{Story} Affair
The world of the internet is a fascinating one, and my affair with it started earlier than most. In my early teen years, I stumbled upon a site introducing teens to sex. It was mostly girl-oriented, so there wasn’t much I was interested in -- There was a forum, but I recall I posted only once, maybe twice. I didn’t like to ask questions of complete strangers - I’m not masochistic enough to risk it.
When it comes to risk, though - even before I was of age, I was blithely pressing on the “Yes” button when asked whether I was over 17 (or, occasionally, 18). I figured no one would find out, since I wasn’t the only one using the internet connection at any one time - and, after all, my parents were of age. In the process, I probably exposed my computer to a host of viruses - especially in the days with no popup blockers. I remember that it almost became a game of “how fast you can click alt-f4 while remembering which was the main window”.
Since I was a normal male (though doing things at fourteen my rather conservative peers might not be doing) - it was probably thought that I had a normal libido and the various hormonal problems associated with the age group and gender. (I always wondered whether girls had the same - if not, how…bland their teenage lives must have been.) So I never thought much of visiting the kind of sites with rather suspicious content I did. And with guys, we’re sometimes even expected to know about sex, whereas girls are generally supposed to be seen as the innocent types. This was only natural if they didn’t have the kind of sex drive we did at the same age - but if not, what a strange kind of double standard it was.
In terms of medium - there was a variety of free porn online. The main ones were probably stories, pictures, and movies, which I more-or-less discovered in that order, and I never paid a single cent (aside from the internet bill, which I didn’t foot at that age) for it. I pretty much gave up on pictures, since stories were more portable, and movies better visual stimulation. Since I was gifted with what I call a good imagination, and what my friends call a perverted mind, it didn’t take much to turn me on anyway.
But I did get bored easily, though the content I tended towards was always the hardcore ones. It might be sexist to say, “Foreplay is for girls,” but really, since the sole reason I was on was to attain sexual gratification, and not to please a partner, I saw no point having that kind of slow building up. Instead, I preferred it when it was a barrage of information - stimulation. Nothing less than hardcore - if you’re doing it, what’s the point if you’re not going to go all or nothing? Then I realised - what was I doing castigating people who did that when my own right hand was my best fuck buddy?
It was interesting. In some ways, you could really see a progression when it came to porno. Sometimes one particular position was trendy, and you could see that several videos were of that position. Or a theme might rise from obscurity, and the number of hits to it would explode. Like me, probably, people got bored, and the trends never lasted. It was interesting to watch, though.
And although I maintain I am not a voyeur, I remained a virgin even when most people around me were boasting of their sexual exploits. Somewhere, I had probably retained the teachings of my religious parents, though they would certainly hit the roof if they realised I’d found and clinically (mostly) watched dad’s stash of porno VCDs, and mom’s stash of juicy romance novels. Quite a few of them were of lousy quality (far too drawn-out, too many filler scenes, not enough good sex), and the stuff online was much better, anyway, but I was curious at the time.
I tried online sex once or twice, but it didn’t turn me on to take breaks to write, and I wasn’t selfless enough to indulge in beautiful prose on the spot to satisfy some nameless person on the other side. After some attempts, I decided I’d rather lurk around. During one such attempt, I found someone who came on every day, and wrote much better than most of the people I saw. Since writing was one of the skills I placed highly, I kept an eye on this person, and found out he/she also frequently responded with insightful and passionate remarks, that I often agreed with, on other channels.
So I decided to start a conversation.
:Hello.
:Ah, hi. Do I know you?
:You don’t, but I like your style when you write.
I can be a blunt person when I want to be, and I wanted to keep this particular person off-balance while I got my answers.
:Write?
:Do you actually get turned on when you write for others, like that? Or is the climax just literary expression?
:Um.
:I do…
:Do you masturbate, then?
:Is there a reason for these questions..?
:I’d like to get to know you.
And with that, our somewhat-unlikely friendship began. It turns out he, if it was really a he because I never quite found out, admitted he did it mostly for others - like for me, he didn’t particularly enjoy typing one-handed, and he jokingly said if he wanted sexual relief he would rather beg his girlfriend. The latter, of course, didn’t know he was doing this - and I never understood why he did. I asked, but his explanations made no sense to me. The rest of him, though - it was like a meeting of souls. We felt the similar way about several topics - but differently for quite a few, and we had fun arguing them out.
We were careful, or perhaps I was the only one being careful, not to allow real life to “intrude” upon this dream-like relationship we had. All I knew of him was he lived on the other end of the world from me. Far enough for me not to worry he might come and find out I’m just an average guy, or I might find out the same of him.
Then, after a few months - a remarkable time for most internet relations of this kind, I have since found out - he stopped coming online. And while I waited around the places he frequented, at the times he did, he never did, again. Not as his usual userid, not as another, for I recognise the way he chats. It was as if he had disappeared off the internet. To this day, I do not know if he had moved, got bored, or even died. The strange thing was I felt no sadness - only a satisfaction for the times we had spent. And a desire that slowly grew even as I got on with my life.
Later on, after I graduated, I got a job, married. My wife is a good woman, but we do not particularly understand each other. She is intelligent, but often disinterested in the things I care about. She does not really know me, nor of the secret life I spent, and still spend, online. I am a coward and do not dare to tell her - I fear she will reject me as the average person probably would.
I have sex with my wife, but somewhere along the line it has gotten obligatory. I care for her a lot, but sometimes, now and then, I go online and enjoy a tad of porn. On the way, I lurk at the chatrooms. They look different, and the people change even as the way they chat varies according to trends, but I listen out, listen out for that cry of loneliness, the one my own feelings resonates to. The voice of intelligence in the mishmash of the human waves.
And just when I am about to give up, I find him, or her. You never know, really.
And it’s short, always. But intense.
It’s an affair I never want to give up.
[c: feb07]
A/N: I have to say, this seems like a pretty lousy piece, writing wise. After all, my initial inspiration was “let’s write about a teenage guy, porno, and a short but intense internet affair!” (Kind of shallow. XD) But ah well, I won’t release it so it probably doesn’t matter. Changed my mind..still don't think it's good, but might as well release it! XD
When it comes to risk, though - even before I was of age, I was blithely pressing on the “Yes” button when asked whether I was over 17 (or, occasionally, 18). I figured no one would find out, since I wasn’t the only one using the internet connection at any one time - and, after all, my parents were of age. In the process, I probably exposed my computer to a host of viruses - especially in the days with no popup blockers. I remember that it almost became a game of “how fast you can click alt-f4 while remembering which was the main window”.
Since I was a normal male (though doing things at fourteen my rather conservative peers might not be doing) - it was probably thought that I had a normal libido and the various hormonal problems associated with the age group and gender. (I always wondered whether girls had the same - if not, how…bland their teenage lives must have been.) So I never thought much of visiting the kind of sites with rather suspicious content I did. And with guys, we’re sometimes even expected to know about sex, whereas girls are generally supposed to be seen as the innocent types. This was only natural if they didn’t have the kind of sex drive we did at the same age - but if not, what a strange kind of double standard it was.
In terms of medium - there was a variety of free porn online. The main ones were probably stories, pictures, and movies, which I more-or-less discovered in that order, and I never paid a single cent (aside from the internet bill, which I didn’t foot at that age) for it. I pretty much gave up on pictures, since stories were more portable, and movies better visual stimulation. Since I was gifted with what I call a good imagination, and what my friends call a perverted mind, it didn’t take much to turn me on anyway.
But I did get bored easily, though the content I tended towards was always the hardcore ones. It might be sexist to say, “Foreplay is for girls,” but really, since the sole reason I was on was to attain sexual gratification, and not to please a partner, I saw no point having that kind of slow building up. Instead, I preferred it when it was a barrage of information - stimulation. Nothing less than hardcore - if you’re doing it, what’s the point if you’re not going to go all or nothing? Then I realised - what was I doing castigating people who did that when my own right hand was my best fuck buddy?
It was interesting. In some ways, you could really see a progression when it came to porno. Sometimes one particular position was trendy, and you could see that several videos were of that position. Or a theme might rise from obscurity, and the number of hits to it would explode. Like me, probably, people got bored, and the trends never lasted. It was interesting to watch, though.
And although I maintain I am not a voyeur, I remained a virgin even when most people around me were boasting of their sexual exploits. Somewhere, I had probably retained the teachings of my religious parents, though they would certainly hit the roof if they realised I’d found and clinically (mostly) watched dad’s stash of porno VCDs, and mom’s stash of juicy romance novels. Quite a few of them were of lousy quality (far too drawn-out, too many filler scenes, not enough good sex), and the stuff online was much better, anyway, but I was curious at the time.
I tried online sex once or twice, but it didn’t turn me on to take breaks to write, and I wasn’t selfless enough to indulge in beautiful prose on the spot to satisfy some nameless person on the other side. After some attempts, I decided I’d rather lurk around. During one such attempt, I found someone who came on every day, and wrote much better than most of the people I saw. Since writing was one of the skills I placed highly, I kept an eye on this person, and found out he/she also frequently responded with insightful and passionate remarks, that I often agreed with, on other channels.
So I decided to start a conversation.
:Hello.
:Ah, hi. Do I know you?
:You don’t, but I like your style when you write.
I can be a blunt person when I want to be, and I wanted to keep this particular person off-balance while I got my answers.
:Write?
:Do you actually get turned on when you write for others, like that? Or is the climax just literary expression?
:Um.
:I do…
:Do you masturbate, then?
:Is there a reason for these questions..?
:I’d like to get to know you.
And with that, our somewhat-unlikely friendship began. It turns out he, if it was really a he because I never quite found out, admitted he did it mostly for others - like for me, he didn’t particularly enjoy typing one-handed, and he jokingly said if he wanted sexual relief he would rather beg his girlfriend. The latter, of course, didn’t know he was doing this - and I never understood why he did. I asked, but his explanations made no sense to me. The rest of him, though - it was like a meeting of souls. We felt the similar way about several topics - but differently for quite a few, and we had fun arguing them out.
We were careful, or perhaps I was the only one being careful, not to allow real life to “intrude” upon this dream-like relationship we had. All I knew of him was he lived on the other end of the world from me. Far enough for me not to worry he might come and find out I’m just an average guy, or I might find out the same of him.
Then, after a few months - a remarkable time for most internet relations of this kind, I have since found out - he stopped coming online. And while I waited around the places he frequented, at the times he did, he never did, again. Not as his usual userid, not as another, for I recognise the way he chats. It was as if he had disappeared off the internet. To this day, I do not know if he had moved, got bored, or even died. The strange thing was I felt no sadness - only a satisfaction for the times we had spent. And a desire that slowly grew even as I got on with my life.
Later on, after I graduated, I got a job, married. My wife is a good woman, but we do not particularly understand each other. She is intelligent, but often disinterested in the things I care about. She does not really know me, nor of the secret life I spent, and still spend, online. I am a coward and do not dare to tell her - I fear she will reject me as the average person probably would.
I have sex with my wife, but somewhere along the line it has gotten obligatory. I care for her a lot, but sometimes, now and then, I go online and enjoy a tad of porn. On the way, I lurk at the chatrooms. They look different, and the people change even as the way they chat varies according to trends, but I listen out, listen out for that cry of loneliness, the one my own feelings resonates to. The voice of intelligence in the mishmash of the human waves.
And just when I am about to give up, I find him, or her. You never know, really.
And it’s short, always. But intense.
It’s an affair I never want to give up.
[c: feb07]
A/N: I have to say, this seems like a pretty lousy piece, writing wise. After all, my initial inspiration was “let’s write about a teenage guy, porno, and a short but intense internet affair!” (Kind of shallow. XD) But ah well, I won’t release it so it probably doesn’t matter. Changed my mind..still don't think it's good, but might as well release it! XD