Paths Delayed Two Days
I have come to realize some things tonight. I have come to realize why my life seems to bore and depress me so much, and why my grandmother and I can not seem to get along or even do any thing together. The first is still only partially figured out and what I have is this, the primary reason for our fights is summed up in the first two lines of the song in Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, this song is sung by Pippin as he is in the service of the Stewart of Gondor.
“Home is behind the world ahead, And we have many paths to tread”
Her path was started many years ago in the times where people lived by different codes and standards, many of which are not considered popular today. My path is trying to take its own course and she refuses to let it. Every time I try to take my path she intervenes and forces mine to walk hers. I am still trying to obtain my own path but it is getting harder to get along with her, I just can’t handle it any more. I understand that she is only trying to protect me, but protection should only go so far, before things go very bad. This is the latest chapter in our, struggle.
We were going to Home Depot and she asked if I had bought my lotto ticket and I told her that I had bought three then corrected myself to say that I had bought a fourth for Jonnie. I asked her and she said she had three quick picks and then asked me if I did quick picks or not. I told her that I had done two quick picks and one that I pulled together; she asked which ones I had chosen. I told her that I had chosen 1, and 11 my birth date, as well as 16, 18, 19, Michael, Michelle, and my own ages, as well as 21 for the power ball, the only age I have left to look forward to. She asked why I looked forward to it, well after she realized that I was looking forward to legally drinking she started in that it was a bad choice that was nothing but a destructive thing. We then went in to the Home Depot and it was not really forgotten but set aside, after this we headed to Discover Mills and the Colonial 18 theaters to see a movie. On the way up there I started talking about how I was looking forward to Denise getting a home of her own because she said that she would soon start holding her parties again. The Parties, in all honesty, are one of the things that I miss and missing them is the other part of the epiphany that I had. Any way, this brought another lecture about, the “wrong” type of life. Before saying that they would be drug parties and, that I couldn’t resist if I were near it, she started by saying that I can just forget about that sort of thing and I told her that I would go any way. Thus ended round two, the rest of the trip was pretty much bouncing between that and the other issue as well as pointing every thing that she saw as a “low-life” way of living. Which I am getting very tired of hearing that kind of stuff in all honesty. I mean it didn’t stop me from smoking the occasional cigarette, won’t stop me from drinking a little either before or after November 1, 2005.
The time at the mall was spent deciding which movie to go see, here in lies one of the areas where our path cross. I am getting more interested in a good action flick, and horror flick where there is plenty of blood shed, I tend to like movies that rely heavier on profanity. The way things were taught when she was a child and she still believes, is that profanity is not acceptable but is today’s rapidly changing world it is becoming more and more accepted, though not acceptable. The other pare of my epiphany is why my life seams to bore and depress me more and more each day that I come across.
I have come to realize that as I sit here in this house where I am sheltered and … imprisoned, I look out the window and realized that while I am looking at the scenery of a large yard and the houses that are in the subdivision bordering our back yard, that my friends are living their own lives. They are not living in a house that is at this moment (2/21/2004 1:24:16 AM) is locked down and armed as if it were a prison. I realized that as I am sitting in my living room watching TV because I have nothing else to do, they are doing what they want. Even now I realize that they are living lives that are much freer and in their control then mine is. I have sat on my stair well and thought about this kind of thing before but this time it hit me as I was speaking with one of my friends last night. She is living her life the way that she wants, a wonderful boyfriend and doing what ever she wants. This is another reason that my life is depressing me, most of my friends have girlfriends or boyfriends that they can toy with. I on the other hand am quite alone and thoroughly pissed off about it. These thoughts about my friends’ lives only cut deeper when my friends look at me and tell me my house is a mansion and that I am rich. Yea right, that is a load of bull shit, every thing that I get from my grandmother comes at a price including the little freedom I have, the price is that I have to put up with her giving me a guilt trip every time I go against her.
The hardest part of it is that I am caught between her and my dad. Although I really shouldn’t be I am, and she says it is my fault. I guess I am destined to leave her, but it will be the hardest thing that I have ever done I mean I love her and respect her with all I am but I can no stand her control much longer. I hope that this journal will help me hold on, but after nights like this one I doubt I can last very long at all.