New Eden - 62
yeah
*62*
It wasn’t too long after Jared retired to his own sleeping quarters before Ian then arrived back in Lili’s. She looked up at his arrival, slightly startled, but said nothing as he offered a slight nod and handed her a plate with a portion of their night’s dinner on it.
“It’s fish, again.” Ian spoke, though quietly as she slowly took the plate, though didn’t really look up at him as he offered it.
“I thought you were pissed off at me, too.” Lili finally managed, though still didn’t meet his eyes as she spoke hoarsely.
“Not a lot of people I can spend time with any more. I gotta pick and choose who I stay angry at, and for how long.” he answered gently as he took a seat near where she continued to stare down at the plate.
“I did want him to tell you. I just…” she simply shook her head.
“Let’s not even worry about all that right now. Remember, you gotta eat. You have a little girl to provide for now. And you gotta get stronger before you can do that.” Ian pointed out to her, trying not to notice her slight flinch at his words.
Lili continued to shake her head down at where she let the plate rest atop her lap, the light blanket still wrapped around her as she remained leaning back upon the bunched up blankets against the wall of the shack, “I honestly did think I was dead.” she whispered.
“Well, you’re not.” he assured with a small smile, curbing the urge to reach out to place an arm around her, or even offer a slight touch upon her cheek.
“But it felt like I was.” Lili denied, though weakly, “It felt like I was no longer trapped in my body, in all of that horrible pain, anymore. I thought it was finally over.” she added with a slight sniffle.
“Lili…” Ian began as he tried in vain to get her to look back up at him before he had to continue, “You’re scaring me a little, Lili.” he managed.
“You? Scared? Didn’t think that was possible.” she added with a slight scoff as well as another sniffle.
“It’s very possible, when you sound like…” he took a breath, “almost like you wanted it to be over.”
“Of course I wanted the pain to be over.” she returned quietly.
“But you sound like…like you wanted everything to be over.” he dared, still trying desperately to get her to meet his eyes.
Lili took another shaky breath as she finally allowed the slightest sideways glance toward him, “I suppose I can continue to pretend that’s not the case, if it’ll keep you all from looking at me like you are right now.”
That was when Ian dropped his eyes, “I’m sorry, Lili, but how am I supposed to look when you basically tell me that you wish it was all over?”
“Wish what was all over? Seriously, what is it that we even have here that is even worth waking up to at all, day after day? What? I mean, name one reason I have to not want this all to be over. Can you, really?” she pleaded as the tears welled up.
That was when Ian couldn’t stifle the slight gasp as he looked up at her again, “Lili, I know just about everything about being stuck here sucks, but…” he shook his head, “But, you’re a mother now. Shouldn’t that be the reason you have to go on?” he asked, mirroring a bit of her pleading tone in his own right then.
Lili just shook her head as she too looked down, “And becoming a mother is what almost killed me. So sorry if it’s not exactly the most joyous day of my life.” she whispered as she choked back more tears.
Ian remained in shocked silence for several moments before he could find any words at all, all things considered, “Is that why you didn’t even wanna see her?”
Lili swallowed hard again before finding her voice once more, “I just, I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I can barely stand being here from one second to the next, on any given day, and now…I have a child who I’ve sentenced to this life? How am I supposed to ever make that ok for her, when I can’t even fathom it ever being ok for any of us?”
“So, you won’t even try?” Ian returned in his own hoarse whisper.
“I don’t know how to, Ian.” Lili admitted, finally unable to hold back the sob she had been trying to stifle for the entire conversation.
“Well, giving up definitely isn’t the way. I know that much, for sure.” he stated plainly as he forced himself back to his feet and left the room once more.
The next morning when Jared awoke and headed outside, he once again found Ian trying to get some more milk into the child’s system as Kyle went about getting breakfast ready. When he returned from relieving himself, he looked between the two males, who didn’t do much in the way of acknowledging his presence, still.
Jared took a breath as he attempted to be the one to establish communication, since neither of them seemed very keen to do so, “Anyone check on Lili yet?”
“Not since last night.” Ian mumbled as he continued his attempt at feeding the baby.
“I looked in on her, for a moment. She’s sleeping.” Kyle stated flatly as he continued to work on breakfast without bothering to glance up as he spoke.
“So, did she see her last night, after I went to bed?” Jared posed the question to Ian, nodding toward the child as he spoke.
“Nope.” Ian answered, the bitterness obvious in his tone.
“Did Lili at least eat?” Jared asked warily, as Kyle only glanced up briefly at the sound of Ian’s obvious upset.
“Not that I know of.” Ian returned in the same tone, still not looking up from the child, “Doubt she will see her, or bother with eating, either, any time soon.” he couldn’t help adding.
“Pardon?” Jared asked, Kyle’s attention garnered by that statement as well.
“Lili isn’t really interested in seeing the baby. Or in just about anything else right now.” Ian stated, barely audibly.
That was when Jared and Kyle both adopted slightly confused looks as they waited for Ian to offer any sort of elaboration, which he did not. Jared then spoke instead, after another moment, “Did she actually say any of that?”
“Would you really be surprised if she had?” Ian scoffed.
Jared just shook his head, “So, she didn’t though, actually say anything like that?” Jared repeated.
“No, just that she wished she had died and that she had no reason to go on. Is that close enough for you?” Ian retorted, his upset more than obvious in his voice at that point.
“That’s what she said?” Jared breathed the words more than spoke them, Kyle also standing and moving closer as the conversation continued.
“You’re the one who’s been with her all this time. I didn’t think you’d be so shocked by her current state.” Ian returned coolly.
“I was hoping that once she got through the birth…” Jared just shook his head as he glanced back at the shack, “But if she still feels that way, then this, this is something different.” he added, though more to himself.
“I mean, she’s got good points. Being stuck here does suck. And it’s horrible that this little girl will never know any life but this one.” Ian agreed as he forced his own composure, “But I thought that…hoped that…that she would at least try, for her sake.” he added in a whisper as he looked back down at the child in his arms.
“I don’t know if she can.” Jared admitted in his own whisper, sill looking back at the shack.
“What?” Ian retorted as he looked up at Jared, “What kind of bullshit response is that?”
Jared then sighed deeply as he cast his eyes downwards, “I was worried about this, because of how horribly depressed, and hopeless Lili had been feeling, for months.” he swallowed slightly, “Like I said, I was hoping it was possibly just the hormones and everything because of the pregnancy, but, if she still feels this way. And it’s not just a passing mood. This could be something very different indeed.” he added as he took another shaky breath, eyes still downward.
“What does that even mean?” Ian retorted.
“It means that we can’t let ourselves be angry at her for feeling the way she’s feeling right now. It means that she honestly can’t help it, and she’s going to need all of us to be there for her, cause if we’re not…then it won’t go away. It’ll only get worse, for both her, and the baby.” Jared warned as he took another breath and headed inside once more.
Ian just scoffed as Jared disappeared behind the door, “Did he just say that I’m supposed to be ok with the fact that Lili wishes she was dead, and the fact that she doesn’t even wanna come near our daughter?” he asked as he looked back at where Kyle had been worriedly listening to the conversation as well.
“I don’t think that’s exactly what he was saying.” Kyle attempted an answer, though sadly.
“Well, then enlighten me, cause I must’ve missed part of the conversation.” Ian replied, his upset obvious.
“He said that she couldn’t help it.”
“Right.” Ian scoffed loudly.
“Just like I can’t help the cutting.” Kyle replied softly, his own eyes cast downwards, “I don’t wanna feel the way I feel when I do it…but I can’t stop feeling that way. Just like Lili can’t stop feeling the way she’s feeling right now, no matter how much she might want to.” Kyle allowed a heavy sigh, “So, if you get angry at her for it, it will only make it worse. Much worse.” he added as he turned away once more.
Ian just shook his head as he watched as Kyle attempted to distract himself with the meal once again, “Well, I can’t exactly be happy about it!” Ian denied as he shook his own head down at where the baby still fussed in his arms.
“Being happy about it is hardly the answer, either.” Kyle returned, though didn’t look back toward Ian as he did.
“Then what the fuck is the answer?” Ian asked, his voice almost pleading once more.
“I don’t think even my IQ can come up with that one.” Kyle admitted sadly.
Ian scoffed again as he looked over at Kyle in disbelief, “Are you serious?”
That was when Kyle looked back toward the older man once again, “You honestly think I know how to make this all better? How could I?” Kyle replied with his own sadness.
“Funny, seems to me like you are the only one who could know what Lili really needs, for sure. Now aren’t you?”
Kyle looked up quickly at that statement, “What?” was all he managed, “What is that supposed to mean, exactly?”
Ian scoffed again, “You tell me what I mean. After all, that’s what you do, isn’t it?” Ian pointed out bluntly.
Kyle shook his head as he stood once more, “You’re asking me to read her mind? You’re actually asking me to do that, invade her head like that, when she already feels so…You want me to do that?”
“Well, I sure as hell don’t know what I can do to help her. And Jared, he doesn’t really, either, unless some vision gives him the answer, and who knows when and if that’ll even be. So, that just leaves you, now doesn’t it?”
Kyle shook his head once again, “And if I wasn’t here, then how would you try to fix this?”
“Well, you are here. Jared saved you so you would still be here, so be here. Help us try and find some way to fix this. To fix her.”
“Fix her?” Kyle scoffed again, “She’s not a computer I can re-program, Ian.” That was when Ian scoffed loudly again, which in turn caused Kyle to speak up, “What?” Though Ian bit back his own answer and simply looked away once more, which did cause Kyle to need to get that response after all. After peering inside Ian’s head, it was now Kyle’s turn to gasp and ask, “Are you serious?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Ian denied, though weakly.
“You were so keen on me looking into other people’s heads, so I looked, and I can’t believe what I just saw in yours.”
“And which of my million thoughts would that be?” Ian asked, though his voice showed that he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know which of his thoughts Kyle had just tapped in to.
“Looking inside her head is bad enough, Ian. I can’t believe that you’d actually want me to change what’s in there, too. That is just…”
“But you could, couldn’t you?”
“Ian…” Kyle shook his head again.
“That’s how you did things on the ship, isn’t it? With your team? They wouldn’t behave the way you wanted them to. They wouldn’t take your ideas or follow your orders or do what you wanted them to, not until you made them think that it was what they wanted, too. Isn’t that true?” Ian pointed out in the same calculating tone.
Kyle just allowed another gasp of disbelief, “That was different, Ian.”
“How the fuck was it different?”
Kyle seemed to struggle to find the words for his own defense, “They weren’t even friends of mine, let alone, anything more. Only co-workers. And I’m not saying that makes it all right, but it does make it different.” a quick pause before continuing, “And the thoughts I put in their heads, it was to make the ship better, make all of our lives up there better. It was for the greater good.” he attempted to defend, though his words were weak.
“And how is making it so Lili doesn’t feel the way she feels, making it so she feels like she’s happy again, making her think there is hope, after all, making her think that we can try, somehow, to give our daughter a happy life, despite everything…How is that not for the greater good, too, Kyle?”
“But I would be completely changing all her feelings, what makes her her…how can you think that is ok? I would be practically taking away her whole personality.” Kyle argued, though weakly.
“But you’d be taking away her pain!” Ian denied with desperation, “How is that not ok?”
*62*
It wasn’t too long after Jared retired to his own sleeping quarters before Ian then arrived back in Lili’s. She looked up at his arrival, slightly startled, but said nothing as he offered a slight nod and handed her a plate with a portion of their night’s dinner on it.
“It’s fish, again.” Ian spoke, though quietly as she slowly took the plate, though didn’t really look up at him as he offered it.
“I thought you were pissed off at me, too.” Lili finally managed, though still didn’t meet his eyes as she spoke hoarsely.
“Not a lot of people I can spend time with any more. I gotta pick and choose who I stay angry at, and for how long.” he answered gently as he took a seat near where she continued to stare down at the plate.
“I did want him to tell you. I just…” she simply shook her head.
“Let’s not even worry about all that right now. Remember, you gotta eat. You have a little girl to provide for now. And you gotta get stronger before you can do that.” Ian pointed out to her, trying not to notice her slight flinch at his words.
Lili continued to shake her head down at where she let the plate rest atop her lap, the light blanket still wrapped around her as she remained leaning back upon the bunched up blankets against the wall of the shack, “I honestly did think I was dead.” she whispered.
“Well, you’re not.” he assured with a small smile, curbing the urge to reach out to place an arm around her, or even offer a slight touch upon her cheek.
“But it felt like I was.” Lili denied, though weakly, “It felt like I was no longer trapped in my body, in all of that horrible pain, anymore. I thought it was finally over.” she added with a slight sniffle.
“Lili…” Ian began as he tried in vain to get her to look back up at him before he had to continue, “You’re scaring me a little, Lili.” he managed.
“You? Scared? Didn’t think that was possible.” she added with a slight scoff as well as another sniffle.
“It’s very possible, when you sound like…” he took a breath, “almost like you wanted it to be over.”
“Of course I wanted the pain to be over.” she returned quietly.
“But you sound like…like you wanted everything to be over.” he dared, still trying desperately to get her to meet his eyes.
Lili took another shaky breath as she finally allowed the slightest sideways glance toward him, “I suppose I can continue to pretend that’s not the case, if it’ll keep you all from looking at me like you are right now.”
That was when Ian dropped his eyes, “I’m sorry, Lili, but how am I supposed to look when you basically tell me that you wish it was all over?”
“Wish what was all over? Seriously, what is it that we even have here that is even worth waking up to at all, day after day? What? I mean, name one reason I have to not want this all to be over. Can you, really?” she pleaded as the tears welled up.
That was when Ian couldn’t stifle the slight gasp as he looked up at her again, “Lili, I know just about everything about being stuck here sucks, but…” he shook his head, “But, you’re a mother now. Shouldn’t that be the reason you have to go on?” he asked, mirroring a bit of her pleading tone in his own right then.
Lili just shook her head as she too looked down, “And becoming a mother is what almost killed me. So sorry if it’s not exactly the most joyous day of my life.” she whispered as she choked back more tears.
Ian remained in shocked silence for several moments before he could find any words at all, all things considered, “Is that why you didn’t even wanna see her?”
Lili swallowed hard again before finding her voice once more, “I just, I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I can barely stand being here from one second to the next, on any given day, and now…I have a child who I’ve sentenced to this life? How am I supposed to ever make that ok for her, when I can’t even fathom it ever being ok for any of us?”
“So, you won’t even try?” Ian returned in his own hoarse whisper.
“I don’t know how to, Ian.” Lili admitted, finally unable to hold back the sob she had been trying to stifle for the entire conversation.
“Well, giving up definitely isn’t the way. I know that much, for sure.” he stated plainly as he forced himself back to his feet and left the room once more.
The next morning when Jared awoke and headed outside, he once again found Ian trying to get some more milk into the child’s system as Kyle went about getting breakfast ready. When he returned from relieving himself, he looked between the two males, who didn’t do much in the way of acknowledging his presence, still.
Jared took a breath as he attempted to be the one to establish communication, since neither of them seemed very keen to do so, “Anyone check on Lili yet?”
“Not since last night.” Ian mumbled as he continued his attempt at feeding the baby.
“I looked in on her, for a moment. She’s sleeping.” Kyle stated flatly as he continued to work on breakfast without bothering to glance up as he spoke.
“So, did she see her last night, after I went to bed?” Jared posed the question to Ian, nodding toward the child as he spoke.
“Nope.” Ian answered, the bitterness obvious in his tone.
“Did Lili at least eat?” Jared asked warily, as Kyle only glanced up briefly at the sound of Ian’s obvious upset.
“Not that I know of.” Ian returned in the same tone, still not looking up from the child, “Doubt she will see her, or bother with eating, either, any time soon.” he couldn’t help adding.
“Pardon?” Jared asked, Kyle’s attention garnered by that statement as well.
“Lili isn’t really interested in seeing the baby. Or in just about anything else right now.” Ian stated, barely audibly.
That was when Jared and Kyle both adopted slightly confused looks as they waited for Ian to offer any sort of elaboration, which he did not. Jared then spoke instead, after another moment, “Did she actually say any of that?”
“Would you really be surprised if she had?” Ian scoffed.
Jared just shook his head, “So, she didn’t though, actually say anything like that?” Jared repeated.
“No, just that she wished she had died and that she had no reason to go on. Is that close enough for you?” Ian retorted, his upset more than obvious in his voice at that point.
“That’s what she said?” Jared breathed the words more than spoke them, Kyle also standing and moving closer as the conversation continued.
“You’re the one who’s been with her all this time. I didn’t think you’d be so shocked by her current state.” Ian returned coolly.
“I was hoping that once she got through the birth…” Jared just shook his head as he glanced back at the shack, “But if she still feels that way, then this, this is something different.” he added, though more to himself.
“I mean, she’s got good points. Being stuck here does suck. And it’s horrible that this little girl will never know any life but this one.” Ian agreed as he forced his own composure, “But I thought that…hoped that…that she would at least try, for her sake.” he added in a whisper as he looked back down at the child in his arms.
“I don’t know if she can.” Jared admitted in his own whisper, sill looking back at the shack.
“What?” Ian retorted as he looked up at Jared, “What kind of bullshit response is that?”
Jared then sighed deeply as he cast his eyes downwards, “I was worried about this, because of how horribly depressed, and hopeless Lili had been feeling, for months.” he swallowed slightly, “Like I said, I was hoping it was possibly just the hormones and everything because of the pregnancy, but, if she still feels this way. And it’s not just a passing mood. This could be something very different indeed.” he added as he took another shaky breath, eyes still downward.
“What does that even mean?” Ian retorted.
“It means that we can’t let ourselves be angry at her for feeling the way she’s feeling right now. It means that she honestly can’t help it, and she’s going to need all of us to be there for her, cause if we’re not…then it won’t go away. It’ll only get worse, for both her, and the baby.” Jared warned as he took another breath and headed inside once more.
Ian just scoffed as Jared disappeared behind the door, “Did he just say that I’m supposed to be ok with the fact that Lili wishes she was dead, and the fact that she doesn’t even wanna come near our daughter?” he asked as he looked back at where Kyle had been worriedly listening to the conversation as well.
“I don’t think that’s exactly what he was saying.” Kyle attempted an answer, though sadly.
“Well, then enlighten me, cause I must’ve missed part of the conversation.” Ian replied, his upset obvious.
“He said that she couldn’t help it.”
“Right.” Ian scoffed loudly.
“Just like I can’t help the cutting.” Kyle replied softly, his own eyes cast downwards, “I don’t wanna feel the way I feel when I do it…but I can’t stop feeling that way. Just like Lili can’t stop feeling the way she’s feeling right now, no matter how much she might want to.” Kyle allowed a heavy sigh, “So, if you get angry at her for it, it will only make it worse. Much worse.” he added as he turned away once more.
Ian just shook his head as he watched as Kyle attempted to distract himself with the meal once again, “Well, I can’t exactly be happy about it!” Ian denied as he shook his own head down at where the baby still fussed in his arms.
“Being happy about it is hardly the answer, either.” Kyle returned, though didn’t look back toward Ian as he did.
“Then what the fuck is the answer?” Ian asked, his voice almost pleading once more.
“I don’t think even my IQ can come up with that one.” Kyle admitted sadly.
Ian scoffed again as he looked over at Kyle in disbelief, “Are you serious?”
That was when Kyle looked back toward the older man once again, “You honestly think I know how to make this all better? How could I?” Kyle replied with his own sadness.
“Funny, seems to me like you are the only one who could know what Lili really needs, for sure. Now aren’t you?”
Kyle looked up quickly at that statement, “What?” was all he managed, “What is that supposed to mean, exactly?”
Ian scoffed again, “You tell me what I mean. After all, that’s what you do, isn’t it?” Ian pointed out bluntly.
Kyle shook his head as he stood once more, “You’re asking me to read her mind? You’re actually asking me to do that, invade her head like that, when she already feels so…You want me to do that?”
“Well, I sure as hell don’t know what I can do to help her. And Jared, he doesn’t really, either, unless some vision gives him the answer, and who knows when and if that’ll even be. So, that just leaves you, now doesn’t it?”
Kyle shook his head once again, “And if I wasn’t here, then how would you try to fix this?”
“Well, you are here. Jared saved you so you would still be here, so be here. Help us try and find some way to fix this. To fix her.”
“Fix her?” Kyle scoffed again, “She’s not a computer I can re-program, Ian.” That was when Ian scoffed loudly again, which in turn caused Kyle to speak up, “What?” Though Ian bit back his own answer and simply looked away once more, which did cause Kyle to need to get that response after all. After peering inside Ian’s head, it was now Kyle’s turn to gasp and ask, “Are you serious?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Ian denied, though weakly.
“You were so keen on me looking into other people’s heads, so I looked, and I can’t believe what I just saw in yours.”
“And which of my million thoughts would that be?” Ian asked, though his voice showed that he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know which of his thoughts Kyle had just tapped in to.
“Looking inside her head is bad enough, Ian. I can’t believe that you’d actually want me to change what’s in there, too. That is just…”
“But you could, couldn’t you?”
“Ian…” Kyle shook his head again.
“That’s how you did things on the ship, isn’t it? With your team? They wouldn’t behave the way you wanted them to. They wouldn’t take your ideas or follow your orders or do what you wanted them to, not until you made them think that it was what they wanted, too. Isn’t that true?” Ian pointed out in the same calculating tone.
Kyle just allowed another gasp of disbelief, “That was different, Ian.”
“How the fuck was it different?”
Kyle seemed to struggle to find the words for his own defense, “They weren’t even friends of mine, let alone, anything more. Only co-workers. And I’m not saying that makes it all right, but it does make it different.” a quick pause before continuing, “And the thoughts I put in their heads, it was to make the ship better, make all of our lives up there better. It was for the greater good.” he attempted to defend, though his words were weak.
“And how is making it so Lili doesn’t feel the way she feels, making it so she feels like she’s happy again, making her think there is hope, after all, making her think that we can try, somehow, to give our daughter a happy life, despite everything…How is that not for the greater good, too, Kyle?”
“But I would be completely changing all her feelings, what makes her her…how can you think that is ok? I would be practically taking away her whole personality.” Kyle argued, though weakly.
“But you’d be taking away her pain!” Ian denied with desperation, “How is that not ok?”