Fic: Worry
Title: Worry
Characters: John
Timeframe: Preseries
John worries. He worries about ammo and keeping the guns clean. He worries about getting caught for credit card fraud or for the amount of weapons in his truck. He worries that the next thing he hunts will hunt him back. Mostly, John worries about his boys.
John knows the worries most parents have. Is he doing right by them? Is he raising them to be good men? Will they be productive, successful in what they do? Will they find a woman who will complete the other half of their soul? He owns those worries. He knows the taste and feel of those, has known them since Dean was no bigger than a football. Those aren't the worries that keep him awake at night.
John worries about Sam. He doesn't know if his boy is safe. He hopes so, tries to drive through Palo Alto any chance he gets. He hopes his youngest is happy, worries that Sam won't be. That their life will be too much to overcome. That Sam will be branded an outcast, a freak, that John ruined even this for his youngest. He worries that Sam is alone, with no one to bring his problems, his questions. No one to watch his back. Yes, John worries about Sam, but it's Dean that keeps him up at night.
His oldest and really John had expected Dean to leave, to crave normal. It had been Dean that had a taste of it. Dean was the one that remembered his mother, the house, their life before the fire. John worries he killed that little boy. Killed him just as surely as if he'd stuck a knife through his son's heart. The only thing that John recognizes in the man from that little boy is his love for his brother. Dean had loved Sam the moment he found out that Mary was pregnant. John knows he's used that love to break his oldest. Not once, but over and over until Dean became exactly what John needed and not what Dean needed.
John worries about when it's all over. Worries what will happen to Dean then. What will his boy do? John wants to believe that Dean will settle, find a girl, a job and let himself have everything he deserves. Perhaps go to school, train that brilliant mind for something other than demons, ghosts and killing. John wants to believe that, but he's never been much for self-delusion.
John worries that Dean will simply continue to be the soldier, the hunter. That Dean'll sacrifice what's left of himself to the altar of John's obsession. John especially worries about what would happen to Dean if they found the Demon. John's not blind, he knows that it would kill his oldest. Either the Demon would kill Dean to torture John or it would kill John. The result would be the same.
John sighs. He knows what he should do. He worries that it's too late and the damage is done. He knows he should stop, tear down and rebuild Dean into something resembling what his oldest needs if not deserves. That's what he should do, but it's not what he's going to do.
There are many things John hates about himself, but he knows this will go to the top of his list. Not only is he sending one son into a tailspin, he knows, fucking knows like he knows the sun will rise tomorrow, that doing this will destroy whatever normal Sammy's managed to build for himself. Destroy one son's happiness to save the other. He's been doing those same steps for almost twenty-two years. He wonders how long he can get away with it, before his boys realize he can't dance worth shit. Before one of them refuses to sacrifice for the other and he's left with neither.
John slams the tailgate shut and ignores the phone buzzing in his pocket. He scribbles coordinates into the journal. Far enough away that even if Sammy finally refuses his brother, Dean will be safe. Or as safe as John can make him.
John worries.
Characters: John
Timeframe: Preseries
John worries. He worries about ammo and keeping the guns clean. He worries about getting caught for credit card fraud or for the amount of weapons in his truck. He worries that the next thing he hunts will hunt him back. Mostly, John worries about his boys.
John knows the worries most parents have. Is he doing right by them? Is he raising them to be good men? Will they be productive, successful in what they do? Will they find a woman who will complete the other half of their soul? He owns those worries. He knows the taste and feel of those, has known them since Dean was no bigger than a football. Those aren't the worries that keep him awake at night.
John worries about Sam. He doesn't know if his boy is safe. He hopes so, tries to drive through Palo Alto any chance he gets. He hopes his youngest is happy, worries that Sam won't be. That their life will be too much to overcome. That Sam will be branded an outcast, a freak, that John ruined even this for his youngest. He worries that Sam is alone, with no one to bring his problems, his questions. No one to watch his back. Yes, John worries about Sam, but it's Dean that keeps him up at night.
His oldest and really John had expected Dean to leave, to crave normal. It had been Dean that had a taste of it. Dean was the one that remembered his mother, the house, their life before the fire. John worries he killed that little boy. Killed him just as surely as if he'd stuck a knife through his son's heart. The only thing that John recognizes in the man from that little boy is his love for his brother. Dean had loved Sam the moment he found out that Mary was pregnant. John knows he's used that love to break his oldest. Not once, but over and over until Dean became exactly what John needed and not what Dean needed.
John worries about when it's all over. Worries what will happen to Dean then. What will his boy do? John wants to believe that Dean will settle, find a girl, a job and let himself have everything he deserves. Perhaps go to school, train that brilliant mind for something other than demons, ghosts and killing. John wants to believe that, but he's never been much for self-delusion.
John worries that Dean will simply continue to be the soldier, the hunter. That Dean'll sacrifice what's left of himself to the altar of John's obsession. John especially worries about what would happen to Dean if they found the Demon. John's not blind, he knows that it would kill his oldest. Either the Demon would kill Dean to torture John or it would kill John. The result would be the same.
John sighs. He knows what he should do. He worries that it's too late and the damage is done. He knows he should stop, tear down and rebuild Dean into something resembling what his oldest needs if not deserves. That's what he should do, but it's not what he's going to do.
There are many things John hates about himself, but he knows this will go to the top of his list. Not only is he sending one son into a tailspin, he knows, fucking knows like he knows the sun will rise tomorrow, that doing this will destroy whatever normal Sammy's managed to build for himself. Destroy one son's happiness to save the other. He's been doing those same steps for almost twenty-two years. He wonders how long he can get away with it, before his boys realize he can't dance worth shit. Before one of them refuses to sacrifice for the other and he's left with neither.
John slams the tailgate shut and ignores the phone buzzing in his pocket. He scribbles coordinates into the journal. Far enough away that even if Sammy finally refuses his brother, Dean will be safe. Or as safe as John can make him.
John worries.