Out of Choices - Chapter 4
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 4: Defeat (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 2,377
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Edward's point of view...
4. Defeat
I had never been a fan of high school but it had become my least favourite thing to do since Bella Swan’s arrival. The situation that was seen merely with boredom before had now become loathsome. I resented the intrusion in my routine, resented the mental energy I had to expend on the situation, resented the importance I had to place on the girl’s whereabouts. I tried to reconcile my hatred for the situation with my desire for self-preservation. I had to know where she was so I could take precautions to limit my exposure to her, to be prepared in the case that I did have to deal with her presence. Still, I found it difficult not to be bitter. I didn’t want to think about her at all. The mere thought of her flooded my senses with memories of her delicious scent and activated my body in unpleasant ways, my throat scorching with desperation and my venom freely flowing awaiting its intended prey. Yet in order to avoid the even more acute physical pain of being around her, not to mention the danger being in her presence posed to both of us and my family I had to continually think about her. I craved the boring daily routine that existed before she came. At least I was able to be mindless then. Now I was in a constant state of alertness and consequently I found I was permanently on edge, always waiting for the next battle, always trying to be ready to fight the urge to strike.
Finding out information about her was exceedingly more difficult than I had expected it would be. Since her mind was not open to me I had to resort to listening to the minds of those around her to learn about her and she did not make it easy. She rarely spoke and when she did open her mouth at all it was usually to insult someone, never about herself. As I watched her in the minds of her classmates it seemed that her expression was still generally what I had observed with my own eyes in biology, detached, emotionless, blank. Occasionally, when one of the inattentive few that either did not see her clear signals to be left alone or chose to ignore them got too close her anger would flare. She had quite a temper for such a small person. Impressive really. She could certainly handle anything the other students handed out to her. Not only that but she would give it back to them in spades.
Since I had only one class in common with Bella, I had to be most aware when classes were changing. I paid careful attention to the routes she took to her classes, always being prudent to avoid her and changing up my own routine so we would not cross paths. Avoiding common areas where students gathered like the quad and the parking lot helped also. Since I could not avoid her in the cafeteria I made sure to get a table near the exit and on the opposite side of the room to the one she sat at. It was a small annoyance but doable.
Despite my edgy mood I was already preparing for this afternoon’s biology lesson, making a mental list of topics that would be sure to ignite Bella’s short fuse. I marvelled at the number of minds that contained thoughts of her and wondered if she had any idea as to the amount of attention other students were paying her. From what I knew of her she would not appreciate the attention in the least. Perhaps she was aware of the attention and that was what made her so unapproachable? As I observed her in the cafeteria a part of me felt almost bad for the girl. She seemed so entirely miserable. What was worse was that her misery didn’t seem to bother her. It was as if she had accepted it as edict, the permanent and unchanging state of her life. Even though she was the source of my misery there was an end to it. She would only stay in Forks to finish High School and then I would be free of her. But this girl lived in misery, embraced misery, made misery her best friend. What a dreadful existence!
‘Edward are you sure you are ok to go to class today?’ Alice’s thoughts were sympathetic. She could, as the rest of my family could, sense my tension. I blinked a yes.
‘Is she here?’ I shot my eyes quickly towards Alice and back again indicating a no. The less Alice knew the better. The lie seemed smaller somehow when it wasn’t audible.
‘I don’t see anything bad happening today.’ She was trying to be supportive. If I had been myself I would have appreciated her concern. Today it just felt like a vote of no confidence. I rolled my eyes at her but said nothing.
‘And you’re sure you want to do this?’ I wanted to reassure her. I let the corner of my mouth turn up into a small smirk to bolster my fake enthusiasm. Going to class would be torturous, but if I could persevere then at least there was hope that I could beat this, that I wasn’t simply a weak monster, that I had a shred of humanity buried somewhere inside my cold, stone body.
The bell rang and I left for biology, Alice’s eyes boring a hole in my back.
Bella was already sitting at the table when I arrived. I set my books down and pulled the stool out, allowing the feet of the stool to drag across the floor and emit a horrible screeching sound. Everyone around me flinched, covering their ears and groaning complaints, everyone but Bella. She stared ahead completely unaffected.
I snickered at her non-reaction. She continued to ignore me.
“Good afternoon Isabella.” I had observed that she didn’t like being called by her full name, correcting everyone that used it. I noticed her back stiffen a minute amount but she made no attempt to correct or acknowledge me.
Mr. Banner called the class to order. I shifted my body away from her slightly, dragging my foot along the floor and kicking her stool in the process. He body shifted against the motion of the stool, slamming into the edge of the table, but she never made a noise or looked at me. Her faithful obstinacy was admirable. I felt a small pang of guilt for the potential hurt I might have caused her when her body hit the desk. I hadn’t intended to hurt her, only jar her. I resolved to be more careful.
“So Isabella…” I let the last syllable roll and hang on my tongue just to draw out the annoyance and then whispered pointedly. “I heard that your boyfriend Mike Newton is taking you to the dance.” I watched her carefully for a reaction. She barely registered my words, only a slight widening of her eyes. Very little reaction and much less reaction than I had anticipated. I was beginning to feel disappointed. I was sure that she would have denied the accusation vehemently.
“It’s the talk of the campus really,” I whispered. “I heard Mike say it himself. Something about beating out his competition for your hand. It was quite amusing,” I asserted. It wasn’t a total lie. I had listened to Mike’s crude mind cover many scenarios involving Bella and the dance. He was well aware of his competition as I was now as well. I got zero reaction from her though, as if I hadn’t uttered a single word of it. She just continued to work away at the assignment.
“Did you want to hear his plans for the both of you? I’m quite up to date on your itinerary for the night.” I was blatantly lying now, just trying to goad her. “Right down to the corsage he plans to buy you and where he plans to take you…” I paused for dramatic effect, hoping she’d tell me to shut my mouth or at least look at me. “Well… afterwards.” I chuckled suggestively. She remained completely unfazed by my teasing. I was beginning to get angry.
I sat quietly as Mr. Banner approached our table. “Kids, did you have any questions about today’s assignment?” I watched Bella shake her head at him, making only the briefest of eye contact with him before turning back to the papers in front of her.
“We’re fine Mr. Banner. No need to worry about Isabella and I.” I blankly stared into his eyes, willing him to leave us so I could get back to irritating Bella.
‘These two shouldn’t even be in my class.’ Mr Banner was a diffident, modest man and his borderline annoyance at having Bella and I being in his class would have been almost laughable to me if it hadn’t been for his acrimonious mental tone. I sneered at him before I could control myself. He flinched slightly back.
“I’ll leave the two of you to it then.” He smiled politely and backed away.
“What was that about?” Bella turned to look at me.
Surprised that she’d spoken to me and pleased that she was finally acknowledging my presence, my eyes found Bella’s and locked on them. “What was what about?”
“You sneered at him.”
“What?” I asked, astonished. There was no way she could have seen that.
“All he did was ask us if we needed help and you actually sneered at him. I’m surprised you didn’t fucking growl.” I could tell by her tone and posture that she was confident in her conclusion.
I shifted uncomfortably under her questioning eyes, ill prepared for the girl’s remarkable observational skills. She hadn’t as much as looked in my direction prior to Mr. Banner’s approach. How could she have noticed my tiny little sneer? Her eyes and all their questions held me infatuated. I hadn’t noticed their beautiful colour before this moment. Had they always been so deep brown? I laughed nervously. “I did not sneer.”
Apparently I’d lost my ability to speak.
“Oh, ok,” she laughed blackly.
“You must be imagining things.” A shoddy comeback surely but it was all I could come up with in my current stupor. Along with my inability to speak I had suddenly forgotten all of the techniques I’d perfected over the years for lying convincingly to a human. I was still shocked, trying to accept that she’d noticed my tiny mistake with Mr. Banner.
“I guess that means that both Mr. Banner and I were imagining things then. He saw it too.” She said it so matter-of-factly that it stopped me in my tracks. She was in fact correct but it was rare than any human noticed such small things.
“I don’t know what you saw but it’s not what you think you saw,” I assured her. I knew my declaration was futile. She’d already made up her mind.
“Yeah, I’m sure Mr. Banner flinches all the time when students talk to him.” Her voice held all the sarcasm her comment wielded.
“He didn’t flinch. Really Bella, you’re being absurd.” I pushed the words out with as much persuasion as I could muster. All of my plans were falling apart, laying in well-intended pieces around my feet. My confidence was lost and replaced by a fleeting fear and something else that I’d never felt before, something consuming and forceful that I couldn’t even name in my current state of misunderstanding.
“He did too flinch.” Mike leaned across the aisle towards Bella, authenticating her observation, having obviously eavesdropped on our conversation. I hadn’t realized we had gotten so loud. Had I noticed anything at all during this class?
“See, Mike saw too.” Her nonchalance unnerved me. Damn Mike for meddling instead of minding his own business. Just because he considered Bella to be his business didn’t make it true. My anger swelled. I gripped the edge of the table to steady and control myself, wishing it was Mike’s head that I was crushing between the pressure of my fingertips rather than the wooden tabletop.
“This is a private conversation.” I glowered at Mike and he turned back to his work with a slight scowl. His internal dialogue was farcical and provided me with some much-needed mollification. My temper dissipated as I listened to his mind expel threats of bodily harm, stifling my laughter. If only he knew just how poorly he’d fare in such a venture. Then he added me into his list of competitors for Bella's hand. How laughable. I refocused my energy, trying to re-engage Bella before all opportunity to convince her that she didn’t see what she thought she saw was lost.
“He didn’t flinch Isabella.” I looked into her deep brown eyes searching for something. Conviction? Truth? Wavering? How was I supposed to see something when I didn’t even know what I was looking for? I don’t know what I expected to see there but what I did see there frightened me. I saw my reflection in her eyes, my face twisted in confusion and unnerved by the very eyes I was looking at. Was that what I really looked like to her human eyes?
“Whatever.” She blinked a few times and then shrugged indifferently, turning her attention away from me and back to her work.
I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. In the single action of noticing my mistake she had completely disarmed me of my carefully planned scheme, of every tool I could have employed to defend myself and secure her compliance. She had not only disarmed me but she had rendered me a babbling idiot. How could this be? I glared at her now, a deep scowl on my face. That’s when I knew she had me. The tiniest of smiles played at the corners of her lips. She knew I was annoyed and it pleased her. Moreover, she was not the least bit irritated with all of my attempts to upset her. All of my efforts had been in vain. She was the clear victor today.
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Chapter 4: Defeat (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 2,377
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Edward's point of view...
4. Defeat
I had never been a fan of high school but it had become my least favourite thing to do since Bella Swan’s arrival. The situation that was seen merely with boredom before had now become loathsome. I resented the intrusion in my routine, resented the mental energy I had to expend on the situation, resented the importance I had to place on the girl’s whereabouts. I tried to reconcile my hatred for the situation with my desire for self-preservation. I had to know where she was so I could take precautions to limit my exposure to her, to be prepared in the case that I did have to deal with her presence. Still, I found it difficult not to be bitter. I didn’t want to think about her at all. The mere thought of her flooded my senses with memories of her delicious scent and activated my body in unpleasant ways, my throat scorching with desperation and my venom freely flowing awaiting its intended prey. Yet in order to avoid the even more acute physical pain of being around her, not to mention the danger being in her presence posed to both of us and my family I had to continually think about her. I craved the boring daily routine that existed before she came. At least I was able to be mindless then. Now I was in a constant state of alertness and consequently I found I was permanently on edge, always waiting for the next battle, always trying to be ready to fight the urge to strike.
Finding out information about her was exceedingly more difficult than I had expected it would be. Since her mind was not open to me I had to resort to listening to the minds of those around her to learn about her and she did not make it easy. She rarely spoke and when she did open her mouth at all it was usually to insult someone, never about herself. As I watched her in the minds of her classmates it seemed that her expression was still generally what I had observed with my own eyes in biology, detached, emotionless, blank. Occasionally, when one of the inattentive few that either did not see her clear signals to be left alone or chose to ignore them got too close her anger would flare. She had quite a temper for such a small person. Impressive really. She could certainly handle anything the other students handed out to her. Not only that but she would give it back to them in spades.
Since I had only one class in common with Bella, I had to be most aware when classes were changing. I paid careful attention to the routes she took to her classes, always being prudent to avoid her and changing up my own routine so we would not cross paths. Avoiding common areas where students gathered like the quad and the parking lot helped also. Since I could not avoid her in the cafeteria I made sure to get a table near the exit and on the opposite side of the room to the one she sat at. It was a small annoyance but doable.
Despite my edgy mood I was already preparing for this afternoon’s biology lesson, making a mental list of topics that would be sure to ignite Bella’s short fuse. I marvelled at the number of minds that contained thoughts of her and wondered if she had any idea as to the amount of attention other students were paying her. From what I knew of her she would not appreciate the attention in the least. Perhaps she was aware of the attention and that was what made her so unapproachable? As I observed her in the cafeteria a part of me felt almost bad for the girl. She seemed so entirely miserable. What was worse was that her misery didn’t seem to bother her. It was as if she had accepted it as edict, the permanent and unchanging state of her life. Even though she was the source of my misery there was an end to it. She would only stay in Forks to finish High School and then I would be free of her. But this girl lived in misery, embraced misery, made misery her best friend. What a dreadful existence!
‘Edward are you sure you are ok to go to class today?’ Alice’s thoughts were sympathetic. She could, as the rest of my family could, sense my tension. I blinked a yes.
‘Is she here?’ I shot my eyes quickly towards Alice and back again indicating a no. The less Alice knew the better. The lie seemed smaller somehow when it wasn’t audible.
‘I don’t see anything bad happening today.’ She was trying to be supportive. If I had been myself I would have appreciated her concern. Today it just felt like a vote of no confidence. I rolled my eyes at her but said nothing.
‘And you’re sure you want to do this?’ I wanted to reassure her. I let the corner of my mouth turn up into a small smirk to bolster my fake enthusiasm. Going to class would be torturous, but if I could persevere then at least there was hope that I could beat this, that I wasn’t simply a weak monster, that I had a shred of humanity buried somewhere inside my cold, stone body.
The bell rang and I left for biology, Alice’s eyes boring a hole in my back.
Bella was already sitting at the table when I arrived. I set my books down and pulled the stool out, allowing the feet of the stool to drag across the floor and emit a horrible screeching sound. Everyone around me flinched, covering their ears and groaning complaints, everyone but Bella. She stared ahead completely unaffected.
I snickered at her non-reaction. She continued to ignore me.
“Good afternoon Isabella.” I had observed that she didn’t like being called by her full name, correcting everyone that used it. I noticed her back stiffen a minute amount but she made no attempt to correct or acknowledge me.
Mr. Banner called the class to order. I shifted my body away from her slightly, dragging my foot along the floor and kicking her stool in the process. He body shifted against the motion of the stool, slamming into the edge of the table, but she never made a noise or looked at me. Her faithful obstinacy was admirable. I felt a small pang of guilt for the potential hurt I might have caused her when her body hit the desk. I hadn’t intended to hurt her, only jar her. I resolved to be more careful.
“So Isabella…” I let the last syllable roll and hang on my tongue just to draw out the annoyance and then whispered pointedly. “I heard that your boyfriend Mike Newton is taking you to the dance.” I watched her carefully for a reaction. She barely registered my words, only a slight widening of her eyes. Very little reaction and much less reaction than I had anticipated. I was beginning to feel disappointed. I was sure that she would have denied the accusation vehemently.
“It’s the talk of the campus really,” I whispered. “I heard Mike say it himself. Something about beating out his competition for your hand. It was quite amusing,” I asserted. It wasn’t a total lie. I had listened to Mike’s crude mind cover many scenarios involving Bella and the dance. He was well aware of his competition as I was now as well. I got zero reaction from her though, as if I hadn’t uttered a single word of it. She just continued to work away at the assignment.
“Did you want to hear his plans for the both of you? I’m quite up to date on your itinerary for the night.” I was blatantly lying now, just trying to goad her. “Right down to the corsage he plans to buy you and where he plans to take you…” I paused for dramatic effect, hoping she’d tell me to shut my mouth or at least look at me. “Well… afterwards.” I chuckled suggestively. She remained completely unfazed by my teasing. I was beginning to get angry.
I sat quietly as Mr. Banner approached our table. “Kids, did you have any questions about today’s assignment?” I watched Bella shake her head at him, making only the briefest of eye contact with him before turning back to the papers in front of her.
“We’re fine Mr. Banner. No need to worry about Isabella and I.” I blankly stared into his eyes, willing him to leave us so I could get back to irritating Bella.
‘These two shouldn’t even be in my class.’ Mr Banner was a diffident, modest man and his borderline annoyance at having Bella and I being in his class would have been almost laughable to me if it hadn’t been for his acrimonious mental tone. I sneered at him before I could control myself. He flinched slightly back.
“I’ll leave the two of you to it then.” He smiled politely and backed away.
“What was that about?” Bella turned to look at me.
Surprised that she’d spoken to me and pleased that she was finally acknowledging my presence, my eyes found Bella’s and locked on them. “What was what about?”
“You sneered at him.”
“What?” I asked, astonished. There was no way she could have seen that.
“All he did was ask us if we needed help and you actually sneered at him. I’m surprised you didn’t fucking growl.” I could tell by her tone and posture that she was confident in her conclusion.
I shifted uncomfortably under her questioning eyes, ill prepared for the girl’s remarkable observational skills. She hadn’t as much as looked in my direction prior to Mr. Banner’s approach. How could she have noticed my tiny little sneer? Her eyes and all their questions held me infatuated. I hadn’t noticed their beautiful colour before this moment. Had they always been so deep brown? I laughed nervously. “I did not sneer.”
Apparently I’d lost my ability to speak.
“Oh, ok,” she laughed blackly.
“You must be imagining things.” A shoddy comeback surely but it was all I could come up with in my current stupor. Along with my inability to speak I had suddenly forgotten all of the techniques I’d perfected over the years for lying convincingly to a human. I was still shocked, trying to accept that she’d noticed my tiny mistake with Mr. Banner.
“I guess that means that both Mr. Banner and I were imagining things then. He saw it too.” She said it so matter-of-factly that it stopped me in my tracks. She was in fact correct but it was rare than any human noticed such small things.
“I don’t know what you saw but it’s not what you think you saw,” I assured her. I knew my declaration was futile. She’d already made up her mind.
“Yeah, I’m sure Mr. Banner flinches all the time when students talk to him.” Her voice held all the sarcasm her comment wielded.
“He didn’t flinch. Really Bella, you’re being absurd.” I pushed the words out with as much persuasion as I could muster. All of my plans were falling apart, laying in well-intended pieces around my feet. My confidence was lost and replaced by a fleeting fear and something else that I’d never felt before, something consuming and forceful that I couldn’t even name in my current state of misunderstanding.
“He did too flinch.” Mike leaned across the aisle towards Bella, authenticating her observation, having obviously eavesdropped on our conversation. I hadn’t realized we had gotten so loud. Had I noticed anything at all during this class?
“See, Mike saw too.” Her nonchalance unnerved me. Damn Mike for meddling instead of minding his own business. Just because he considered Bella to be his business didn’t make it true. My anger swelled. I gripped the edge of the table to steady and control myself, wishing it was Mike’s head that I was crushing between the pressure of my fingertips rather than the wooden tabletop.
“This is a private conversation.” I glowered at Mike and he turned back to his work with a slight scowl. His internal dialogue was farcical and provided me with some much-needed mollification. My temper dissipated as I listened to his mind expel threats of bodily harm, stifling my laughter. If only he knew just how poorly he’d fare in such a venture. Then he added me into his list of competitors for Bella's hand. How laughable. I refocused my energy, trying to re-engage Bella before all opportunity to convince her that she didn’t see what she thought she saw was lost.
“He didn’t flinch Isabella.” I looked into her deep brown eyes searching for something. Conviction? Truth? Wavering? How was I supposed to see something when I didn’t even know what I was looking for? I don’t know what I expected to see there but what I did see there frightened me. I saw my reflection in her eyes, my face twisted in confusion and unnerved by the very eyes I was looking at. Was that what I really looked like to her human eyes?
“Whatever.” She blinked a few times and then shrugged indifferently, turning her attention away from me and back to her work.
I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. In the single action of noticing my mistake she had completely disarmed me of my carefully planned scheme, of every tool I could have employed to defend myself and secure her compliance. She had not only disarmed me but she had rendered me a babbling idiot. How could this be? I glared at her now, a deep scowl on my face. That’s when I knew she had me. The tiniest of smiles played at the corners of her lips. She knew I was annoyed and it pleased her. Moreover, she was not the least bit irritated with all of my attempts to upset her. All of my efforts had been in vain. She was the clear victor today.
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