Turn, Smile, Shift, Repeat
So... I've decided to restart this once again. It seems like every year around this time I try to restart this thing, and every year around April, once the sun comes out, I forget about it. Every time I restart, I make new promises about sticking with it, but honestly, I'm probably just going to let it float around in cyberspace as soon as I can go outside without a jacket on.
It's weird... I honestly thought that being in Toronto would be a lot like being in New York. I forgot that it took me 18 years to get to know New York as well as I do now. I don't know why I thought I would suddenly be comfortable in Toronto, just like that, without getting to know it at all. I tried harder to explore when the weather was nice, but honestly, now that it rains all the time and it's freezing, I feel less like walking around and more like watching Sex and the City reruns and wishing I was back in NY.
Today, I found out that they reconstruct a New York City street on King to film movies about NY, and I almost jumped out of my chair and ran there to see it. But I didn't. I have to attribute half of it to my being lazy and the fact that it is pouring out, but I honestly don't think that's all of it. I'm kind of scared that I'll show up there, hoping for some remnant of home, and just be more homesick because it will be all wrong, kind of like dreams where you're somewhere you know really well, but something is off. Something's just not right. So I'm still sitting in my room, listening to Phantom Planet and Steve and Chris, trying really hard not to think about the fact that I would give up an arm and a leg just to be at the Strand stand or the Paris theater.
I said too, though, that I attributed a lot of my unwillingness to walk to King to the fact that I'm lazy. And it's true. I've gotten lazier and lazier, and work is the least of my worries. So I'm not doing homework... Debby will attest to the fact that I didn't do much work at Andover either, and I'm fine. I'm more worried about the fact that I'm getting kind of lazy about my life. Not really working towards any specific goal besides graduation, which makes me worry that when I do graduate, I'll just move back home until I get married, like every other woman in my family. That's always been the one thing I didn't want, and I've done a good job until now. I was the first to go to boarding school, the first to go to a non-American university. I've been pushing boundaries for so long, so I can't figure out why I've suddenly gotten so lazy about it. The worst part is the fact that I'm in the best place possible to be working towards my dream. Craigslist has about 100 listings of companies looking for a PA or go-fer, and I'm just sitting back and sleeping ten hours a night. The question is why?
It's weird... I honestly thought that being in Toronto would be a lot like being in New York. I forgot that it took me 18 years to get to know New York as well as I do now. I don't know why I thought I would suddenly be comfortable in Toronto, just like that, without getting to know it at all. I tried harder to explore when the weather was nice, but honestly, now that it rains all the time and it's freezing, I feel less like walking around and more like watching Sex and the City reruns and wishing I was back in NY.
Today, I found out that they reconstruct a New York City street on King to film movies about NY, and I almost jumped out of my chair and ran there to see it. But I didn't. I have to attribute half of it to my being lazy and the fact that it is pouring out, but I honestly don't think that's all of it. I'm kind of scared that I'll show up there, hoping for some remnant of home, and just be more homesick because it will be all wrong, kind of like dreams where you're somewhere you know really well, but something is off. Something's just not right. So I'm still sitting in my room, listening to Phantom Planet and Steve and Chris, trying really hard not to think about the fact that I would give up an arm and a leg just to be at the Strand stand or the Paris theater.
I said too, though, that I attributed a lot of my unwillingness to walk to King to the fact that I'm lazy. And it's true. I've gotten lazier and lazier, and work is the least of my worries. So I'm not doing homework... Debby will attest to the fact that I didn't do much work at Andover either, and I'm fine. I'm more worried about the fact that I'm getting kind of lazy about my life. Not really working towards any specific goal besides graduation, which makes me worry that when I do graduate, I'll just move back home until I get married, like every other woman in my family. That's always been the one thing I didn't want, and I've done a good job until now. I was the first to go to boarding school, the first to go to a non-American university. I've been pushing boundaries for so long, so I can't figure out why I've suddenly gotten so lazy about it. The worst part is the fact that I'm in the best place possible to be working towards my dream. Craigslist has about 100 listings of companies looking for a PA or go-fer, and I'm just sitting back and sleeping ten hours a night. The question is why?