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~ after last nights ramble and angst I feel alot better - dispite the fact I now have a stomach bug and is ill. ¬___¬
But yesh during my super angst to sey-chan...my Okassan managed to walk in and find me sitting there crying my little eyes out (as I had been for the hour and a half before tat) and me being me with the mixture of moodswings starting to feel ill and over tiaredness broke down and ended up crying on my mums sholder for ages.
~ so two hours after that the stomach bug its me full force. I don't remember much of last night I think the fever must have knocked me about a bit but Okassan said I was pretty out of it to the point where she tried to call out the Lomond Doctors and she sat up with me till 4am. I only really remember is Pete bring up a basin of cold water with a cloth - so I must have been pretty damn out of it last night. Which sucks ass greatly.
~ However things are starting to look up...I have managed to regain coherent thought. Which is more than I had last night and I no longer have a tempreture but I still feel pretty ill and to top it all off I can't eat anythign or I bring it back up again ~ fucking great at Christmas.
~ The Sister also known as Siouxla to the Real World or affeconately called Hoola Hoop by me is comming down to night to spend Christmas with us ^^ YATTA! I haven't really spent any time with her since my birthday as I didn't really get to see her much during Auchinawa as she very kindly cleared herself out the flat for us ~ I have a nice big sister ^^
~ But yeah I supose I should update you all in what happened in the wake of magor!angst to mother. Basicaly I broke down and told her all about how I feel like third wheel in the family because when she is accualy in the house she spends all her time with Pete even if I felt really selfish saying it. I told her that I know they are getting married and she loves him in all but it doesn't mean I should be left out or ignored and suprisingly she agreed. Which is uber strange. Though when my Okassan explains it I can understand why she is tired all the time working with people with disablits must be hard expially with the suports my mum gets, I mean who really wants to spend six hours with adults who act liek spoilt todlers and refuse to do anything where its a constant battle to get them to do anything. Though Okassans dropping her hours at work so she can spend more time at home which I am really happy about now. She said she promisis this year will be better and she will be there for me when I need her. I only hope she keeps it this time round.
~ I guess last night after that I sat back and looked at my life and realised it isnt all that bad. I have wonderful friends I have Stephy-chan my rock who has always been there for me no matter what I guess I want to take this journal as a chance to say thank you Stephy, to say thanks to Shin-chan and Reppy who always manage to put a smile on my face when I'm down ^__^ Thank you guys, the last few weeks have been rough so thanks for being there, even if you didn't realise you were.
~ I left school this year too. Hell its not as scary as everyone thinks. Sometimes I sit and think about what I was doing at school this time last year and all the things I miss. I miss going down the village with Amanda and Lisa to the bakery to get a chiken burger and of course the famous Chocolate Brownies. God bless Balfrom...and suddenly I miss it all and I sit and think about how I've left people and a chuck of my life beind 50 miles up the road...then I go to college the next day. And I thank god I am there because this had been the best 6 months of my life. I have been reunited with people I never expected to see again, I've gotten to know old friends better than I ever did the first time round and I guess...I don't know what I am tryign to say. I guess we did keep our promise Stephy-chan. I remember sitting on a tree in the Up-Round-and-Down and we must have been only about 10, and we were sitting there in the sun during the summer holidays and we promised we would always be friends and we would always be therefor eachother no matter what and even though we fell out and we lost contact out of sheer luck - I supose you could even call it destiny we met again and in the end the promise stuck. I can see us being fecking burried together. XP
~ Dispite all the upheavels this year with Pete and mum (lets face it this time last year he wasn't hear) falling in and out and splitting up and getting back together here we are. Christmas 2006 and we are all together again. This year Okassans promising is going to be one of the best family Christmases we have every had. The turkeys ready for tomorrow, we have made stuffing, the Dumpling is steaming and the decorations went up. The tree looks amazing and everything I guess in the end worked out perfectly.
~ Looking back on last Christmas I feel as if a huge weight has been liftedd of my shoulders, my heart feels lighter and as much as I want to sit here and angst over how much I miss people I have lost I know they would tell me I was being stupid. So I have decided this year I wont cry for the things I have lost insted I will be postitive and be happy for what I have been given because I have gained a lot this year, new friends, college and I am content with it all. I am happy because I finaly got this what I had been searchign for since I started high school . Aceptance, Friends who liek me for what I am. And thats the most important thing isnt it?
~ So I guess theres not much left to say but merry Christmas everyone and happy hogmanay. I can only hope this year comming is as good as the last six months. I'll wish for you all on the bells and even though most of you are all off in separate countries be it America, or the Phillpeans and even if we are on seprate sizes of the world I'll still be singing Auld Lang Sine for you guys because you all mean the world to me. You all do.
~ Love you all xxxx