This is not about love. 'Cause I am not in love. In Fact, I can't stop falling out.
-I am too talentless and retarded for colleges to accept me
vs
+College is largely overrated for the most part, is ultimately just a more expensive and time-consuming high school, and there is no need for me to jump right from one stressful school environment to the next, especially if I'm not ready yet
vs
-/+ I have to go regardless
+I want to stay in this city for another year because developing my work ethic and supporting myself will be healthy, normal, and hopefully profitable, as will being able to focus on and sell my artwork
vs
-I CANT FUCKING STAND UC STUDENTS.
vs
-/+ I must remind myself that frat chauvanists and sorority autistics are pretty much inescapable in any college environment.
+I am in love and the world is my decaying oyster and I should follow whatever shows up on my doorpost, because, as is said, 'there's no time like now'
vs
-I am not really in love, he is crazy and you don't follow the crazy rabbit into the hole, I should just dump him and fuck this and continue along my safe, reclusive path to wherever, alternately fucking around with others and holing away to my usual life of quiet and (un)dignified seclusion
vs
-/+ He makes me smile and I miss him when he's not by my side and he fills in all the blanks of all the "you"s in love songs and now would be a good time to decide what I want because we're kind of moving in together
The last week has been remarkably stressful. I don't think I can take any more rejection. It's amazing how a single letter from a single college can essentially creamate your whole self-worth. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but...I do.
I've tallied, and I've cried more in the last three months than I have collectively in the last year.
It happens, I guess?
I had a minor anxiety attack tonight because my mom took us out to TGIFRIDAYS and restaurants, esp. cheesy-vague-americana-reference-filled-grease-pits, make me desperately nervous; my throat is still kind of closed up.
+++In a fit of consumer compensation for my shitty week and fluctuating mood, I bought a 4-disc Johnny Cash "Sun Recordings" box set tonight for $20. Half-Price Books is rad.
++++I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO FIONA APPLE'S NEW SINGLE. HAS ANYONE ELSE HEARD IT?