My Life in Film Episode One: Top Gun - Transcript
Art (voiceover): It’s a film high on concept, low on everything else. Except balls. And our hero’s got two of the biggest. You can tell just by the way he walks. Other men fear him, and for a very good reason: he’s the best. Only one man out there can beat him - and that’s himself. Strap yourself in. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Art: Oh, I forgot to mention the girl. He gets the girl too. What do you think?
Driving instructor: Let’s just concentrate on the emergency stop for now. Wait for me to hit the dash.
Art: Are you okay?
Art: What do I have to do to pass? What do they want from me? Perhaps it’s the car.
Art:I mean, did they nitpick like this for you? What are bumpers for?
Mary: Here we are. Now, they’re the best. If they can teach me to drive, they can teach anybody
Teacher: In almost 12 years since its inception, the Best of the Best motor school 5-day intensive training course has taught nearly 5,000 people to drive, with no more than one fatality. We have a pass rate of 90%. There are 15 of you here, so statistically, one of you will fail. Is it gonna be you?
Art: Yes, sir!
Art: Oh, no
Jones: Is Beth here?
Art: See that boy over there playing pool? He’s in my class at motor school and he’s got it in for me.
Jones: What did you say?
Art: Nothing
Jones: Well, here he comes
Iceman: Play pool?
Art: Excuse me?
Iceman: I said, do you play pool? Winner stays on, I beat everyone else.
Art: I don’t play pool
Iceman: Dance?
Art: No
Iceman: Arm wrestle?
Art: No
Iceman: Scared, are you?
Art: No
Iceman: Well, what do you play?
Art: I don’t
Iceman: You must be good at something.
Jones: Table tennis.
Art: What?
Iceman: Done.
Art: What?
Iceman: I’m gonna whip your arse.
Jones: Done
Iceman: And yours
Art: Oh my God, I have got to talk to that girl over there.
Jones: You wanna talk to her?
Art: Doesn’t everybody? What’s my excuse, what’s my way in?
Jones: Happy Birthday?
Art: Is it today?
Jones: Looks like it.
Art: ‘scuse me.
Jones: Art, no.
Art: Happy Birthday...to you. Happy birthday to you. Come on, everybody! Happy birthday, dear...
Charlie: Charlie
Art: ...Charlie.
Jones: It’s not her birthday.
Art: happy... What?
Charlie: It’s the thought that counts
Charlie: Lost? Or did you forget to give me my present?
Art: What? No. No, I just came in here to uh, check the sink. ‘s good.
Charlie: You don’t look like a plumber
Art: Neither do you
Charlie: So what did you really come in here for?
Art: You really wanna know?
Charlie: Not really
Art: I came in here to save you from making a big mistake with that older man
Charlie: My father?
Beth: Art
Teacher: Ok, gentlemen. It’s time to meet the instructor. For the next five days, whatever she says, goes. This is not the army so you do not salute her.
Charlie: It’s my job to make you better drivers, but before I can do this, I have to know what people have the most difficulty with. Has anybody here taken a test yet?
What did they fail you for?
Art: Last time?
Charlie: Yes
Art: The emergency stop
Charlie: Ok. It’s an easy fix. Next?
Art: Parallel parking. And I sort of stalled.
Charlie: Is that it?
Art: There was a minor breakdown
Charlie: They can’t fail you for engine trouble
Art: No, a minor nervous breakdown
Iceman: *fakecoughs* Bullshit!
Art: No, honestly. Not me. My instructor
Charlie: So you’re the one
Art: Yes, miss
Art: Jones
Jones: How did it go?
Art: You’ll never guess what
Jones: What?
Charlie: Arthur!
Jones: Oh, right. I’ll wait for you outside
Art: Do I look okay?
Jones: You look great
Art: No, wait, don’t go. Don’t... Hello
Charlie: I know it’s unlikely but did...
Art: ...am I single?
(at same time) Charlie: ....you forget your Highway Code?
Charlie: Sorry? What did you say?
Art: Nothing. Yes, I did forget my Highway Code
Charlie: Oh, right, here
Art: you didn’t tell me you were an instructor
Charlie: You didn’t ask
Art: I forgot
Charlie: Forget a lot, don’t you?
Art: I’m very forgetful
Charlie: See you tomorrow
Art: You want to?
Charlie: In class
Art: Right, yes. See you tomorrow
Beth: So, Jones tells me you’re in love with one of your instructors
Art: Oh, it’s incredible. So much chemistry between us we’ll probably end up having test-tube babies.
Jones: Well, she’s certainly got you focused
Art: I am so keyed up, I can’t tell you. I really think I might pass this time.
Jones: Ok, let’s try an emergency stop
Art: Well?
Jones: Uh, yeah, yeah, no uh...no, fine. Although in the test, wait for the examiner to hit the dash first
Art: Oh
Jones: Careful of the wing mirror now
Art: I can see it
Iceman: Know what? You’re dangerous
Art: You’re right; I am dangerous, I’m sorry
Iceman: Watch it!
Art: You watch it
Iceman: No, you watch it!
Art: Okay, I’ll watch it
Iceman: It’s on for tonight. I’ve booked us a table
Art: I don’t wanna have dinner with you!
Iceman: You idiot. The table tennis. I’m gonna whip your arse.
Charlie: You know, it might be safer if you went around the roundabout the other way
Art: Oh, don’t tell me you don’t date students
Charlie: Excuse me?
Art: I can’t drive and I don’t have a car, so forget it
Charlie: Forget what?
Art: Us
Charlie: Are you asking me out?
Art: Discrimination, that’s what I call it. You know what you are? A motorist
Charlie: Because if you are, the answer’s yes
Art: It is?
Charlie: My place, six o’clock
Art: Tonight?
Charlie: I’ll make you dinner
Art: I’ve gotta play table tennis
Iceman: I can’t play like this
Art: Go on then. Quit, you little chicken
Iceman: No, I mean these wet clothes. I’ll have to take ‘em off
Art: I’ve gotta go
Jones: What, are you serious?
Art: I’ve got a date
Jones: What, are you serious? I mean... it’s match point
Art: Yeah, to them
Jones: You’re just gonna walk away?
Art: If this was you with Beth, would I try and stop you?
Jones: Yeah
Art: This is different
Jones: How?
Art: I like Charlie
Iceman: I’m gonna whip your arse
Charlie: Hi
Art: Hi
Charlie: So, tell me about yourself
Art: I’m an independent low-budget filmmaker
Charlie: Really? What have you done that I might have seen?
Art: Enough about me. Let’s talk about you
Charlie: What do you want to know?
Art: Everything
Art: Is this you?
Charlie: My mother
Art: Very nice
Charlie: Do I make you nervous?
Art: No. Why? Do I seem nervous to you?
Charlie: Yes
Art: I have to go to the bathroom
Charlie: Upstairs on the left. Next to the bedroom
Art: I think I will wash up
Charlie: You don’t have to
Art: I want to, I like it
Charlie: Would you like to talk about it?
Art: I’m worried about my test
Charlie: Try not to think of it as a test
Art: My driving test
Charlie: I know. You’ve got to relax
Art: I can’t park
Charlie: We’ll work on it tomorrow. I promise
Art: It’s late
Charlie: You better make a move. ...Art?
Art: What was that for?
Charlie: I like you
Jones: How did it go?
Art: Complicated
Jones: What did she say?
Art: She didn’t
Jones: How did she leave it?
Art: She kissed me
Jones: She did?
Art: Whatever that means
Beth: She wants to see you again?
Art: And what do you know about women? They’re unpredictable. They’re full of contradictions. I doubt if she’ll ever want to see me again
Charlie: I would like to see you again
Art: I know
Charlie: But i’ve still got a job to do
Art: I know
Charlie: No, wait
Art: Oh, no
Charlie: You two know each other?
Iceman: I’m gonna whip your arse
Art: Thought you might
Charlie: Ok, parallel parking. Let’s see what you can do
Charlie: Textbook stuff.
Art! Arthur!
Charlie: I wanna talk to you
Charlie: Will you stop for one minute?
Art: Jesus! You think I can’t park? Look at you! Half the car is on the pavement!
Charlie: What is the matter with you?
Art: With me?
Charlie: Because you can’t park you think I won’t go out with you?
Art: ...yes
Art: I’ll never get in there
Charlie: You will. Trust me. Left a bit. Right a bit
Art: I have done this before
Charlie: Yes. That’s it. Yes! No, wait
Art: Sorry
Charlie: It’s ok, really. Doesn’t matter. Happens all the time.
Art: It’s ok, there’s some left
Charlie: Yes! Yes! Perfect! Not bad
Art: Jones
Jones: Art
Art: What?
Jones: What’s the matter?
Art: She’s still in there
Jones: Of course she is. What did you expect?
Art: How do I know?
Jones: How long have you been in the bathroom?
Art: I don’t know, what time is it?
Charlie: Hey there
Art: Hey
Jones: Hello
Art: Lovely morning! Help yourself to cornflakes!
Jones: She seems really nice
Art: I know. What am I going to do?
Jones: What do you mean?
Art: I can’t get into a, uh..
Jones: Relationship?
Art: Yes
Jones: Why not?
Art: It wouldn’t be fair. On her, on anybody
Jones: Art, you’ve got a lot to offer a woman!
Art: No, Jones, I mean I’m already in a relationship. With my work. I’m a filmmaker. I’m married to the moving image, my wife is celluloid. Charlie... She can only ever be my mistress.
Art: Right, well, I’ll see you later
Charlie: You’re sure I can’t give you a lift?
Jones: Ok, the test is in a couple of days so let’s try and improve your stalling
Art: Not again! What is the matter with this car?
Jones: Keep calm, restart the engine
Beth: You let the clutch out too fast!
Art: Oh, you think this is my fault
Beth: Yes
Jones: Let’s just relax
Beth: Let’s just drive a bit better
Jones: Beth, stop, you’re making him feel stressed.
Beth: He’s making me stressed
Art: Here goes
Jones: Art, no!
Art: Jones? Jones?!
Art: I think perhaps it was my fault
Charlie: I’m here for you if you need me
Art: Jones? Jones, I’m so sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me! I’ll never drive again, I swear
Jones: Art?
Art: You can talk!
Jones: I’m over here
Art: You can throw your voice!
Jones: He’s got to get back out there
Beth: You know, perhaps you might want to ask Charlie to take you out, she is a professional
Art: It’s over between us
Beth: Oh, I’m sorry. Did she give a reason?
Art: I haven’t told her yet
Just wasn’t working out, you know? What can you do? She’s not my type, she is not my type. Right?
Beth: Right
Art: I prefer a different kind of woman, more unattainable
Beth: A woman who won’t go out with you?
Art: Exactly. They’re less hard work
Beth: You know, we don’t have to do this, not if you’re not ready
Art: Nope. Nope, let’s go. Let’s do it! Let’s go!
Jones (memory): Art, no!
Art: Here goes
Beth: Hi, it’s Beth. Art just quit
Charlie: You drop out of my class, you don’t return my calls... Anybody would think you were trying to avoid me
Art: I’m not! I just...
Charlie: What?
Art: I was gonna call you, but...the accident with Jones
Charlie: Look, Art. I’m not here to give you a hard time about what’s gone on the last couple of days. I just don’t wanna waste my time. So: quit stalling.
Iceman’s friend: Hey hey hey, well done mate! Easy, easy!
Art: Congratulations
Jones (memory): Wait for the examiner to hit the dash first
Art (memory): I’ll never get in there
Charlie (memory): You will. Trust me
Examiner: Ok, Arthur. Take me home
Jones (memory) Art, no!
Examiner: Arthur?
Charlie (memory): So: quit stalling.
Iceman: You. You can give me a lift anytime
Art: No. You can give me a lift anytime
Art (voiceover): So I’ve started work on a new script. A love story. A cynical night club owner drowns an ex-lover in the bottom of a glass. He vows never to fall in love again. A promise he keeps until one day, she walks back into his life. Well, maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not the day after tomorrow. But soon.