(no subject)
As the due date for my departure to BYUI comes up, I find myself becoming increasingly alienated, mentally, toward my home Georgia. I have lived here 10 years. Ten long years.
And I have been either miserable, or somewhere close to it, almost every single one of those days.
I hide it well. I have learned how to be happy in the face of misery. But all of the problems caused by moving here...
I could count on one hand all the true friends I've had. I have plenty of aquaintances- want to borrow one? Yep, plenty.
And not one ever tried to reach out to me as a friend. Like I said- my true friends, on one hand. And they never stayed for long- something always happened. A move. Redistricting. Ect.
True, I should have tried reaching out myself. But I never really knew how, or what to do. I never really could reach out to those I hung out with.
I probably would have never hung with the people I aquainted myself with- at school, at church, at activities- had I no one else even close to them.
But I can't help but feel anger toward all of those that should have been my friends, at least to a degree. Especially toward the one that was the closest to a "best friend" I had. He at first didn't even want to be my friend- it took a while for me to realize it (when his attitude had changed) but he didn't want to be my friend- he just didn't have the guts to say so. So he pretended. Of course, time changes people, but I can't help but think that we weren't ever made to be friends.
... I know this thought is wrong, but I cannot help but feel as though this move should have never happened, to Georgia. What wouldn't have happened had I not come here. I might have actually led a normal life. Yes, a few problems might have arised that came here, but at least they would have been easier to manage.
But the fact is things worked out here... but barely. Maybe one day I will be thankful for what I've learned and gained here, but not now.
But I wish the anger I have found pulsing in my veins, almost literally, would disapate over this issue. Because I don't want to deal with this anger anymore.
And I have been either miserable, or somewhere close to it, almost every single one of those days.
I hide it well. I have learned how to be happy in the face of misery. But all of the problems caused by moving here...
I could count on one hand all the true friends I've had. I have plenty of aquaintances- want to borrow one? Yep, plenty.
And not one ever tried to reach out to me as a friend. Like I said- my true friends, on one hand. And they never stayed for long- something always happened. A move. Redistricting. Ect.
True, I should have tried reaching out myself. But I never really knew how, or what to do. I never really could reach out to those I hung out with.
I probably would have never hung with the people I aquainted myself with- at school, at church, at activities- had I no one else even close to them.
But I can't help but feel anger toward all of those that should have been my friends, at least to a degree. Especially toward the one that was the closest to a "best friend" I had. He at first didn't even want to be my friend- it took a while for me to realize it (when his attitude had changed) but he didn't want to be my friend- he just didn't have the guts to say so. So he pretended. Of course, time changes people, but I can't help but think that we weren't ever made to be friends.
... I know this thought is wrong, but I cannot help but feel as though this move should have never happened, to Georgia. What wouldn't have happened had I not come here. I might have actually led a normal life. Yes, a few problems might have arised that came here, but at least they would have been easier to manage.
But the fact is things worked out here... but barely. Maybe one day I will be thankful for what I've learned and gained here, but not now.
But I wish the anger I have found pulsing in my veins, almost literally, would disapate over this issue. Because I don't want to deal with this anger anymore.