Fic: Lookout Mountain is Actually a Plateau (Sports Night, gen)
Title: Lookout Mountain is Actually a Plateau
Fandom: Sports Night
Notes: Gen, PG, 1601 words. For sportsbackinsn (kind of light on the sports), prompt: Appalachian State wins second I-AA football championship in a row.
Summary: "First: does anyone have any information on bail bondsmen?"
1.
"And let's not forget the local rivalry: the Mountaineers aren't just the reigning I-AA champs; they've also dominated the battle for the Old Mountain Jug for two years running, flattening the Catamounts of Western Carolina - "
"I don't think we're allowed to talk about that kind of thing on the air, Casey."
"Catamount is a regional name for the cougar."
"Thank you."
"Also known as the puma."
"Guys, you know that you don't actually have to fill right now?" Dana muttered from the control room. "That there's actual, you know, sports you could talk about?"
"I thought a puma was a panther?"
"All the same animal. Tune in tomorrow for our live post-game coverage, where Dan will be reporting his first-hand observations of Appalachia's native fauna from Chattanooga, Tennessee's undiscovered gem. To cover his expense account, let's have some commercials. You're watching Sports Night on CSC; we'll be right back, so stick around."
As soon as they were clear, Dan turned to Casey. "What about mountain lions?"
"Are they the same thing?"
"That's what I'm asking."
"I think they're closely related."
"I don't think I'm going to do well in Appalachia."
2.
He had to call twice before Casey answered. "Do they know that the war's over?"
"Hi, Danny, how was your flight?"
Dan lowered his voice. "The war between the states. Do they know it's over? Because it's crawling with extras from Glory here."
"Are they blue or gray?"
"What?"
"The uniforms - blue, or gray?"
Dan looked around, trying not to attract attention to himself. "Blue. Sort of faded, but definitely blue."
"You're surrounded by the Union Army - I think you're going to be okay."
"I don't think you understand - there are guns."
"Natalie wants to say hi. I'm going to transfer you now." The phone clicked and beeped.
"Danny?" It was still Casey.
"Yeah?"
"How do I transfer calls?"
"I have no idea."
"All right, then."
3.
Casey leaned in the doorway of Dana's office.
"Remind me again why you sent Dan to Chattanooga?"
Dana wheeled her chair out from behind the desk and tossed a crumpled market analysis in the wastebasket. "Nothing but the bottom of the net. Why did we send Dan to Chattanooga?"
"Yes, that was the question." Casey took a couple of steps into the office.
"Well, Kelly's kid was sick, Mike's on vacation, and you antagonized Don Brown last year."
"Also, you like to make Dan leave the Northeast corridor every once in a while?"
"You're on the right track."
"And he might run into Civil War reenactors and freak out?"
"There's that."
"And it's fun to say Chattanooga?"
"There you have it."
4.
Natalie called as Dan was headed to the locker-room for the post-game with Kevin Richardson.
"Anyone fire a cannon at you yet?"
"No, but the night is young. How many yards did Edwards run for?"
"Eighty-one - weren't you watching the game?"
"I got a little dist - holy shit, what was that?" Muffled explosions echoed outside.
"Fireworks," offered Mark the cameraman.
"You're sure the rebel army isn't trying to blow us up?"
In between giggles, Natalie asked, "Should we send you a musket?"
"I'm going to hang up now."
5.
"What if, instead of the Secret Santa, we try something new?" Dana took another sip of her martini.
"Like what?" Natalie asked.
"I don't know. One of those other things that people do. Like a Yankee Swap."
"You mean Hanukkah Grab-Bag?" Jeremy said.
"Yes, exactly!" Dana sat up and looked around. "Can we get a nice, non-ethnocentric name for that?" No one answered. "I mean, I'm neither Jewish nor a Yankee, for one - "
"It would be like growing up with my sister all over again," Jeremy said, shaking his head. "I think it's a horrible idea."
Casey returned from the bar. "I think we'd all end up in a fight over the Old Mountain Jug." He settled three beers and a martini on the table, slid into the booth next to Natalie, and raised his glass. Chris was telling a story about the last gift exchange he'd been in, Natalie was looking through her purse for something, and Jeremy was doing something complicated with forks. Dana was feeling a happy, tipsy haze, a feeling of warmth and magnanimity toward all of them, when she noticed something familiar and alarming about Casey's expression, staring at his phone.
"What's happening?" Dana asked. She turned around to look at the tv over the bar; a minivan swung around a curve.
"Nothing. Everything's fine."
"Right."
"Everything's totally fine."
"You said that."
"Except that Dan's maybe been slightly arrested."
6.
Dana was drumming her pencil on the conference table, looking for an agenda. "Okay. First: does anyone have any information on bail bondsmen?"
"Doesn't the network have people for this?" Will asked.
"Oh, no, we're not talking about this with the network," Dana said.
"He has a point; it might be a good idea to get the lawyers in on it in case-" Natalie faded out as Dana's glare sank in.
"Isaac's on the phone with them, but their top concern right now is the publicity. So, back to the point: how do we find a bail bondsman in Tennessee?"
"I went out with a bounty hunter once," Kim offered. "He might know someone."
"Good. How about you give him a call, and the rest of us will keep brainstorming? Let's hear some more ideas!"
"I think we should be ready for a running game," Casey said.
"Did I ask for jokes?"
"My aunt is a lawyer in Nashville," Jeremy offered.
"The one from last Thanksgiving? I thought she was a chiropractor."
Dana looked thoughtful. "Is Chattanooga anywhere near Nashville?"
"About halfway to Atlanta," Jeremy said. "Say a hundred-thirty miles?"
"All right," Dana said. "We can work with that. How would you feel about paying her a visit?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to go?" Casey asked.
"Ask me how much I want both of my anchors in a jail cell in hill country," Dana said.
"Jeremy and I'll go, we'll get advice from his aunt, we'll bust Dan out, and we'll be back in time for rundown tomorrow."
"Bust him out, Casey? You spend a lot of time in the joint picking up the lingo?"
"Come on; let me go."
"I'm actually kind of scared of your aunt," Natalie told Jeremy.
Jeremy turned to her. "She's completely harmless."
"I don't think so."
"Her pets are just very important to her."
"Her pets are dead, sweetie. Dead and stuffed."
"You should see my uncle."
"All right," Dana said, putting the pencil behind her ear. "It may be time to rethink our plan."
7.
Isaac seriously wished he'd made it onto the train before Dana had called. By the time he'd gotten off the phone with the legal department, Dana was hovering outside of his office. She poked her head in the door as he was setting down the receiver.
"I think we have to give an exclusive to CNN or MSNBC, and do you know why?"
"Because we don't even know what he's been arrested for, and maybe they'll tell us?" Isaac asked.
"Because if it's going to be news, we want it to be serious news, not the tabloids."
"Our story tomorrow is Appalachian State, not our own problems."
"Do you think Larry King will take him again?"
"You know, I still can't believe he text-messaged Casey that he was being arrested. My daughter is always sending those text messages; I wouldn't have thought Dan and Casey did."
"I can't believe he didn't use his one phone call to get in touch with us." Dana finally stopped pacing and sank into a chair. "Isaac, what are we going to do?"
8.
"I think I'm having another New York renaissance," Dan declared, stepping out of the elevator. "A renaissance that I'll call 'Thank God we don't have cougars here.'"
"Dan!" Natalie said. "Why the hell didn't you call? Dana, Dan's back!"
"A renaissance called 'No sorority girl has ever stolen my cell phone in New York.'"
Dana came down the hall from her office. "Where are Casey and Jeremy?"
"Your phone was stolen?"
"The post-championship celebrations of my youth were much more civilized."
"Is that where you got arrested?"
"That's where an Appalachian state supporter with a very charming accent, rendered only slightly less charming by the drunken slur, borrowed my phone and then vanished into the crowd, never to be seen again."
"So, you didn't, say, send any text messages to Casey last night?"
"My phone does text messages?"
"Natalie, get Casey and Jeremy on the phone; don't let them get on the plane to Chattanooga."
"I'm on it," she called back over her shoulder.
"I'm so confused right now," Dan said. "I think I'll go for a walk in Central Park tomorrow morning - who's with me?"
"I really could kill you right now." Dana turned and headed for Isaac's office. "Isaac? Dan's back! He wasn't arrested - can I kill him?"
"Maybe drink an egg cream. You can't get a decent egg cream in Chattanooga."
Natalie hung up the phone. "They're stuck in traffic; they didn't even make it to the airport. Glad to have you back!"
"Thank you."
She picked up a notebook and quickly whacked the side of his head. "Next time, call."
"My phone was stolen."
"You could have ended up rotting in a jail cell in Chattanooga!"
"You're planning to send me back next year, aren't you?"
"Appalachian State could go for three; I think it deserves in-depth coverage."
Fandom: Sports Night
Notes: Gen, PG, 1601 words. For sportsbackinsn (kind of light on the sports), prompt: Appalachian State wins second I-AA football championship in a row.
Summary: "First: does anyone have any information on bail bondsmen?"
1.
"And let's not forget the local rivalry: the Mountaineers aren't just the reigning I-AA champs; they've also dominated the battle for the Old Mountain Jug for two years running, flattening the Catamounts of Western Carolina - "
"I don't think we're allowed to talk about that kind of thing on the air, Casey."
"Catamount is a regional name for the cougar."
"Thank you."
"Also known as the puma."
"Guys, you know that you don't actually have to fill right now?" Dana muttered from the control room. "That there's actual, you know, sports you could talk about?"
"I thought a puma was a panther?"
"All the same animal. Tune in tomorrow for our live post-game coverage, where Dan will be reporting his first-hand observations of Appalachia's native fauna from Chattanooga, Tennessee's undiscovered gem. To cover his expense account, let's have some commercials. You're watching Sports Night on CSC; we'll be right back, so stick around."
As soon as they were clear, Dan turned to Casey. "What about mountain lions?"
"Are they the same thing?"
"That's what I'm asking."
"I think they're closely related."
"I don't think I'm going to do well in Appalachia."
2.
He had to call twice before Casey answered. "Do they know that the war's over?"
"Hi, Danny, how was your flight?"
Dan lowered his voice. "The war between the states. Do they know it's over? Because it's crawling with extras from Glory here."
"Are they blue or gray?"
"What?"
"The uniforms - blue, or gray?"
Dan looked around, trying not to attract attention to himself. "Blue. Sort of faded, but definitely blue."
"You're surrounded by the Union Army - I think you're going to be okay."
"I don't think you understand - there are guns."
"Natalie wants to say hi. I'm going to transfer you now." The phone clicked and beeped.
"Danny?" It was still Casey.
"Yeah?"
"How do I transfer calls?"
"I have no idea."
"All right, then."
3.
Casey leaned in the doorway of Dana's office.
"Remind me again why you sent Dan to Chattanooga?"
Dana wheeled her chair out from behind the desk and tossed a crumpled market analysis in the wastebasket. "Nothing but the bottom of the net. Why did we send Dan to Chattanooga?"
"Yes, that was the question." Casey took a couple of steps into the office.
"Well, Kelly's kid was sick, Mike's on vacation, and you antagonized Don Brown last year."
"Also, you like to make Dan leave the Northeast corridor every once in a while?"
"You're on the right track."
"And he might run into Civil War reenactors and freak out?"
"There's that."
"And it's fun to say Chattanooga?"
"There you have it."
4.
Natalie called as Dan was headed to the locker-room for the post-game with Kevin Richardson.
"Anyone fire a cannon at you yet?"
"No, but the night is young. How many yards did Edwards run for?"
"Eighty-one - weren't you watching the game?"
"I got a little dist - holy shit, what was that?" Muffled explosions echoed outside.
"Fireworks," offered Mark the cameraman.
"You're sure the rebel army isn't trying to blow us up?"
In between giggles, Natalie asked, "Should we send you a musket?"
"I'm going to hang up now."
5.
"What if, instead of the Secret Santa, we try something new?" Dana took another sip of her martini.
"Like what?" Natalie asked.
"I don't know. One of those other things that people do. Like a Yankee Swap."
"You mean Hanukkah Grab-Bag?" Jeremy said.
"Yes, exactly!" Dana sat up and looked around. "Can we get a nice, non-ethnocentric name for that?" No one answered. "I mean, I'm neither Jewish nor a Yankee, for one - "
"It would be like growing up with my sister all over again," Jeremy said, shaking his head. "I think it's a horrible idea."
Casey returned from the bar. "I think we'd all end up in a fight over the Old Mountain Jug." He settled three beers and a martini on the table, slid into the booth next to Natalie, and raised his glass. Chris was telling a story about the last gift exchange he'd been in, Natalie was looking through her purse for something, and Jeremy was doing something complicated with forks. Dana was feeling a happy, tipsy haze, a feeling of warmth and magnanimity toward all of them, when she noticed something familiar and alarming about Casey's expression, staring at his phone.
"What's happening?" Dana asked. She turned around to look at the tv over the bar; a minivan swung around a curve.
"Nothing. Everything's fine."
"Right."
"Everything's totally fine."
"You said that."
"Except that Dan's maybe been slightly arrested."
6.
Dana was drumming her pencil on the conference table, looking for an agenda. "Okay. First: does anyone have any information on bail bondsmen?"
"Doesn't the network have people for this?" Will asked.
"Oh, no, we're not talking about this with the network," Dana said.
"He has a point; it might be a good idea to get the lawyers in on it in case-" Natalie faded out as Dana's glare sank in.
"Isaac's on the phone with them, but their top concern right now is the publicity. So, back to the point: how do we find a bail bondsman in Tennessee?"
"I went out with a bounty hunter once," Kim offered. "He might know someone."
"Good. How about you give him a call, and the rest of us will keep brainstorming? Let's hear some more ideas!"
"I think we should be ready for a running game," Casey said.
"Did I ask for jokes?"
"My aunt is a lawyer in Nashville," Jeremy offered.
"The one from last Thanksgiving? I thought she was a chiropractor."
Dana looked thoughtful. "Is Chattanooga anywhere near Nashville?"
"About halfway to Atlanta," Jeremy said. "Say a hundred-thirty miles?"
"All right," Dana said. "We can work with that. How would you feel about paying her a visit?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to go?" Casey asked.
"Ask me how much I want both of my anchors in a jail cell in hill country," Dana said.
"Jeremy and I'll go, we'll get advice from his aunt, we'll bust Dan out, and we'll be back in time for rundown tomorrow."
"Bust him out, Casey? You spend a lot of time in the joint picking up the lingo?"
"Come on; let me go."
"I'm actually kind of scared of your aunt," Natalie told Jeremy.
Jeremy turned to her. "She's completely harmless."
"I don't think so."
"Her pets are just very important to her."
"Her pets are dead, sweetie. Dead and stuffed."
"You should see my uncle."
"All right," Dana said, putting the pencil behind her ear. "It may be time to rethink our plan."
7.
Isaac seriously wished he'd made it onto the train before Dana had called. By the time he'd gotten off the phone with the legal department, Dana was hovering outside of his office. She poked her head in the door as he was setting down the receiver.
"I think we have to give an exclusive to CNN or MSNBC, and do you know why?"
"Because we don't even know what he's been arrested for, and maybe they'll tell us?" Isaac asked.
"Because if it's going to be news, we want it to be serious news, not the tabloids."
"Our story tomorrow is Appalachian State, not our own problems."
"Do you think Larry King will take him again?"
"You know, I still can't believe he text-messaged Casey that he was being arrested. My daughter is always sending those text messages; I wouldn't have thought Dan and Casey did."
"I can't believe he didn't use his one phone call to get in touch with us." Dana finally stopped pacing and sank into a chair. "Isaac, what are we going to do?"
8.
"I think I'm having another New York renaissance," Dan declared, stepping out of the elevator. "A renaissance that I'll call 'Thank God we don't have cougars here.'"
"Dan!" Natalie said. "Why the hell didn't you call? Dana, Dan's back!"
"A renaissance called 'No sorority girl has ever stolen my cell phone in New York.'"
Dana came down the hall from her office. "Where are Casey and Jeremy?"
"Your phone was stolen?"
"The post-championship celebrations of my youth were much more civilized."
"Is that where you got arrested?"
"That's where an Appalachian state supporter with a very charming accent, rendered only slightly less charming by the drunken slur, borrowed my phone and then vanished into the crowd, never to be seen again."
"So, you didn't, say, send any text messages to Casey last night?"
"My phone does text messages?"
"Natalie, get Casey and Jeremy on the phone; don't let them get on the plane to Chattanooga."
"I'm on it," she called back over her shoulder.
"I'm so confused right now," Dan said. "I think I'll go for a walk in Central Park tomorrow morning - who's with me?"
"I really could kill you right now." Dana turned and headed for Isaac's office. "Isaac? Dan's back! He wasn't arrested - can I kill him?"
"Maybe drink an egg cream. You can't get a decent egg cream in Chattanooga."
Natalie hung up the phone. "They're stuck in traffic; they didn't even make it to the airport. Glad to have you back!"
"Thank you."
She picked up a notebook and quickly whacked the side of his head. "Next time, call."
"My phone was stolen."
"You could have ended up rotting in a jail cell in Chattanooga!"
"You're planning to send me back next year, aren't you?"
"Appalachian State could go for three; I think it deserves in-depth coverage."