Read it out loud. It's meant to be.

[jaolianas]

My thanks to Sarah (and Dee) for the conversations on everyone being screwed up somehow, because they, indirectly, caused this.

Damaged Goodsquiet, shy, she

Comments

[persephone_blue]

The strongest lines of the poem are in the first stanza: "she let her hands/sink deep in pockets,/pulled her sleeves/still further down." The image does a wonderful job of showing alienation. You throw give a nice rythm to the words, too.

I'm not wild about the last line. I want to see the damaged girl heal with time and love, but "there's no doubt" makes the ending feel falsely optomistic. It's definitely at odds with the gentle tone of the rest of the stanza: "in their frightened reaching out -/there was halving/of the hurting [...]"

Otherwise, I'm a bit baffled by what actually happened to the girl. Alone, this poem is just a description of a person bubbling with pain. Is there any chance you could stick in a line that hints carefully toward the source of her anguish?

[jaolianas]

the last stanza is as-yet unfinished and I don't like the last line either.

but this poem is about two girls. i thought that was clear in the last stanza, with the "them"...?

[persephone_blue]

Oh. I missed that.

*re-reads*

Right, I see it now, but it was a little confusing.

[letterpin]

I like the last stanza because the rhythm works all the way through.

TaliaFalcon
AIM
9:29 PM
*smiles* hee.
9:29 PM
how about content?

Angela Webber
AIM
9:30 PM
it's good, it's better than any wrist-slitting poems we got in bw
9:30 PM
that's for sure
9:30 PM
good words.

TaliaFalcon
AIM
9:30 PM
oh, that's saying quite a bit.
9:30 PM
*grin*

Angela Webber
AIM
9:30 PM
I just... the last stanza is so good. I wish that the first two had the same rhythm as it.
9:31 PM
I really like the words, though. and it's a really good take on what is sometimes kind of a cliche topic

TaliaFalcon
AIM
9:31 PM
the rhythm did come out perfect, in that last one.