fic, Lost: Craphole Island’s Very First Open Shirt Seminar (Desmond/Sayid, Jack/Sawyer), PG13
Well, I said I was going to do it and I did it.
Title: Craphole Island’s Very First Open Shirt Seminar
Characters/Pairing: Desmond/Sayid, Jack/Sawyer, Sun/Jin, Charlie/Claire, Juliet/Kate and maybe someone else that I don't remember.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: If Lost was mine, it'd be like this. Clearly it isn't.
Word count: around 4800
Spoilers: Up to One of Us. AU because in this one Locke went back to camp.
Summary: Desmond holds a seminar on the subject he's most proficient in.
A/N: You know the crack where you blatantly ignore every possible issue a character might have in a story? This is it. If you're searching for serious, it isn't here. The slashing hasn't got any justification whatsoever, it's there because yours truly decided it was appropriate ;) thanks to lasamy for betaing this. Using for philosophy_20 #9, orientation. Nominated at lost_fic_awards for best humorous fic, May 2008.
Look at him!
Oh my God!
That’s glorious!
Look at that shirt, how many buttons does it have left now?
I’d take a bet on that.
I’d hit that before taking a bet.
He’s engaged, you idiot!
How do you know it? And is she here?
No, she isn’t. But Claire told Charlie something, then he told Hurley who told Steve who told Tracy...
--
That is just ridiculous.
That’s right. It’s ridiculous.
Bloody ridiculous, alright.
Dude, don’t you think you might be all... you know, exaggerating? A bit?
Hugo, I think they are right. This is a serious business, though I guess it’s what he’s meant to do.
Those pants don’t make him look fat.
Dude, what’s got to do with all this?
The truth is that you are all freakin’ jealous. All of you.
Listen who is speaking. You surely do not have anything to worry about, in that department.
You’re all amateurs. Guess you ain’t still understood what’s his secret, right?
And what would it be, if you’ve got the grace to share it with us?
The way he keeps that shirt open, doctor Giggles. Look at it. Ain’t he a pro?
And how are you so bloody sure?
See, midget, my remedy is that I don’t wear it at all. Looks like it’s workin’, ain’t that? But he’s as good as me, I guess. It’s all in the shirt.
And what would you suggest, Ja-
I’m suggestin’ you ask him to teach you. I ain’t sure doin’ it.
-
It seemed such a perfect day.
Desmond was laying on the beach, his back against the sand. It wasn’t actually bothering; he had his shirt on and anyway it was so good to feel something which wasn’t artificial against his skin, grains of sand included.
He hadn’t had a flash for forty eight hours straight, Charlie was off for his picnic with Claire after four days of delaying, no one was paying attention to him (or so he thought), he had done his turn fishing before during the morning and now he was, in his humble opinion. taking the good rest he deserved.
It really felt good, laying there not thinking about anything serious, letting the sun warm his skin. He felt like a bloody lizard, but thing was (even if he wasn’t ever going to tell anyone, not that it would have been a particularly interesting thing to hear anyway), he had found out he was craving sunlight. And after three years of hatch and artificial neon, no one would have blamed him, right?
He kicked off his shoes without much hurry; the sand started burning under his feet, but it was absolutely alright. Oh, if everyday could be like this, he thought letting a satisfied smile form across his lips.
Not three minutes passed when a shadow towered over him, blocking the sunlight.
He opened his eyes and sat up, looking around.
Sayid, Jack, Charlie, Locke and Jin were standing in front of him. Hurley was there, too, but in the rear, looking kind of embarrassed; Sawyer was next to him, shirtless and seemingly amused. Desmond blinked slowly. Why did everyone look at him like he was something shown in a museum? His mind started to think in every possible wrong direction. What if he did something wrong? What if they were kicking him out? What if...
“Desmond? We need to speak to you.”, said Sayid, his tone calm and polite. Desmond could here a menacing edge to it, though.
“Well... sure brother. I’m here, yeah? Do you need something in particular? And Charlie, shouldn’t you be with Claire?”
Charlie sighed.
“Sayid, you tell him.”
“Alright. Desmond, we all need to speak to you, but for obvious reasons of time and organization, we figured it would have been in the best interest of everyone to let only one talk. And it would be me.”
“Well, fine. What’s the problem?”
“Turn around and watch behind your shoulders.”
Desmond wasn’t much convinced, but he did and as soon as he was watching the camp, he saw a bunch of girls, women, females, whatever, giggling and slightly going back towards the kitchen. He could recognize there Claire, Sun, Juliet (who didn’t actually looked particularly amused), Kate (who was amused indeed) and pretty much everyone he could remember the name of and some he didn’t. He looked straight at one and she started to blush; he sort of tried to smile and then she was gushing and giggling even harder and then he was scared and turned back to Sayid.
“What’s that?”
“They fancy you. All of them,” muttered Charlie, scowling.
“What? Me, brother? That’s nonsense!”
“How do you explain it otherwise?” asked Jack. “No one is looking at us anymore! Kate has stopped bouncing between me and Sawyer, Juliet actually doesn’t speak with me...”
“Claire said she couldn’t go on the picnic for something...”
Jin muttered something in Korean that was probably referring to Sun, but no one understood it even if they all got the drill of it.
“Basically, Desmond, every girl in this camp is head over heels over you,” said Locke.
“And what should I do ‘bout it? Listen, I really wouldn’t.. I mean, I’m not interested in any of ‘em, I already...”
“We do know you are already otherwise occupied, Desmond, but that does not change the heart of the matter.”
“Would you... would you want me to go, yeah? That was what you were asking?” he asked, not being able to contain some delusion in his tone.
“No, no, absolutely not,” said Jack, eying Sayid quite badly. Maybe he was a better diplomat, but that tone of his surely suggested otherwise, in this case.
“Because, you know, Sawyer thinks he knows why.”
“Why they fancy you, dude,” said Hurley.
“And why would they fancy me?”, asked Desmond.
“’Cause of the way you wear that shirt of yours, Braveheart.”
This is way too kafkian for my tastes, thought Desmond, quite unable to grasp the concept. Because of the way he wore his shirt? He actually never even thought about it and...
“So, what we wanted, Desmond, is for you to teach us.”
“Teach you how to wear a shirt, brother? But... I don’t... I mean, I wouldn’t even know where to start from and...”
“That is your problem, Desmond. Tomorrow we are all coming to your shelter.”
“Isn’t that a bit... small?”
“He’s right. Let’s do it in the kitchen.”, said Jack.
“Fine. We’ll go to the kitchen after breakfast and you should better figure it out before then.”
Desmond swallowed and couldn’t hold the stare of Sayid’s eyes, black and deep and serious and burning into his. He nodded once.
“Aye. Sure. Guess I can try, yeah? I’ll se all of you tomorrow then.”
“Perfect. See you tomorrow, Desmond.”
They all left, apart from Sawyer and Hurley. Desmond sat up on the beach, bringing a hand to his head.
Bloody hell, now that was a new thing. How in the world was he supposed to teach how to wear a shirt when the only thing he had done was to put it on?
Oh, that was fucked up. Quite fucked up.
Though now he wanted to know one thing.
“Sawyer!” he called, standing up, trying to ignore the giggles from behind. God forbid, they were probably checking him out.
“Yeah?”
“You aren’t going with ‘em, yeah?”
“Does it look like I need to know how to charm a woman?”
“I’ve got to give you that. Listen, I can try this thing but... I’ll probably be needin’ some help, yeah? I mean, I don’t even have shirts to have them tryin’.”
Sawyer chuckled at that, a sort of devilish grin forming on his lips.
“I can provide ya with those, Mr Haggis. That ain’t a problem.”
“Good. And I was just thinkin’... I’ll probably need a model.”
“And so?”
“Could you do that? I really wouldn’t want, y’know...”
“Sure. You’re teachin’, right? Well, well, well... I actually could since I guess I could be havin’ lots of fun, but only if you promise you’ll try to do somethin’ for me.”
“Let’s hear it.”
Sawyer came closer and told him, keeping his voice low; Desmond thought about it for a second and then nodded.
“Aye, I can try that. I’ll see you tonight in your tent in order to set the whole thing up?”
“Fine with me.”
He went and Hurley was about to do the same when Desmond called him back.
“Dude?”
“Hurley, I need you there, too.”
“For what?”
“For the rest.”
--
The next day, everything was settled up. Behind the kitchen table, they had put a suitcase full of different shirts that Desmond and Sawyer had chosen the day before from Sawyer’s own stash and from the abandoned luggage; on the table, they had provided some bottles of water and some Dharma bars. Hurley stood in the corner of the kitchen, totally not convinced, while Sawyer was next to him and look thoroughly amused.
Desmond stood behind the table, taking small bites from a Dharma chocolate bar, breathing steadily and hoping to have sorted the good way to get through with that madness; exactly on time, he saw a storm of men coming towards the table. He had a better look at them.
Sayid, Jack, Locke, Charlie, Jin; and that was absolutely fine. But he hadn’t counted in also Bernard, Steve, that bloke who always blathered about owning a frozen yogurt factory, the guy who always complained about the rash and someone else he didn’t know. Oh well, that wasn’t going to be fun anyway.
They all sat down in front of the table without saying anything; he actually wanted to laugh when he saw that Sayid had a little notebook with a pencil in his hand but decided that it was better not to. He stepped forward and went to the side of the table.
“So, is there everyone here, aye?”
There was a general positive answer.
“Good. Well, I guess this is gonna be the first lesson of.. Hurley, how was that?”
“Craphole Island’s very first open shirt seminar, dude.”
“Aye, right. Sure. So, well, you’ll have all guessed that I’m not bein’ alone with it. Hurley’s helpin’ me along and Sawyer is too. But ‘fore we start, there’s a thing we need to make sure.”
He turned towards the giggles, which had started when everyone had gathered, even if most of the eyes were pointed on him and the rest on Sawyer. He eyed the girl that was checking him out the day before and motioned for her to come to the shelter.
She made a shocked face and pointed at herself mouthing me? , he nodded and motioned for her again. She left the group, her legs seemingly trembling. She arrived at the shelter and stood on the left, looking kind of nervous, her gaze shifting between Desmond, Sawyer and the ground. She was in her mid-twenties, had long-ish brown hair arriving on her shoulder, wore a pair of casual jeans and couldn’t help blushing.
“Do you need me for something?” she asked, her voice low.
“Aye, quite. What’s your name?”
“S... Samantha, why?”
“Well, we need you for.. making a couple things clear, yeah? So, I actually noticed yesterday that you were... havin’ a look at me, let’s say?”
She blushed further...
“Well, really...”
“Don’t worry, no one’s going to bite you. I don’t mind actually, but see, all the people here actually want to learn how I seemingly do it. So, since we’ve got to make things clear, just answer a couple questions, yeah?”
“Sure, I guess so..”
“Lovely. So, on behalf also of your friends over yonder, what’s exactly that makes you all so desperate to check me out?”
“Well, you’re... can I be blunt?”
“Aye, sure.”
“You’re... hot. Very hot.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think the people here lack in that department, sister. More specifically?”
“It’s... well, the way you wear that shirt. It just... you know, it shows but doesn’t show, suggests but doesn’t suggest, and it suits you so well. Really. Of course you’re hot even when you wear something else but...”
“That’s fine. Thanks sister, you’ve been really helpful. You can go back if you wish. Oh, want a Dharma bar?” he asked, offering her one. She nodded, blushed again, snagged it and went back to her group seemingly fainting.
Desmond shook his head and turned his attention back to the group.
“So, as you’ve seen, seems like I’ve got to teach you how to wear a shirt. Which actually means that...”
He gave a quick look over the group, then nodded.
“Jack, Sayid, Charlie, Locke, all of your shirts aren’t good in the first place.”
“Why?” was the simultaneous response.
“Charlie, Sayid. You’re wearin’ tank tops. You aren’t ever going to get anywhere with a tank top. While you two, your shirts don’t have buttons. If your shirt doesn’t have buttons, it’s useless. You need one with buttons. Don’t matter whether is short sleeved or long sleeved. So please, tomorrow make sure to find yourself better suited clothing, yeah?”
Sayid took a couple of notes and the others nodded. Desmond tried to stop himself from creeping out and cleared his voice.
“That said, I can see you others all have good clothing. That’s fine. I can say we can proceed with step one, which would be... well, choose your shirt carefully. ‘Cause y’see, is no good if you choose a bad shirt, yeah? Hurley, please, hand him the first one. Sawyer, put it on.”
Hurley handed Sawyer a shirt which was, well, nothing short of hideous. It was a flannel of a light cream color with red and green vertical stripes; Sawyer put it on and Desmond called the girl back again, since the group hadn’t been moving.
“Samantha, do you think he’s hot, too?”
“Well, sure he is! I mean..”
“Right. Right now, that shirt is doin’ somethin’ to help his chances? I mean, you’d go out with him or with me, if you could choose?”
“Based on that? With you. No question,” she answered sincerely.
“Fine. Hurley, hand him the other one.”
Sawyer took his shirt graciously off and Hurley took it, handing him another one: this one was a bright red, though not too hard on the eyes. Sawyer put it on as graciously as he had took the other one off and then the girl looked at him and positively looked close to fainting.
“Now, Samantha?”
“Uhm, I’d ask for a double date?”
“Thanks sister, you’ve been extremely helpful.”
She left again and Desmond turned back to his class. Since it was a class, right?
“So, as you’ve seen, you need to choose something that suits you. ‘Cause if you don’t, won’t work even if you’re all, well, hot. Got that, yeah?”
Sayid took another couple of notes and all the others nodded again, attention full on Desmond; but he was starting to feel kind of drained by the whole business and he knew they couldn’t play class all day.
“So, for our first day, I think it can be enough, yeah? Tomorrow... I’d like each one of you to come with a couple of shirts so that we can go on. ‘Cause y’know, when half of you haven’t the proper clothing it’s a bit difficult, yeah?”
Thankfully everyone agreed with it and the class stood up and left, everyone seemingly satisfied. Desmond brought a hand to his head.
“Did I really do this?”
“Seems like you did, dude.”
“And don’t forget what you promised me.”
“No, I won’t. You’ll get what you want soon, don’t you worry.”
--
The next day, Locke wasn’t there anymore. When Desmond learned that he thought shirts with sleeves weren’t practical for boar hunting he shrugged and decided it was his loss.
Everyone had actually done his homework, he thought with a small tingle of pride; each of them had brought a couple of buttoned shirts. He decided he really fancied one of Sayid’s, a grey one, maybe slightly larger than it should have been on him, with tiny darker grey vertical stripes, of a very light cloth. He nodded in approval and then went again next to Sawyer.
“So, good mornin’ everyone. Saw you all did a great job with choosin’.”
“Are you giving marks?” asked Charlie from the back row.
“What?”
“Well, you should give marks. Why not?”
“Marks... oh well. Everyone’s got something in contrary?”
No one did and so Desmond proceeded to inspect all the shirt closely. He gave Bernard a seven, his were all plain and of a single color but quite stylish, a seven and a half to Charlie since they were sort of psychedelic but while it was original it didn’t really strike his taste, another couple of sevens to Steve and the other two he didn’t know. Then he gave an eight to Jin, who had brought a bright red shirt very similar to his own except for the color and a light violet one of the same model, another eight to Jack who had brought a creamy short sleeved one and a pink one which didn’t really convince Desmond but it was probably going to suit Jack. Then he had to give Sayid a ten because apart from that grey shirt he really was fancying a lot, he had chosen another black one of a very soft cloth which was surely going to look great and Charlie seemed quite disappointed of the results but well, he requested the bloody marks in the first sodding place.
“So, today I’ll be tryin’ to teach you how to wear that. ‘Cause y’know, that’s an art. Or so it seems. Anyway, please Hurley, give him the one we chose yesterday.”
Hurley nodded and handed Sawyer a light shirt of a dirty, clear green; Desmond nodded and Sawyer took it and put it on, buttoning it up.
“So, as you see, he’s chosen a good color for him and looks mighty fine, aye? But see, you have to.. how did the girl say yesterday, yeah, show and not show at the same time. Which means, always leave a couple of buttons opened. Maybe also three, yeah? Sawyer, please, unbutton the first two and the last one.”
Sawyer smiled a bit, nodded and did so. Everyone couldn’t reflect enough time on why actually he was being so cool with it without even a remark except that as soon as he did it, they heard moans of gleeing and squeeing from the whole lot of women on the beach who were seemingly using also binoculars.
“See?” said Desmond, eyeing his own shirt. He only had another more button opened, but he guessed it was more or less the same thing.
“Then, it isn’t over. Apart from the unbuttoning, it’s a good thing also to, y’know, not have the sleeves too long if they’re long. Sawyer, please, can you fold them up to your elbow?”
Sawyer did and another wave of feminine moans started to rise from the back of the beach.
“See?”
He dared glancing at Sayid’s notebook. He was actually sketching the way Sawyer was wearing the shirt, with notes and arrows pointing to other notes, all very neat. That was remarkable, he thought. He was going to give him some bonus points, then he stopped because he realized he was actually taking this seriously. Oh bloody...
“Anyway, for tomorrow I want you to practice this and then we’ll see the results, aye? Oh, and I was forgettin’... keep your pants low on your hips, all of you. ‘Tis a very helpful tip, let me say.”
Everyone nodded and left as happened the day before. He turned to Sawyer and nodded.
“Tomorrow. Thanks for puttin’ up with this, brother.”
“Oh, that ain’t a problem. Y’know, it was actually fun. They’re so serious ‘bout this, I wanna laugh my ass off.”
Desmond could say he agreed.
--
The next day, Desmond explained that if they really learned something, it was time to show it up. So they gathered all the girls at the camp and settled for having each of them showing off with his brand new half-buttoned shirt alone to see if it worked. If it didn’t, Desmond added, it wasn’t his goddamn bloody fault.
Rose managed to convince Bernard to renounce before it started and they didn’t left their tent for the rest of the day; Desmond actually had thought that Bernard had done a pretty fine job with his shirt all things considered. Rose probably knew what she would show off to others. That was a bonnie fine wife, he thought.
The two guys he still couldn’t remember the name off went first and there wasn’t much result; they left with a sigh.
As soon as Mr Frozen Yogurt showed up, all the girls made a disgusted expression and he flew, cursing Desmond and all the pretty people that stole the women. Desmond shrugged. It wasn’t his fault if he had chosen the worst bright pink shirt on the face of that island, for what concerned him.
Then it was Steve’s turn and that Tracy girl actually kind of jumped on him and then they disappeared in her tent. Good for them, Desmond thought.
Jin went after, his bright red shirt hanging a bit loosely on his chest, the sleeves carefully folded up, a button opened on the upper side and two in the lower side, his pants actually really low; Desmond was pleased at such a great result.
Then the girls actually started squeeing, but as soon as Desmond heard I’d hit that, the poor girl who said it received a kind of strong slap from Sun, who went straight to where Jin was staying and took him on his wrist leading him to their tent; Jin managed to wink at Desmond before she closed the flap and Desmond smiled at that.
Seemingly, his ways worked.
Charlie hadn’t actually done the best job ever, since he only had opened the fist button of his dark grey shirt; but as soon as he walked there, Desmond realized that he had actually had a shave, cleaned up a bit and looght mighty fine, indeed.
Well, he looked more than mighty fine, since the swooning began again, more on Jin’s levels; two seconds after, Claire stepped out of the group, blushing like he never saw her blush and blathering something about having never really appreciated him properly and Aaron was sleeping and maybe they could, well, and then they were just gone, Charlie almost rushing and smiling a very wide smile. Desmond felt relieved at that. A good thing, at least. He just hoped the flashes would leave him alone for another while, especially because they were probably going to be up to some business he didn’t want to mess with.
He then turned to Jack and Sayid, who were waiting for their turn; then spoke.
“You two, I’d advise to be careful. You’re actually the only ones who weren’t really involved before, so they could be... well, y’get it, right?”
“Do not worry about that.”
“Des!” he heard from behind.
“Charlie? Aren’t you...”
“Yeah, I just wanted to know whether you were going to give us certificates.”
“Well, guess I could... we’ll see, right?”
“Bloody great.”
Then he disappeared again and Desmond shrugged.
“Well, if he really needs one I guess I can give him one. But anyway, let’s see what you’re up to. Jack, you first?”
“Fine,” he said stepping out. Desmond had a better look at him. The shirt was actually quite buttoned, not what he had really hoped, but it seemed to have an effect since all the girls were squeeing quite loudly and making playing doctor jokes. Then he saw Sawyer in the back of the crowd and nodded at him; Sawyer made his way through the girls, passed Kate who was actually making kind of dreamy eyes and Juliet who was definitely checking every inch of Jack out, then went closer to the doctor.
“Doc, y’know what?”
“What?” Jack asked, suddenly blushing.
“I’m thinkin’ you need some repetitions. You ain’t even left one button open. That’s quite a shame and means you ain’t learned your lesson.”
“Repetitions..? And with whom, if you have the grace of...”
“Well, I’d be glad to serve. I’ve got to repay you for a couple of times you saved my sorry ass, right?”
“Sawyer, really, there’s...”
Jack was cut by Sawyer opening the first two buttons of his shirt and kissing him there, pinning him against the table; Jack didn’t resist for a second, opening his lips up to him, letting out a moan of pleasure when Sawyer’s hand went on the back of his head and he bit lightly on his lip; Sayid turned to Desmond perplexed.
“You knew he was going to...”
“We made a deal. I was gonna give him a chance to do that making Jack show off.”
Sayid nodded.
“It was just question of time anyways.”
They turned to the girls; apart from Kate who was black with rage, they all were giggling and jumping up and down and clapping their hands; a couple were also shouting do him to Sawyer, presumably.
“Well, I guess I am not going to give this a try,” said Sayid, though he was sort of smiling.
Desmond eyed him better and thought it was a pity that Sayid didn’t get his chance.
He was wearing some fine black pants, not his usual military ones, with a belt that showed from the bottom of the light grey shirt he had approved of the day before. The last two buttons and the two first were opened and they showed exactly the right portion of chest and skin.
Skin which was of that delightful golden dark color, which actually suited the grey of the shirt quite much. And also the rest. Sayid looked pretty fine today, indeed, with all of that black curls falling neatly just above his shoulders and well, yeah, Desmond had to say that shirt really suited him.
“Y’know, brother, ‘tis a pity that you can’t. You look fine.”
“Thank you. Well, I guess it is going to be for next time. It was an interesting seminar, anyways. Very useful, I dare saying.”
“Really? In that case, brother, I’m really glad I could be of help.”
“Thank you for hosting it. Though I sadly have to admit that you still are the one that wears this best,” he said, his voice dropping a notch.
Desmond didn’t move when Sayid’s fingers were around one button, slowly pushing it through its hole.
Next thing he knew he had Sayid’s hands on his back and Sayid’s lips covering his own and it was good and then there was tongue and then Desmond’s hands were in Sayid’s hair and it was soft and just so good to touch and bloody hell, that shirt Sayid was wearing sure was something remarkable and then when Sayid said Whose tent? he answered Mine, it’s closer.
Then they went to his tent, they laid down on the blanket Desmond slept on and they had sex which Desmond could only describe as bloody fantastic, during which they didn’t take their shirts off.
Meanwhile Jack and Sawyer were doing the same next tent, Sun and Jin and Charlie and Claire likewise. Rose and Bernard did likewise, too, and so Juliet decided that after all that showing up she couldn’t possibly betray anyone there. She thought that Ben could get screwed and then since Kate was there and she was still in shock over Jack and Sawyer she helped her forget it because hey, Kate could also be hot when she didn’t talk and she didn’t try to smack her around and Kate was actually alright with it. Hurley rubbed his hands, took out a camera he had found in some abandoned luggage and started to hang casually around tents which weren’t well closed and so he had something fun to do, too, even more after he managed to enlisten Locke’s help to open the other flaps without making noise.
Thus Craphole Island’s very first open shirt seminar ended so and everyone was so satisfied with the outcome that they were sure going to ask Desmond to hold another. And if he couldn’t, maybe Sawyer could hold one on how to be absolutely sexy while reading and wearing hideous glasses. That would’ve been good to improve the literates percentage on Craphole Island anyway.
End.
Title: Craphole Island’s Very First Open Shirt Seminar
Characters/Pairing: Desmond/Sayid, Jack/Sawyer, Sun/Jin, Charlie/Claire, Juliet/Kate and maybe someone else that I don't remember.
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: If Lost was mine, it'd be like this. Clearly it isn't.
Word count: around 4800
Spoilers: Up to One of Us. AU because in this one Locke went back to camp.
Summary: Desmond holds a seminar on the subject he's most proficient in.
A/N: You know the crack where you blatantly ignore every possible issue a character might have in a story? This is it. If you're searching for serious, it isn't here. The slashing hasn't got any justification whatsoever, it's there because yours truly decided it was appropriate ;) thanks to lasamy for betaing this. Using for philosophy_20 #9, orientation. Nominated at lost_fic_awards for best humorous fic, May 2008.
Look at him!
Oh my God!
That’s glorious!
Look at that shirt, how many buttons does it have left now?
I’d take a bet on that.
I’d hit that before taking a bet.
He’s engaged, you idiot!
How do you know it? And is she here?
No, she isn’t. But Claire told Charlie something, then he told Hurley who told Steve who told Tracy...
--
That is just ridiculous.
That’s right. It’s ridiculous.
Bloody ridiculous, alright.
Dude, don’t you think you might be all... you know, exaggerating? A bit?
Hugo, I think they are right. This is a serious business, though I guess it’s what he’s meant to do.
Those pants don’t make him look fat.
Dude, what’s got to do with all this?
The truth is that you are all freakin’ jealous. All of you.
Listen who is speaking. You surely do not have anything to worry about, in that department.
You’re all amateurs. Guess you ain’t still understood what’s his secret, right?
And what would it be, if you’ve got the grace to share it with us?
The way he keeps that shirt open, doctor Giggles. Look at it. Ain’t he a pro?
And how are you so bloody sure?
See, midget, my remedy is that I don’t wear it at all. Looks like it’s workin’, ain’t that? But he’s as good as me, I guess. It’s all in the shirt.
And what would you suggest, Ja-
I’m suggestin’ you ask him to teach you. I ain’t sure doin’ it.
-
It seemed such a perfect day.
Desmond was laying on the beach, his back against the sand. It wasn’t actually bothering; he had his shirt on and anyway it was so good to feel something which wasn’t artificial against his skin, grains of sand included.
He hadn’t had a flash for forty eight hours straight, Charlie was off for his picnic with Claire after four days of delaying, no one was paying attention to him (or so he thought), he had done his turn fishing before during the morning and now he was, in his humble opinion. taking the good rest he deserved.
It really felt good, laying there not thinking about anything serious, letting the sun warm his skin. He felt like a bloody lizard, but thing was (even if he wasn’t ever going to tell anyone, not that it would have been a particularly interesting thing to hear anyway), he had found out he was craving sunlight. And after three years of hatch and artificial neon, no one would have blamed him, right?
He kicked off his shoes without much hurry; the sand started burning under his feet, but it was absolutely alright. Oh, if everyday could be like this, he thought letting a satisfied smile form across his lips.
Not three minutes passed when a shadow towered over him, blocking the sunlight.
He opened his eyes and sat up, looking around.
Sayid, Jack, Charlie, Locke and Jin were standing in front of him. Hurley was there, too, but in the rear, looking kind of embarrassed; Sawyer was next to him, shirtless and seemingly amused. Desmond blinked slowly. Why did everyone look at him like he was something shown in a museum? His mind started to think in every possible wrong direction. What if he did something wrong? What if they were kicking him out? What if...
“Desmond? We need to speak to you.”, said Sayid, his tone calm and polite. Desmond could here a menacing edge to it, though.
“Well... sure brother. I’m here, yeah? Do you need something in particular? And Charlie, shouldn’t you be with Claire?”
Charlie sighed.
“Sayid, you tell him.”
“Alright. Desmond, we all need to speak to you, but for obvious reasons of time and organization, we figured it would have been in the best interest of everyone to let only one talk. And it would be me.”
“Well, fine. What’s the problem?”
“Turn around and watch behind your shoulders.”
Desmond wasn’t much convinced, but he did and as soon as he was watching the camp, he saw a bunch of girls, women, females, whatever, giggling and slightly going back towards the kitchen. He could recognize there Claire, Sun, Juliet (who didn’t actually looked particularly amused), Kate (who was amused indeed) and pretty much everyone he could remember the name of and some he didn’t. He looked straight at one and she started to blush; he sort of tried to smile and then she was gushing and giggling even harder and then he was scared and turned back to Sayid.
“What’s that?”
“They fancy you. All of them,” muttered Charlie, scowling.
“What? Me, brother? That’s nonsense!”
“How do you explain it otherwise?” asked Jack. “No one is looking at us anymore! Kate has stopped bouncing between me and Sawyer, Juliet actually doesn’t speak with me...”
“Claire said she couldn’t go on the picnic for something...”
Jin muttered something in Korean that was probably referring to Sun, but no one understood it even if they all got the drill of it.
“Basically, Desmond, every girl in this camp is head over heels over you,” said Locke.
“And what should I do ‘bout it? Listen, I really wouldn’t.. I mean, I’m not interested in any of ‘em, I already...”
“We do know you are already otherwise occupied, Desmond, but that does not change the heart of the matter.”
“Would you... would you want me to go, yeah? That was what you were asking?” he asked, not being able to contain some delusion in his tone.
“No, no, absolutely not,” said Jack, eying Sayid quite badly. Maybe he was a better diplomat, but that tone of his surely suggested otherwise, in this case.
“Because, you know, Sawyer thinks he knows why.”
“Why they fancy you, dude,” said Hurley.
“And why would they fancy me?”, asked Desmond.
“’Cause of the way you wear that shirt of yours, Braveheart.”
This is way too kafkian for my tastes, thought Desmond, quite unable to grasp the concept. Because of the way he wore his shirt? He actually never even thought about it and...
“So, what we wanted, Desmond, is for you to teach us.”
“Teach you how to wear a shirt, brother? But... I don’t... I mean, I wouldn’t even know where to start from and...”
“That is your problem, Desmond. Tomorrow we are all coming to your shelter.”
“Isn’t that a bit... small?”
“He’s right. Let’s do it in the kitchen.”, said Jack.
“Fine. We’ll go to the kitchen after breakfast and you should better figure it out before then.”
Desmond swallowed and couldn’t hold the stare of Sayid’s eyes, black and deep and serious and burning into his. He nodded once.
“Aye. Sure. Guess I can try, yeah? I’ll se all of you tomorrow then.”
“Perfect. See you tomorrow, Desmond.”
They all left, apart from Sawyer and Hurley. Desmond sat up on the beach, bringing a hand to his head.
Bloody hell, now that was a new thing. How in the world was he supposed to teach how to wear a shirt when the only thing he had done was to put it on?
Oh, that was fucked up. Quite fucked up.
Though now he wanted to know one thing.
“Sawyer!” he called, standing up, trying to ignore the giggles from behind. God forbid, they were probably checking him out.
“Yeah?”
“You aren’t going with ‘em, yeah?”
“Does it look like I need to know how to charm a woman?”
“I’ve got to give you that. Listen, I can try this thing but... I’ll probably be needin’ some help, yeah? I mean, I don’t even have shirts to have them tryin’.”
Sawyer chuckled at that, a sort of devilish grin forming on his lips.
“I can provide ya with those, Mr Haggis. That ain’t a problem.”
“Good. And I was just thinkin’... I’ll probably need a model.”
“And so?”
“Could you do that? I really wouldn’t want, y’know...”
“Sure. You’re teachin’, right? Well, well, well... I actually could since I guess I could be havin’ lots of fun, but only if you promise you’ll try to do somethin’ for me.”
“Let’s hear it.”
Sawyer came closer and told him, keeping his voice low; Desmond thought about it for a second and then nodded.
“Aye, I can try that. I’ll see you tonight in your tent in order to set the whole thing up?”
“Fine with me.”
He went and Hurley was about to do the same when Desmond called him back.
“Dude?”
“Hurley, I need you there, too.”
“For what?”
“For the rest.”
--
The next day, everything was settled up. Behind the kitchen table, they had put a suitcase full of different shirts that Desmond and Sawyer had chosen the day before from Sawyer’s own stash and from the abandoned luggage; on the table, they had provided some bottles of water and some Dharma bars. Hurley stood in the corner of the kitchen, totally not convinced, while Sawyer was next to him and look thoroughly amused.
Desmond stood behind the table, taking small bites from a Dharma chocolate bar, breathing steadily and hoping to have sorted the good way to get through with that madness; exactly on time, he saw a storm of men coming towards the table. He had a better look at them.
Sayid, Jack, Locke, Charlie, Jin; and that was absolutely fine. But he hadn’t counted in also Bernard, Steve, that bloke who always blathered about owning a frozen yogurt factory, the guy who always complained about the rash and someone else he didn’t know. Oh well, that wasn’t going to be fun anyway.
They all sat down in front of the table without saying anything; he actually wanted to laugh when he saw that Sayid had a little notebook with a pencil in his hand but decided that it was better not to. He stepped forward and went to the side of the table.
“So, is there everyone here, aye?”
There was a general positive answer.
“Good. Well, I guess this is gonna be the first lesson of.. Hurley, how was that?”
“Craphole Island’s very first open shirt seminar, dude.”
“Aye, right. Sure. So, well, you’ll have all guessed that I’m not bein’ alone with it. Hurley’s helpin’ me along and Sawyer is too. But ‘fore we start, there’s a thing we need to make sure.”
He turned towards the giggles, which had started when everyone had gathered, even if most of the eyes were pointed on him and the rest on Sawyer. He eyed the girl that was checking him out the day before and motioned for her to come to the shelter.
She made a shocked face and pointed at herself mouthing me? , he nodded and motioned for her again. She left the group, her legs seemingly trembling. She arrived at the shelter and stood on the left, looking kind of nervous, her gaze shifting between Desmond, Sawyer and the ground. She was in her mid-twenties, had long-ish brown hair arriving on her shoulder, wore a pair of casual jeans and couldn’t help blushing.
“Do you need me for something?” she asked, her voice low.
“Aye, quite. What’s your name?”
“S... Samantha, why?”
“Well, we need you for.. making a couple things clear, yeah? So, I actually noticed yesterday that you were... havin’ a look at me, let’s say?”
She blushed further...
“Well, really...”
“Don’t worry, no one’s going to bite you. I don’t mind actually, but see, all the people here actually want to learn how I seemingly do it. So, since we’ve got to make things clear, just answer a couple questions, yeah?”
“Sure, I guess so..”
“Lovely. So, on behalf also of your friends over yonder, what’s exactly that makes you all so desperate to check me out?”
“Well, you’re... can I be blunt?”
“Aye, sure.”
“You’re... hot. Very hot.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think the people here lack in that department, sister. More specifically?”
“It’s... well, the way you wear that shirt. It just... you know, it shows but doesn’t show, suggests but doesn’t suggest, and it suits you so well. Really. Of course you’re hot even when you wear something else but...”
“That’s fine. Thanks sister, you’ve been really helpful. You can go back if you wish. Oh, want a Dharma bar?” he asked, offering her one. She nodded, blushed again, snagged it and went back to her group seemingly fainting.
Desmond shook his head and turned his attention back to the group.
“So, as you’ve seen, seems like I’ve got to teach you how to wear a shirt. Which actually means that...”
He gave a quick look over the group, then nodded.
“Jack, Sayid, Charlie, Locke, all of your shirts aren’t good in the first place.”
“Why?” was the simultaneous response.
“Charlie, Sayid. You’re wearin’ tank tops. You aren’t ever going to get anywhere with a tank top. While you two, your shirts don’t have buttons. If your shirt doesn’t have buttons, it’s useless. You need one with buttons. Don’t matter whether is short sleeved or long sleeved. So please, tomorrow make sure to find yourself better suited clothing, yeah?”
Sayid took a couple of notes and the others nodded. Desmond tried to stop himself from creeping out and cleared his voice.
“That said, I can see you others all have good clothing. That’s fine. I can say we can proceed with step one, which would be... well, choose your shirt carefully. ‘Cause y’see, is no good if you choose a bad shirt, yeah? Hurley, please, hand him the first one. Sawyer, put it on.”
Hurley handed Sawyer a shirt which was, well, nothing short of hideous. It was a flannel of a light cream color with red and green vertical stripes; Sawyer put it on and Desmond called the girl back again, since the group hadn’t been moving.
“Samantha, do you think he’s hot, too?”
“Well, sure he is! I mean..”
“Right. Right now, that shirt is doin’ somethin’ to help his chances? I mean, you’d go out with him or with me, if you could choose?”
“Based on that? With you. No question,” she answered sincerely.
“Fine. Hurley, hand him the other one.”
Sawyer took his shirt graciously off and Hurley took it, handing him another one: this one was a bright red, though not too hard on the eyes. Sawyer put it on as graciously as he had took the other one off and then the girl looked at him and positively looked close to fainting.
“Now, Samantha?”
“Uhm, I’d ask for a double date?”
“Thanks sister, you’ve been extremely helpful.”
She left again and Desmond turned back to his class. Since it was a class, right?
“So, as you’ve seen, you need to choose something that suits you. ‘Cause if you don’t, won’t work even if you’re all, well, hot. Got that, yeah?”
Sayid took another couple of notes and all the others nodded again, attention full on Desmond; but he was starting to feel kind of drained by the whole business and he knew they couldn’t play class all day.
“So, for our first day, I think it can be enough, yeah? Tomorrow... I’d like each one of you to come with a couple of shirts so that we can go on. ‘Cause y’know, when half of you haven’t the proper clothing it’s a bit difficult, yeah?”
Thankfully everyone agreed with it and the class stood up and left, everyone seemingly satisfied. Desmond brought a hand to his head.
“Did I really do this?”
“Seems like you did, dude.”
“And don’t forget what you promised me.”
“No, I won’t. You’ll get what you want soon, don’t you worry.”
--
The next day, Locke wasn’t there anymore. When Desmond learned that he thought shirts with sleeves weren’t practical for boar hunting he shrugged and decided it was his loss.
Everyone had actually done his homework, he thought with a small tingle of pride; each of them had brought a couple of buttoned shirts. He decided he really fancied one of Sayid’s, a grey one, maybe slightly larger than it should have been on him, with tiny darker grey vertical stripes, of a very light cloth. He nodded in approval and then went again next to Sawyer.
“So, good mornin’ everyone. Saw you all did a great job with choosin’.”
“Are you giving marks?” asked Charlie from the back row.
“What?”
“Well, you should give marks. Why not?”
“Marks... oh well. Everyone’s got something in contrary?”
No one did and so Desmond proceeded to inspect all the shirt closely. He gave Bernard a seven, his were all plain and of a single color but quite stylish, a seven and a half to Charlie since they were sort of psychedelic but while it was original it didn’t really strike his taste, another couple of sevens to Steve and the other two he didn’t know. Then he gave an eight to Jin, who had brought a bright red shirt very similar to his own except for the color and a light violet one of the same model, another eight to Jack who had brought a creamy short sleeved one and a pink one which didn’t really convince Desmond but it was probably going to suit Jack. Then he had to give Sayid a ten because apart from that grey shirt he really was fancying a lot, he had chosen another black one of a very soft cloth which was surely going to look great and Charlie seemed quite disappointed of the results but well, he requested the bloody marks in the first sodding place.
“So, today I’ll be tryin’ to teach you how to wear that. ‘Cause y’know, that’s an art. Or so it seems. Anyway, please Hurley, give him the one we chose yesterday.”
Hurley nodded and handed Sawyer a light shirt of a dirty, clear green; Desmond nodded and Sawyer took it and put it on, buttoning it up.
“So, as you see, he’s chosen a good color for him and looks mighty fine, aye? But see, you have to.. how did the girl say yesterday, yeah, show and not show at the same time. Which means, always leave a couple of buttons opened. Maybe also three, yeah? Sawyer, please, unbutton the first two and the last one.”
Sawyer smiled a bit, nodded and did so. Everyone couldn’t reflect enough time on why actually he was being so cool with it without even a remark except that as soon as he did it, they heard moans of gleeing and squeeing from the whole lot of women on the beach who were seemingly using also binoculars.
“See?” said Desmond, eyeing his own shirt. He only had another more button opened, but he guessed it was more or less the same thing.
“Then, it isn’t over. Apart from the unbuttoning, it’s a good thing also to, y’know, not have the sleeves too long if they’re long. Sawyer, please, can you fold them up to your elbow?”
Sawyer did and another wave of feminine moans started to rise from the back of the beach.
“See?”
He dared glancing at Sayid’s notebook. He was actually sketching the way Sawyer was wearing the shirt, with notes and arrows pointing to other notes, all very neat. That was remarkable, he thought. He was going to give him some bonus points, then he stopped because he realized he was actually taking this seriously. Oh bloody...
“Anyway, for tomorrow I want you to practice this and then we’ll see the results, aye? Oh, and I was forgettin’... keep your pants low on your hips, all of you. ‘Tis a very helpful tip, let me say.”
Everyone nodded and left as happened the day before. He turned to Sawyer and nodded.
“Tomorrow. Thanks for puttin’ up with this, brother.”
“Oh, that ain’t a problem. Y’know, it was actually fun. They’re so serious ‘bout this, I wanna laugh my ass off.”
Desmond could say he agreed.
--
The next day, Desmond explained that if they really learned something, it was time to show it up. So they gathered all the girls at the camp and settled for having each of them showing off with his brand new half-buttoned shirt alone to see if it worked. If it didn’t, Desmond added, it wasn’t his goddamn bloody fault.
Rose managed to convince Bernard to renounce before it started and they didn’t left their tent for the rest of the day; Desmond actually had thought that Bernard had done a pretty fine job with his shirt all things considered. Rose probably knew what she would show off to others. That was a bonnie fine wife, he thought.
The two guys he still couldn’t remember the name off went first and there wasn’t much result; they left with a sigh.
As soon as Mr Frozen Yogurt showed up, all the girls made a disgusted expression and he flew, cursing Desmond and all the pretty people that stole the women. Desmond shrugged. It wasn’t his fault if he had chosen the worst bright pink shirt on the face of that island, for what concerned him.
Then it was Steve’s turn and that Tracy girl actually kind of jumped on him and then they disappeared in her tent. Good for them, Desmond thought.
Jin went after, his bright red shirt hanging a bit loosely on his chest, the sleeves carefully folded up, a button opened on the upper side and two in the lower side, his pants actually really low; Desmond was pleased at such a great result.
Then the girls actually started squeeing, but as soon as Desmond heard I’d hit that, the poor girl who said it received a kind of strong slap from Sun, who went straight to where Jin was staying and took him on his wrist leading him to their tent; Jin managed to wink at Desmond before she closed the flap and Desmond smiled at that.
Seemingly, his ways worked.
Charlie hadn’t actually done the best job ever, since he only had opened the fist button of his dark grey shirt; but as soon as he walked there, Desmond realized that he had actually had a shave, cleaned up a bit and looght mighty fine, indeed.
Well, he looked more than mighty fine, since the swooning began again, more on Jin’s levels; two seconds after, Claire stepped out of the group, blushing like he never saw her blush and blathering something about having never really appreciated him properly and Aaron was sleeping and maybe they could, well, and then they were just gone, Charlie almost rushing and smiling a very wide smile. Desmond felt relieved at that. A good thing, at least. He just hoped the flashes would leave him alone for another while, especially because they were probably going to be up to some business he didn’t want to mess with.
He then turned to Jack and Sayid, who were waiting for their turn; then spoke.
“You two, I’d advise to be careful. You’re actually the only ones who weren’t really involved before, so they could be... well, y’get it, right?”
“Do not worry about that.”
“Des!” he heard from behind.
“Charlie? Aren’t you...”
“Yeah, I just wanted to know whether you were going to give us certificates.”
“Well, guess I could... we’ll see, right?”
“Bloody great.”
Then he disappeared again and Desmond shrugged.
“Well, if he really needs one I guess I can give him one. But anyway, let’s see what you’re up to. Jack, you first?”
“Fine,” he said stepping out. Desmond had a better look at him. The shirt was actually quite buttoned, not what he had really hoped, but it seemed to have an effect since all the girls were squeeing quite loudly and making playing doctor jokes. Then he saw Sawyer in the back of the crowd and nodded at him; Sawyer made his way through the girls, passed Kate who was actually making kind of dreamy eyes and Juliet who was definitely checking every inch of Jack out, then went closer to the doctor.
“Doc, y’know what?”
“What?” Jack asked, suddenly blushing.
“I’m thinkin’ you need some repetitions. You ain’t even left one button open. That’s quite a shame and means you ain’t learned your lesson.”
“Repetitions..? And with whom, if you have the grace of...”
“Well, I’d be glad to serve. I’ve got to repay you for a couple of times you saved my sorry ass, right?”
“Sawyer, really, there’s...”
Jack was cut by Sawyer opening the first two buttons of his shirt and kissing him there, pinning him against the table; Jack didn’t resist for a second, opening his lips up to him, letting out a moan of pleasure when Sawyer’s hand went on the back of his head and he bit lightly on his lip; Sayid turned to Desmond perplexed.
“You knew he was going to...”
“We made a deal. I was gonna give him a chance to do that making Jack show off.”
Sayid nodded.
“It was just question of time anyways.”
They turned to the girls; apart from Kate who was black with rage, they all were giggling and jumping up and down and clapping their hands; a couple were also shouting do him to Sawyer, presumably.
“Well, I guess I am not going to give this a try,” said Sayid, though he was sort of smiling.
Desmond eyed him better and thought it was a pity that Sayid didn’t get his chance.
He was wearing some fine black pants, not his usual military ones, with a belt that showed from the bottom of the light grey shirt he had approved of the day before. The last two buttons and the two first were opened and they showed exactly the right portion of chest and skin.
Skin which was of that delightful golden dark color, which actually suited the grey of the shirt quite much. And also the rest. Sayid looked pretty fine today, indeed, with all of that black curls falling neatly just above his shoulders and well, yeah, Desmond had to say that shirt really suited him.
“Y’know, brother, ‘tis a pity that you can’t. You look fine.”
“Thank you. Well, I guess it is going to be for next time. It was an interesting seminar, anyways. Very useful, I dare saying.”
“Really? In that case, brother, I’m really glad I could be of help.”
“Thank you for hosting it. Though I sadly have to admit that you still are the one that wears this best,” he said, his voice dropping a notch.
Desmond didn’t move when Sayid’s fingers were around one button, slowly pushing it through its hole.
Next thing he knew he had Sayid’s hands on his back and Sayid’s lips covering his own and it was good and then there was tongue and then Desmond’s hands were in Sayid’s hair and it was soft and just so good to touch and bloody hell, that shirt Sayid was wearing sure was something remarkable and then when Sayid said Whose tent? he answered Mine, it’s closer.
Then they went to his tent, they laid down on the blanket Desmond slept on and they had sex which Desmond could only describe as bloody fantastic, during which they didn’t take their shirts off.
Meanwhile Jack and Sawyer were doing the same next tent, Sun and Jin and Charlie and Claire likewise. Rose and Bernard did likewise, too, and so Juliet decided that after all that showing up she couldn’t possibly betray anyone there. She thought that Ben could get screwed and then since Kate was there and she was still in shock over Jack and Sawyer she helped her forget it because hey, Kate could also be hot when she didn’t talk and she didn’t try to smack her around and Kate was actually alright with it. Hurley rubbed his hands, took out a camera he had found in some abandoned luggage and started to hang casually around tents which weren’t well closed and so he had something fun to do, too, even more after he managed to enlisten Locke’s help to open the other flaps without making noise.
Thus Craphole Island’s very first open shirt seminar ended so and everyone was so satisfied with the outcome that they were sure going to ask Desmond to hold another. And if he couldn’t, maybe Sawyer could hold one on how to be absolutely sexy while reading and wearing hideous glasses. That would’ve been good to improve the literates percentage on Craphole Island anyway.
End.