is it wierd to know i'm shaking while i write this? i bet you didn't know you still make me cry.
I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back.
If you need to reach me here’s my aim, e-mail, and cell.
+shizzarah
+smae4489@yahoo.com
+508.951.3378
Lately I just feel so small. I just never realized it until now. I’ve had this little part of my head that’s been killing me. I’ve been thinking and dwelling on things too much. Things that can’t come out and need to so this is the last thing I will say on this journal.
For a year, whether you knew it or not, every little thing I did and every second of spare time I had was always directed to one goal. Being with you. That may sound ridiculous and I am a silly little ridiculous girl. I am the generic girl who falls in love with someone so much and wants to be with them and see them all the time and I am completely oblivious to guys being dicks. That’s how I was with you. I really did like you the whole time you were with Lindsey. And I shouldn’t have been so quick to jump into things with you because that fucking feeling of just being someone to fall back on killed me every time I thought of you. I don’t think you even noticed it though. At the same time, the only time everything was better was when I was with you. I loved all of the cute quirky things that you did like hiding your light sabers in your closet the first time I came over because you didn’t want me to know. I could talk to you and you wouldn’t shut me up and make me feel stupid for saying things. I could complain to you and it was ok because you would complain back to me. I loved that you were shy about certain things with me and the fact that we could have tickle fights. I went along seeing you once a month basically for a year and things started to change. I changed and started to grow up, and you changed too. I’m not the same girl I was a year ago I wanted more out of you and out of everything. I wanted to see you more and to be able to talk to you everyday. And after a couple months it started building up. I hated that I turned into being one of those girlfriends who can’t handle seeing other girls around you and leaving you stupid comments. I hated sitting around asking you to call and you’d forget, but I wouldn’t call and yell at you for it because I hoped you would call me. I hated seeing you walk by me in a room because you didn’t notice I was there. I hated that I almost had to force you to say I love you and you would never say it unless I brought it up. I hated feeling completely engulfed in a situation that wasn’t fixing and was just going down. I hated that I couldn’t talk to you anymore and we’d have lulls in our conversations until one of us hung up. I had made up my mind that we needed to end it because sometimes good things just go bad because you try and hang on to them too long. Everything from that point on was my fault. They were my problems that I couldn’t tell you about because I wanted to pretend so badly that they weren’t there and they finally ended up exploding. I was so afraid because I didn’t want us to end up like you and Lindsey did. I wanted us to be so much better off than that. I wanted to not hate each other and talk so much shit. But I did it, and it’s done. Everything’s over and I shouldn’t have expected you to just come around and want to be my friend. I should’ve known that you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore, and it just sucks. It sucks because I knew what was going to happen and I tried so hard to prevent it but it happened anyway. It sucks because I was always the one who felt this way and obviously you didn’t. You don’t understand how hard it is to try and get yourself up to talk to someone and then have them basically tell you fuck that. I’m sorry I hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt you. And I’m apologizing to someone who will read this and nothing will change. I am apologizing when I really shouldn’t be but I would apologize a million times to be able to have an actual conversation with you. I will give you your space, and I won’t bother you again if that’s what you want. I know that’s what you want so I’m sorry for breaking my promise and telling you I’d leave you alone. But I had to say this it needed to come out. And this is the last thing I will ever say about it.
If you need to reach me here’s my aim, e-mail, and cell.
+shizzarah
+smae4489@yahoo.com
+508.951.3378
Lately I just feel so small. I just never realized it until now. I’ve had this little part of my head that’s been killing me. I’ve been thinking and dwelling on things too much. Things that can’t come out and need to so this is the last thing I will say on this journal.
For a year, whether you knew it or not, every little thing I did and every second of spare time I had was always directed to one goal. Being with you. That may sound ridiculous and I am a silly little ridiculous girl. I am the generic girl who falls in love with someone so much and wants to be with them and see them all the time and I am completely oblivious to guys being dicks. That’s how I was with you. I really did like you the whole time you were with Lindsey. And I shouldn’t have been so quick to jump into things with you because that fucking feeling of just being someone to fall back on killed me every time I thought of you. I don’t think you even noticed it though. At the same time, the only time everything was better was when I was with you. I loved all of the cute quirky things that you did like hiding your light sabers in your closet the first time I came over because you didn’t want me to know. I could talk to you and you wouldn’t shut me up and make me feel stupid for saying things. I could complain to you and it was ok because you would complain back to me. I loved that you were shy about certain things with me and the fact that we could have tickle fights. I went along seeing you once a month basically for a year and things started to change. I changed and started to grow up, and you changed too. I’m not the same girl I was a year ago I wanted more out of you and out of everything. I wanted to see you more and to be able to talk to you everyday. And after a couple months it started building up. I hated that I turned into being one of those girlfriends who can’t handle seeing other girls around you and leaving you stupid comments. I hated sitting around asking you to call and you’d forget, but I wouldn’t call and yell at you for it because I hoped you would call me. I hated seeing you walk by me in a room because you didn’t notice I was there. I hated that I almost had to force you to say I love you and you would never say it unless I brought it up. I hated feeling completely engulfed in a situation that wasn’t fixing and was just going down. I hated that I couldn’t talk to you anymore and we’d have lulls in our conversations until one of us hung up. I had made up my mind that we needed to end it because sometimes good things just go bad because you try and hang on to them too long. Everything from that point on was my fault. They were my problems that I couldn’t tell you about because I wanted to pretend so badly that they weren’t there and they finally ended up exploding. I was so afraid because I didn’t want us to end up like you and Lindsey did. I wanted us to be so much better off than that. I wanted to not hate each other and talk so much shit. But I did it, and it’s done. Everything’s over and I shouldn’t have expected you to just come around and want to be my friend. I should’ve known that you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore, and it just sucks. It sucks because I knew what was going to happen and I tried so hard to prevent it but it happened anyway. It sucks because I was always the one who felt this way and obviously you didn’t. You don’t understand how hard it is to try and get yourself up to talk to someone and then have them basically tell you fuck that. I’m sorry I hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt you. And I’m apologizing to someone who will read this and nothing will change. I am apologizing when I really shouldn’t be but I would apologize a million times to be able to have an actual conversation with you. I will give you your space, and I won’t bother you again if that’s what you want. I know that’s what you want so I’m sorry for breaking my promise and telling you I’d leave you alone. But I had to say this it needed to come out. And this is the last thing I will ever say about it.