i’m not in a good mood
I feel mad. Blue and mad. This is not a good combination.
It all started the other day. I was asking someone a question, casually. Just making conversation. And they won’t answer me. So I tried to let it go, but then they suddenly tell me they’re doing it ‘cause I don’t answer their questions, too. An eye for an eye and all that shit.
I was like ‘WTF?!’! Here I am trying to make niceties and you need to go and dig up on past things. Kankenai darou!? Plus, the context is I’m asking where they’re going for the day. Now, when someone asks me where I’m going, I admittedly get all vague, especially when it’s something concerning work. Or, to be more precise about it, when I’m going somewhere for a job interview. With my terrific record of 2 years of looking for stable work, yes, I am frankly embarrassed with this question. So I brush it off. I don’t think I’ve ever been downright disrespectful whenever I do it. I just tend to change topics. But I don’t get mad. I’m just trying not to get myself too psyched out. You know how it is. Pride and all that shit. (Sorry, but let’s get real. Everyone has their own sense of pride they, at some subconscious level, need to keep. This just happens to be mine.)
But then some people APPARENTLY DON’T.
Some people think that they have the right to know every little thing about you. Some people think that when you’re ‘hiding’ something, it’s immediately a license for them to be shitty to you.
Am I not allowed some ounce of privacy with my life? Why does it always have to turn back to me, apparently having a very, very bad attitude? Not that I’m the best when it comes to social manners, but what the fuck.
And you wonder why this supposed family is as dysfunctional as hell.
So now, I can’t get out of this funky mood. I hate being so angry and mad and just… like this. I don’t blow up at other people. And I don’t have anyone to burst out at, be selfish and all that shit. So now my insides are just shaking with just too much stupid emotions. I hate this. I fucking hate this feeling. I know that there are more important things to think and do; that there are more people out there who feel worse than me, but I can’t stop feeling like this right now. I hate this, ‘cause it feels so selfish, and I promised myself that I won’t be like this anymore. I know I’m now acting immature and being all silent and cold wouldn’t do me any good. But I can’t even think of anything right now to lift my mood.
I just feel mad. I just want these stupid people to see WHY I’m mad. But of course, their insipid minds won’t. For them, I’m probably just ‘acting up’ again. I’m the villain once more. Why is that? I don’t even see the point of being nice anymore. Maybe I should just be selfish all the time and just do things that make me happy. It doesn’t seem to matter anyway.
Fuck this.
I had promised myself that I will try to act more my age. Be more mature and sociable and all that shit. But my younger self is probably kicking me right now. I’m way more immature than I was before.
So yes, fuck you, thank you for making me feel even better about myself.