Comments | japanxchina: [ MY LOVE IS ONLY SHEATHED / fanfiction / T / darkfic, death, angst ]

hikarikame in japanxchina

[ MY LOVE IS ONLY SHEATHED / fanfiction / T / darkfic, death, angst ]

Jan 12, 2010 20:21

I wrote a dark fic for these two a while ago, I hope you enjoy it!

Please comment or review and tell me what you think!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5471704/1/My_Love_is_Only_Sheathed

Sequel is up!

recommendation/s

Comments 46

MOD!Post dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 04:31:13 UTC

*stern and strict!voice*

The rules of the community dictate:
"4 - All fanwork!posts by members must be in this format (for the title), if only for the sake of easy access and the like: [ TITLE / type / RATING / warning ]
example: [ THE DISCREPANCY OF THE HUMAN MIND / fanfiction / R / psychological fun ]
note: the rating can be in any format, so long as google has it~ ^^\"

Please change your title to fit the rules appropriately--you'll be given three days.

Re: MOD!Post hikarikame January 13 2010, 05:05:41 UTC

I hope its fine now. Sorry, new member here, and I didn't quite read the rules like I should have. I rushed the entry. I'll remember for the next time.

Re: MOD!Post dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:07:56 UTC

Er... I'm so sorry for being whiney, but the title should be like this:

[ MY LOVE IS ONLY SHEATHED / fanfiction / T / darkfic, death, angst ]

Just copy/paste the entire line above. ^^;;
Sorry, sorry, sorry for being so picky about the format, but it's made for easy organization and (future) searches.

Re: MOD!Post xotsukiyume January 13 2010, 06:01:49 UTC

THANK YOU FOR CHANGING THE TITLE!

(I'm the mod that those rules, btw. ^^)

Thread 7

AN ACTUAL REVIEW!!! dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:12:16 UTC

Oh God, sorry for only totally failing at life and being so picky about the formatting of your post and whatnot.

Starting off, I'm only reviewing for the first chapter here. I'll... uh... review for the second chapter later (longer one definitely needed for that one). Um. Well, I like to start off with the positive things (tell me how you like your reviews: medium, well-done, or totally raw, I try to please, really! ;_;) first, so here goes:

I really liked how you characterized Japan and China for this chapter, because they were appropriately scheming/distrusting and yet still having some degree of love/lust between the two of them. It makes for a more realistic read on the whole, so kudos on that!

Re: AN ACTUAL REVIEW!!! dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:17:58 UTC

Then there's the whole thing about the plot device: the Hello Kitty ring. It was really adorable at first, and then I realized Japan's schemes behind the ring and that was just pure genius, because really-- although China does draw a couple lines from the ring to Japan, he doesn't quite make the connection, which is really good for Japan's plot on China and the whole of your story.

Finally, there were a couple amazing one-liners that just stood out and off by themselves, making them really highlight your story. The one I'd like to go into detail on is the last sentence. It's short and brief, yet obviously from Japan's POV, and therein lies the beauty of its simplicity. Your choice of words is marvelous for that one sentence, foreshadowing a dark future and the word 'my' really stands out, what with Japan's beliefs of 'possessing' China.

So yeah, those are my compliments. Er, serious!critique in the next comment? ^^;;

Re: AN ACTUAL REVIEW!!! dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:25:47 UTC

This chapter, on a whole, was pretty good, however, there were two main parts of it that really took me away from your story (and just irked me that little bit ( ... )

Re: AN ACTUAL REVIEW!!! dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:29:22 UTC

I hope you don't mind the critique, and please don't feel disheartened or anything. If you've got a High School Diploma and English is your first language though, be worried, be very worried. However, I'm willing to bet that one of those things isn't the case, in which case, there is a LOT of room and opportunity for improvement! Just write more, post more, and someday, you'll just magically be wonderful--seriously.

And if you would like a more critical review (with more sarcasm and scathing remarks than you would think possible), exotification will be more than willing to do that! ^^;

Thread 20

Relevancy, much? xotsukiyume January 13 2010, 05:32:28 UTC

No idea if this was intended or not, but I laughed at the "YA!!!!" of Japan. It was just so out-of-character and hilarious. Hello Kitty seemed odd for the setting and place, particularly since China likes Shinatty-chan more than Kitty-chan, but whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

And then the last line totally sobered me up, which is pretty impressive, seeing as how I was ROFLMAO-ing badly.

Thumbs up and hats off for the open-ended ending though, I really enjoy those more than closed endings.

Re: Relevancy, much? dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:35:42 UTC

Er--I think the second chapter pretty much closed the ending... right?

Re: Relevancy, much? xotsukiyume January 13 2010, 05:36:32 UTC

Oh?
I don't know--I didn't notice a second chapter.

Re: Relevancy, much? dreamsofdest1ny January 13 2010, 05:38:21 UTC

It's... there...

Thread 14

miyako_tsuki January 14 2010, 03:21:59 UTC

I really enjoyed reading the first chapter of your story, but I know that I didn't give it a proper review, (criticisms and whatnot) so for this chapter I'll definitely do that for you, dear.

I like to start with what needs improving/what you may consider revising/ my personal feelings:

"Korea, I don't letting China picking on Japan, so why the hell you thinking I let you off?" Taiwan shrieked. <-- Re-read it; fix it.

Hong Kong had stood up sometime during China's musings and had started yelling too. This may just be me, but Hong Kong seems like the kind of guy to just sit and watch Taiwan and Korea argue - maybe even leave. It's really not such a big deal. You can leave it in there if you want.

He picked up a tofu square carefully, balancing it on the chopstick tips. 'This is too salty too,' he thought. His stomach turned hideously. A lump formed in his throat. Something runny seemed to be leaking out of his nose. Was it swine flu? ROTFLMAO I'm still debating whether that line is a plus or minus. Were you intentionally trying to ( ... )

hikarikame January 14 2010, 03:40:49 UTC

Taiwan is Chinese, alright? She has broken English too. Really nicely done broken English. Stole that grammar off my grandma and my little brother, who still speaks mainly Chinese.

Funny moments is funny. Glad I made you laugh.

You didn't get the whole point behind the randomness, actually. Probably because I wasn't very good at it, but I tried. Basically Japan being pissed about Hello Kitty isn't because he's actually pissed about hello kitty, but because he's angry about what China said but he doesn't want to accept that China makes him feel that way.

And my HK likes Taiwan, and his jealousy is making him do slightly out-of-character things. And sex should never be a huge part of a story. The plot should drive the story, not sex.

And uke japan doesn't really fit Black Kiku to me, so that's why I killed off that notion for this story.

I have one last little piece to add to this story, so it'll be up soon.

miyako_tsuki January 14 2010, 03:53:59 UTC

Alright. I noticed in your author's note at the end of your story you only mentioned China. You might want to throw Taiwan in there too just in case.

I see what you're getting at. Yeah, maybe you could change that scene around a bit so that your point gets a across more clearly.

Like I said, what you do about the HK thing is up to you. I was just being picky.

It still wouldn't hurt to add some smexing in there KOFFKOFF Though in a way it could have added to the angst....I'm just being a pervert. Don't listen to me.

Yep, I'm aware of that. I actually like the way you portrayed Black!Kiku.

Ooh, more? Can't wait to see. :3

hikarikame January 14 2010, 04:01:35 UTC

Slight piece of ending that occurs after China's funeral. I'll post it in a little bit.

Thread 5