114.
a friend of mine from school was explaining how she was so fed up with her father, that she finally decided today is the day she is going to run away. she has a friend who is older to house her. she's going to quit school, and just live there. she told me today, that it's just been building up inside of her for years, and after mike died, it was just like the final point. there was just no hope here. i didn't say good luck, but i told her goodbye.
sometimes, i wish i didn't care.
if i didn't care about grades, or school, or about getting into a decent college, or rasing a family, there would be nothing stopping me from bolting out that door right now. i can only imagine how great it would feel to pack up my few belongings and necissities, and just run without turning back. my mother is a monster, and i don't know how much more of her i can take. every little thing i do sets her off nowadays. but of course, today i royally fucked up. i had mike go to the movies with me without her knowing (only because i wanted to see him tomorrow, apparently seeing him twice in one week is too much to ask).
she stood at the top of the fucking stairs and eavesdropped on me. then came down with hot chocolate and told me to get off of the phone. she explained everything, and just wouldn't stop yelling. i had to sit there. for half an hour. each word she says either makes me feel like hurting her, or hurting myself. i'm always torn, and it's scary when i get this way. then i usually feel so fucked up i just start sobbing out my words and tell her to leave me alone (which is completely ineffective). i'm the type of person who needs to be alone after a fight and collect their thoughts, vent. it's hard to do that when she keeps coming in and telling me what else i'm grounded from...
i swear to fucking christ, i yelled at the top of my lungs, 'leave me alone. go away. i don't want to talk to you, because every word you say makes me feel like more of a failure than i already am'. yeah, like that fucking worked..all that happened was my throat is sore now, and i talk very roughly.
i'm sick and tired of this shit, and her causing me to cry. and whenever i get this upset, i don't care. i'd run away in a heartbeat, if only i had somewhere to run to.
everything that ever makes me happy, she ruins. everything. vacations, parties, concerts (i'll never forgive her for yelling at mike, meesh, and i at that singing concert this year)..i know i'm not the best daughter but she gets everything that she deserves.
sometimes when i get this angry, i think of taking a fat black sharpie and writing all over the walls, 'fuck your pseudo-god and all that he stands for you horrible bitch'. sadly, tonight still isn't the night.
sometimes, i wish i didn't care.
if i didn't care about grades, or school, or about getting into a decent college, or rasing a family, there would be nothing stopping me from bolting out that door right now. i can only imagine how great it would feel to pack up my few belongings and necissities, and just run without turning back. my mother is a monster, and i don't know how much more of her i can take. every little thing i do sets her off nowadays. but of course, today i royally fucked up. i had mike go to the movies with me without her knowing (only because i wanted to see him tomorrow, apparently seeing him twice in one week is too much to ask).
she stood at the top of the fucking stairs and eavesdropped on me. then came down with hot chocolate and told me to get off of the phone. she explained everything, and just wouldn't stop yelling. i had to sit there. for half an hour. each word she says either makes me feel like hurting her, or hurting myself. i'm always torn, and it's scary when i get this way. then i usually feel so fucked up i just start sobbing out my words and tell her to leave me alone (which is completely ineffective). i'm the type of person who needs to be alone after a fight and collect their thoughts, vent. it's hard to do that when she keeps coming in and telling me what else i'm grounded from...
i swear to fucking christ, i yelled at the top of my lungs, 'leave me alone. go away. i don't want to talk to you, because every word you say makes me feel like more of a failure than i already am'. yeah, like that fucking worked..all that happened was my throat is sore now, and i talk very roughly.
i'm sick and tired of this shit, and her causing me to cry. and whenever i get this upset, i don't care. i'd run away in a heartbeat, if only i had somewhere to run to.
everything that ever makes me happy, she ruins. everything. vacations, parties, concerts (i'll never forgive her for yelling at mike, meesh, and i at that singing concert this year)..i know i'm not the best daughter but she gets everything that she deserves.
sometimes when i get this angry, i think of taking a fat black sharpie and writing all over the walls, 'fuck your pseudo-god and all that he stands for you horrible bitch'. sadly, tonight still isn't the night.