This Charming Man Chapter 6- No Choice Of Words
Whew!! I finally finished chapter 6 of This Charming Man. This one is another sad one.. But! Sex next chapter, and I really mean it this time!!
Izuru’s back hit the wall of his office with a thud. He didn’t hear it, and neither did Shuhei. All either of them could hear was the wet sound of fervent kissing, panting, and the blood roaring in their ears. Shuhei’s hands were everywhere, greedy and reckless- pinching a nipple through Izuru’s shihakusho, cupping and squeezing his ass - while Izuru’s slender fingers tangled in Shuhei’s dark hair. The smaller man moaned softly into the kiss as he began to rub his aching erection against the other’s firm, muscular thigh-
“Izuru…”
“We’re doing it again, aren’t we?”
“Yeah…. Sorry….”
Shuhei backed away from the blonde and took some deep breaths, brushing his fingers over the wetness on his lips.
Izuru curled in on himself with embarrassment, still up against the wall.
“Shuhei…”
“It’s alright. That was my fault too.”
“Can I see you later?”
“Of course. But for now we should both cool off and get back to our work.”
“Yes…”
Izuru smiled as the tattooed shinigami left his office and then looked back down at the tent he was pitching in his
hakama.
Soon….. maybe.
Things were getting complicated for the two lieutenants. Shuhei was not at all sure about the idea of sex with another man, and Izuru….. Izuru knew he wouldn’t be ready for that until he told Shuhei about Ichimaru. But the very idea made his insides feel cold. He wanted so badly to be honest with this man, but the risks that it posed were astronomical. He’d die if Shuhei was repulsed by him or lost his respect for him. If those hot, soulful kisses dried up because Izuru had let himself be dirtied… No. It was the right thing to do. Shuhei had done so much for him, the least the younger man could do was tell him the truth.
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“That one looks like a mouse.”
“You think so? I think it looks more like a bunch of flowers.”
“You do? That’s kinda nice-“
“Dead flowers.”
“….R-right…”
Cloudgazing on a sunny day with your best friend is just wonderful. The sun-warmed grass under your backs, the bright cerulean sky above you, looking up at fluffy white shapes without a care in the world. The perfect way to while away hours talking and laughing when you have the day off- a rare treat for the pair.
“Shuhei… I want to have sex.”
The vice-captain of the Ninth rolled over to face his friend, and chuckled softly. “Here? I dunno… People might see…”
“No! I mean…. I’m ready.” Kira mumbled, slightly pink in the face.
The scarred lieutenant was pretty surprised by this admission, although now that he thought about it, it was getting harder and harder for them to keep their hands off eachother. Admittedly the first few times he’d felt the blonde’s cock press up against him, hot and throbbing against his leg or stomach, Shuhei had shied away and needed some time to clear his thoughts, but as time went on, he had stopped being so weirded out by it. There was nothing scary about it, really. They were both men- they were both the same, so why should it be strange? Shuhei loved Izuru’s warm, tender disposition towards him, his tiny, shy affections… the closer they got, the better it would be. That much he knew.
Izuru knew enough from overhearing Shuhei’s mutual bragging sessions with Renji that he’d slept with plenty of girls, but this would be his first time with another man- save for that one drunken blowjob all those years ago. He really hoped Shuhei wouldn’t be disgusted by him, by his fully-grown body, the things he enjoyed and craved sexually…
“But, before that… I need to tell you something.”
Shuhei nodded. “Sure, what is it?”
“I’m…. not a virgin.”
“Uh… That’s alright, neither am I…” came the reply, with a nervous chuckle, wondering what the other was getting at.
“N-no… that is, to say….” Izuru stuttered slightly. “I had sex… with Ichimaru-taicho.”
Shuhei stared hard at the ground just in front of the blonde, rather than directly at him. “Oh… I see…”
Izuru grabbed the other’s hand, forcing himself to look into downcast, slate grey eyes. “It wasn’t like that, Shuhei. I didn’t want to, I never wanted to, but he….” He couldn’t keep up the eye contact any longer. The shame was too crushing. But he had to tell him, and slowly, the whole horrible mess began to pour itself from Izuru’s lips. If I show you my soul, Shuhei, will you understand? Will you accept me?
“I had admired him since he saved us on that mission, so I didn't hesitate to go and work under him as his lieutenant.... And he was never really cruel to me, nor did he ever really hurt me.... So I had no reason not to trust him.... But, a month or so after I started working under him, he started to ask me strange favours...”
The older man was still staring down, too, tracing the lines of Izuru’s upturned palm with a fingertip, not really sure what the other was trying to tell him, only that it was important for him to listen.
“What kind of favours?”
“It wasn't anything that bad at first... Just waking him up or bringing his food to his room... But he started using those opportunities to... touch me.... Brushing my hair out of my face, running his fingers down my back and things like that. He kept doing that more and more over time until he eventually just kissed me.... I-I was surprised, but I didn't want to upset him, so I let him continue...”
Shuhei’s eyes prickled, the sunlight suddenly feeling stifling and harsh. His stomach churned slightly- he was beginning to understand and holy fuck he wished he didn’t. It was all falling into place, Izuru’s avoiding him, the rope burn, his sadness….
Izuru took a calming breath and chewed his bottom lip before continuing. “Th-that was the first time.... the first time we had sex...... H-he wasn't that rough, because I didn't struggle.... He said it would hurt if I did.... He just held me down and told me to be quiet... But it was still painful, and there was no love or warmth like when we....” The blonde finally looked up at Shuhei. “…Like when you touch me…. I'm sure I was just something to pass the time anyway....” His lip quivered and his voice trembled at that last remark.
Shuhei now had both hands around Izuru’s clenched fist, slowly nodding and blinking tears back from his eyes. Just squeezing that pale hand and blinking, over and over, his mind swirling. Ichimaru’s smirking face flashed in his mind, and his chest tightened painfully. He glanced up at his friend’s face, and silently encouraged him to continue.
“After that, he would often call me to his office because he was bored and wanted to…” A single, fat tear rolled down Izuru’s cheek, as his eyes brimmed over, “W-wanted to f-fuck me or he wanted me to b-blow him while he did paperwork....” Sniffles broke into full sobs as he spoke, “If I ever refused or struggled, he would threaten to tell people what was going on and say the only reason I became lieutenant was because I was sleeping with him, or he'd tie me up if he was impatient....”
Distressed at his kohai’s tears, Shuhei tugged Izuru towards him and hauled the blonde into his lap, cradling him like a child and hugging him tightly. Please, don’t cry. I’m so sorry, Izuru. I’m so sorry. Please let me make it better. Izuru clung to the back of Shuhei’s shikakusho, body wracking with loud, guttural sobs.
“He tried not to leave any visible marks, but I always made up some excuse for them if he did, anyway. I-I know it sounds bad.... But I still willingly gave everything for him, no matter what.... Until he just left.... But, I guess he was just using me, so it doesn't really matter in the end....”
The tattooed shinigami didn’t realise he was crying too until he felt his own tears on his face, making his scars prickle. “Izuru… Why didn’t you tell me? I wish you’d told me…” His voice was cracking, shaking, broken. No matter how badly I wanted to protect you, I failed. I couldn’t save you from this. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve your affection.
“I'm sorry.... Shuhei, I'm sorry... I-I didn't want you to worry a-and I couldn't even explain things myself...”
“Don’t be sorry, I’m the one that should be sorry…”
Izuru buried his face in the taller man’s shoulder, wetting the black material with his tears, tears that felt like now they’d started, he’d never be able to stem the flow. “I didn't want to lie to you.... But, I didn't want you to avoid me or anything either...”
“Why on earth would I avoid you, idiot?”
“I was worried that you'd think I became a lieutenant because I slept with him, or that you'd find it disgusting that I'd slept with another man.... I thought of dozens of reasons....”
“No, Izuru, no, I’d never think that….”
“I know that now.... But back then... I was so paranoid and angry at myself, I didn't even know what to think sometimes....”
“I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything. I wish I could have helped you. I hate myself for not noticing, for not doing anything...” Shuhei sniffed, throat and eyes burning with guilt and impotent anger.
The blonde sat back in Shuhei’s lap to speak to him face to face, voice strong despite his tears. “Don't.... I don't think there was anything you could have done.... And if you tried to raise your sword against him, I-I probably would have stood against you...” Fresh tears trickled down his face, but he didn’t lose his nerve.
“I could have reported him, or just taken you away somewhere.... I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that, you don't deserve to be treated like that...” The brunette slid an arm around Izuru’s waist, and started wiping streaks of wetness off his face.
Izuru nodded. “I… I know that now. You…” Another breath. “You make me feel like I am worth something, Shuhei. For so long, I didn’t think I deserved your kindness. But… now I can accept it, and be more confident, too. So… thank you, Shuhei.”
The older shrugged and smiled amicably. “Hey, don’t worry about it. That’s what you do for the people you love.”
Blue eyes sparkled at the last word. “You… love me?”
“W-well, don’t get the wrong idea, I love lots of people, and I certainly care about you, eheh…” Shuhei chuckled nervously, trying to backpedal away from his near-confession.
His stumbling words were gently broken off with a tearful, soft kiss. Shuhei didn’t need to hate himself. Izuru didn’t need to feel disgusting or ashamed. In that moment, they both knew, all they needed was each other.
They’d always had each other, all along.
Izuru’s back hit the wall of his office with a thud. He didn’t hear it, and neither did Shuhei. All either of them could hear was the wet sound of fervent kissing, panting, and the blood roaring in their ears. Shuhei’s hands were everywhere, greedy and reckless- pinching a nipple through Izuru’s shihakusho, cupping and squeezing his ass - while Izuru’s slender fingers tangled in Shuhei’s dark hair. The smaller man moaned softly into the kiss as he began to rub his aching erection against the other’s firm, muscular thigh-
“Izuru…”
“We’re doing it again, aren’t we?”
“Yeah…. Sorry….”
Shuhei backed away from the blonde and took some deep breaths, brushing his fingers over the wetness on his lips.
Izuru curled in on himself with embarrassment, still up against the wall.
“Shuhei…”
“It’s alright. That was my fault too.”
“Can I see you later?”
“Of course. But for now we should both cool off and get back to our work.”
“Yes…”
Izuru smiled as the tattooed shinigami left his office and then looked back down at the tent he was pitching in his
hakama.
Soon….. maybe.
Things were getting complicated for the two lieutenants. Shuhei was not at all sure about the idea of sex with another man, and Izuru….. Izuru knew he wouldn’t be ready for that until he told Shuhei about Ichimaru. But the very idea made his insides feel cold. He wanted so badly to be honest with this man, but the risks that it posed were astronomical. He’d die if Shuhei was repulsed by him or lost his respect for him. If those hot, soulful kisses dried up because Izuru had let himself be dirtied… No. It was the right thing to do. Shuhei had done so much for him, the least the younger man could do was tell him the truth.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“That one looks like a mouse.”
“You think so? I think it looks more like a bunch of flowers.”
“You do? That’s kinda nice-“
“Dead flowers.”
“….R-right…”
Cloudgazing on a sunny day with your best friend is just wonderful. The sun-warmed grass under your backs, the bright cerulean sky above you, looking up at fluffy white shapes without a care in the world. The perfect way to while away hours talking and laughing when you have the day off- a rare treat for the pair.
“Shuhei… I want to have sex.”
The vice-captain of the Ninth rolled over to face his friend, and chuckled softly. “Here? I dunno… People might see…”
“No! I mean…. I’m ready.” Kira mumbled, slightly pink in the face.
The scarred lieutenant was pretty surprised by this admission, although now that he thought about it, it was getting harder and harder for them to keep their hands off eachother. Admittedly the first few times he’d felt the blonde’s cock press up against him, hot and throbbing against his leg or stomach, Shuhei had shied away and needed some time to clear his thoughts, but as time went on, he had stopped being so weirded out by it. There was nothing scary about it, really. They were both men- they were both the same, so why should it be strange? Shuhei loved Izuru’s warm, tender disposition towards him, his tiny, shy affections… the closer they got, the better it would be. That much he knew.
Izuru knew enough from overhearing Shuhei’s mutual bragging sessions with Renji that he’d slept with plenty of girls, but this would be his first time with another man- save for that one drunken blowjob all those years ago. He really hoped Shuhei wouldn’t be disgusted by him, by his fully-grown body, the things he enjoyed and craved sexually…
“But, before that… I need to tell you something.”
Shuhei nodded. “Sure, what is it?”
“I’m…. not a virgin.”
“Uh… That’s alright, neither am I…” came the reply, with a nervous chuckle, wondering what the other was getting at.
“N-no… that is, to say….” Izuru stuttered slightly. “I had sex… with Ichimaru-taicho.”
Shuhei stared hard at the ground just in front of the blonde, rather than directly at him. “Oh… I see…”
Izuru grabbed the other’s hand, forcing himself to look into downcast, slate grey eyes. “It wasn’t like that, Shuhei. I didn’t want to, I never wanted to, but he….” He couldn’t keep up the eye contact any longer. The shame was too crushing. But he had to tell him, and slowly, the whole horrible mess began to pour itself from Izuru’s lips. If I show you my soul, Shuhei, will you understand? Will you accept me?
“I had admired him since he saved us on that mission, so I didn't hesitate to go and work under him as his lieutenant.... And he was never really cruel to me, nor did he ever really hurt me.... So I had no reason not to trust him.... But, a month or so after I started working under him, he started to ask me strange favours...”
The older man was still staring down, too, tracing the lines of Izuru’s upturned palm with a fingertip, not really sure what the other was trying to tell him, only that it was important for him to listen.
“What kind of favours?”
“It wasn't anything that bad at first... Just waking him up or bringing his food to his room... But he started using those opportunities to... touch me.... Brushing my hair out of my face, running his fingers down my back and things like that. He kept doing that more and more over time until he eventually just kissed me.... I-I was surprised, but I didn't want to upset him, so I let him continue...”
Shuhei’s eyes prickled, the sunlight suddenly feeling stifling and harsh. His stomach churned slightly- he was beginning to understand and holy fuck he wished he didn’t. It was all falling into place, Izuru’s avoiding him, the rope burn, his sadness….
Izuru took a calming breath and chewed his bottom lip before continuing. “Th-that was the first time.... the first time we had sex...... H-he wasn't that rough, because I didn't struggle.... He said it would hurt if I did.... He just held me down and told me to be quiet... But it was still painful, and there was no love or warmth like when we....” The blonde finally looked up at Shuhei. “…Like when you touch me…. I'm sure I was just something to pass the time anyway....” His lip quivered and his voice trembled at that last remark.
Shuhei now had both hands around Izuru’s clenched fist, slowly nodding and blinking tears back from his eyes. Just squeezing that pale hand and blinking, over and over, his mind swirling. Ichimaru’s smirking face flashed in his mind, and his chest tightened painfully. He glanced up at his friend’s face, and silently encouraged him to continue.
“After that, he would often call me to his office because he was bored and wanted to…” A single, fat tear rolled down Izuru’s cheek, as his eyes brimmed over, “W-wanted to f-fuck me or he wanted me to b-blow him while he did paperwork....” Sniffles broke into full sobs as he spoke, “If I ever refused or struggled, he would threaten to tell people what was going on and say the only reason I became lieutenant was because I was sleeping with him, or he'd tie me up if he was impatient....”
Distressed at his kohai’s tears, Shuhei tugged Izuru towards him and hauled the blonde into his lap, cradling him like a child and hugging him tightly. Please, don’t cry. I’m so sorry, Izuru. I’m so sorry. Please let me make it better. Izuru clung to the back of Shuhei’s shikakusho, body wracking with loud, guttural sobs.
“He tried not to leave any visible marks, but I always made up some excuse for them if he did, anyway. I-I know it sounds bad.... But I still willingly gave everything for him, no matter what.... Until he just left.... But, I guess he was just using me, so it doesn't really matter in the end....”
The tattooed shinigami didn’t realise he was crying too until he felt his own tears on his face, making his scars prickle. “Izuru… Why didn’t you tell me? I wish you’d told me…” His voice was cracking, shaking, broken. No matter how badly I wanted to protect you, I failed. I couldn’t save you from this. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve your affection.
“I'm sorry.... Shuhei, I'm sorry... I-I didn't want you to worry a-and I couldn't even explain things myself...”
“Don’t be sorry, I’m the one that should be sorry…”
Izuru buried his face in the taller man’s shoulder, wetting the black material with his tears, tears that felt like now they’d started, he’d never be able to stem the flow. “I didn't want to lie to you.... But, I didn't want you to avoid me or anything either...”
“Why on earth would I avoid you, idiot?”
“I was worried that you'd think I became a lieutenant because I slept with him, or that you'd find it disgusting that I'd slept with another man.... I thought of dozens of reasons....”
“No, Izuru, no, I’d never think that….”
“I know that now.... But back then... I was so paranoid and angry at myself, I didn't even know what to think sometimes....”
“I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything. I wish I could have helped you. I hate myself for not noticing, for not doing anything...” Shuhei sniffed, throat and eyes burning with guilt and impotent anger.
The blonde sat back in Shuhei’s lap to speak to him face to face, voice strong despite his tears. “Don't.... I don't think there was anything you could have done.... And if you tried to raise your sword against him, I-I probably would have stood against you...” Fresh tears trickled down his face, but he didn’t lose his nerve.
“I could have reported him, or just taken you away somewhere.... I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that, you don't deserve to be treated like that...” The brunette slid an arm around Izuru’s waist, and started wiping streaks of wetness off his face.
Izuru nodded. “I… I know that now. You…” Another breath. “You make me feel like I am worth something, Shuhei. For so long, I didn’t think I deserved your kindness. But… now I can accept it, and be more confident, too. So… thank you, Shuhei.”
The older shrugged and smiled amicably. “Hey, don’t worry about it. That’s what you do for the people you love.”
Blue eyes sparkled at the last word. “You… love me?”
“W-well, don’t get the wrong idea, I love lots of people, and I certainly care about you, eheh…” Shuhei chuckled nervously, trying to backpedal away from his near-confession.
His stumbling words were gently broken off with a tearful, soft kiss. Shuhei didn’t need to hate himself. Izuru didn’t need to feel disgusting or ashamed. In that moment, they both knew, all they needed was each other.
They’d always had each other, all along.