates than was necessary both of them were willing to chock it up to adrenaline) but not before one managed to call out for backup.They broke out into a run, slamming into the kitchen, past stainless steel tables and sophisticated machinery to the loading dock in the back-the only place free of the First year guards.
They were breathing the cool night air before Charlie caught up with them. Leonard collapsed onto the hill behind their dorm while Kirk whooped in excitement.
“That was amazing!” Kirk said, falling down beside him. “I can’t wait to see the looks on Welsh and Robertson’s face when they see that we were only ones to make it out.”
Leonard laughed and looked up at the stars. “You and me, Bones. We’re going to make in through this summer and we’re going to take the Academy. I fucking know it.”
Leonard looked over at the other man’s bright grin. “Bones?”
“Yeah, suits you better.”
“You’re really cocky, kid. We only making it through one attack.”
“You can call me Jim, you know. We’re a good team. As long we as we stick together we’ll own this place.” Kirk swept his arm out in a gesture that could mean the building, the academy or the stars.
Watching Kirk’s profile in the moonlight, it was easy to get caught up in the kid’s excitement and believe they really were going to make it. After that night, Kirk started to lose the weary, sullen air he carried around the other cadets and threw himself into the work with a carefree smile and cocky attitude. Leonard found himself laughing more often at the unbelievable stories Kirk told him about the shady cast of characters he ran around with in Riverside. Peppered between the stories were pieces of what he thought of as the real Kirk buried beneath the swaggering, unflappable mask he put on and in response Leonard found himself slowly revealing stories of some of things he and Al used to do, painfully stumbling through and memories of Jocelyn and Jo as the summer days passed them by.
*
The school year was much the same as their Plebe summer except with a heavier course load. Jim threw himself into the academic work with a gusto that no one really expected given his previous indifferent attitude and dragged Leonard along for the ride.
“I’m getting out of this place and on my own ship as soon as I can.” Kirk said and threw a stylus at Leonard’s bent head. “There’s no time to sleep. We have to study.”
“I don’t want my own ship. I don’t even think I want to serve on a ship so why the hell do I have to rush?” Leonard grumbled, burying his head in his folded arms.
“Because I want you with me.” Kirk answered simply.
Leonard opened his eyes at that statement and looked over at Jim. The kid had the nerve to smirk at him as he leaned back on his elbows on Leonard’s bed-spread out like an invitation.
“And what I want, I usually get so you better get over this phobia of yours. It’s the stars for us, Bones.”
Well shit, Leonard thought.
*
Tuesday and Thursday afternoons following his Introduction to Navigation class Leonard had sessions with a Starfleet counselor to try to smooth out some of the issues in his file. While not exactly mandatory, the sessions were firmly stressed for his continued existence in Starfleet by the stern-faced commander of the fourth year class. Thus Leonard was given a much valued leave from campus and went off to meet his counselor.
With her blond hair cut appealingly short and her piercing blue eyes, Christine Chapel was not what he expected. She was fresh from a stint as a combat medic and was settling temporarily into a position as one of the counselors for the underclassmen while she finished her nursing degree. The first day she invited him to sit on the outdoor patio of her boarding house.
“I know this is probably the last thing you want to do,” she said as she handed him a cup of tea. “But I’ve read your file and I can try to help you if you let me.”
“No offense, ma’am but I don’t see much choice in this for me.”
“There’s always a choice. You can choose to take off that uniform, walk off this base and go back to whatever’s left of your old life. And I can assure you that walking away from your workplace with a rashly called out ‘I quit’ will not endear you to any future employers in the medical field. You’re a talented man Cadet McCoy, but reliability is a valued commodity and you’ve lost that.”
Leonard flinched at the words, looking down at the mug clinched in his hands. She was right. He left the hospital on the worst possible terms professionally-that door was firmly closed to him. Spending the rest of his life hiding in Al’s apartment wasn’t much of an option either nor was going back to his Mother, not when he couldn’t even look her in the eyes and tell her that his marriage ended because he never forgave himself for his father’s death.
“Or,” she said and he looked up. The sun reflected off her hair and for a moment Leonard was painfully reminded of his daughter whose hair was a similar color. “Or you can stay here and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about.”
Leonard gave her a skeptical look. “Anything?”
“Do you have something in mind?” Leonard crossed his arms. “Nice weather we’re having here.”
Chapel smiled sharply. “Yes, it is a beautiful day. Perfect for flying. If fact I think you should accompany me to the landing pads. I have to help moderate a class and we can talk more about the weather there.”
Watching the calculated look on her face, Leonard realized that he was perhaps in more trouble than he anticipated. Deceptively accommodating, Chapel gave him just enough rope to hang himself and he found himself admitting to much more than he wanted at the airfield.
“How was the head-shrink?” Kirk asked later in the mess hall as his eyes roamed over the room distractedly. McCoy stabbed a potato.
“Don’t want to talk about it.”
“That bad, huh.” Kirk focused back on him, a smirk teasing the edges of his mouth.
“That means you need to come out with me tonight. Promise it’ll make you feel better." Leonard very much doubted that. The Academy hadn’t afforded them a number of opportunities to leave the campus or to do much outside of their academic coursework but if there was a way Kirk had either sniffed it out during their few weeks or was in the process of discovering it.
Most of the time his little excursions were only to relax and have a good time, shaking off the pressures of the week, but once in a while they were something else entirely and usually ended with Leonard sneaking them both into the Medical school for a quick patch up before anyone caught wind of their nocturnal activities. Judging by the tight look around Kirk’s eyes, the latest outing would be one of the latter. Leonard sighed in resignation and prepared for a long night of trying to keep the kid out of trouble.
Kirk exuded the kind of easy-going charm that gave the impression that he never cared enough to have any problems. Starfleet was full of workaholic overachievers and to them Kirk treated the whole process as a joke. Leonard, on the other hand, lived with the man, took most of the core classes with him, and had survived the summer with him so Leonard knew how much Kirk wanted to make it in Starfleet and he also saw glimpses of a host of issues Kirk tried to keep hidden.
Kirk coped with bars with bright lights and loud music, liberal amounts of alcohol, a pretty smile and a willingly body. Contrary to the whispered gossip around campus that painted him as some backwoods cage fighter, Kirk never walked into the room with the express purpose of starting a fight. The problem with Kirk was that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and never backed down whether outnumbered or outgunned.
Leonard ran a tired hand over his face. The session left him worn out and he wanted nothing more than to go back to his room and try to call his daughter again and the look on Kirk’s face said that he expected Leonard’s refusal. There was still light bruising along one cheek bone from the last time Kirk went out alone.
“We have to be back before change of shifts this time.” Leonard said in resignation but the small but real smile Jim gave him made it worth it.
*
Kirk was looking at him over the rim of his glass, eyes heated and a smirk teasing the corner of his lips before he quickly knocked back the liquor. Leonard never had much experience with flirting, it was one of the things everyone always teased him about but he’d been around Kirk enough to know what he looked like on the prowl and Kirk wasn’t exactly being subtle.
There were reasons that this was a bad idea, very good reasons that started with knowing enough about Kirk’s conquests to know he didn’t want to join their ranks and ended with Leonard not wanting to throw away what was already a good thing between them for a one night stand. Flustered, Leonard looked down and away, focusing on the mass of bodies on the dance floor but he could still feel Kirk’s gaze. Turning back to Kirk he shouted over the music: “I think I’m going to go back. Have an early exam and I want to get enough sleep for it.”
They both knew he was lying but Kirk only nodded, his smile slipping into something fake and distant but made no move to follow Leonard.
Later, Kirk stumbled back into the room, reeking of alcohol and sweat and making enough noise to wake Leonard if he hadn’t already been up.
“You missed a good time, old man.” He said roughly.
“I doubt that.” Leonard grumbled into his pillow.
“I don’t get you. Would it kill you to have a little fun?”
“I think you have enough for the both of us.” He said, sitting up and watching Kirk’s hesitant progress through the darkened room.
Kirk laughed quietly. “Maybe.” He slipped onto his bed. Leonard could see enough to make out the teasing look on his face. “But me and you-”
“Kirk, don’t.” Leonard cut him off, not wanting to give substance to whatever was growing between them. Kirk sighed and fell sideways onto the bed. “I never have to try this hard.” He mumbled into his pillow.
Leonard pretended not to hear him and waited for the first snore before getting up. He pulled off Kirk’s boots, shifted him fully onto the bed and threw a blanket over him. Rubbing his tired eyes, he looked down at his friend.
“Jeez kid, why do you have to push so much?” He whispered into the darkness. Kirk’s snores were the only answer. Leonard went back to bed and was gone the next morning before Kirk woke, leaving only aspirin and water.
*
“Are you sleeping with your roommate?” Chapel asked three weeks later.
Leonard spewed his coffee out over the table they were sitting at and flushed.
“No! Why the hell would you ask that?” Chapel handed him a napkin.
“I’ve seen the way you two interact with each other. I was curious.”
“Nothing is going on between us.” She shrugged. “Well, if you’re sure.”
Leonard agitatedly wiped up the spilled drink while previously dormant thoughts flew around his mind. He didn’t want to think about this, had been doing a great job of not thinking about it so far but with Chapel studying him he couldn’t push it back down. He would’ve been lying if he said that he didn’t find Kirk attractive, that a part of him didn’t thrill at touches that lingered too long to be friendly or the anticipation that rose in his gut whenever he caught Kirk’s heated looks.
Kirk flirted with everyone, that was just the way he was and Leonard couldn’t handle it if Kirk was actually serious and he didn’t really think Kirk could either. Between the two of them they had enough issues to make anything more than a friendship a disaster and Leonard wanted their friendship, had come to rely on it. Chapel continued to sip her coffee, placidly watching him freak out. Once again he wondered if these sessions were worth it. Chapel wasn’t a conventional counselor and her style often left him feeling more defensive than ‘healed’. She placed her cup gently on the table. “Now, do you want to hear what I think?”
He threw the wet napkins into his cup and glared at her. “I think you what you’re feeling is starting to go beyond attraction. I think part of you feels like it’s a betrayal of your wife to feel something for someone else so soon so you fight it. And I think you don’t trust Kirk, not really. You don’t trust him to be faithful, to not walk away from you the same way your wife did and you would rather be alone for the rest of your life than go through that again so you fight it.” Her eyes were filled with compassion but her words stung too deep for him to truly process it. “Am I close?”
Leonard sat stricken and unsure of what to say. Everything he tried to hide, even from himself, was laid bare in front of them. There would be no avoiding this time.
As if echoing his thoughts, she said, “You can bury your head in the sand all you want but the world isn’t going to disappear. You don’t want a relationship with him, don’t think you’re ready for it, fine but you have to let him know that.” Her eyes sparked as she leaned towards him, face showing more emotion than he’d come to expect from her. “McCoy, you have to deal with this and you have to deal with the mess you left behind in Georgia.”
*
Chapel canceled their appointment a few weeks later. Chapel was relentless in making him talk about his father’s death and the end of his marriage so initially he was relieved to have a few days of freedom until his Navigation professor informed him that he would be co-piloting a shuttle to the Moon to start earning his flight time. The timing was a little too convenient and he pictured Chapel behind the scenes, pulling strings to make him deal with his issues.
“You’re being paranoid.” Kirk said as he confidently worked the controls at the pilot’s station. Kirk being the only other person with him was another reason to suspect Chapel. The woman was devious; she lured him into a false sense of confidence and then pushed him in the deep end when he wasn’t looking. After helping with lift off, Leonard happily turned over complete control of the shuttle to Kirk and listened to the kid's chatter while he kept his eyes closed tightly.
“Bones, you have to see this; it’s beautiful.”
Opening his eyes slightly, Leonard watched the entranced look on his friend’s face backlit by the glow from the Earth in their view screen and felt a sweeping feeling in his stomach that had nothing to do with being in space. “Yeah.” He whispered roughly.
Kirk turned to him, the elated smile on his face slipping into something softer when their eyes met. “You know, I never wanted to be in Starfleet.” He said quietly into the semi-darkness of the cockpit, the light from the Earth fading as they slowly turned around. His eyes never left Leonard’s, an expression in them he couldn’t read. “My parents were both in it and I figured it didn’t work out well for either of them so why bother.”
Leonard knew about Kirk’s family, anyone who took Tactics or Starfleet history knew about George Kirk but Kirk hardly ever brought them up.
“So why did you?” Leonard knew what prompted Kirk to join but not really why he stayed. “To prove I could.” A trace of the trademark Kirk smirk graced his lips before he looked down at his hands gliding over the controls. “I didn’t think I would like it-all the rules and regulations, the constant emphasis on ‘correct’ behavior. And I hate that stuff. Everyone’s so caught up in being perfect, in being safe that they forgot what the hell they’re supposed to be doing up here.”
Leonard chuckled. “You sound like my mom.”
“No offense but your mom freaks me out.”
Thinking of how his mother managed to keep Kirk flustered and clumsy for her entire visit made Leonard smile. “She liked you. So if you hate it so much, why stay?”
“For the good things,” Kirk’s eyes cut to him briefly. “That make up for the rest. I couldn’t get this back in Riverside.” His gaze swept over the stars, a look of yearning on his face.
Watching this serious Kirk, Leonard felt an echoing feeling for the man beside him. Space and starships were what Kirk wanted; he wouldn’t be content with anything less and it was still the last place Leonard wanted to be. “Your own ship, right?” He asked, hoping Kirk would miss the wistful quality to it.
Kirk turned back towards him. “Yeah, and I’ll need my Chief Medical Officer.” Leonard wanted to brush off whatever this was between them, wanted to go back to their friendly banter.
“One word: astrophobia.”
“You lived on a ship for years.” It was Kirk’s favorite counter-argument.
“And by the time I realized how unsafe it was, we already moved to a planet. And none of that matters because I don’t think anyone is going to let me practice medicine anytime soon.”
“Doesn’t matter. I can wait.” It was delivered simply and Leonard’s eyes widened in surprise. It was no secret that Kirk wanted out of the Academy.
“You’ll wait?”
“It wouldn’t be the same without you. I got you on this shuttle and if it takes another couple of years, I’ll get you back on a starship too.”
Leonard almost shivered at the honest conviction in Kirk’s voice and closed his eyes; he didn’t want to see the expression that went with it. The shift of fabric and the click of the safety belt were the only warnings before Kirk’s weight settled on his lap. Leonard's eyes flew open at the feel of Kirk’s legs straddling him.
"Who's flying the fucking ship?" He yelped.
"Shhh," Kirk breathed against his lips. "Just relax." And kissed him softly, taking advantage of Leonard’s surprise to deepen the kiss. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" Kirk asked after he broke away.
Leonard let out a harsh breath, taking in Kirk's half-lidded eyes, his red lips. His eyes slipped shut as Kirk's fingertips lightly over his face, his mouth. "Bones." He almost sounded like he was pleading and that was the catalyst.
Leonard surged up, kissing Kirk desperately, one hand in Kirk's hair holding him in place and the other gripping his hip tight. Kirk moaned and pressed closer, hips grinding down. God, Leonard wanted this. The feeling of Kirk’s warm skin under his hand. Wanted Kirk moaning and writhing beneath him, above him in this shuttle, in their room back in the Academy. Kirk pulled back with a final nip to Leonard’s lower lip that left him shuddering. Kirk panted above him, watching Leonard hungrily.
The hazy white form of the moon loomed behind Kirk's form. They didn't have much time and that was like a bucket of water breaking him out of the moment. Pushing this further wouldn’t be fair to Kirk, not when Leonard would be full of thoughts of his wife and regret afterward.
“Jim,” Leonard put his hand on Kirk’s where it lay on his face and pulled it away. “We can’t do this.”
Kirk looked at him in confusion, shaking away Leonard’s hand and bringing both hands back up to cradle Leonard’s face. “You were into it Bones, I know it. Why do you keep denying this?”
“Because I can’t. Because this is a bad idea.” Leonard said, voice rough with a tinge of sadness. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Bones. We can just have a little fun and see where it goes.” Kirk’s slight smile failed to mask the hint of desperation in his voice. Leonard didn’t even think Kirk believed what he said.
Leonard froze. “I don’t know how to do that and I don’t want to do that.” Kirk’s face shut down and he was off Leonard and back in his seat.
“Jim-”
“Don’t Bones.” He said looking down at the controls. “Just don’t.”
*
In the following week, Kirk managed to completely avoid him. He never came back to the room when Leonard was there and he somehow managed to temporarily switch sections of the classes they shared. Leonard didn’t know what to say, if there even was anything he could say to make things better.
“Damn it, Lenny. I thought you were doing better.”
Was the first thing Al said to him after Leonard stupidly opened the door. Al was in town for an Engineer conference and Leonard had an offered a night out to catch up.
“Shut up and stow your stuff in the room.”
They headed for the local bar, Leonard and Al pressed together in a booth with one of Al’s colleagues on the other side. Leonard zoned out during their conversation, sipping his beer and staring at the table.
“Hey, isn’t that your roommate?” Al asked.
Leonard looked up and saw Kirk at the bar, effortlessly charming a group of girls. “Yeah.”
“Call him over. I want to meet him.”
“Al, no.” Al ignored him and signaled for one of the waitresses, saying something Leonard couldn’t hear over the buzz of conversations. The waitress smiled and went right for Kirk.
“I hate you so much right now.” Leonard grounded out between his teeth. Al laughed and waved goodbye to his colleague.
“Hey.” It was the first thing Kirk said to him in days.
Leonard nodded back and said nothing. Al looked at both of them and held out his hand. “I’m Al and you’re Jim Kirk. Nice to finally meet you.”
“Yeah, likewise. McCoy told a lot about you.”
Something about Kirk’s voice sounded weird. His eyes kept darting from Al to Leonard and for the first time Leonard became aware of how close they were sitting.
“Look, I’ve got to get back to my group. I’ll catch up with you guys later.”
“What the hell was that about?” Al asked after Kirk left.
“Nothing.” He could feel Al’s eyes on him.
"Didn't know you liked them that young, Lenny."
"Bastard, it's not like that." He said irritably. "We're just friends."
Al shot him a skeptical look. "Kid hasn't taken his eyes off you for more than a minute since we walked in. That's not 'just friends'. And did you see the glare he gave me."
Leonard slumped over the faux wood of the table and started picking at the label of his beer. The buzz of conversation almost drowned out his next words. "He doesn't know what he wants."
Al tapped out the beat of the song and watched the bar. "Seems to be out for a good time. Why not have a little fun?"
"You know me, I don't do casual and even if I did, not with him."
Al stared at him for a long moment. "Huh."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Al finished his beer and signaled the waitress for another one. Leonard waited him out, knowing that if he tried to push Al would change the subject. Al took a long pull from his new beer before turning back to him. "It means that you want more and you’re scared shitless."
Leonard watched Kirk lean in close to one of the girls and didn’t try to deny it.
“Let’s get out of here.” Al said kindly.
*
Leonard woke up to the irritating ping of the door. He stumbled up and hit the door controls. Light from the hallway spilled in and Leonard looked around finally seeing Kirk slumped on the ground.
“You locked me out.” He slurred.
“Kirk, the code is the same. You’re too drunk to remember it.” Leonard said in irritation, leaning down to help him up.
“Is he in there?” Leonard struggled under the weight of Kirk who wasn’t helping at all.
“Who?” He asked distractedly.
“Your friend?” Kirk spat out. “Do you fuck him?”
Leonard almost dropped him in shock. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You were all over him. You say you don’t want to do anything but you’re all over him.” Leonard pushed him against the wall and stared into his eyes, trying to see past his irritation at Kirk's hypocrisy to the hurt beneath it.
“Jim, listen to me. There has never been and will never be anything going on between me and Al. He’s like my brother for God’s sake.”
“Then why?” He pleaded, too drunk to hide anything.
“Jim,” He stroked his thumb over Kirk’s cheek. “I know it’s a shit excuse but I just can't, not now.”
Kirk put a hand on his chest right over where the wedding ring rested. “I’m not her, you know. And I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
Leonard watched him sadly. “Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me in awhile. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose that but if we can’t get past this-”
“No.” Kirk interrupted, scrambling to grip Leonard's arm. “I didn't mean..I wasn't thinking.”
"Jim, we're good like this. We don't have to do anything more." He said, hoping Kirk would understand that Leonard meant Kirk didn't have to sleep with him for Leonard to stick around.
Kirk stared at him, eyes darting around his face before he gave Leonard a tentative smile. “It’s you and me right? Our own ship”
“Yeah, kid. Me and you. Now let’s get you in bed.”
*
Three years later, Leonard was still waiting for the shit to hit the fan, the ground to shake and tremble and fall out from under him. He called his mother every week, reminded her to take her vitamins and set up regular check up and see a damn doctor if anything even felt weird. He called Al and told him to stop drinking and when the laughter on the other end stopped, told him to at least quit drinking when he had to work with volatile machinery. He called his daughter even after she yelled that he wasn’t her father and she never wanted to see him again.
It figured that when he finally stopped actively dreading the fucking thing the shit hit the fan spectacularly, in the shape of the boogie man coming back and taking down an entire planet and a significant portion of their fleet, including most of their graduating class. It was something he managed to avoid thinking about on the Enterprise but at the Academy where the halls were empty and quiet in a way he only associated with winter break it was harder to ignore.
What Leonard didn’t expect was that when the dust settled down and he pulled out a bottle ready to get falling over drunk, there was a battered Kirk pulling the bottle out of his hand and pushing him into the bed, whispering for him to get some sleep.
Starfleet, like everything in the Federation, was a mess of bureaucracy. Piles of reports had to be written, verified, and signed in triplicate. Then there were the briefings in front of old and staid admirals who had grown too used to their soft living and didn't want a group of upstart kids shaking up their comfortable lives.
McCoy could only glare blearily out of blood shot eyes at the ones surrounding him. One of them - Carter-- leaned far too close while yelling, almost spitting in McCoy’s face about bouncing him out of Star Fleet for the stunt he pulled getting Kirk on board.
They wanted to know why. He couldn’t tell them that on some night three years ago Kirk told him that they were a team and he believed it. They wanted to punish someone for the whole mess. Kirk was the glorious hero, the one the press loved. Kicking him out wouldn’t be a sound public relations move but McCoy was high enough to make it seem like they did something but not important enough to rate much of a reaction from the outside. It figured that Kirk would come out of this shining while McCoy was in a back room with his whole career scrolling down the view screen and a group of men he could care less about trying to decide if he was worth keeping.
They cut him loose some time later with a reprimand that would be added to his file and a ‘you’re lucky it’s only that.’ But Leonard knew they were more bark than bite. Leonard had taken over med bay, saved Pike’s life and if he hadn’t taken Kirk aboard Earth probably would’ve gone the way of Vulcan and they wouldn’t be around to chastise him. He deserved a fucking medal but all he wanted was 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Leonard walked out of the room, loosening the top of his uniform and turning his communicator off on the way back to his room. The room was in the exact state of disarray he left it in but he didn’t care; it had a bed and for the first time in days there was no worry that he would be paged back to med bay. Collapsing face first onto the rumpled sheets, he took a moment to toe off his shoes before passing out.
Sometime later he woke slowly and painfully, sleep trying to drag him back under. Leonard felt eyes on him and groaned. The door was locked, set to deny all entrants no matter the ranking but he knew who it was without even opening his eyes.
"What’s wrong?" He asked, face mashed into his stale smelling pillow. His drawl, strengthened by a decade in the South and complete exhaustion, slurred all the words together. It was a wonder that Kirk even understood him.
"I've got news." Kirk's voice sounded excited, at least on the surface, but there was a note that Leonard didn’t like.
Squinting his eyes open, he gave the kid a look. Kirk looked like he hadn’t been near a bed except to look at it since stepping off the Enterprise. He was in a fresh cadet uniform that only made the bruises and the pallor of exhaustion stand out more starkly.
Grunting over sore muscles being shifted, Leonard moved closer to the wall clearing a space on the bed. Kirk raised an eyebrow but settled on the edge of the bed. Leonard said nothing, only waited while the tension slowly seeped from Kirk, leaving him hunched over with a lost expression that made him look younger than McCoy had ever seen him. It shook something in McCoy.
Everyone had been coasting through the terror of the past few days bolstered by Jim’s bravado, Jim's confidence, and Leonard-his best friend- had been too busy in med bay and later trying to make damn sure Pike didn't die under his knife that he didn't take the time to look past his friend's bullshit to see how he was really handling running face to face with the biggest ghost from his past.
"They're making me a captain" Jim said softly. "It's not definite but I've heard-I mean I think they might give me the Enterprise." His voice caught on the last word before trailing off. "Bones, fuck!" His hands rubbed his eyes savagely. "Bones, they want to make me a fucking captain and I..I can't..I don't think I--"
"Hey." Leonard cut him off before he could get any further, tugging on his arm until Jim got the message and lay down beside him. Leonard threw an arm over Jim's chest pulling him closer, back to chest. Jim tensed up, not used to this without a fuck somewhere in the vicinity and especially not from him. They hadn’t done this before. At least not sober but McCoy still thought about it even if he hadn't acted on it. Eventually Jim’s breathing steadied.
"You didn't do half bad as a captain.” He whispered, breath tickling the shorts hairs on the back of Jim’s neck. “Sure, the ship is a little dinged, scratched up and missing her fuel cores." Kirk gave a watery chuckle. "But it's in one piece, the crews mostly fine and you saved the fucking planet. I’d say Starfleet owes you one.”
“Yeah?” There was a note of uncertainty in his voice.
“Yeah. Don’t forget you promised me our own ship.” He whispered, lips brushing his neck.
Jim gasped. “Bones, are we really doing this now?”
"We're sleeping now.”
“Bones!”
“Sleep for now, we can talk later.” Jim grumbled a little, but he was too exhausted to put up a fight. Soon he was snoring softly into Leonard’s pillow. Leonard woke again to the beeping of Jim’s communicator. At some point they changed positions with Leonard on his back and Jim asleep on his chest. Jim groaned and immediately fell back asleep.
“Bastard.” He muttered before pulling the communicator off and answering it.
“What?”
“McCoy? I thought I had contacted Kirk-” Uhuru said.
“Asleep.”
“Oh. Well, I was trying to find you anyway.” He appreciated that she refrained from asking why he was answering Kirk’s communicator.
“What’s the problem?”
“I need you to meet me at the fountain in the quad.” She wouldn’t be asking him if it wasn’t important.
“Yeah, give me a couple of minutes.” He looked down at Jim, sleep warm and vulnerable in his sleep and didn’t want to leave, but he did it anyway. Gently he pried Jim away and soothed his questioning noise with a soft ‘I’ll be back soon’ and a kiss on the forehead. Jim nodded slightly and moved into the spot he just vacated.
“Bed hog.” Leonard muttered. Taking the back corridors, he managed to make it outside without running into anybody. Uhura was waiting for him in front the fountain, standard uniform pressed and clean, making him look even more like a rumpled bum. Her hair was down and swaying slightly in the breeze.
“Nyota.” He greeted her when he got close enough. “Thank you for coming. I met someone and she says she knows you but we can’t find her parents.”
McCoy looked at her in confusion before finally taking note of the girl who stood up from the grass in front of the fountain and he froze, heart in his throat. There was a birth certificate and signed divorce papers that said she wasn't his but in his mind and his heart she would always be his little girl.
“Jo.” His said in a strangled voice that was pulled from the place that never healed when the judge decided he wasn’t fit to be her father anymore.
“Daddy.” There were tears in her eyes and she was trembling. “I wanted to see you, make sure you were okay.” Her breath hitched on every other word.
“Jo.” He couldn’t seem to make himself say anything else.
“I..” She looked down than back up at him before running and throwing herself into his arms, sobbing. He held her tightly feeling the tears fall onto her hair. Leonard wasn’t going to ask how or why, he was just going to enjoy hugging his little girl for now.
Of course he called Jocelyn and then Slma when she didn’t pick up and his mother for good measure. Out of the three women, his mother was the first to show.
“I was in the neighborhood.” She said three hours later to Leonard’s skeptical look. She pulled him into a tight embrace and whispered: “I’m so proud of you.”
He nodded against her hair and squeezed her before letting go. They were still building their relationship back up, but they had both come a long way since David’s death. “Now, where’s my grandbaby?
The rest of the afternoon was spent watching the two girls he loved the most in the world reconnect after three years. He smiled and kicked his feet up and regaled them with a sanitized version of recent events in the lounge area of their dorms.
Eventually, a sleep-mused Jim stumbled down. It was a good look on him and Leonard quickly tried to hide his reaction before anyone noticed.
“Ambassador McCoy.” Kirk attempted a salute. “I keep telling you not to do that.” His mother said with a teasing smile while Leonard rolled his eyes in the background.
“Yes ma’am.” Kirk was always bashful around his mother or as close to it as someone like Jim could get.
“Jim, this is my daughter.” Leonard drew Jo forward and answered Jim’s confused expression with a mouthed promise to explain later. “And Jo this is James T. Kirk. He’s the Captain of the ship your uncle Al built.”
Jo’s eyes immediately lit up and he could see her brimming with the many questions she wanted to ask him. Apparently he wasn’t the only one because his mother said: “Jim, why don’t you fetch us something to drink and take Joana with you.”
Jim shot him a wide-eyed pleading look but Leonard shook his head and waved them along. His mother turned her head to watch them walk away. “He’s such a pretty thing.”
“Mother!”
“Leonard!” She could still mimic him better than anyone. She held both hands up and gave him an innocent smile. “I know. I know. Stop ogling your man.”
“He’s not my man.” His mother snorted. “I’m not stupid, honey and neither are you.”
Thankfully she changed the subject after that.
*
Jocelyn arrived the next day. They both stood on of the balconies watching the white capped blue waves gently moving towards shore. From a distance they didn’t look half as powerful as they were.
“The vids you send-she watches them every night. She tries to hide it but I…” Her voice cut off and she wrapped her arms around herself as if holding the emotion in and breathed harshly for a minute. “I know. I hear her crying, hidden underneath the comforter.”
She raised a hand and wiped her eyes tiredly. “How fucking selfish am I.” It wasn’t a question. “I was so angry at you. When you shut me out, it hurt and I wanted a reaction, any reaction. I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me. It’s all I could think about. I didn’t even consider how it would affect Jo. I thought we could just erase you out of our lives as if you had never been and everything would be fine. But it’s not that simple. She hides in her room. Her grades are slipping. She gets in fights at school.” She almost whispered: “She won’t talk to me, not about anything that matters.”
“So what do you want to do?” He asked. He didn't want Joana cut out of his life again. Jocelyn looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “I’ll talk to my lawyer and we’ll work something out. Maybe she can stay with you for the rest of the summer.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” It was the first decent conversation they had in years and they parted on good terms with her letting Joana stay with his mother in San Francisco for a couple of days.
Jim watched her go with a barely concealed hostility. He probably knew more about Leonard’s failed relationship than anybody and held no good will towards her.
“So, we’re finally alone.” Jim said as the shut behind him. Leonard scrolled through the messages on his com unit.
“I think I should go back to med bay and check on Pike. There’s still the possibility of infection.”
Jim grabbed his arm and took the com unit. “There are other people who can handle that. Right now we have some unfinished business.”
“What?” He went over the past couple of days trying to remember.
“You’re a tease, Leonard McCoy.” And then Jim kissed him.
Leonard broke away. “What?”
“Less talking, Bones. I’ve been waiting three years for this.”
Jim said roughly and pushed Leonard down on his unmade bed. Leonard laughed and shifted enough to let Jim pull his shirt off.
“I think this against violation of Starfleet regs, Captain Kirk.”
“Not on my ship, Chief Medical Officer McCoy. Now get your pants off before I throw you into the brig.”
Later, after a truly inspired demonstration of Jim’s skills, Leonard left him in bed and padded quietly out of the room to one of the balconies. The sun was just beginning to rise over the ocean and he sat there and thought of all of the events in his life that brought him to this point. Parts of it still hurt like hell and he regretted a lot, but for the first time he could say that he wouldn’t go back and change any of it.
He clicked on the video chat function on the PADD.
“You asshole! Look what you did to my ship.”
“I’m fine, Al thanks for asking.”
“I knew that, your head’s like concrete. And tell your friggin’ boyfriend captain that me and him are going to have some words. The warp cores, Lenny! Seriously.”
He doesn’t ask how Al knew but that statement was his way of saying that his relationship with Jim didn’t matter. Repair ships zoomed overhead as the vivid reds and pinks faded from the sky. Later there would be discussions and meetings and a possible five year mission but now there was the good-natured ribbing of his brother and a handsome man warming his bed that he was pretty much in love with.
Leonard McCoy smiled up at the sky and figured life couldn’t get much better than this.
Fin
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