Gift fic for mugiwara_shojo
To: mugiwara_shojo
From: sanjihan
SEASON'S GREETINGS!
Title: To Catch A Falling Star
Pairing/Group: Shige/Tegoshi
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: AU. Embedded second person narrative. Character death (but happy ending.) Slight angst.
Notes: mugiwara-shojo, I really loved writing this for you, and I hope it makes you happy. Lyrics at end from Owl City's "Meteor Shower."
Summary: Some books make you laugh. Some make you cry. Some make you think. But some books change your life.
-=-
The book was a gift, given years ago as a graduation present for high school, though he couldn't recall the giver, and he'd kept it because it was so beautifully bound. Pebbled brown leather so soft to the touch and a little worn along the thick spine and corners - proof that someone had loved it well once. What with one thing or another, reading it had always been pushed to the side in favor of homework or hanging out with friends or work, when he'd gotten a job and joined the army of salarymen in Tokyo. Now, six years after the fact, Shige stood in front of the bookshelf, finger running up the spine and he hooked a finger over the lip of the binding, tilting it forward as he thought. It was New Years and his parents were in Osaka, visiting family. No one expected Shige to come. He was grown-up now, with grown-up responsibilities and a job that didn't care about holidays. Not much, anyway. All it meant was that he had a few hours to himself at night for a couple days.
Strangely, he felt sort of shy, touching this book he'd so tenderly run his hands over so many times but never opened. He laughed at himself and in a fit of decision pulled it off the shelf, hefting its considerable weight in both hands and nodding. Never a better time than now. He laid the book on the couch and made a cup of tea, grabbing a blanket from his room as it steeped and then carried his cup and cover to the couch and arranged himself, lifting the book into his lap, opening it, licking his finger and turning the first page.
1
The room is cold, you can feel it against your face though you're safely cocooned in your blankets, and sleep slows your thoughts and movements. You still. Wonder why you've awoken. Indistinct thoughts play across your mind and you can't chase them until suddenly you remember, and your lips curve up in pleasure. He called for you, so you woke, and you force yourself to untangle your limbs from the sheets, anticipation lending mobility and chasing the slumber from your body. The icy touch of the hardwood floor against the just-warm soles of your feet runs up your spine like a shock, and you struggle to stop your teeth from chattering as you cross to the mirror and stand before it.
He's there, his small, slim figure bright against the dark background and you wonder where he is. He sees you and smiles, reaches out his hand and you press your fingers against the cool glass, through it, and he takes your hand and pulls. You pass through with an icy shudder, into summery warmth and the smooth feel of his hand in yours. When he takes both your hands in his own and brings them to his mouth to cup them between his and blow warm breath over them, you shudder, and he smiles mischievously before rubbing them and letting you pull away.
"You took a long time today," Tegoshi says, still smiling.
"I was having a good dream."
"Was I in it?" he asks cutely.
"No," you tell him, but it's not true.
He knows you're lying and he grins, the sight making your heart turn over oddly. "Wasn't any good, then." He doesn't give you time to do anything but splutter as he turns and strides away, looking over his shoulder and saying excitedly, "Come on!"
As though you'd do anything but.
The walk is long but not arduous as you pass through a moonlit glade, the silvery light not fully accounting for the soft glow that surrounds Tegoshi, and you stumble a few times because you can't quite tear your eyes away. He could have pulled you through anywhere but he chose to walk with you, even though he's several paces ahead, and the thought makes you smile.
"Where are we going?" you ask.
"To see a friend."
Your brow wrinkles as you think about this. He's never done anything like this before. It's always been 'business,' no matter how pleasant, and you wonder why today is different. Tegoshi slows until he's beside you and your hands brush together, sending electric tingles up your arm until he takes your hand in his.
2
"We're going to see Pi."
"Is Pi a star?" you ask, because you still don't understand.
Tegoshi's fingers tighten around your own and he nods. "Do you believe in soulmates?"
"Soulmates? I don't know," you reply and wonder why he asks.
"All stars have soulmates," Tegoshi says seriously, "and since time is nothing to them, they have eternity to find them, chase them across galaxies. Pi's soulmate, though, is a human. No one knows how it happened, but it doesn't matter. He's the only star ever to fall on purpose, before his time, so he could be with him." Tegoshi sighs. "I don't blame him, but you know that stars, once they're in human form, when they die as humans, they die for good. There is no rebirth if I can't find them and free them. Usually it's not so difficult. When stars accidentally fall and become humans, they forget themselves. Once I show them what they are, they typically come over with no problem. But Pi already knows what's happened and has chosen to stay anyway. But he's dying." He turns pained eyes to you and you know what he's saying. If Pi dies like this, he can't come back.
"You've been to see him before."
Tegoshi nods. "He always turns me away. But now that he's dying…" He slows to a stop and looks up at the night sky. There are tears building in his eyes and you let go of his hand to wrap your arms around him, press a palm in the hollow between sharp shoulder blades and rest the other against the dip in his spine and hold him close. His cheek is warm against your chest and as much as you hate to see him hurting, you're grateful, too, to suddenly find this chink in his armor. He's always so strong despite being so fragile in appearance and it makes you hold him more tightly.
"You think he'll say no?"
"I know he will. He won't leave his soulmate, even if it means death. But I have to try."
You stand there a moment longer in the balmy air until he gently disengages, swiping at his eyes before grabbing your hand again and moving forward.
After a while, you're starting to feel a bit out of breath and your palm is uncomfortably sweaty and you're torn between letting his hand go to wipe it on your shirt and not wanting to disrupt the feel, when he suddenly stops and points.
"There it is," he says, and that's when you notice the small building set amidst the trees, at the edge of a small pool of glassy water.
He picks up the pace and in no time you're at the door and Tegoshi is knocking, fierce determination on
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his face. An old man answers the door, face lined and sad, and his eyes narrow when he sees Tegoshi.
"Jin," Tegoshi says.
"He's sick."
"I know."
"Every time you come he's so drained when you leave."
"I know."
They stare at each other long enough to make you start fidgeting and you tug at Tegoshi's sleeve, but he twitches his arm without looking. Finally, Jin takes a step back and opens the door wide before walking away stiffly. You enter behind Tegoshi and take in the view of the small home, just one big room, really, but it seems perfect for the two men side-by-side, Jin sitting next to a man who must be Pi, holding his hand and looking at him like he's his whole world. You follow Tegoshi, come close to the bed and you can see that Pi must have been striking once, and though his face is ravaged by time and sickness now, he still has that same glow Tegoshi exudes, only so much more dimly.
Tegoshi sits to the other side of Pi and takes his hand between both of his own. "Pi," he whispers, and smiles tenderly at him.
Pi just smiles and squeezes his fingers.
"It's not too late," Tegoshi says, but Pi just shakes his head.
Tegoshi's eyes flick guiltily toward Jin then back. "You know what you're giving up. Please don't do this." His voice catches on 'please' and you force yourself to stay still.
You wonder if Jin knows everything, knows what Pi has given up for him. You wonder if he hates Tegoshi for trying to take away their last moments together.
"I can't," Pi finally says, emotion thickening his cracked voice. "I don't want to live without him anyway. An eternity without him I-" his voice breaks there and he can't go on and Jin is bringing Pi's withered hand to his lips and murmuring softly to him.
Giving up eternity because he can't live without his other half. You don't understand the depth of the feelings, find yourself jealous of it.
Tegoshi bows his head over Pi's hand and a tear finally snakes its way over the bridge of his nose to land on their joined hands and you watch it as it rolls down toward Tegoshi's wrist.
"All right," he whispers, and you almost don't hear him, but you see the relief in Jin's eyes, in Pi's.
Your eye itches and you bring your hand up to scratch only to encounter wetness.
Shige brushed at his eyes and looked up. Marking the page with his finger, he closed the book and took a deep breath to ease the slight ache in his chest. This was certainly not what he'd been expecting from this book. Reading in second person had never been his favorite, but this had drawn him in and he was uncomfortable with the way it made him feel. Unable to make up his mind, he stared off into space and let his mind blank until, properly marking the page, he set the book aside and went to reheat his tea. "Accidentally" finding something to distract himself with was too easy, and it wasn't until hours later that he found himself being distracted by what he was trying not think about in the first place, suddenly finding himself running fingertips over the cover when he was supposed to be passing. Sighing, he sank down onto the couch and hauled the book into his lap and opened it again.
You watch him stand and lean over Pi to press a kiss to his withered brow, watch him give the dying star
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one final, unreadable look before walking out, and you duck your head at the two men who aren't even looking at you and leave.
Tegoshi could send you home right away, but he doesn't, instead walking ahead slowly and letting you follow.
You carefully ask Tegoshi if he's okay, page 22.
You stop walking and wait for him to notice. You have questions for him, page 427.
You follow him silently, page 83.
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The silence is edged with grief even you can feel and you are unwilling to break it, allowing him some semblance of privacy as he thinks, but you know he's also taking strength from your presence, so you wait for him to speak, if he wants to.
He doesn't, and you walk like that for a long time until he pauses to let you catch up and tangles your fingers together. And when he sends you back, he leans up to brush his lips over your cheek in silent thanks.
You fall asleep with your fingers pressed to your cheek and dream of Tegoshi crying starlight.
When you wake, there's nothing, as usual, to tell you it was real, but you know.
It had been a long time since Shige had last stayed up so late doing something other than work, and he regretted it for the way it made his head pound in the morning, so deep not even espresso could chase it away.
"Looking chipper, Kato," his coworker quipped and Shige scowled at him in answer, though that did nothing to keep him from hanging over the edge of his cubicle and grinning mischievously. "Have a bit too much to drink?"
"No. Go 'way."
Ninomiya made kissy faces at him and sauntered off, and Shige was sure that wouldn't be the last he'd see of him today. He liked to find people at their weakest states and then get them. He had to admit that usually it was pretty funny… when it wasn't him, but he was especially against it today.
Unfortunately, his mind kept drifting back to the story, leaving him staring hopelessly off into space and Ninomiya took advantage of his distraction more than once. It made him huffy and irritated that he was so spacey over a choose-your-own-adventure, no matter how prettily it was bound or movingly written or peopled by such… Ninomiya moved in his periphery and he stopped that train of thought and hurried himself with packing his bag.
By the time he got home, Shige was tightly wound, the muscles of his neck and upper back painfully tense, and he found himself yearning for the peaceful tranquility of the book. Loosening his tie, he stared at the thick tome for a moment before forcing himself to pass it. He needed to change and eat, at least.
Not even an hour later, he tucked himself into the corner of the couch and pulled the book into his lap.
72
You follow Tegoshi through a city unlike any you've ever seen. Shining, colored, crystalline towers rise all around you, so graceful and delicate you're afraid to accidentally touch them, which only increases the feeling of being hulking and awkward, and yet it's so beautiful you can't help but be awed and enjoy the serenity such splendor brings. Somehow, Tegoshi, though not too much smaller than you, seems to fit the feel, the sharp angles of his cheekbones, shoulder blades, hips, looking fragile and you smile at the deception. The people around you are tall, much taller than even you, limbs long and willowy, like beautifully spun glass. You wonder if they're deceptively strong, too, but keep your hands to yourself. No one looks at the two of you, though you know you must stand out, and you wonder what they see when they look where you are.
Tegoshi takes you to the top of one of the towers, rising up floor by floor on a glass disc that has no propulsion you can see, and no rails. You cling to Tegoshi shamelessly and his laughter echoes off the building and drops below, tempting you to look down to follow it, but you know better. Standing together at the top, you look out over the city, sharp, bright crystal spikes all around for miles catching the light and refracting everywhere and it reminds you of a kaleidoscope. He lets you watch, never in a rush, though he wanders around the top, himself, and finally you tear your eyes away from the view to look at him.
"Where are we going?"
Tegoshi stops and turns, scans the skyline and points. You follow his finger and nod and let him take you back down to ground level, through the streets, halfway up another tower and into a room. You've watched Tegoshi do this so many times and it's a little different for every star, Tegoshi says. Sometimes he talks to them, sometimes he touches them, sometimes they never even know he's there. Sometimes they argue, sometimes cry, often there is disbelief, and sometimes relief because they had always felt wrong in their own skin, like they just didn't belong and never knew why.
A girl sits staring out at the city, and something in you tells you that she's one of those last kind. For a confused moment you think about why you would believe that, but then Tegoshi is tapping her on the shoulder and smiling kindly at her. She doesn't look scared, just puzzled and she tilts her head in question. In reply, he gently cups her cheeks in both hands and touches their foreheads together and then she's crying, high, fragile notes made staccato by her heaving chest.
"I've been so afraid," she says, and Tegoshi nods.
"You don't have to be afraid anymore. Just close your eyes."
You don't know what happens next. You've never seen the transition, only felt it - a sudden swelling feeling, too much pressure all over your skin and an indescribable heat,
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blinding brightness and then you're coming to to Tegoshi's fingers on your face.
"Too much for your human body," he says, and shakes his head, smiling ruefully. He always says that with the same regretful smile but he always brushes off your questions about it, so you've stopped asking. You haven't stopped wondering.
The two of you sit in front of the window in silence and you think, as you always do, of the people who will miss her and whether it was worth giving up. She certainly seemed like she was happy about it. They weren't all.
Tegoshi is in high spirits, as he is after he's saved a star, and he makes you chase him around the city, between people and things, until you're breathless with laughter, collapsed together against a tower, limbs tangled artlessly together. It feels strange being surrounded and not seen, intimate and private and so wide-open. When he rests his full weight against you, laughter still bubbling out of him, you feel strangely complete.
Koyama watched with raised eyebrows as Shige reduced his napkin to tiny shreds as he spoke. When he reached for another napkin seemingly without notice, Koyama placed his hand over Shige's and pushed it to the tabletop.
"Shige."
Shige focused on Koyama's hand and then the former napkin and looked sheepishly at his best friend.
"What's wrong? I haven't seen you this agitated since your last finals two years ago. Is there a test at work or something?" He grinned teasingly at him.
Yanking his hand away, Shige wrinkled his nose. "No."
Koyama waited expectantly, smiling a little, clearly expecting it to be just another one of those things Shige stresses over, and Shige didn't want to spill. It sounded crazy to him; it would sound even stranger to someone who hadn't read the book. Because now he was finding his every thought filled with it, the pull so strong he virtually ached, somewhere inside he was beginning to suspect was his heart. But this was Koyama and he needed to tell someone and Koyama already thought he was a little crazy. So he told him, the words tripping over each other to get out first; the stars, the worlds, the peace, … Tegoshi, how he'd started to identify a little too much with the character, so much it was beginning to scare him, and Koyama stopped smiling and started looking grave, nodding as Shige spoke and, finally, stuttered into silence.
His stomach twisted and he knew he was blushing, but he couldn't take his eyes off Koyama, watching him nibbling his bottom lip in thought, waiting. Then Koyama nodded to himself.
"Take a few days off work and finish the book."
"What? We just had New Years a week ago."
"So? It's not really busy right now, right? I'm sure you could get a few days. You haven't taken any vacation days since you started working there, I know. Maybe this is your brain telling you that you work too much. I tend to agree with it." He smiled. "Take a few days off, Shige. Relax. Finish your book. You'll feel better for it."
Instead, Shige tried to ignore the book. Told himself that if he could just keep from reading it for a few days, it would break whatever weird hold it had over him. He was wrong. In a last-ditch effort he spent two nights at a hotel just so he wouldn't have to see it. When even that didn't shake the fever, he went home in a foul mood, grabbing the book up and flopping down to read without even changing out of his suit.
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You can tell this one will be/has been difficult. He is older, maybe late 40s with a wife and children, and Tegoshi has decided to work his way into friendship with the gruff man rather than approach him directly, though you're obviously coming in on the tail end of things. When the two of you approached the small house, the man had smiled widely at Tegoshi until he noticed you and narrowed his eyes a little, not relenting even once Tegoshi had introduced you.
There had been a bit of stiff bowing, but now that he is surrounded by his children he is laughing happily, showering praise on them and laughing at them as they rough-play together, Tegoshi right in there with them while you and Ryo's wife watch with smiles. Your smile disappears when you see Tegoshi watching Ryo closely.
It's late before you know it, and Ryo is walking with you and Tegoshi along the river that passes by his house, surrounded by dark and starlight. The cicadas are loud in the warm evening and the three of you stop at a pile of large rocks to sprawl over them and look up. The stars are extremely bright and you admire them in the quiet.
"They're so beautiful," Ryo murmurs in an awed voice, and there's that kinship you sometimes feel from them, opening up now that he's away from his family and encircled by the stars.
Tegoshi looks thoughtful and opens his mouth to speak.
You interrupt him, page 367.
You let him speak, page 98.
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"Oh man. I'm tired," you say, yawning and ignoring Tegoshi's confused look. "I think we should go, Tegoshi. Ryo needs to put his kids to bed, after all."
Tegoshi stares evenly at you for a moment. "Of course, how rude of me," he says, eyeing you. "I'll come again, Ryo."
Ryo looks like he's about to protest but then he yawns too and sort of smiles sheepishly at Tegoshi. You watch him walk back to the house, suddenly nervous because you can feel Tegoshi's eyes on you still.
"What's wrong?" he asks, voice neutral, sitting up and clasping his arms around thin knees.
"Doesn't it seem wrong to you? He loves his children. Making him choose is painful."
"I…" He closes his mouth and bites his lip.
You stand and turn away, looking out into the night.
"You think I like making them choose? I don't." And his voice sounds strained.
You hear movement and then slim arms wrap around your waist from behind, Tegoshi's cheek presses between your shoulder blades, and you stiffen. That only makes him squeeze tighter until you relax.
"It's hard for me, too," he says, voice muffled by your shirt. "But they have to know. They have the right to choose, even if they choose not to do so, waiting until it's too late. Maybe Ryo will do that. I don't know… It's so hard sometimes…" He sounds lost.
You continue to be aloof, page 120.
You turn around and apologize, page 34.
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You ignore the obvious plea in his voice and clench your fists at your sides. "Maybe some people don't want their lives complicated like that," you say quietly. "Maybe they'd just rather not have a choice."
It feels suddenly cold when Tegoshi withdraws his arms and you finally turn around to look at him to read the disbelief in his eyes, watch his face crumple and then reform into an expression of anger.
"You've never minded before," he tells you imperiously. "If you didn't want to come today, you shouldn't have." Then he's pressing both hands against your chest, so hot they burn, and pushing and it's never been violent like this, your skin turning inside out and peeling off as you pass back into your room and collapse, gasping and shaking and freezing, onto the floor.
Shige stood suddenly, the book sliding off his lap and landing on the floor with a loud thump, and grabbed his chest, shuddering. What. The. Hell. He paced back and forth, trying to calm his zinging nerves. It was just a coincidence that the book echoed his thoughts of hating complications he hadn't asked for or wanted. They were about totally different situations. He stopped pacing to stare at the book, remembered the feel of arms wrapping warmly around his waist and the muffled sound of lost desperation, and turned away numbly, going straight to bed to dream of wounded eyes and burning pain.
He must have really looked like shit for Ninomiya to have taken one look at him that morning and offered to go buy him a coffee and breakfast sandwich.
He spent the next few days staring uncomfortably at the book and edging around it, afraid to face Tegoshi, afraid that he was afraid of facing a character in a book, confused, guilt-ridden.
"Make up with him," Koyama said reasonably over lunch, and Shige was overwhelmed with gratitude and affection for his best friend, who was willing to overlook his insanity in his endeavor to truly help. "I'm sure the story must provide for that. Or… I guess you could go back, right? Do you remember the page number?"
"I don't want to," Shige mumbled, embarrassed, and Koyama tilted his head and looked at him thoughtfully.
"Always taking the consequences for your actions, Shige. You're so good and I'd like to smack you for being overly noble sometimes…" He shrugged and smiled affectionately at him. "But that's what makes you you, I guess."
That evening, Shige went home late, ate dinner, showered, got everything ready for work the next day, and then stood in front of his couch, looking at the book, right where he'd left it days ago, before finally sitting carefully down and taking it into his hands.
You come awake, trembling with something you can't identify. Part fear, part anticipation, part relief. You haven't felt the call in weeks and it was so light tonight, tentative and part of you wanted to ignore it, but you couldn't, coming awake and scrambling on shaky limbs toward the mirror to stand in front of it, heart beating so fast. Tegoshi is on the other side, shrouded in darkness and you place shaking hands against the mirror and let him pull you through.
"I'm sorry," you both say at the same time, falling against each other and wrapping around one another. Then one of you giggles and you're both laughing and you're glad because it hides your trembling, and your tears, better than the half-darkness.
Eventually you untangle your limbs but not your fingers, lacing them tighter together as you walk through the lightly wooded area. It's a bit cool, and the crunch of dried leaves under your feet tells you it's autumn here, and when you come to an open area, Tegoshi pulls you down with him until you're lying side-by-side over the crinkling leaves. You move around a bit just to hear them rustle, and smile. Your smile grows wider when Tegoshi cuddles up and lays his head on your chest, and you bring your arm up around his waist.
"What are we doing tonight?" you ask, because while you would rather not have to move, there's always been some other reason.
"Nothing." Tegoshi rises up on his elbow so he can look you in the eyes. There's something unreadable in his expression that makes you nervous, and you lick your lips uncertainly. "Is that okay?"
You smile at that, because it actually sounds like a request, and Tegoshi never asks. "That's okay."
Star-gazing never used to be so consuming, you think, before you met Tegoshi, and the two of you watch in silence, sharing body-heat.
"What did he choose?" you finally ask and feel Tegoshi shift a little against you. "He's chosen by now, hasn't he?"
"Our time isn't the same," Tegoshi reminds you. "But he chooses, yes."
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You want to ask again, make him say it more clearly, but the way he's evading means that Ryo chose to give it all up. Or gain it all back, you suppose, depending on which side you're looking from. Maybe both. You really don't want to push those buttons again so soon, so you just tighten your arm around him.
"How come… how come you can do this? Aren't stars supposed to be stationary?"
Tegoshi giggles against your neck and you shiver. "It took you this long to ask that question? I thought you were smart."
"Hey," you protest weakly. "I was too busy being wowed probably. I mean, it's not every day a person gets to see this. Why me, anyway?"
Tegoshi pauses, then says false-cheerfully, "You don't even get to see all of it. You should see some of the extremes I have to go to. And I can't take you with me to catch the stars that don't turn human. Your human mind couldn't take it even if your human body could. I'm a busy star."
"Why you?"
Tegoshi rolls onto his back and you immediately miss his warmth.
"Because I'm falling," he says at last. "I'm special and I'm falling. The two of us always are alternating, so that there is always someone to catch the falling stars."
"But who will catch you?" you ask, a little horrified.
"My soulmate. He always does. We always save each other." He had started off confident but his voice shakes by the end.
You sit up quickly. "Tegoshi," you say sternly, looking down at him, and he turns his face to the side. "This is serious. Tell me what you're not saying."
He closes his eyes and you trace his profile with your gaze, waiting. "He's falling too," he whispers. "He's falling and I can't catch him."
You stare at him in shock for a moment before scrubbing a hand through your hair and facing forward, pulling your knees to your chest, wrapping your arms around and resting your chin on them. "What happens if you don't catch him?"
"…The universe implodes," he says sitting up next to you and tilting his head cutely at you, smiling shakily.
"…That's not funny."
Tegoshi just laughs, and you frown and poke him in the side. "I hope you're joking."
"I'll catch him," Tegoshi says with certainty. "I have to." He raises his eyes to the stars again and shivers. "We've just never fallen so closely together before."
How could you compete with that? And you're a bit surprised because you've never admitted to yourself that you even wanted to try. "You love him," you say, more for yourself, and aren't surprised by
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Tegoshi's exasperated look.
"We're soulmates."
"Yeah. …Yeah."
"It'll be fine."
"I know. I just… don't like to think of not being able to… be with you anymore." Tegoshi is silent and you flush, looking over and opening your mouth to apologize, but you're stopped by the look in his eyes. You experience a slow shudder, like icy water is creeping down your back, and your faces are so close and you lean in without even thinking.
Tegoshi slides his cheek next to yours and presses them together before flopping back down. "Don't worry. We'll be together as long as you're alive," he says flippantly, but there's steel behind the tone.
You bite your lip before lying down again and letting him curl against you, trying not to think.
Shige came awake suddenly, confused by the darkness, and instinctually pulled himself out of bed to trudge over to the mirror. He wasn't there and Shige looked around in confusion. He was certain Tegoshi had been calling, but when he touched his fingers to the mirror nothing happened. Shige blinked, looking around his room and then felt his face burn in embarrassment and helplessness as he realized what had happened. He cried himself to sleep in frustration.
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"I'm not perfect," Tegoshi says, laughing, and you snort.
"I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"Come on. Come with me," he asks, pouting and turning on the charm. "I need your help."
You reluctantly agree, 272.
You stay behind, 194.
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You're not ready to watch another choice. It's making you tired, helpless… jealous. You fight with yourself too often now. It's not your choice and yet you'd make it but you can't. "Not this time, Tegoshi. Please," you plead, suddenly overwhelmed. "I'll wait here. I don't want to go back, I just can't watch. Please." You need distance.
Tegoshi seems to understand. He nods and steps back, turns and walks away without another word, and you watch him go. You're not sure how long you wait, tossing pebbles in the dying light, but you feel like something is wrong. You stand and start walking the way Tegoshi went, the wrongness gripping you more and more until you're running, stumbling, full-out.
You see the house in the distance and trip over something. You look back and see an unfamiliar body surrounded by a pool of blood, face gone pale in death and you retch, turn desperately and look, run toward the house. "No! Nonono…" Fear claws through you and you see Tegoshi, then, half-in, half-out the doorway, on his stomach, a long smear of blood behind him, and you drop to your knees beside him to haul him into your lap.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles, eyes still closed, and you can barely make out the words. "I couldn't… catch…"
"No! Tegoshi, no." Your voice catches in your throat and a hysterical sob bubbles up and out.
A star dies.
The End.
"Fuck!" Shige shoved the book off his lap and jumped off the couch, swiping furiously at his eyes and stalking manically around his living room. He couldn't stop the tears - they kept building until he was crying so hard he threw up, arms wrapped around the edges of his sink. He looked up at the mirror, at his blotchy face and snarled. Violently turning on the tap, he rinsed out his mouth and splashed his face with the cold water.
Back in the living room, he stalked the book, circling it with red-rimmed eyes. Finally, he snatched it up and opened it back to the first page, skimming the first couple paragraphs.
"You took a long time today," Tegoshi says, still smiling.
"I was having a good dream."
"Was I in it?" he asks cutely.
"No," you tell him, but it's not true.
He knows you're lying and he grins, the sight making your heart turn over oddly. "Wasn't any good, then."
He's there. He's there. Not dead. But he watched him die and he's not dead.
Shige carefully closed the book and placed it on the table before going calmly to his room and packing a bag.
"Koyama?" he asked, cell phone pressed between his shoulder and ear as he stood on the platform waiting for the train. "I'm taking that vacation. I'm going home. I'll talk to you in a few days." Koyama started to ask something, worry lacing his voice, but Shige hung up and waited patiently.
His mother greeted him with an exuberant shriek and he couldn't help but smile as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He let himself lean into her, breathing in the familiar scent of home and smiling into her hair. "I'm home," he said.
"You should have called!" she reprimanded him, but she was too happy for it to sting. "Wait until your father sees you're here. You haven't been home in a year!" That time she did sort of glare at him but he just laughed and she was smiling again.
She made his favorite foods as he and his father sat on the porch and talked a little. They never had too much to say, but it felt good just having him there. He felt almost full again as they drank their warm sake and talked about the state of the nation, baseball, and the kids next door.
After dinner, his mom showed him her new hobby, hat-making, and took one off of a shelf, a light-grey gatsby, and handed it to him shyly. "I meant to send this to you earlier, but I kept putting it off. But you're here now."
He grinned as he pulled it on and wore it all night.
Long after his parents had gone to sleep, Shige laid in bed, thinking about nothing, but he couldn't fall asleep. Rolling out of bed, he pulled on a jacket and his hat and quietly made his way to the front door, slipping on his shoes and stepping outside. He spent hours staring up into the sky and not thinking, before finally making his way back to bed.
He called Koyama the next morning. "Sorry I missed your calls."
"Are you all right, Shige?"
"I'm fine. I just needed to be someplace familiar."
There was a long pause. "You work too hard sometimes. Make sure you relax properly, okay?"
"I will."
He spent the whole day with his mother, gardening, cooking and cleaning, trading jokes and shopping.
"Are you okay, honey?" she asked him as they looked over some fabric at a back-street craft shop.
"I'm fine," he said, smiling serenely.
"You just seem a bit… forced. You know if you need a rest, it's okay to just come home and recharge." She pulls him into a hug.
"Mooom, not in public," he whined and pushed at her.
She laughed and hugged him tighter for a moment before letting go. "I'm just saying. Your father and I don't need you to do anything special. We just love you."
Shige felt his lip tremble a little and scratched his nose. "I just need to appreciate what I have, is all."
She watched him carefully the rest of the day.
"Are you serious?" Shige asked, guffawing into the phone and sprawling across his bed. "What did he say?"
"He said, 'That's nice, but I'm not into guys,'" Koyama relayed, giggling.
"Talk about a misunderstanding."
They laughed themselves into silence and then Shige said, "Koyama, I want to thank you for being my friend for so long. I love you, I hope you know that."
"I will be your friend forever, Shige."
"Until death do us part," Shige said, and giggled.
"Are you proposing? Because… that's nice, but I'm not into guys." That started them laughing again and they talked until Koyama fell asleep on the line, light snoring making Shige snicker affectionately as he hung up.
He was awake long into the night, sitting at his window in the dark and staring out into the night. Eventually he turned his head and looked dully toward his bag and stood, moving to kneel in front of it. He carefully removed his things until his hand brushed familiar pebbled leather and he pressed his palm against it until it warmed under his hand. His heart ached and he could feel the frustration building, the frustration he'd been suppressing for two days. He stood abruptly and moved to stand in front of the full-length mirror in his room, eyes closed, and tentatively reached out his fingers, so slowly, until they pressed up against the glass. Only then did he look up, opening his eyes to see only himself. Sighing, he pushed them harder against the mirror and dragged them to the side, smudging across the surface as he turned away. He took the book from his bag and settled on his bed, turning on the lamp and leaning back, opening to the beginning and making a fresh start.
He woke up, neck stiff and back aching, book open on his lap and his mother smiling down at him.
"Ready for breakfast, honey? Or would you like to sleep properly?"
"Breakfast," he grated, and then cleared his throat.
She turned to leave and he stopped her, holding the book up. "Mom. This book. I got it for high school graduation. Do you remember who gave it to me?"
Giving it a thoughtful look, she considered a moment and shook her head. "I don't remember, honey. You got a lot of books." She ruffled his hair and left.
He wasn't sure what he was looking for as he spent the day in various places around the house, reading, his mother keeping his water filled and bringing him snacks.
"Mom," he said, taking her wrist as she moved away. "I love you."
She bit her lip and turned to him, going to her knees and taking his hands in hers. "I don't know what's going on, Shigeaki, but I love you, too. And if I can help you, tell me.
He wished she could. He nodded and went back to reading. That night he sat outside in the cold on the grass and stared at the sky. "Tegoshi," he said. "I need you to call me."
He returned to Tokyo frustrated, floating along in a weird half-way - body here, mind there. No one satisfied.
"Shige," Koyama said, tapping his arm. "You're staring into space again."
Shige smiled carefully, watching his reflection in the glass. "Sorry," he said, finally tearing his eyes away to look at his friend.
Every reflective surface he passed drew his attention.
You come awake suddenly, confused by the darkness, and instinctually pull yourself out of bed to trudge over to the mirror. He isn't there and you look around in confusion. You were certain Tegoshi had been calling, but when you touch your fingers to the mirror nothing happens.
He continued to read through every scenario in the book, searching for an answer or release, but there seemed to be no end to the possibilities and they filled his waking and sleeping hours, seeping and blending together.
"What are you thinking about?" Tegoshi asks, nudging your shoulder playfully.
"You," you reply and smile.
"You're losing weight," Masuda told him, pushing a pork bun at him. "He's losing weight, right Koyama?"
"Definitely. Let's have yakiniku tonight, Shige."
Shige bought an antique full-length mirror and kept it next to his bed and came awake at all hours of the night to stare into it hopefully before falling fitfully back to sleep.
"Where are you going?" Tegoshi asks you, tilting his head.
You smile at him. "To catch a falling star. Can't you feel it?"
Tegoshi's eyebrows raise and he smiles. "All of a sudden you're the expert now?"
"Guess so," you reply, and grin.
"Maybe you'll catch me," he says and smiles impishly, taking off like a shot and you chase him.
Shige stood abruptly, chest tightening with sudden and urgent need, and Koyama looked up, startled. "Where are you going, Shige?"
"To catch a falling star," he said and grinned wildly, Koyama's shouted concerns falling on deaf ears as he rushed away.
He made his way to Yoyogi Park, pushing through crowds without responding to or acknowledging angry remarks. Though it was too dark, he walked off the beaten track and into the trees, following an instinct he knew all too well, before stopping suddenly. A man stood in a clearing, surrounded by a soft glow, looking up. Shige's eyes fluttered shut, anticipation and fear and longing building up so much he thought he might overflow all over the grass. "Tegoshi!" he yelled, and the man turned around and smiled brilliantly.
Shige ran the rest of the way and took him in his arms and finally kissed him, lips clashing harshly, bright sparks shooting between them everywhere they touched that made him tingle and shiver. "I'm here," he said, breathless, holding him close and refusing to let go.
"You took a long time, Shige," Tegoshi said cheekily, but the effect was ruined by the raw look in his eyes.
Shige ran his thumb along Tegoshi's jaw line and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Say that again…" he whispered against his skin.
Tegoshi hummed and shivered in his arms. "Shige?"
"Yeah," he replied, smiling. "You never said my name before but I always wanted you to."
Pulling back just enough to look up at him with wide, earnest eyes, Tegoshi said, "I never stopped calling you."
Shige laughed breathlessly and leaned down to capture his lips again, more gently this time, sliding their lips together softly before showering his face with small kisses.
Tegoshi's voice shook when he spoke again, a whisper, "I was afraid you wouldn't find me in time."
"I'm here now." He hugged Tegoshi close and laid his cheek against the top of Tegoshi's head.
"Are you ready?" Tegoshi asked, hand pressed against Shige's heart. "You know the choice."
"I always save you, don't I? You said so."
Tegoshi leaned up to kiss him one more time and pressed their foreheads together, breathed against his lips and then a sudden swelling feeling, too much pressure all over his skin and an indescribable heat, blinding brightness and then…
-=-
I can finally see
That you're right there beside me.
I am not my own,
For I have been made new.
Please don't let me go.
I desperately need you.
-=-
From: sanjihan
SEASON'S GREETINGS!
Title: To Catch A Falling Star
Pairing/Group: Shige/Tegoshi
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: AU. Embedded second person narrative. Character death (but happy ending.) Slight angst.
Notes: mugiwara-shojo, I really loved writing this for you, and I hope it makes you happy. Lyrics at end from Owl City's "Meteor Shower."
Summary: Some books make you laugh. Some make you cry. Some make you think. But some books change your life.
-=-
The book was a gift, given years ago as a graduation present for high school, though he couldn't recall the giver, and he'd kept it because it was so beautifully bound. Pebbled brown leather so soft to the touch and a little worn along the thick spine and corners - proof that someone had loved it well once. What with one thing or another, reading it had always been pushed to the side in favor of homework or hanging out with friends or work, when he'd gotten a job and joined the army of salarymen in Tokyo. Now, six years after the fact, Shige stood in front of the bookshelf, finger running up the spine and he hooked a finger over the lip of the binding, tilting it forward as he thought. It was New Years and his parents were in Osaka, visiting family. No one expected Shige to come. He was grown-up now, with grown-up responsibilities and a job that didn't care about holidays. Not much, anyway. All it meant was that he had a few hours to himself at night for a couple days.
Strangely, he felt sort of shy, touching this book he'd so tenderly run his hands over so many times but never opened. He laughed at himself and in a fit of decision pulled it off the shelf, hefting its considerable weight in both hands and nodding. Never a better time than now. He laid the book on the couch and made a cup of tea, grabbing a blanket from his room as it steeped and then carried his cup and cover to the couch and arranged himself, lifting the book into his lap, opening it, licking his finger and turning the first page.
1
The room is cold, you can feel it against your face though you're safely cocooned in your blankets, and sleep slows your thoughts and movements. You still. Wonder why you've awoken. Indistinct thoughts play across your mind and you can't chase them until suddenly you remember, and your lips curve up in pleasure. He called for you, so you woke, and you force yourself to untangle your limbs from the sheets, anticipation lending mobility and chasing the slumber from your body. The icy touch of the hardwood floor against the just-warm soles of your feet runs up your spine like a shock, and you struggle to stop your teeth from chattering as you cross to the mirror and stand before it.
He's there, his small, slim figure bright against the dark background and you wonder where he is. He sees you and smiles, reaches out his hand and you press your fingers against the cool glass, through it, and he takes your hand and pulls. You pass through with an icy shudder, into summery warmth and the smooth feel of his hand in yours. When he takes both your hands in his own and brings them to his mouth to cup them between his and blow warm breath over them, you shudder, and he smiles mischievously before rubbing them and letting you pull away.
"You took a long time today," Tegoshi says, still smiling.
"I was having a good dream."
"Was I in it?" he asks cutely.
"No," you tell him, but it's not true.
He knows you're lying and he grins, the sight making your heart turn over oddly. "Wasn't any good, then." He doesn't give you time to do anything but splutter as he turns and strides away, looking over his shoulder and saying excitedly, "Come on!"
As though you'd do anything but.
The walk is long but not arduous as you pass through a moonlit glade, the silvery light not fully accounting for the soft glow that surrounds Tegoshi, and you stumble a few times because you can't quite tear your eyes away. He could have pulled you through anywhere but he chose to walk with you, even though he's several paces ahead, and the thought makes you smile.
"Where are we going?" you ask.
"To see a friend."
Your brow wrinkles as you think about this. He's never done anything like this before. It's always been 'business,' no matter how pleasant, and you wonder why today is different. Tegoshi slows until he's beside you and your hands brush together, sending electric tingles up your arm until he takes your hand in his.
2
"We're going to see Pi."
"Is Pi a star?" you ask, because you still don't understand.
Tegoshi's fingers tighten around your own and he nods. "Do you believe in soulmates?"
"Soulmates? I don't know," you reply and wonder why he asks.
"All stars have soulmates," Tegoshi says seriously, "and since time is nothing to them, they have eternity to find them, chase them across galaxies. Pi's soulmate, though, is a human. No one knows how it happened, but it doesn't matter. He's the only star ever to fall on purpose, before his time, so he could be with him." Tegoshi sighs. "I don't blame him, but you know that stars, once they're in human form, when they die as humans, they die for good. There is no rebirth if I can't find them and free them. Usually it's not so difficult. When stars accidentally fall and become humans, they forget themselves. Once I show them what they are, they typically come over with no problem. But Pi already knows what's happened and has chosen to stay anyway. But he's dying." He turns pained eyes to you and you know what he's saying. If Pi dies like this, he can't come back.
"You've been to see him before."
Tegoshi nods. "He always turns me away. But now that he's dying…" He slows to a stop and looks up at the night sky. There are tears building in his eyes and you let go of his hand to wrap your arms around him, press a palm in the hollow between sharp shoulder blades and rest the other against the dip in his spine and hold him close. His cheek is warm against your chest and as much as you hate to see him hurting, you're grateful, too, to suddenly find this chink in his armor. He's always so strong despite being so fragile in appearance and it makes you hold him more tightly.
"You think he'll say no?"
"I know he will. He won't leave his soulmate, even if it means death. But I have to try."
You stand there a moment longer in the balmy air until he gently disengages, swiping at his eyes before grabbing your hand again and moving forward.
After a while, you're starting to feel a bit out of breath and your palm is uncomfortably sweaty and you're torn between letting his hand go to wipe it on your shirt and not wanting to disrupt the feel, when he suddenly stops and points.
"There it is," he says, and that's when you notice the small building set amidst the trees, at the edge of a small pool of glassy water.
He picks up the pace and in no time you're at the door and Tegoshi is knocking, fierce determination on
3
his face. An old man answers the door, face lined and sad, and his eyes narrow when he sees Tegoshi.
"Jin," Tegoshi says.
"He's sick."
"I know."
"Every time you come he's so drained when you leave."
"I know."
They stare at each other long enough to make you start fidgeting and you tug at Tegoshi's sleeve, but he twitches his arm without looking. Finally, Jin takes a step back and opens the door wide before walking away stiffly. You enter behind Tegoshi and take in the view of the small home, just one big room, really, but it seems perfect for the two men side-by-side, Jin sitting next to a man who must be Pi, holding his hand and looking at him like he's his whole world. You follow Tegoshi, come close to the bed and you can see that Pi must have been striking once, and though his face is ravaged by time and sickness now, he still has that same glow Tegoshi exudes, only so much more dimly.
Tegoshi sits to the other side of Pi and takes his hand between both of his own. "Pi," he whispers, and smiles tenderly at him.
Pi just smiles and squeezes his fingers.
"It's not too late," Tegoshi says, but Pi just shakes his head.
Tegoshi's eyes flick guiltily toward Jin then back. "You know what you're giving up. Please don't do this." His voice catches on 'please' and you force yourself to stay still.
You wonder if Jin knows everything, knows what Pi has given up for him. You wonder if he hates Tegoshi for trying to take away their last moments together.
"I can't," Pi finally says, emotion thickening his cracked voice. "I don't want to live without him anyway. An eternity without him I-" his voice breaks there and he can't go on and Jin is bringing Pi's withered hand to his lips and murmuring softly to him.
Giving up eternity because he can't live without his other half. You don't understand the depth of the feelings, find yourself jealous of it.
Tegoshi bows his head over Pi's hand and a tear finally snakes its way over the bridge of his nose to land on their joined hands and you watch it as it rolls down toward Tegoshi's wrist.
"All right," he whispers, and you almost don't hear him, but you see the relief in Jin's eyes, in Pi's.
Your eye itches and you bring your hand up to scratch only to encounter wetness.
Shige brushed at his eyes and looked up. Marking the page with his finger, he closed the book and took a deep breath to ease the slight ache in his chest. This was certainly not what he'd been expecting from this book. Reading in second person had never been his favorite, but this had drawn him in and he was uncomfortable with the way it made him feel. Unable to make up his mind, he stared off into space and let his mind blank until, properly marking the page, he set the book aside and went to reheat his tea. "Accidentally" finding something to distract himself with was too easy, and it wasn't until hours later that he found himself being distracted by what he was trying not think about in the first place, suddenly finding himself running fingertips over the cover when he was supposed to be passing. Sighing, he sank down onto the couch and hauled the book into his lap and opened it again.
You watch him stand and lean over Pi to press a kiss to his withered brow, watch him give the dying star
4
one final, unreadable look before walking out, and you duck your head at the two men who aren't even looking at you and leave.
Tegoshi could send you home right away, but he doesn't, instead walking ahead slowly and letting you follow.
You carefully ask Tegoshi if he's okay, page 22.
You stop walking and wait for him to notice. You have questions for him, page 427.
You follow him silently, page 83.
83
The silence is edged with grief even you can feel and you are unwilling to break it, allowing him some semblance of privacy as he thinks, but you know he's also taking strength from your presence, so you wait for him to speak, if he wants to.
He doesn't, and you walk like that for a long time until he pauses to let you catch up and tangles your fingers together. And when he sends you back, he leans up to brush his lips over your cheek in silent thanks.
You fall asleep with your fingers pressed to your cheek and dream of Tegoshi crying starlight.
When you wake, there's nothing, as usual, to tell you it was real, but you know.
It had been a long time since Shige had last stayed up so late doing something other than work, and he regretted it for the way it made his head pound in the morning, so deep not even espresso could chase it away.
"Looking chipper, Kato," his coworker quipped and Shige scowled at him in answer, though that did nothing to keep him from hanging over the edge of his cubicle and grinning mischievously. "Have a bit too much to drink?"
"No. Go 'way."
Ninomiya made kissy faces at him and sauntered off, and Shige was sure that wouldn't be the last he'd see of him today. He liked to find people at their weakest states and then get them. He had to admit that usually it was pretty funny… when it wasn't him, but he was especially against it today.
Unfortunately, his mind kept drifting back to the story, leaving him staring hopelessly off into space and Ninomiya took advantage of his distraction more than once. It made him huffy and irritated that he was so spacey over a choose-your-own-adventure, no matter how prettily it was bound or movingly written or peopled by such… Ninomiya moved in his periphery and he stopped that train of thought and hurried himself with packing his bag.
By the time he got home, Shige was tightly wound, the muscles of his neck and upper back painfully tense, and he found himself yearning for the peaceful tranquility of the book. Loosening his tie, he stared at the thick tome for a moment before forcing himself to pass it. He needed to change and eat, at least.
Not even an hour later, he tucked himself into the corner of the couch and pulled the book into his lap.
72
You follow Tegoshi through a city unlike any you've ever seen. Shining, colored, crystalline towers rise all around you, so graceful and delicate you're afraid to accidentally touch them, which only increases the feeling of being hulking and awkward, and yet it's so beautiful you can't help but be awed and enjoy the serenity such splendor brings. Somehow, Tegoshi, though not too much smaller than you, seems to fit the feel, the sharp angles of his cheekbones, shoulder blades, hips, looking fragile and you smile at the deception. The people around you are tall, much taller than even you, limbs long and willowy, like beautifully spun glass. You wonder if they're deceptively strong, too, but keep your hands to yourself. No one looks at the two of you, though you know you must stand out, and you wonder what they see when they look where you are.
Tegoshi takes you to the top of one of the towers, rising up floor by floor on a glass disc that has no propulsion you can see, and no rails. You cling to Tegoshi shamelessly and his laughter echoes off the building and drops below, tempting you to look down to follow it, but you know better. Standing together at the top, you look out over the city, sharp, bright crystal spikes all around for miles catching the light and refracting everywhere and it reminds you of a kaleidoscope. He lets you watch, never in a rush, though he wanders around the top, himself, and finally you tear your eyes away from the view to look at him.
"Where are we going?"
Tegoshi stops and turns, scans the skyline and points. You follow his finger and nod and let him take you back down to ground level, through the streets, halfway up another tower and into a room. You've watched Tegoshi do this so many times and it's a little different for every star, Tegoshi says. Sometimes he talks to them, sometimes he touches them, sometimes they never even know he's there. Sometimes they argue, sometimes cry, often there is disbelief, and sometimes relief because they had always felt wrong in their own skin, like they just didn't belong and never knew why.
A girl sits staring out at the city, and something in you tells you that she's one of those last kind. For a confused moment you think about why you would believe that, but then Tegoshi is tapping her on the shoulder and smiling kindly at her. She doesn't look scared, just puzzled and she tilts her head in question. In reply, he gently cups her cheeks in both hands and touches their foreheads together and then she's crying, high, fragile notes made staccato by her heaving chest.
"I've been so afraid," she says, and Tegoshi nods.
"You don't have to be afraid anymore. Just close your eyes."
You don't know what happens next. You've never seen the transition, only felt it - a sudden swelling feeling, too much pressure all over your skin and an indescribable heat,
73
blinding brightness and then you're coming to to Tegoshi's fingers on your face.
"Too much for your human body," he says, and shakes his head, smiling ruefully. He always says that with the same regretful smile but he always brushes off your questions about it, so you've stopped asking. You haven't stopped wondering.
The two of you sit in front of the window in silence and you think, as you always do, of the people who will miss her and whether it was worth giving up. She certainly seemed like she was happy about it. They weren't all.
Tegoshi is in high spirits, as he is after he's saved a star, and he makes you chase him around the city, between people and things, until you're breathless with laughter, collapsed together against a tower, limbs tangled artlessly together. It feels strange being surrounded and not seen, intimate and private and so wide-open. When he rests his full weight against you, laughter still bubbling out of him, you feel strangely complete.
Koyama watched with raised eyebrows as Shige reduced his napkin to tiny shreds as he spoke. When he reached for another napkin seemingly without notice, Koyama placed his hand over Shige's and pushed it to the tabletop.
"Shige."
Shige focused on Koyama's hand and then the former napkin and looked sheepishly at his best friend.
"What's wrong? I haven't seen you this agitated since your last finals two years ago. Is there a test at work or something?" He grinned teasingly at him.
Yanking his hand away, Shige wrinkled his nose. "No."
Koyama waited expectantly, smiling a little, clearly expecting it to be just another one of those things Shige stresses over, and Shige didn't want to spill. It sounded crazy to him; it would sound even stranger to someone who hadn't read the book. Because now he was finding his every thought filled with it, the pull so strong he virtually ached, somewhere inside he was beginning to suspect was his heart. But this was Koyama and he needed to tell someone and Koyama already thought he was a little crazy. So he told him, the words tripping over each other to get out first; the stars, the worlds, the peace, … Tegoshi, how he'd started to identify a little too much with the character, so much it was beginning to scare him, and Koyama stopped smiling and started looking grave, nodding as Shige spoke and, finally, stuttered into silence.
His stomach twisted and he knew he was blushing, but he couldn't take his eyes off Koyama, watching him nibbling his bottom lip in thought, waiting. Then Koyama nodded to himself.
"Take a few days off work and finish the book."
"What? We just had New Years a week ago."
"So? It's not really busy right now, right? I'm sure you could get a few days. You haven't taken any vacation days since you started working there, I know. Maybe this is your brain telling you that you work too much. I tend to agree with it." He smiled. "Take a few days off, Shige. Relax. Finish your book. You'll feel better for it."
Instead, Shige tried to ignore the book. Told himself that if he could just keep from reading it for a few days, it would break whatever weird hold it had over him. He was wrong. In a last-ditch effort he spent two nights at a hotel just so he wouldn't have to see it. When even that didn't shake the fever, he went home in a foul mood, grabbing the book up and flopping down to read without even changing out of his suit.
175
You can tell this one will be/has been difficult. He is older, maybe late 40s with a wife and children, and Tegoshi has decided to work his way into friendship with the gruff man rather than approach him directly, though you're obviously coming in on the tail end of things. When the two of you approached the small house, the man had smiled widely at Tegoshi until he noticed you and narrowed his eyes a little, not relenting even once Tegoshi had introduced you.
There had been a bit of stiff bowing, but now that he is surrounded by his children he is laughing happily, showering praise on them and laughing at them as they rough-play together, Tegoshi right in there with them while you and Ryo's wife watch with smiles. Your smile disappears when you see Tegoshi watching Ryo closely.
It's late before you know it, and Ryo is walking with you and Tegoshi along the river that passes by his house, surrounded by dark and starlight. The cicadas are loud in the warm evening and the three of you stop at a pile of large rocks to sprawl over them and look up. The stars are extremely bright and you admire them in the quiet.
"They're so beautiful," Ryo murmurs in an awed voice, and there's that kinship you sometimes feel from them, opening up now that he's away from his family and encircled by the stars.
Tegoshi looks thoughtful and opens his mouth to speak.
You interrupt him, page 367.
You let him speak, page 98.
367
"Oh man. I'm tired," you say, yawning and ignoring Tegoshi's confused look. "I think we should go, Tegoshi. Ryo needs to put his kids to bed, after all."
Tegoshi stares evenly at you for a moment. "Of course, how rude of me," he says, eyeing you. "I'll come again, Ryo."
Ryo looks like he's about to protest but then he yawns too and sort of smiles sheepishly at Tegoshi. You watch him walk back to the house, suddenly nervous because you can feel Tegoshi's eyes on you still.
"What's wrong?" he asks, voice neutral, sitting up and clasping his arms around thin knees.
"Doesn't it seem wrong to you? He loves his children. Making him choose is painful."
"I…" He closes his mouth and bites his lip.
You stand and turn away, looking out into the night.
"You think I like making them choose? I don't." And his voice sounds strained.
You hear movement and then slim arms wrap around your waist from behind, Tegoshi's cheek presses between your shoulder blades, and you stiffen. That only makes him squeeze tighter until you relax.
"It's hard for me, too," he says, voice muffled by your shirt. "But they have to know. They have the right to choose, even if they choose not to do so, waiting until it's too late. Maybe Ryo will do that. I don't know… It's so hard sometimes…" He sounds lost.
You continue to be aloof, page 120.
You turn around and apologize, page 34.
120
You ignore the obvious plea in his voice and clench your fists at your sides. "Maybe some people don't want their lives complicated like that," you say quietly. "Maybe they'd just rather not have a choice."
It feels suddenly cold when Tegoshi withdraws his arms and you finally turn around to look at him to read the disbelief in his eyes, watch his face crumple and then reform into an expression of anger.
"You've never minded before," he tells you imperiously. "If you didn't want to come today, you shouldn't have." Then he's pressing both hands against your chest, so hot they burn, and pushing and it's never been violent like this, your skin turning inside out and peeling off as you pass back into your room and collapse, gasping and shaking and freezing, onto the floor.
Shige stood suddenly, the book sliding off his lap and landing on the floor with a loud thump, and grabbed his chest, shuddering. What. The. Hell. He paced back and forth, trying to calm his zinging nerves. It was just a coincidence that the book echoed his thoughts of hating complications he hadn't asked for or wanted. They were about totally different situations. He stopped pacing to stare at the book, remembered the feel of arms wrapping warmly around his waist and the muffled sound of lost desperation, and turned away numbly, going straight to bed to dream of wounded eyes and burning pain.
He must have really looked like shit for Ninomiya to have taken one look at him that morning and offered to go buy him a coffee and breakfast sandwich.
He spent the next few days staring uncomfortably at the book and edging around it, afraid to face Tegoshi, afraid that he was afraid of facing a character in a book, confused, guilt-ridden.
"Make up with him," Koyama said reasonably over lunch, and Shige was overwhelmed with gratitude and affection for his best friend, who was willing to overlook his insanity in his endeavor to truly help. "I'm sure the story must provide for that. Or… I guess you could go back, right? Do you remember the page number?"
"I don't want to," Shige mumbled, embarrassed, and Koyama tilted his head and looked at him thoughtfully.
"Always taking the consequences for your actions, Shige. You're so good and I'd like to smack you for being overly noble sometimes…" He shrugged and smiled affectionately at him. "But that's what makes you you, I guess."
That evening, Shige went home late, ate dinner, showered, got everything ready for work the next day, and then stood in front of his couch, looking at the book, right where he'd left it days ago, before finally sitting carefully down and taking it into his hands.
You come awake, trembling with something you can't identify. Part fear, part anticipation, part relief. You haven't felt the call in weeks and it was so light tonight, tentative and part of you wanted to ignore it, but you couldn't, coming awake and scrambling on shaky limbs toward the mirror to stand in front of it, heart beating so fast. Tegoshi is on the other side, shrouded in darkness and you place shaking hands against the mirror and let him pull you through.
"I'm sorry," you both say at the same time, falling against each other and wrapping around one another. Then one of you giggles and you're both laughing and you're glad because it hides your trembling, and your tears, better than the half-darkness.
Eventually you untangle your limbs but not your fingers, lacing them tighter together as you walk through the lightly wooded area. It's a bit cool, and the crunch of dried leaves under your feet tells you it's autumn here, and when you come to an open area, Tegoshi pulls you down with him until you're lying side-by-side over the crinkling leaves. You move around a bit just to hear them rustle, and smile. Your smile grows wider when Tegoshi cuddles up and lays his head on your chest, and you bring your arm up around his waist.
"What are we doing tonight?" you ask, because while you would rather not have to move, there's always been some other reason.
"Nothing." Tegoshi rises up on his elbow so he can look you in the eyes. There's something unreadable in his expression that makes you nervous, and you lick your lips uncertainly. "Is that okay?"
You smile at that, because it actually sounds like a request, and Tegoshi never asks. "That's okay."
Star-gazing never used to be so consuming, you think, before you met Tegoshi, and the two of you watch in silence, sharing body-heat.
"What did he choose?" you finally ask and feel Tegoshi shift a little against you. "He's chosen by now, hasn't he?"
"Our time isn't the same," Tegoshi reminds you. "But he chooses, yes."
121
You want to ask again, make him say it more clearly, but the way he's evading means that Ryo chose to give it all up. Or gain it all back, you suppose, depending on which side you're looking from. Maybe both. You really don't want to push those buttons again so soon, so you just tighten your arm around him.
"How come… how come you can do this? Aren't stars supposed to be stationary?"
Tegoshi giggles against your neck and you shiver. "It took you this long to ask that question? I thought you were smart."
"Hey," you protest weakly. "I was too busy being wowed probably. I mean, it's not every day a person gets to see this. Why me, anyway?"
Tegoshi pauses, then says false-cheerfully, "You don't even get to see all of it. You should see some of the extremes I have to go to. And I can't take you with me to catch the stars that don't turn human. Your human mind couldn't take it even if your human body could. I'm a busy star."
"Why you?"
Tegoshi rolls onto his back and you immediately miss his warmth.
"Because I'm falling," he says at last. "I'm special and I'm falling. The two of us always are alternating, so that there is always someone to catch the falling stars."
"But who will catch you?" you ask, a little horrified.
"My soulmate. He always does. We always save each other." He had started off confident but his voice shakes by the end.
You sit up quickly. "Tegoshi," you say sternly, looking down at him, and he turns his face to the side. "This is serious. Tell me what you're not saying."
He closes his eyes and you trace his profile with your gaze, waiting. "He's falling too," he whispers. "He's falling and I can't catch him."
You stare at him in shock for a moment before scrubbing a hand through your hair and facing forward, pulling your knees to your chest, wrapping your arms around and resting your chin on them. "What happens if you don't catch him?"
"…The universe implodes," he says sitting up next to you and tilting his head cutely at you, smiling shakily.
"…That's not funny."
Tegoshi just laughs, and you frown and poke him in the side. "I hope you're joking."
"I'll catch him," Tegoshi says with certainty. "I have to." He raises his eyes to the stars again and shivers. "We've just never fallen so closely together before."
How could you compete with that? And you're a bit surprised because you've never admitted to yourself that you even wanted to try. "You love him," you say, more for yourself, and aren't surprised by
122
Tegoshi's exasperated look.
"We're soulmates."
"Yeah. …Yeah."
"It'll be fine."
"I know. I just… don't like to think of not being able to… be with you anymore." Tegoshi is silent and you flush, looking over and opening your mouth to apologize, but you're stopped by the look in his eyes. You experience a slow shudder, like icy water is creeping down your back, and your faces are so close and you lean in without even thinking.
Tegoshi slides his cheek next to yours and presses them together before flopping back down. "Don't worry. We'll be together as long as you're alive," he says flippantly, but there's steel behind the tone.
You bite your lip before lying down again and letting him curl against you, trying not to think.
Shige came awake suddenly, confused by the darkness, and instinctually pulled himself out of bed to trudge over to the mirror. He wasn't there and Shige looked around in confusion. He was certain Tegoshi had been calling, but when he touched his fingers to the mirror nothing happened. Shige blinked, looking around his room and then felt his face burn in embarrassment and helplessness as he realized what had happened. He cried himself to sleep in frustration.
213
"I'm not perfect," Tegoshi says, laughing, and you snort.
"I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"Come on. Come with me," he asks, pouting and turning on the charm. "I need your help."
You reluctantly agree, 272.
You stay behind, 194.
194
You're not ready to watch another choice. It's making you tired, helpless… jealous. You fight with yourself too often now. It's not your choice and yet you'd make it but you can't. "Not this time, Tegoshi. Please," you plead, suddenly overwhelmed. "I'll wait here. I don't want to go back, I just can't watch. Please." You need distance.
Tegoshi seems to understand. He nods and steps back, turns and walks away without another word, and you watch him go. You're not sure how long you wait, tossing pebbles in the dying light, but you feel like something is wrong. You stand and start walking the way Tegoshi went, the wrongness gripping you more and more until you're running, stumbling, full-out.
You see the house in the distance and trip over something. You look back and see an unfamiliar body surrounded by a pool of blood, face gone pale in death and you retch, turn desperately and look, run toward the house. "No! Nonono…" Fear claws through you and you see Tegoshi, then, half-in, half-out the doorway, on his stomach, a long smear of blood behind him, and you drop to your knees beside him to haul him into your lap.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles, eyes still closed, and you can barely make out the words. "I couldn't… catch…"
"No! Tegoshi, no." Your voice catches in your throat and a hysterical sob bubbles up and out.
A star dies.
The End.
"Fuck!" Shige shoved the book off his lap and jumped off the couch, swiping furiously at his eyes and stalking manically around his living room. He couldn't stop the tears - they kept building until he was crying so hard he threw up, arms wrapped around the edges of his sink. He looked up at the mirror, at his blotchy face and snarled. Violently turning on the tap, he rinsed out his mouth and splashed his face with the cold water.
Back in the living room, he stalked the book, circling it with red-rimmed eyes. Finally, he snatched it up and opened it back to the first page, skimming the first couple paragraphs.
"You took a long time today," Tegoshi says, still smiling.
"I was having a good dream."
"Was I in it?" he asks cutely.
"No," you tell him, but it's not true.
He knows you're lying and he grins, the sight making your heart turn over oddly. "Wasn't any good, then."
He's there. He's there. Not dead. But he watched him die and he's not dead.
Shige carefully closed the book and placed it on the table before going calmly to his room and packing a bag.
"Koyama?" he asked, cell phone pressed between his shoulder and ear as he stood on the platform waiting for the train. "I'm taking that vacation. I'm going home. I'll talk to you in a few days." Koyama started to ask something, worry lacing his voice, but Shige hung up and waited patiently.
His mother greeted him with an exuberant shriek and he couldn't help but smile as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He let himself lean into her, breathing in the familiar scent of home and smiling into her hair. "I'm home," he said.
"You should have called!" she reprimanded him, but she was too happy for it to sting. "Wait until your father sees you're here. You haven't been home in a year!" That time she did sort of glare at him but he just laughed and she was smiling again.
She made his favorite foods as he and his father sat on the porch and talked a little. They never had too much to say, but it felt good just having him there. He felt almost full again as they drank their warm sake and talked about the state of the nation, baseball, and the kids next door.
After dinner, his mom showed him her new hobby, hat-making, and took one off of a shelf, a light-grey gatsby, and handed it to him shyly. "I meant to send this to you earlier, but I kept putting it off. But you're here now."
He grinned as he pulled it on and wore it all night.
Long after his parents had gone to sleep, Shige laid in bed, thinking about nothing, but he couldn't fall asleep. Rolling out of bed, he pulled on a jacket and his hat and quietly made his way to the front door, slipping on his shoes and stepping outside. He spent hours staring up into the sky and not thinking, before finally making his way back to bed.
He called Koyama the next morning. "Sorry I missed your calls."
"Are you all right, Shige?"
"I'm fine. I just needed to be someplace familiar."
There was a long pause. "You work too hard sometimes. Make sure you relax properly, okay?"
"I will."
He spent the whole day with his mother, gardening, cooking and cleaning, trading jokes and shopping.
"Are you okay, honey?" she asked him as they looked over some fabric at a back-street craft shop.
"I'm fine," he said, smiling serenely.
"You just seem a bit… forced. You know if you need a rest, it's okay to just come home and recharge." She pulls him into a hug.
"Mooom, not in public," he whined and pushed at her.
She laughed and hugged him tighter for a moment before letting go. "I'm just saying. Your father and I don't need you to do anything special. We just love you."
Shige felt his lip tremble a little and scratched his nose. "I just need to appreciate what I have, is all."
She watched him carefully the rest of the day.
"Are you serious?" Shige asked, guffawing into the phone and sprawling across his bed. "What did he say?"
"He said, 'That's nice, but I'm not into guys,'" Koyama relayed, giggling.
"Talk about a misunderstanding."
They laughed themselves into silence and then Shige said, "Koyama, I want to thank you for being my friend for so long. I love you, I hope you know that."
"I will be your friend forever, Shige."
"Until death do us part," Shige said, and giggled.
"Are you proposing? Because… that's nice, but I'm not into guys." That started them laughing again and they talked until Koyama fell asleep on the line, light snoring making Shige snicker affectionately as he hung up.
He was awake long into the night, sitting at his window in the dark and staring out into the night. Eventually he turned his head and looked dully toward his bag and stood, moving to kneel in front of it. He carefully removed his things until his hand brushed familiar pebbled leather and he pressed his palm against it until it warmed under his hand. His heart ached and he could feel the frustration building, the frustration he'd been suppressing for two days. He stood abruptly and moved to stand in front of the full-length mirror in his room, eyes closed, and tentatively reached out his fingers, so slowly, until they pressed up against the glass. Only then did he look up, opening his eyes to see only himself. Sighing, he pushed them harder against the mirror and dragged them to the side, smudging across the surface as he turned away. He took the book from his bag and settled on his bed, turning on the lamp and leaning back, opening to the beginning and making a fresh start.
He woke up, neck stiff and back aching, book open on his lap and his mother smiling down at him.
"Ready for breakfast, honey? Or would you like to sleep properly?"
"Breakfast," he grated, and then cleared his throat.
She turned to leave and he stopped her, holding the book up. "Mom. This book. I got it for high school graduation. Do you remember who gave it to me?"
Giving it a thoughtful look, she considered a moment and shook her head. "I don't remember, honey. You got a lot of books." She ruffled his hair and left.
He wasn't sure what he was looking for as he spent the day in various places around the house, reading, his mother keeping his water filled and bringing him snacks.
"Mom," he said, taking her wrist as she moved away. "I love you."
She bit her lip and turned to him, going to her knees and taking his hands in hers. "I don't know what's going on, Shigeaki, but I love you, too. And if I can help you, tell me.
He wished she could. He nodded and went back to reading. That night he sat outside in the cold on the grass and stared at the sky. "Tegoshi," he said. "I need you to call me."
He returned to Tokyo frustrated, floating along in a weird half-way - body here, mind there. No one satisfied.
"Shige," Koyama said, tapping his arm. "You're staring into space again."
Shige smiled carefully, watching his reflection in the glass. "Sorry," he said, finally tearing his eyes away to look at his friend.
Every reflective surface he passed drew his attention.
You come awake suddenly, confused by the darkness, and instinctually pull yourself out of bed to trudge over to the mirror. He isn't there and you look around in confusion. You were certain Tegoshi had been calling, but when you touch your fingers to the mirror nothing happens.
He continued to read through every scenario in the book, searching for an answer or release, but there seemed to be no end to the possibilities and they filled his waking and sleeping hours, seeping and blending together.
"What are you thinking about?" Tegoshi asks, nudging your shoulder playfully.
"You," you reply and smile.
"You're losing weight," Masuda told him, pushing a pork bun at him. "He's losing weight, right Koyama?"
"Definitely. Let's have yakiniku tonight, Shige."
Shige bought an antique full-length mirror and kept it next to his bed and came awake at all hours of the night to stare into it hopefully before falling fitfully back to sleep.
"Where are you going?" Tegoshi asks you, tilting his head.
You smile at him. "To catch a falling star. Can't you feel it?"
Tegoshi's eyebrows raise and he smiles. "All of a sudden you're the expert now?"
"Guess so," you reply, and grin.
"Maybe you'll catch me," he says and smiles impishly, taking off like a shot and you chase him.
Shige stood abruptly, chest tightening with sudden and urgent need, and Koyama looked up, startled. "Where are you going, Shige?"
"To catch a falling star," he said and grinned wildly, Koyama's shouted concerns falling on deaf ears as he rushed away.
He made his way to Yoyogi Park, pushing through crowds without responding to or acknowledging angry remarks. Though it was too dark, he walked off the beaten track and into the trees, following an instinct he knew all too well, before stopping suddenly. A man stood in a clearing, surrounded by a soft glow, looking up. Shige's eyes fluttered shut, anticipation and fear and longing building up so much he thought he might overflow all over the grass. "Tegoshi!" he yelled, and the man turned around and smiled brilliantly.
Shige ran the rest of the way and took him in his arms and finally kissed him, lips clashing harshly, bright sparks shooting between them everywhere they touched that made him tingle and shiver. "I'm here," he said, breathless, holding him close and refusing to let go.
"You took a long time, Shige," Tegoshi said cheekily, but the effect was ruined by the raw look in his eyes.
Shige ran his thumb along Tegoshi's jaw line and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Say that again…" he whispered against his skin.
Tegoshi hummed and shivered in his arms. "Shige?"
"Yeah," he replied, smiling. "You never said my name before but I always wanted you to."
Pulling back just enough to look up at him with wide, earnest eyes, Tegoshi said, "I never stopped calling you."
Shige laughed breathlessly and leaned down to capture his lips again, more gently this time, sliding their lips together softly before showering his face with small kisses.
Tegoshi's voice shook when he spoke again, a whisper, "I was afraid you wouldn't find me in time."
"I'm here now." He hugged Tegoshi close and laid his cheek against the top of Tegoshi's head.
"Are you ready?" Tegoshi asked, hand pressed against Shige's heart. "You know the choice."
"I always save you, don't I? You said so."
Tegoshi leaned up to kiss him one more time and pressed their foreheads together, breathed against his lips and then a sudden swelling feeling, too much pressure all over his skin and an indescribable heat, blinding brightness and then…
-=-
I can finally see
That you're right there beside me.
I am not my own,
For I have been made new.
Please don't let me go.
I desperately need you.
-=-