Comments | jaolianas: Story for you. Done!

jaolianas

Story for you. Done!

Feb 25, 2008 19:00

look at her, huh, snuggling up

to Clara, trying to pretend

nothing ever happened. who’s

she trying to fool? listen -

did you hear? Margot snuck a

girl into her dorm room last

night; her roommate says

it wasn’t her girlfriend…

I knew this to be true, at least in part; the cold had gotten worse, and everybody looked furtive as they ( Read more... )

short story, completed, story, stories, critique?, avalanche, class, fictional writing

Comments 6

raven_wings_ February 26 2008, 04:22:17 UTC

Not enough time right now...If I haven't posted by Thursday, remind me (read: yell at me :D)

_beryl_ February 26 2008, 18:02:28 UTC

i don't feel like this is up to your usual. it almost feels like you were trying to hard to make a point?

jaolianas February 26 2008, 20:19:48 UTC

No? Maybe it's because the ending kept changing on me, and I was rushed trying to finish it. I wasn't really trying to make a point - I actually felt really uncomfortable about this story while I was writing it, because I do NOT like the narrator at all. I'm also uneasy about the fact that this was my piece for class... so my entire Advanced Fictional Writing class will be getting their hands on it tomorrow morning.

Suggestions for how I can polish it up?

nathair_cailg February 26 2008, 19:00:56 UTC

Oops, guess I should have finished looking before I commented on the 3/4 one. I like the 3/4 part, I like the library scene, the part in between does seem a bit hurried. VERY realistic though, the gossip, the whispers, the laughter, the pointing fingers, ... it made me remember what it felt like to be on the receiving end.

jaolianas February 26 2008, 20:20:15 UTC

It's hurried because I wrote the last 3 pages in an hour... thanks, though!

raven_wings_ February 29 2008, 23:11:29 UTC

Hey love!
Okay - I read it.
And....If you stopped using the word 'avalanche' *in* the story, it would feel less like you were trying for the title to have a meaning.
Aside from that, I love your descriptions of weather and the sounds people make when they rumor or argue, BUT - I feel you could have taken a little more time to describe the two lovers. Less in-sentence comparing, a little more space to themselves, y'know?

And I think this piece can be longer - a lot longer. Pacing might be the only major issue, here. I felt a little rushed to a conclusion. I'd like to see the lovers interacting normally before (or in spite of) the rumor mess. I want points of reference for character.

But I like it a lot, that said.