[Fic] the lines are blurred (and the boundaries broken)
Fandom: Castle
Pairing: Esposito/Ryan
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None.
Word count: c.1460
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
A/N: For my angst bingo prompt 'mistaken identity'.
***
“Are you compromised?”
Kevin holds the phone to his ear and thinks of every ungodly hour of the morning when he’s showed up to a crime scene and Javier was there waiting in his hand with a coffee for him, just the way he likes. Every slow day doing paperwork together, flicking paperclips at each other when they got bored and making their staplers fight until Beckett came round and smacked them round the head. Every tense chase and standoff with a criminal where Kevin was only calm and steady because he knew Javier had his back. Every late night together drinking beer and playing Madden and letting the other crash on their couch when they realized it was too late to go home.
“Dever.”
Every time his heart rate sped up because Javier got too close to the hidden compartment in his desk at home. Every time he joked that Kevin was keeping something from him, every time they had a case that reminded Kevin of what his real life is, of what he’s doing here-
“Dever, are you compromised?”
The first damn time that Javier had crowded him against a wall and leant in and kissed him, and every time after that, every time in the elevator at work or in the morgue when Lanie had her back turned or in the office after everyone else had already gone home-
“No. I’m safe.”
“Good.” The line goes dead.
Kevin Ryan is not compromised. He is safe as long as everyone continues to believe that Kevin Ryan is a transfer from Narcotics, a quirky but likeable man, a good detective, Beckett and Espostio and Castle’s friend.
He’s safe as long as they don’t suspect that Kevin Ryan isn’t real.
As long as none of them ever find the emergency phone that only calls one number that isn’t listed anywhere but is burned into his mind, or the files that Kevin has safely locked away on every officer in the precinct and one novelist...
No. No, he’s not Kevin.
Kevin Ryan is only a creation, a work of fiction, but not like Castle’s - not based on people he knows, not characters that Castle holds so close to himself. Kevin Ryan is an invention of the mind, a construction that someone (something) only identified as Dever can slip into, can use for his mission.
He is the best kind of surveillance, the most accurate and undetectable.
Dever is a shadow, a ghost, whose existence is known only by a select few. Dever is not his real name; he doesn’t have a real name - or family, or friends.
Dever doesn’t have much.
He does have a...co-worker, of sorts, someone like him, and they are the closest that they can get to friends in their line of work. She doesn’t have a name either, but they call her Scout. Scout is the one that he calls when he realizes that Javier might be a problem, the one who buys him an awful tie and text messages him ten times a day, who comes to the precinct and meets Kevin’s friends.
She is the one that Dever trusts not to tell anyone about his problem, because she has had the same one.
They are defined by their orders. Scout and Dever are nothing more than names, but they are meaningless ones. They shape their lives, their beings, around their orders - Kevin Ryan is only a means to an end.
But no amount of training can change human nature. Scout and Dever are only two of many, but they are different from all the others. And they are breaking so many rules, but they’ll never tell.
“How did you do it, Scout?”
“I left, Dever. ”
“But how? Wasn’t it hard?”
“Bianca...I wasn’t her for as long. Not as long as you’ve been Kevin.”
“You haven’t been Jenny for long, but that won’t be hard. Leaving her.”
“Jenny is a lie, in every way.”
“So what made Bianca different?”
Scout sighs, realizes that Dever isn’t going to give up. They’re sitting on Kevin’s red couch, Scout’s legs tucked underneath her, Dever lying with his head in her lap. She strokes his hair, affectionately, and wonders when this happened. When they crossed the line from associates to...companions.
“Bianca had friends. People she loved. Bianca had Alex. But Jenny doesn’t have Kevin. Not really.”
Dever just nods. He understands.
Today, Kevin asked Jenny to marry him, right there in the middle of the precinct. She said yes, and hugged him and cried, and they were both so aware of how strained Javier’s smile had been, and how Kevin met his eyes with longing and apology.
“You loved Alex.”
“Bianca loved Alex,” Scout corrects him gently. “There isn’t a me to love.”
Dever sits up, abruptly. “See, this is what they do to us. They erase us. But I don’t want that. There is a you, and she’s sitting right here with me. My friend.” He slumps a little. “I don’t know who I am anymore. But I know that I love Javi.”
Scout draws Dever closer, soothing him. “We signed up for this,” she says, but it’s not a reprimand. Just a quiet reminder. “We both had things we wanted to leave behind, Dev. That’s how we got here. I had to choose to leave something else behind. And you have to make that choice too.”
“How did you do it?” Dever asks again, but Scout knows he’s asking something different this time.
“I said goodbye to Alex in the morning, and went to work. And once Alex was gone too, I went back, got the phone, and I called to tell them that I’d been compromised.”
“You lied?”
Scout gives a little shrug. “Not exactly. I was compromised - just not in the way that they thought I was.”
Two weeks later, Kevin tells Javier that he and Jenny are over.
“What the hell are you saying, Kevin?”
“I love you, Javi. Not her. It was all a mistake. I was stupid.”
“Just...just stop.”
“Javi, please-”
“No, Kev, stop. You can’t just. Just. After everything, you just go and ask her to marry you. Right in front of me. And now you’re telling me you’re just taking all that back?”
“Yes,” Kevin says firmly, and takes Javier’s wrist in his hand and tells him that he loves Javier and wants him and nobody else. And though Javier still tries to resist, he gives in, because he knows that Kevin means every word.
Dever meant every word. He takes Javi home, to the apartment where there are no traces of Jenny left; to bed, where he never once let Jenny sleep.
A week passes, and he’s expecting the visit from Scout, who comes with the story that Kevin still has a few of her things that she needs, even though she’s planned it so that nobody will know she was even there.
“I’m not asking you to do the same thing that I did, Dever.”
“Then what are you doing?”
“I just want to make sure that you’ve thought this through.”
“You think I haven’t, Scout? Just because you-”
“No, Dev, this isn’t about me. I made my choice, and it was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my entire life. You just need to remember that Kevin Ryan isn’t real, and that they can take him away from you at any time. This job isn’t going to last forever.”
“Javi made him real,” Dever says, and he sounds broken. “And now I don’t want to let him go.”
“It’s your choice, Dever.” Scout kisses him on the cheek, strokes his hair. “Just think about if you want to spend the rest of your life running.”
“At least I’ll have something to run for,” he says, lifting his chin, and Scout gives him a little smile, and leaves.
He’s happy. He’s happy with being on the force, because he has good, loyal friends there, and he’s seen much, much worse than anything that comes up at a crime scene. He’s happy with his apartment, because it’s perfect for him and Kevin; cozy, but not cramped, and it’s perfect for Javi too. And Javi makes him happier than anything else.
Kevin is happy. Dever is happy. And he’s not sure where the boundaries are anymore, where Dever stops and Kevin starts. The lines are blurred, but he’s happy.
At his next check-up, he’s asked the question again, but he’s ready for that.
“Are you compromised, Dever?”
“No. I’m not.”
Scout is right. They will realize that he is compromised one day, and they will come after him, but for now, he’s safe.
And he’ll run forever if it means he gets to keep what he’s gained.
Pairing: Esposito/Ryan
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None.
Word count: c.1460
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
A/N: For my angst bingo prompt 'mistaken identity'.
***
“Are you compromised?”
Kevin holds the phone to his ear and thinks of every ungodly hour of the morning when he’s showed up to a crime scene and Javier was there waiting in his hand with a coffee for him, just the way he likes. Every slow day doing paperwork together, flicking paperclips at each other when they got bored and making their staplers fight until Beckett came round and smacked them round the head. Every tense chase and standoff with a criminal where Kevin was only calm and steady because he knew Javier had his back. Every late night together drinking beer and playing Madden and letting the other crash on their couch when they realized it was too late to go home.
“Dever.”
Every time his heart rate sped up because Javier got too close to the hidden compartment in his desk at home. Every time he joked that Kevin was keeping something from him, every time they had a case that reminded Kevin of what his real life is, of what he’s doing here-
“Dever, are you compromised?”
The first damn time that Javier had crowded him against a wall and leant in and kissed him, and every time after that, every time in the elevator at work or in the morgue when Lanie had her back turned or in the office after everyone else had already gone home-
“No. I’m safe.”
“Good.” The line goes dead.
Kevin Ryan is not compromised. He is safe as long as everyone continues to believe that Kevin Ryan is a transfer from Narcotics, a quirky but likeable man, a good detective, Beckett and Espostio and Castle’s friend.
He’s safe as long as they don’t suspect that Kevin Ryan isn’t real.
As long as none of them ever find the emergency phone that only calls one number that isn’t listed anywhere but is burned into his mind, or the files that Kevin has safely locked away on every officer in the precinct and one novelist...
No. No, he’s not Kevin.
Kevin Ryan is only a creation, a work of fiction, but not like Castle’s - not based on people he knows, not characters that Castle holds so close to himself. Kevin Ryan is an invention of the mind, a construction that someone (something) only identified as Dever can slip into, can use for his mission.
He is the best kind of surveillance, the most accurate and undetectable.
Dever is a shadow, a ghost, whose existence is known only by a select few. Dever is not his real name; he doesn’t have a real name - or family, or friends.
Dever doesn’t have much.
He does have a...co-worker, of sorts, someone like him, and they are the closest that they can get to friends in their line of work. She doesn’t have a name either, but they call her Scout. Scout is the one that he calls when he realizes that Javier might be a problem, the one who buys him an awful tie and text messages him ten times a day, who comes to the precinct and meets Kevin’s friends.
She is the one that Dever trusts not to tell anyone about his problem, because she has had the same one.
They are defined by their orders. Scout and Dever are nothing more than names, but they are meaningless ones. They shape their lives, their beings, around their orders - Kevin Ryan is only a means to an end.
But no amount of training can change human nature. Scout and Dever are only two of many, but they are different from all the others. And they are breaking so many rules, but they’ll never tell.
“How did you do it, Scout?”
“I left, Dever. ”
“But how? Wasn’t it hard?”
“Bianca...I wasn’t her for as long. Not as long as you’ve been Kevin.”
“You haven’t been Jenny for long, but that won’t be hard. Leaving her.”
“Jenny is a lie, in every way.”
“So what made Bianca different?”
Scout sighs, realizes that Dever isn’t going to give up. They’re sitting on Kevin’s red couch, Scout’s legs tucked underneath her, Dever lying with his head in her lap. She strokes his hair, affectionately, and wonders when this happened. When they crossed the line from associates to...companions.
“Bianca had friends. People she loved. Bianca had Alex. But Jenny doesn’t have Kevin. Not really.”
Dever just nods. He understands.
Today, Kevin asked Jenny to marry him, right there in the middle of the precinct. She said yes, and hugged him and cried, and they were both so aware of how strained Javier’s smile had been, and how Kevin met his eyes with longing and apology.
“You loved Alex.”
“Bianca loved Alex,” Scout corrects him gently. “There isn’t a me to love.”
Dever sits up, abruptly. “See, this is what they do to us. They erase us. But I don’t want that. There is a you, and she’s sitting right here with me. My friend.” He slumps a little. “I don’t know who I am anymore. But I know that I love Javi.”
Scout draws Dever closer, soothing him. “We signed up for this,” she says, but it’s not a reprimand. Just a quiet reminder. “We both had things we wanted to leave behind, Dev. That’s how we got here. I had to choose to leave something else behind. And you have to make that choice too.”
“How did you do it?” Dever asks again, but Scout knows he’s asking something different this time.
“I said goodbye to Alex in the morning, and went to work. And once Alex was gone too, I went back, got the phone, and I called to tell them that I’d been compromised.”
“You lied?”
Scout gives a little shrug. “Not exactly. I was compromised - just not in the way that they thought I was.”
Two weeks later, Kevin tells Javier that he and Jenny are over.
“What the hell are you saying, Kevin?”
“I love you, Javi. Not her. It was all a mistake. I was stupid.”
“Just...just stop.”
“Javi, please-”
“No, Kev, stop. You can’t just. Just. After everything, you just go and ask her to marry you. Right in front of me. And now you’re telling me you’re just taking all that back?”
“Yes,” Kevin says firmly, and takes Javier’s wrist in his hand and tells him that he loves Javier and wants him and nobody else. And though Javier still tries to resist, he gives in, because he knows that Kevin means every word.
Dever meant every word. He takes Javi home, to the apartment where there are no traces of Jenny left; to bed, where he never once let Jenny sleep.
A week passes, and he’s expecting the visit from Scout, who comes with the story that Kevin still has a few of her things that she needs, even though she’s planned it so that nobody will know she was even there.
“I’m not asking you to do the same thing that I did, Dever.”
“Then what are you doing?”
“I just want to make sure that you’ve thought this through.”
“You think I haven’t, Scout? Just because you-”
“No, Dev, this isn’t about me. I made my choice, and it was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my entire life. You just need to remember that Kevin Ryan isn’t real, and that they can take him away from you at any time. This job isn’t going to last forever.”
“Javi made him real,” Dever says, and he sounds broken. “And now I don’t want to let him go.”
“It’s your choice, Dever.” Scout kisses him on the cheek, strokes his hair. “Just think about if you want to spend the rest of your life running.”
“At least I’ll have something to run for,” he says, lifting his chin, and Scout gives him a little smile, and leaves.
He’s happy. He’s happy with being on the force, because he has good, loyal friends there, and he’s seen much, much worse than anything that comes up at a crime scene. He’s happy with his apartment, because it’s perfect for him and Kevin; cozy, but not cramped, and it’s perfect for Javi too. And Javi makes him happier than anything else.
Kevin is happy. Dever is happy. And he’s not sure where the boundaries are anymore, where Dever stops and Kevin starts. The lines are blurred, but he’s happy.
At his next check-up, he’s asked the question again, but he’s ready for that.
“Are you compromised, Dever?”
“No. I’m not.”
Scout is right. They will realize that he is compromised one day, and they will come after him, but for now, he’s safe.
And he’ll run forever if it means he gets to keep what he’s gained.