(Untitled)

[jaolianas]

Yup. Here you go. Many of your suggestions for responses were used, entirely or in part. Thanks! Someone needs to teach me how to use cuts in Rich text...

Petgirl

“Just what do you expect me to do, David?” Her voice was a quiet, dangerous variant of a yell that should have frightened the man she was speaking to out of his wits. The fury in her gray

Comments

[kerasia]

your writing is freaking amazing... daaaamn, grace. Daaaamn!

[im_weird_people]

I helped.

[raven_wings_]

Oooooooh, lovely.
I have a character called Annie (picked up from work) who might fit your story if you want to talk.

[jaolianas]

Really? Do you know where I could stick her in?

And yes of COURSE I want to talk, you dork! I just keep being a terrible person about calling.

[superfinemind]

Cuts in rich text: convert it back to plain text (go to edit post, or do it when you first go to the update screen-- paste it into "rich text" and then click the "plain text" tab) and the formatting will carry, then add the cut wherever you like.

I'm pretty sure rich text has a cut utility, though.

Okay, now to actually read it.

[superfinemind]

a series that got more entertaining depending on the reader’s increasing level of desperation for the printed word
This is unclear. Say it differently?
"on lend" is still wrong.

“Of course,” she muttered to herself, and grabbed a pad of paper. “It’s insane, but if I word it right, it just might work…”

“You are, of course, mad.”

You need a space break or a more obvious divider here.

“Look, I know you that you’re dead-set against rodents, but what about a degu? They’re quiet, they’re diurnal, and their tales even have hair on them. We could - ”
Tails.
Also, my mother wants a degu. There were some at winter forum last year.

She chewed on her lower lip, thinking, until the blond girl reached over to lay her fingers over Sophie’s mouth. “No more of that,” she said, very gently. “They’re much too pretty for you to put holes in them.”I love this line, although it is a little odd since you go from the narrator talking about Sophie's mouth to Nicole talking about Sophie's lips, which means a number change the reader has to sort out. I

[superfinemind]

A girl with wild blond hair was et c et cPretend I don't sound totally perverted, but you need to say a little more about her, particularly the scars. Is she wearing a shirt? Is it a t-shirt, or is it a buckled leather contraption, or something else? How about the scars-- decorative, or incidental? Do they spell words? Are they keloid-- humped up-- as if they had been given post-treatment so's to make them stand out more, or clean, or ill-healed? Cuts or burns? Does she have bruises? A little more attention to this passage, and drop the bit later about "she did show evidence of rough handling," because your reader shouldn't need this pointed out-- they should be able to figure it out from the initial description, such that they become increasingly worried for Marika as they realize that this girl is a likely template