SGA fic: Misperception
In which Rodney gets things wrong. A lot. McKay/Sheppard, mild slashiness. Thank you to torakowalski for sentence wrangling.
Misperception
“So,” Sheppard said hesitantly afterwards, when the Tallarians have given them privacy to clean up and get themselves together, “you’d done that before?”
Rodney glared half-heartedly, most of his concentration on trying not to think about what had just happened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It just… didn’t seem like it was new for you,” Sheppard shrugged, and avoided Rodney’s eyes, “I mean, nobody’s that good first time around the block, right?”
Rodney froze, looking at Sheppard’s averted face, caught between glee at knowing Sheppard thought he was good and sudden panic that this was going to ruin things between them. None of this had been his idea, but if Sheppard thought he’d taken advantage… well, it wouldn’t be pretty, Rodney was sure of that.
“And what, you’re worried you might have caught bisexual cooties?” he snapped. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Colonel, I may have been around a few blocks with guys before, but I can assure you none of what we just did was my idea of a good time so you can save your heterosexual freak-out. This didn’t mean anything other than our potential allies are perverts, as usual.”
“I’m not freaking out,” Sheppard denied, but he still wasn’t looking at Rodney.
“No, you’ve just discovered a new fascination with alien flooring and asking me personal questions. So, yes, I’ve had sex with men. I’m a bad, evil semi-gay person, and you should take your prejudiced self far away from my bad influence at once. But if you want me off the team, you’ll have to explain it to Elizabeth, so I suggest you get over it instead.”
“Jesus, Rodney,” Sheppard snapped as his head came up and he finally glared back at Rodney. “Of course I don’t want you off the team. I was just surprised all right? You’re always going on about blonde women, you never mentioned you liked guys as well.”
“Yes, because I’ve always thought that coming out to a member of an organisation with institutionalised homophobia would be such a good idea,” he returned, concealing relief that his place was safe, but figuring it was best to keep Sheppard on the defensive.
“And I thought we knew each other well enough by now for you to trust me,” Sheppard retorted. “Do you really think I’m that prejudiced?”
“No,” Rodney admitted, feeling slightly defensive himself now since Sheppard actually looked really annoyed. “I’ve just worked for the military so long and discretion tends to be easier. I’ve only ever come out to the guys I’m interested in, so you would certainly never have known.” Not because Rodney wasn’t interested, because he was and more than ever, but hopefully Sheppard would take it that way. Rodney had just always known it was better to have Sheppard’s friendship than chase the impossible, and Sheppard was definitely straight.
“Right,” Sheppard said after a moment, with a tight little smile. “Seems like everything is settled. Guess we should get back to Teyla and Ronon and finish the mission.”
“Wait,” Rodney said. “Aren’t you going to swear me to secrecy or anything? What about the mission reports?”
“It’s pretty obvious you just want to forget it. I’ll speak to Ronon and Teyla and we’ll fudge the report,” Sheppard tossed over his shoulder as he left the room.
Rodney trailed after him, trying to work out how the conversation had gone. Sheppard hadn’t punched him, accused Rodney of using him, kicked him off the team or acted like Rodney was suddenly repulsive, so that was all pluses. On the minus side, he still seemed uncomfortable and awkward, and oddly subdued at the end there, so the friendship might still be at risk. Rodney was just going to have to be more convincing that he wasn’t attracted to Sheppard, and hope that they could get back to normality.
And hope that Rodney’s desires and new memories didn’t derail his plan and give away how much he really did want Sheppard.
*
Annoyingly, after all that, it turned out that the Tallarians’ cache of Ancient relics weren’t anything Rodney didn’t have better examples of back on Atlantis anyway. So that had been a total waste of time and effort, not to mention the stupid ritual and its potential for exploding perfectly good friendships. All in all, not the best day Rodney had ever had, though since coming to Atlantis he’d had to redefine what constituted a bad day and any where he didn’t come close to death at least merited a “fair to middling” rating.
Sheppard had pulled Ronon and Teyla to the side while Rodney had been examining the temple relics. From the way they had glanced over to him, he deduced Sheppard was telling them to keep it zipped. Teyla had simply nodded and Ronon had shrugged agreement with an amused look. He still had that annoying little smile now that they were walking back to the ‘jumper, and he kept giving Rodney these sidelong looks.
“What?” Rodney finally asked, first making sure that Sheppard was out of earshot ahead on the trail. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“I thought we weren’t to talk about it.”
“We’re not, definitely not talking about it. In fact, it didn’t even happen, so there is nothing to talk about or mention ever again. And why is that funny?”
“It’s funny because I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so bothered,” Ronon replied. “I mean, you like guys like that, right?”
“What? How did… I don’t… never mind, I don’t want to know,” Rodney spluttered. “And I’m not bothered. It’s no big deal, no big deal at all. I just think everyone should forget about it because it is a bit embarrassing that’s all.”
“Uh huh,” Ronon said. “You’re going to forget, just like that.”
“Of course,” Rodney said. “And drop the sarcasm, I’m immune. I’m telling you, it didn’t mean anything and the whole incident is gone from my memory.”
“Seems to me you’re having to work pretty hard to make it not mean anything,” Ronon observed, with another irritating smirk and then they caught up to the others at the ‘jumper and Rodney couldn’t protest the way he wanted to with Sheppard standing right there.
Just peachy. Ronon didn’t believe him, and he hadn’t even been the one that Rodney had… got ritual with.
*
The journey back to Atlantis was a short one, thankfully. But that did mean giving the report to Elizabeth sooner than Rodney felt ready for. But Sheppard came through. No mention of it at all and Teyla skated round the issue smoothly as well, serenely innocent as always. Rodney was relieved to get past it so easily and onto his report on the disappointing devices and it was good that Sheppard hadn’t looked at him once since the briefing began because that saved Rodney from distraction and worrying about what his face was showing.
Though maybe it wasn't good if Sheppard had decided to be mad now. He couldn’t tell from Sheppard’s expression, but then he rarely could as Sheppard was the repressed type and never gave away that he was really pissed right up until the point where he exploded and blew someone’s head off. And Rodney liked his head where it was, thank you very much.
He shot out of the conference room as fast as he could, wanting to avoid a confrontation, but Sheppard was right behind him and caught his arm before Rodney could decide if running away was undignified or a valid response.
“Come on, I think we need to talk,” Sheppard said.
“I don’t think we do,” Rodney denied, pulling his arm away.
“Well, tough. I do, so we can either talk right here in the corridor or we can find somewhere a bit quieter.”
Rodney glared and Sheppard glared right back looking just as stubborn as Rodney had ever seen him and after a moment Rodney gave up. “Fine. Just make it quick, I have things that are actually important to get back to.”
Sheppard took a breath but closed his mouth firmly instead of replying and walked off, and a few minutes later they were in an empty storeroom.
“Okay, let’s get this over with. Talk, yell, rant and rave, get it out of your system,” Rodney said, crossing his arms and waiting.
“I don’t want to yell,” Sheppard said, leaning against the shelving. “Why do you keep assuming I’m angry or upset about what happened?”
“You’re the one bringing it up again, I’m perfectly happy to go on as if the whole mess never happened. This logically implies that you have a problem with events that I don’t,” Rodney replied in his most obnoxiously patient tone. “If neither of us is upset, then what do we have to talk about?”
“Uh, the fact that aliens made us commit a sexual act together?” Sheppard said sarcastically. “It’s not exactly a usual experience, is it?”
“No, but I don’t see the value in making a big song and dance about it,” Rodney shrugged. “Considering some of SG1’s reports, I’m actually a little surprised it hasn’t happened before.”
“Really?” asked Sheppard, eyes suddenly curious, “I think I missed those ones… whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that it was us. Don’t you think that it could change things? I mean between us, that things could be different…”
“What, that we won’t be able to be friends anymore?” Rodney interrupted. “It was just sex, sex that we didn’t even choose, and I don’t see why it should affect anything unless my being bi really is a problem for you.”
“I told you, it isn’t,” Sheppard muttered, looking unhappy. “I just… thought things might not be the same, that us having sex could be a big deal…”
Sheppard’s tone trailed off uncertainly at the end and he was looking at Rodney anxiously and Rodney braced himself and prayed that he had finally learned how to lie convincingly. “Look, it didn’t mean anything okay?” he said as reassuringly as he could manage. It seemed as though Sheppard was just as worried as Rodney that they might not stay friends after this, which was good but Rodney still had to get it right and make sure Sheppard believed Rodney hadn’t been affected by it. “I mean, it’s weirder for you with the whole ‘other man’ thing, I guess, but we’re still fine from my end.”
Sheppard looked all tight and tense still and Rodney frowned at him, suddenly worried for a different reason. “Oh no, it’s that and the whole being made to thing isn’t it? You’re feeling all violated and I’m the one who did it, shit. Look, none of it was my idea, remember? I didn’t want to, you have to believe that,” he gabbled.
“What? No, I believe that. You’ve made it perfectly clear,” Sheppard said.
“But you should go and see Heightmeyer,” Rodney said. “She can help you out. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this, no wonder you’re acting all weird.”
“I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” Sheppard protested.
“Yes you do, you’re obviously all traumatised and stuff, that’s why you never looked at me in the debriefing,” Rodney said. He reached out to squeeze Sheppard’s shoulder in a manly supportive way then realised he was the last person who should do that and backed off waving his hands calmingly.
“What are you…?” Sheppard started before rubbing his hand through his hair and squeezing his eyes shut. “Look,” he said firmly, opening his eyes again to look at Rodney, now over in the other corner of the room. “I am not traumatised by you touching me, and I don’t feel like I was violated. Okay?”
“Are you sure?” Rodney frowned.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Sheppard half-shouted.
“So what’s the big deal then?” Rodney asked, completely confused by now.
“Apparently nothing,” Sheppard sighed. “We’re good, forget it.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do all this time,” Rodney grumbled. “Can we never speak of this again, now?”
“Yeah, I think that’s probably best,” Sheppard agreed finally. He stared blankly at his boots for a moment and then left.
Rodney leaned back against the wall and blew out a breath. That had worked out okay. They were still friends, nothing was going to change and Sheppard had believed him. Everything was going to go back to normal.
*
Only it didn’t go back to normal of course. They put up a reasonable facsimile of their usual easy bickering and no-one seemed to notice anything different, but it was just a bit off, with a tension that hadn’t been there before and if Rodney hadn’t been able to talk for Canada on just about any topic there would probably have been some pretty awkward pauses.
He knew where it came from. He’d said that he would just forget what had happened but it was impossible. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Sheppard had looked, face relaxed for once in surprised pleasure; his feel, scent and taste. Reality instead of just Rodney’s imagination and it was such a turn on that he couldn’t help jerking off over the memory.
And then afterwards he felt hideously guilty and couldn’t meet Sheppard’s eyes, and that was a real problem since Sheppard had apparently decided to put him under constant surveillance. Sheppard kept looking at him; watching him work, eat, talk, breathe. It felt like he was just waiting for Rodney to slip up and give away how he really felt and that made it impossible to relax since Rodney was used to it being the other way around, with him getting the pleasure of watching Sheppard. His smile, the way he moved, the way his thigh holster wrapped around him and drew attention to his crotch… It was Rodney’s daily treat, storing up images like that, only he couldn’t now.
Rodney finally snapped after a day where every time he had turned around, it had been to find Sheppard’s eyes on him. Even in the lab, where you would think he would be safe, but no, Sheppard had even been turning up there lately. Okay, he’d used to come and drag Rodney off for food and movies, but he’d never seemed like he was there all the time before.
He beckoned Sheppard with one irate hand and marched off to a secluded balcony.
“Something up, Rodney?” Sheppard asked when he joined him.
“Yes, you could say that. Stop it, okay? Just stop.”
“Stop what?” Sheppard said, looking innocent.
“Oh, don’t give me that,” Rodney sneered. “This whole me-and-my-shadow act you’re pulling, and don’t even try to deny it,” he went on as Sheppard looked shifty and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re following me about and staring all the time, and what the hell do you think you are playing at anyway?”
“I, uh…” Sheppard said and Rodney interrupted, suddenly not wanting to know.
“I have done everything I can to convince you that what happened doesn’t matter. What do I have to do, sign something in blood? I want us to be friends, like before, but apparently you can’t get over it and manage that and you are driving me crazy. This is not how friends act.”
“I…no.” Sheppard said. He stopped, swallowed and looked away, out to sea. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean. I didn’t realise… friends is good. I can manage that. Sorry.”
“Okay,” Rodney said. “Just cut it out, and we’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, I’ll leave you alone, don’t worry,” Sheppard muttered, turning around so he could lean on the railing.
Rodney frowned at his back and shrugged. “Good. I’ll see you at dinner,” he added and went back to the lab.
*
Apparently when Sheppard said he’d leave Rodney alone he meant it entirely literally. The only time Rodney had seen him since the balcony confrontation had been in meetings, during which Sheppard had somehow managed not to look at him even while looking in his direction and talking to him. He hadn’t come to dinner that night, and Rodney hadn’t seen him in the mess since. The team also suddenly had a scheduled break of two weeks from any off-world missions. All right, they’d only planned one definitely with a few other potentials but Rodney still found their absence suspicious.
Sheppard certainly didn’t do things by halves, and though at first Rodney had been a little relieved to escape all that scrutiny, in a few days he’d passed the threshold for irritated and was rapidly approaching pissed off. How was avoiding Rodney like this acting like friends? This was more like ostracism and he knew he didn’t deserve that; there was surely no way that Sheppard could have caught on to Rodney’s unfortunate attraction from what he’d said.
Okay, maybe he’d seen something while he was watching Rodney, but that would have been before declaring that they could be friends still on the balcony, and that made him a dirty rotten liar. It wasn’t like Rodney could help it anyway, what with Sheppard being all hot and… Sheppardy all over the place all the time, and surely it was plain by now that Rodney had no intention of doing anything to make Sheppard uncomfortable with it. Avoiding Rodney was just unfair.
He spent a day trying to track Sheppard down to try again to pound the idea through his stubborn skull, but every time he tried to catch Sheppard sparring with Teyla, or meeting with Lorne, it turned out Sheppard had just left. He was seriously beginning to suspect Sheppard of getting Atlantis to help him hide.
Finally, Rodney just sat down round the corner from Sheppard’s room with a bunch of journals and an LSD and waited. He had to come back sometime.
Eventually a dot appeared at Sheppard’s door and started to enter and with impeccable timing, Rodney shot round the corner and waltzed in after him before the door could close.
“Hey!” Sheppard yelped.
“Oh shut up, if you hadn’t been avoiding me I wouldn’t have had to get sneaky. And what’s up with that anyway?”
“What?” Sheppard said warily.
“Avoiding me? Playing hide-and-seek like you’re in first grade, not looking at me when you can’t avoid being in the same room? Ring any bells?”
“I thought that was what you wanted. For me to leave you alone,” Sheppard snapped.
“Weren’t you listening at all? I said I wanted us to be friends like before that stupid ritual happened.”
“Well, I guess I can’t just forget it and move on quite as easily as you can,” Sheppard said, putting his hands on his hips.
Rodney groaned at him and shook his head. “Why not? What is your problem? I’ve told you over and over, it didn’t mean…”
“Jesus Christ, McKay!” Sheppard suddenly exploded, hands clenching into fists at his sides as he interrupted Rodney and Rodney took a cautious step back. “Would you give it a rest? I know it didn’t mean anything. Just because you are into guys doesn’t mean you are into me, I get it. I know I’m not a genius, but I can understand rejection and seriously, once was enough.”
“What?” Rodney gaped.
Sheppard went from tension to weary relaxation and he sighed once. “I promise I won’t try to seduce you if you stop rubbing in how uninterested in me you are every five minutes. Good enough? It’s not like I’d know how anyway,” he added with a short laugh.
All Rodney could do this time was blink.
“Now, please, please show some mercy and leave me alone,” Sheppard went on, sounding a little ragged. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to get back to just friends. I really am. Just let me be for a while, okay?”
Rodney found Sheppard was guiding him out of the door and before he quite had his wits back together, he was in the corridor once more and the door closed firmly behind him.
“Wait, what?” he said.
And then he spun around and tried to open the door again. Locked. So Rodney pounded on it. “Hey!” he yelled. “Let me back in!”
He waited a moment but there was no answer. Rodney thumped the door once more in frustration before touching his headset and speaking on their team frequency. “Sheppard, open the door.” Nothing. “Come on, you can hardly pretend you aren’t in there. I need to… look, I got it…” Damn it, he needed to be able to see Sheppard’s face for this. “Just let me in all right?” Still no answer and the door stayed stubbornly shut. “This is very childish you know,” Rodney snapped. He pulled a few tools out of his pocket and started to take off the door control panel.
He didn’t bother being quiet about what he was doing and after a few minutes a pissed-off voice came over his headset. “McKay, are you breaking into my room?”
“Yup,” he replied and carried on.
“For fuck’s sake, and you called me childish?”
The door suddenly opened and Rodney shot through before Sheppard could change his mind. Sheppard slapped the door shut behind him and glared ferociously.
“What part of leave me alone did you not understand?”
“The part where I’ve been lying through my teeth,” Rodney said defiantly, keeping his voice from quavering with an effort. If he’d really managed to make Sheppard angry this could still go horribly wrong.
Sheppard’s face screwed up in annoyed incomprehension. “What are you talking about?”
“I lied. Everything I said. I am interested. In you,” he clarified just in case. “Madly, stupidly, dizzyingly interested. I fancy the pants off you and I have for ages, okay?”
“So why didn’t you say something?” Sheppard snapped, still looking suspicious.
“Because I was scared. I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage with the Tallarians, which I really wasn’t because that isn’t how I’d have wanted… I thought you’d freak out if you knew I wanted you, so I tried really hard to make you think I didn’t. And it seemed you were freaked out, and okay not for the reason I thought, but how was I supposed to know? So then I tried harder because I didn’t want to lose you as a friend,” Rodney finished with a diffident shrug.
Sheppard looked at him steadily for a long moment, and Rodney stared back, trying to put everything in his face. Sheppard licked his lips and took a hesitant step forward. “If you’re lying about this, I’m going to kill you. In a really painful way.”
Rodney opened his mouth to promise the truth but changed his mind as he thought of a better way. He moved forward, slid a hand behind Sheppard’s neck and kissed him, as good and sweet as he could make it. Sheppard froze for a second but then kissed back, his hands coming up to cup Rodney’s shoulders and Rodney melted into it in relief. He broke it off after another minute and rocked his hips forward, grinning at Sheppard’s gasp as their erections slid together. “That convincing enough for you?” he asked, stifling his own gasp as Sheppard thrust against him in turn.
“Yeah,” Sheppard breathed, smiling into Rodney’s eyes. “You’re pretty persuasive, when you want to be.”
Rodney kissed his smile away and wrapped his arms around Sheppard, holding tightly. True enough, since he’d nearly persuaded himself out of this. But he had better things to do than worry about it now.
He’d tried so hard to make things go back to normal. He’d never even considered things might actually get better.
Better than better, Rodney thought muzzily as Sheppard grazed teeth behind his ear. Things were fantastic.
Misperception
“So,” Sheppard said hesitantly afterwards, when the Tallarians have given them privacy to clean up and get themselves together, “you’d done that before?”
Rodney glared half-heartedly, most of his concentration on trying not to think about what had just happened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It just… didn’t seem like it was new for you,” Sheppard shrugged, and avoided Rodney’s eyes, “I mean, nobody’s that good first time around the block, right?”
Rodney froze, looking at Sheppard’s averted face, caught between glee at knowing Sheppard thought he was good and sudden panic that this was going to ruin things between them. None of this had been his idea, but if Sheppard thought he’d taken advantage… well, it wouldn’t be pretty, Rodney was sure of that.
“And what, you’re worried you might have caught bisexual cooties?” he snapped. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Colonel, I may have been around a few blocks with guys before, but I can assure you none of what we just did was my idea of a good time so you can save your heterosexual freak-out. This didn’t mean anything other than our potential allies are perverts, as usual.”
“I’m not freaking out,” Sheppard denied, but he still wasn’t looking at Rodney.
“No, you’ve just discovered a new fascination with alien flooring and asking me personal questions. So, yes, I’ve had sex with men. I’m a bad, evil semi-gay person, and you should take your prejudiced self far away from my bad influence at once. But if you want me off the team, you’ll have to explain it to Elizabeth, so I suggest you get over it instead.”
“Jesus, Rodney,” Sheppard snapped as his head came up and he finally glared back at Rodney. “Of course I don’t want you off the team. I was just surprised all right? You’re always going on about blonde women, you never mentioned you liked guys as well.”
“Yes, because I’ve always thought that coming out to a member of an organisation with institutionalised homophobia would be such a good idea,” he returned, concealing relief that his place was safe, but figuring it was best to keep Sheppard on the defensive.
“And I thought we knew each other well enough by now for you to trust me,” Sheppard retorted. “Do you really think I’m that prejudiced?”
“No,” Rodney admitted, feeling slightly defensive himself now since Sheppard actually looked really annoyed. “I’ve just worked for the military so long and discretion tends to be easier. I’ve only ever come out to the guys I’m interested in, so you would certainly never have known.” Not because Rodney wasn’t interested, because he was and more than ever, but hopefully Sheppard would take it that way. Rodney had just always known it was better to have Sheppard’s friendship than chase the impossible, and Sheppard was definitely straight.
“Right,” Sheppard said after a moment, with a tight little smile. “Seems like everything is settled. Guess we should get back to Teyla and Ronon and finish the mission.”
“Wait,” Rodney said. “Aren’t you going to swear me to secrecy or anything? What about the mission reports?”
“It’s pretty obvious you just want to forget it. I’ll speak to Ronon and Teyla and we’ll fudge the report,” Sheppard tossed over his shoulder as he left the room.
Rodney trailed after him, trying to work out how the conversation had gone. Sheppard hadn’t punched him, accused Rodney of using him, kicked him off the team or acted like Rodney was suddenly repulsive, so that was all pluses. On the minus side, he still seemed uncomfortable and awkward, and oddly subdued at the end there, so the friendship might still be at risk. Rodney was just going to have to be more convincing that he wasn’t attracted to Sheppard, and hope that they could get back to normality.
And hope that Rodney’s desires and new memories didn’t derail his plan and give away how much he really did want Sheppard.
*
Annoyingly, after all that, it turned out that the Tallarians’ cache of Ancient relics weren’t anything Rodney didn’t have better examples of back on Atlantis anyway. So that had been a total waste of time and effort, not to mention the stupid ritual and its potential for exploding perfectly good friendships. All in all, not the best day Rodney had ever had, though since coming to Atlantis he’d had to redefine what constituted a bad day and any where he didn’t come close to death at least merited a “fair to middling” rating.
Sheppard had pulled Ronon and Teyla to the side while Rodney had been examining the temple relics. From the way they had glanced over to him, he deduced Sheppard was telling them to keep it zipped. Teyla had simply nodded and Ronon had shrugged agreement with an amused look. He still had that annoying little smile now that they were walking back to the ‘jumper, and he kept giving Rodney these sidelong looks.
“What?” Rodney finally asked, first making sure that Sheppard was out of earshot ahead on the trail. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“I thought we weren’t to talk about it.”
“We’re not, definitely not talking about it. In fact, it didn’t even happen, so there is nothing to talk about or mention ever again. And why is that funny?”
“It’s funny because I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so bothered,” Ronon replied. “I mean, you like guys like that, right?”
“What? How did… I don’t… never mind, I don’t want to know,” Rodney spluttered. “And I’m not bothered. It’s no big deal, no big deal at all. I just think everyone should forget about it because it is a bit embarrassing that’s all.”
“Uh huh,” Ronon said. “You’re going to forget, just like that.”
“Of course,” Rodney said. “And drop the sarcasm, I’m immune. I’m telling you, it didn’t mean anything and the whole incident is gone from my memory.”
“Seems to me you’re having to work pretty hard to make it not mean anything,” Ronon observed, with another irritating smirk and then they caught up to the others at the ‘jumper and Rodney couldn’t protest the way he wanted to with Sheppard standing right there.
Just peachy. Ronon didn’t believe him, and he hadn’t even been the one that Rodney had… got ritual with.
*
The journey back to Atlantis was a short one, thankfully. But that did mean giving the report to Elizabeth sooner than Rodney felt ready for. But Sheppard came through. No mention of it at all and Teyla skated round the issue smoothly as well, serenely innocent as always. Rodney was relieved to get past it so easily and onto his report on the disappointing devices and it was good that Sheppard hadn’t looked at him once since the briefing began because that saved Rodney from distraction and worrying about what his face was showing.
Though maybe it wasn't good if Sheppard had decided to be mad now. He couldn’t tell from Sheppard’s expression, but then he rarely could as Sheppard was the repressed type and never gave away that he was really pissed right up until the point where he exploded and blew someone’s head off. And Rodney liked his head where it was, thank you very much.
He shot out of the conference room as fast as he could, wanting to avoid a confrontation, but Sheppard was right behind him and caught his arm before Rodney could decide if running away was undignified or a valid response.
“Come on, I think we need to talk,” Sheppard said.
“I don’t think we do,” Rodney denied, pulling his arm away.
“Well, tough. I do, so we can either talk right here in the corridor or we can find somewhere a bit quieter.”
Rodney glared and Sheppard glared right back looking just as stubborn as Rodney had ever seen him and after a moment Rodney gave up. “Fine. Just make it quick, I have things that are actually important to get back to.”
Sheppard took a breath but closed his mouth firmly instead of replying and walked off, and a few minutes later they were in an empty storeroom.
“Okay, let’s get this over with. Talk, yell, rant and rave, get it out of your system,” Rodney said, crossing his arms and waiting.
“I don’t want to yell,” Sheppard said, leaning against the shelving. “Why do you keep assuming I’m angry or upset about what happened?”
“You’re the one bringing it up again, I’m perfectly happy to go on as if the whole mess never happened. This logically implies that you have a problem with events that I don’t,” Rodney replied in his most obnoxiously patient tone. “If neither of us is upset, then what do we have to talk about?”
“Uh, the fact that aliens made us commit a sexual act together?” Sheppard said sarcastically. “It’s not exactly a usual experience, is it?”
“No, but I don’t see the value in making a big song and dance about it,” Rodney shrugged. “Considering some of SG1’s reports, I’m actually a little surprised it hasn’t happened before.”
“Really?” asked Sheppard, eyes suddenly curious, “I think I missed those ones… whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that it was us. Don’t you think that it could change things? I mean between us, that things could be different…”
“What, that we won’t be able to be friends anymore?” Rodney interrupted. “It was just sex, sex that we didn’t even choose, and I don’t see why it should affect anything unless my being bi really is a problem for you.”
“I told you, it isn’t,” Sheppard muttered, looking unhappy. “I just… thought things might not be the same, that us having sex could be a big deal…”
Sheppard’s tone trailed off uncertainly at the end and he was looking at Rodney anxiously and Rodney braced himself and prayed that he had finally learned how to lie convincingly. “Look, it didn’t mean anything okay?” he said as reassuringly as he could manage. It seemed as though Sheppard was just as worried as Rodney that they might not stay friends after this, which was good but Rodney still had to get it right and make sure Sheppard believed Rodney hadn’t been affected by it. “I mean, it’s weirder for you with the whole ‘other man’ thing, I guess, but we’re still fine from my end.”
Sheppard looked all tight and tense still and Rodney frowned at him, suddenly worried for a different reason. “Oh no, it’s that and the whole being made to thing isn’t it? You’re feeling all violated and I’m the one who did it, shit. Look, none of it was my idea, remember? I didn’t want to, you have to believe that,” he gabbled.
“What? No, I believe that. You’ve made it perfectly clear,” Sheppard said.
“But you should go and see Heightmeyer,” Rodney said. “She can help you out. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this, no wonder you’re acting all weird.”
“I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” Sheppard protested.
“Yes you do, you’re obviously all traumatised and stuff, that’s why you never looked at me in the debriefing,” Rodney said. He reached out to squeeze Sheppard’s shoulder in a manly supportive way then realised he was the last person who should do that and backed off waving his hands calmingly.
“What are you…?” Sheppard started before rubbing his hand through his hair and squeezing his eyes shut. “Look,” he said firmly, opening his eyes again to look at Rodney, now over in the other corner of the room. “I am not traumatised by you touching me, and I don’t feel like I was violated. Okay?”
“Are you sure?” Rodney frowned.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Sheppard half-shouted.
“So what’s the big deal then?” Rodney asked, completely confused by now.
“Apparently nothing,” Sheppard sighed. “We’re good, forget it.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to do all this time,” Rodney grumbled. “Can we never speak of this again, now?”
“Yeah, I think that’s probably best,” Sheppard agreed finally. He stared blankly at his boots for a moment and then left.
Rodney leaned back against the wall and blew out a breath. That had worked out okay. They were still friends, nothing was going to change and Sheppard had believed him. Everything was going to go back to normal.
*
Only it didn’t go back to normal of course. They put up a reasonable facsimile of their usual easy bickering and no-one seemed to notice anything different, but it was just a bit off, with a tension that hadn’t been there before and if Rodney hadn’t been able to talk for Canada on just about any topic there would probably have been some pretty awkward pauses.
He knew where it came from. He’d said that he would just forget what had happened but it was impossible. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Sheppard had looked, face relaxed for once in surprised pleasure; his feel, scent and taste. Reality instead of just Rodney’s imagination and it was such a turn on that he couldn’t help jerking off over the memory.
And then afterwards he felt hideously guilty and couldn’t meet Sheppard’s eyes, and that was a real problem since Sheppard had apparently decided to put him under constant surveillance. Sheppard kept looking at him; watching him work, eat, talk, breathe. It felt like he was just waiting for Rodney to slip up and give away how he really felt and that made it impossible to relax since Rodney was used to it being the other way around, with him getting the pleasure of watching Sheppard. His smile, the way he moved, the way his thigh holster wrapped around him and drew attention to his crotch… It was Rodney’s daily treat, storing up images like that, only he couldn’t now.
Rodney finally snapped after a day where every time he had turned around, it had been to find Sheppard’s eyes on him. Even in the lab, where you would think he would be safe, but no, Sheppard had even been turning up there lately. Okay, he’d used to come and drag Rodney off for food and movies, but he’d never seemed like he was there all the time before.
He beckoned Sheppard with one irate hand and marched off to a secluded balcony.
“Something up, Rodney?” Sheppard asked when he joined him.
“Yes, you could say that. Stop it, okay? Just stop.”
“Stop what?” Sheppard said, looking innocent.
“Oh, don’t give me that,” Rodney sneered. “This whole me-and-my-shadow act you’re pulling, and don’t even try to deny it,” he went on as Sheppard looked shifty and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re following me about and staring all the time, and what the hell do you think you are playing at anyway?”
“I, uh…” Sheppard said and Rodney interrupted, suddenly not wanting to know.
“I have done everything I can to convince you that what happened doesn’t matter. What do I have to do, sign something in blood? I want us to be friends, like before, but apparently you can’t get over it and manage that and you are driving me crazy. This is not how friends act.”
“I…no.” Sheppard said. He stopped, swallowed and looked away, out to sea. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean. I didn’t realise… friends is good. I can manage that. Sorry.”
“Okay,” Rodney said. “Just cut it out, and we’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, I’ll leave you alone, don’t worry,” Sheppard muttered, turning around so he could lean on the railing.
Rodney frowned at his back and shrugged. “Good. I’ll see you at dinner,” he added and went back to the lab.
*
Apparently when Sheppard said he’d leave Rodney alone he meant it entirely literally. The only time Rodney had seen him since the balcony confrontation had been in meetings, during which Sheppard had somehow managed not to look at him even while looking in his direction and talking to him. He hadn’t come to dinner that night, and Rodney hadn’t seen him in the mess since. The team also suddenly had a scheduled break of two weeks from any off-world missions. All right, they’d only planned one definitely with a few other potentials but Rodney still found their absence suspicious.
Sheppard certainly didn’t do things by halves, and though at first Rodney had been a little relieved to escape all that scrutiny, in a few days he’d passed the threshold for irritated and was rapidly approaching pissed off. How was avoiding Rodney like this acting like friends? This was more like ostracism and he knew he didn’t deserve that; there was surely no way that Sheppard could have caught on to Rodney’s unfortunate attraction from what he’d said.
Okay, maybe he’d seen something while he was watching Rodney, but that would have been before declaring that they could be friends still on the balcony, and that made him a dirty rotten liar. It wasn’t like Rodney could help it anyway, what with Sheppard being all hot and… Sheppardy all over the place all the time, and surely it was plain by now that Rodney had no intention of doing anything to make Sheppard uncomfortable with it. Avoiding Rodney was just unfair.
He spent a day trying to track Sheppard down to try again to pound the idea through his stubborn skull, but every time he tried to catch Sheppard sparring with Teyla, or meeting with Lorne, it turned out Sheppard had just left. He was seriously beginning to suspect Sheppard of getting Atlantis to help him hide.
Finally, Rodney just sat down round the corner from Sheppard’s room with a bunch of journals and an LSD and waited. He had to come back sometime.
Eventually a dot appeared at Sheppard’s door and started to enter and with impeccable timing, Rodney shot round the corner and waltzed in after him before the door could close.
“Hey!” Sheppard yelped.
“Oh shut up, if you hadn’t been avoiding me I wouldn’t have had to get sneaky. And what’s up with that anyway?”
“What?” Sheppard said warily.
“Avoiding me? Playing hide-and-seek like you’re in first grade, not looking at me when you can’t avoid being in the same room? Ring any bells?”
“I thought that was what you wanted. For me to leave you alone,” Sheppard snapped.
“Weren’t you listening at all? I said I wanted us to be friends like before that stupid ritual happened.”
“Well, I guess I can’t just forget it and move on quite as easily as you can,” Sheppard said, putting his hands on his hips.
Rodney groaned at him and shook his head. “Why not? What is your problem? I’ve told you over and over, it didn’t mean…”
“Jesus Christ, McKay!” Sheppard suddenly exploded, hands clenching into fists at his sides as he interrupted Rodney and Rodney took a cautious step back. “Would you give it a rest? I know it didn’t mean anything. Just because you are into guys doesn’t mean you are into me, I get it. I know I’m not a genius, but I can understand rejection and seriously, once was enough.”
“What?” Rodney gaped.
Sheppard went from tension to weary relaxation and he sighed once. “I promise I won’t try to seduce you if you stop rubbing in how uninterested in me you are every five minutes. Good enough? It’s not like I’d know how anyway,” he added with a short laugh.
All Rodney could do this time was blink.
“Now, please, please show some mercy and leave me alone,” Sheppard went on, sounding a little ragged. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to get back to just friends. I really am. Just let me be for a while, okay?”
Rodney found Sheppard was guiding him out of the door and before he quite had his wits back together, he was in the corridor once more and the door closed firmly behind him.
“Wait, what?” he said.
And then he spun around and tried to open the door again. Locked. So Rodney pounded on it. “Hey!” he yelled. “Let me back in!”
He waited a moment but there was no answer. Rodney thumped the door once more in frustration before touching his headset and speaking on their team frequency. “Sheppard, open the door.” Nothing. “Come on, you can hardly pretend you aren’t in there. I need to… look, I got it…” Damn it, he needed to be able to see Sheppard’s face for this. “Just let me in all right?” Still no answer and the door stayed stubbornly shut. “This is very childish you know,” Rodney snapped. He pulled a few tools out of his pocket and started to take off the door control panel.
He didn’t bother being quiet about what he was doing and after a few minutes a pissed-off voice came over his headset. “McKay, are you breaking into my room?”
“Yup,” he replied and carried on.
“For fuck’s sake, and you called me childish?”
The door suddenly opened and Rodney shot through before Sheppard could change his mind. Sheppard slapped the door shut behind him and glared ferociously.
“What part of leave me alone did you not understand?”
“The part where I’ve been lying through my teeth,” Rodney said defiantly, keeping his voice from quavering with an effort. If he’d really managed to make Sheppard angry this could still go horribly wrong.
Sheppard’s face screwed up in annoyed incomprehension. “What are you talking about?”
“I lied. Everything I said. I am interested. In you,” he clarified just in case. “Madly, stupidly, dizzyingly interested. I fancy the pants off you and I have for ages, okay?”
“So why didn’t you say something?” Sheppard snapped, still looking suspicious.
“Because I was scared. I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage with the Tallarians, which I really wasn’t because that isn’t how I’d have wanted… I thought you’d freak out if you knew I wanted you, so I tried really hard to make you think I didn’t. And it seemed you were freaked out, and okay not for the reason I thought, but how was I supposed to know? So then I tried harder because I didn’t want to lose you as a friend,” Rodney finished with a diffident shrug.
Sheppard looked at him steadily for a long moment, and Rodney stared back, trying to put everything in his face. Sheppard licked his lips and took a hesitant step forward. “If you’re lying about this, I’m going to kill you. In a really painful way.”
Rodney opened his mouth to promise the truth but changed his mind as he thought of a better way. He moved forward, slid a hand behind Sheppard’s neck and kissed him, as good and sweet as he could make it. Sheppard froze for a second but then kissed back, his hands coming up to cup Rodney’s shoulders and Rodney melted into it in relief. He broke it off after another minute and rocked his hips forward, grinning at Sheppard’s gasp as their erections slid together. “That convincing enough for you?” he asked, stifling his own gasp as Sheppard thrust against him in turn.
“Yeah,” Sheppard breathed, smiling into Rodney’s eyes. “You’re pretty persuasive, when you want to be.”
Rodney kissed his smile away and wrapped his arms around Sheppard, holding tightly. True enough, since he’d nearly persuaded himself out of this. But he had better things to do than worry about it now.
He’d tried so hard to make things go back to normal. He’d never even considered things might actually get better.
Better than better, Rodney thought muzzily as Sheppard grazed teeth behind his ear. Things were fantastic.