the obligatory february post
I tend to begin February with a bit of a cheer. It’s my favorite month out of the whole year. Birthday month, Kame’s birthday, V-day and chocolates, and the smell of spring - well, at least in theory halfway around the world.
But I guess it comes with growing up and feeling the weight of every single year ticking by. And I get the dreaded February blues.
I’ve flipped past a couple of my good ‘ol old-school journals and yes, the past couple of years begins with the February blues post. Which is technically me feeling like I’m getting too old and still unsure of what I want to exactly do with my life.
It’s kind of frustrating, actually. I have these way vague plans of wanting to live somewhere else, another city, another country but I haven’t really done anything as to how. It makes me feel useless, really. I think I simply got used to the idea that growing up, I was basically lucky that I often got things going my way, without really making too much of an effort. And now… well yeah. Am suffering the consequences of trying to actually live up to plans and not breaking down - well, figuratively - when things get awry.
Contrary to popular belief, I think I’m really a quitter and not too much of a fighter.
I’m really, REALLY trying my best to get past that. To simply let things be and do what I can in the situation. My first instinct had been always to get up and run. Why put up with shit when you don’t need to, right? (The reason why I have this long string of past employment records.) I think it’s my pride and ego speaking and I let it get away with murder. But maybe, growing up means swallowing it all up on most days and letting other people be. It’s an imperfect world and compromises don’t always work. Sometimes - more often than what I/you would like, really - you just gotta give.
Yes, maybe things won’t get any better any time soon. And yes, maybe things might stay that way for the longest time ever, but I guess the important thing is to hang on and just do what you can. I’m not saying that you should simply let things be - cause that would be really idiotic now - but to let things be for the time being. My rational and sensible side of the brain is telling me to let things be for the time being and not lose my cool. Use the extra energy instead in getting myself out of the situation in a calmer, more rightly manner.
Sometimes, wars can be won that way, too.