Fic: Doubt (4/5)
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Author's Note: So… Remember how I said this would be complete in four chapters? I intended to stop with this chapter and post a follow-up fic in a few weeks. But… Even I can't be cruel enough to leave you on this, so there will be a Chapter 5 to this. (And yes, there will be a follow-up fic.)
Part IV: Duty
"Thank you." Saeldur's voice is barely audible.
I shoot him a quick glance as we walk in the direction of the training fields. "I need no thanks for doing my duty."
Saeldur rolls his eyes, a spark of amusement returning to them. "Keep the formal responses for the King's Council, Legolas. I am in earnest. You have eased my mother's mind. She has been burdened. She would not have forgiven herself if Míron had killed you." He pauses. "I would never have forgiven her, or myself, if Míron had killed you."
I do not know what to say. He sounds like he means it - and I trust Saeldur, I do, but… But I heard him with Arahael.
Perhaps it is best to ask for the truth?
"Saeldur…"
"What?"
Now, with Saeldur's grey eyes on mine, I cannot bring myself to say it, to suggest that I have had the slightest suspicion, even for a moment, that his loyalty is not above question.
"Legolas?"
"I am here," I say, "and none the worse. Perhaps it is time to stop thinking about it. Eredhion and Voronwë will certainly not stop thinking about it until you do."
Saeldur's eyes narrow, as though he knows those were not the words I intended. But he does not challenge me.
"I do not dare stop thinking about it," he tells me instead. "If I forget what my foolishness nearly caused to happen -"
"I trust you."
Perhaps I say it too quickly.
"I know you do," Saeldur responds. Does he know? "And I am grateful." We have reached the archery ranges. I smile automatically in response to the archers' greetings. "And as you said," Saeldur goes on, "you are here, and none the worse. You need not worry about me, Legolas. I only need time." He claps me on the shoulder. "You should get some rest. Go. I will supervise training today."
Those of the archers who are near enough to overhear flinch at that. Saeldur has not been in a very tolerant mood of late, and slackness will not go unnoticed. I laugh, and go to find my father.
The King is in his study with Istuion, but he welcomes the interruption, sending Istuion away and inviting me to sit.
"You look troubled," he comments. "Is all well, Legolas?"
"The watches are peaceful. I do not suppose we can ask more."
His gaze is shrewd. "The watches are peaceful, and you are still troubled. Is there something you want to tell me?"
"Yes. I do want to speak to you of something. But I cannot… Not yet."
I hope he will not press me. He does not.
"As you say," he says easily. "You are not a child, Legolas, and you are commander of my archers. I trust you to know what you must tell me and when. But perhaps it will help you to talk about whatever troubles you… as much as you can, of course."
I bite my lip. "There is something I… I may have to do. And Lord Thorontur will not be pleased."
"You think Thorontur will be angry with you?"
"I know he will be."
"This… thing… that you may have to do, are you certain you should do it?"
"Certain?" I shrug. "No. I will have to discuss it with Saeldur and Aeroniel first. But if they are both in favour of it, then… Elbereth. I do not know. What do I do when I do not know what I should do?"
"You do the best you can. And you trust that as long as you have done that, I will be proud of you."
I nod, grateful for his words, and even more grateful for the hand that squeezes my shoulder. For a moment I want to tell him about Saeldur, about my guards' suspicions and the trees' whispers and what I heard as I stood in the forest.
But I cannot. What if the trees and Eredhion and Voronwë are wrong, and there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for what I overheard? If my father thinks I am in danger, there will be no reasoning with him.
"Have lunch with me, if you are not needed elsewhere," my father suggests. "I was about to have Galion send something up."
It is evening when Calathiel comes to find me on the archery fields. I am in the midst of practice, but one look at her expression has me walking off. She looks equal parts terrified, unhappy and desperate.
She starts to speak as soon as I am near enough, but I cut her off. "Inside."
We go to the little Council chamber in the archers' hall, the nearest place where we can get some privacy.
"What happened?" I ask.
"I spoke to my parents." She is twisting the edge of her cloak in her fingers. "My mother understands. She is not happy, but she understands. But Adar… I have never seen him like that. He was furious that I had even considered such a thing. He forbade me - well, he said he forbade me to so much as mention it again. But I am of age. He said he would… Legolas, if I take it to the Council he will oppose it."
"You always knew that was a possibility."
"Legolas, please. I am going to take this to Council. You must speak for me. Please."
"Calathiel -"
"They trust you. They will listen to you. And you know there is nothing wrong with what I want. Why should anyone believe I lack courage simply because I am not a warrior?"
This has nothing to do with Calathiel's courage, but now is not the time to tell her that.
"Wait."
I go out and send one of the archers for Saeldur and Aeroniel. Fortunately they are both in the stronghold, and in a very short time they are with us. Aeroniel is still moving carefully, but I can tell she will be fit for duty in a few days.
They drop into chairs on either side of me, leaving Calathiel facing us.
"Explain what you want," I tell her.
Her voice is halting - her father's reaction has clearly shaken her. She requires some prompting from Aeroniel. But she explains herself in the end. Then she says she wants my support in Council, and Aeroniel's and Saeldur's if the captains are called.
Aeroniel waits till she has fallen silent before speaking. "Do you know what you are asking for, Calathiel? What you are asking us to do?"
Calathiel looks uncomfortable, but I hold my peace. If she does truly want what she claims, she will do what she must, and that means answering whatever questions Aeroniel and Saeldur have now, and answering whatever questions that Council has later.
At last she says, defiantly, "I ask no more than my rights as a subject of the Elven-king. You have no right to deny me."
Aeroniel's eyes narrow. "Master Barancrist may permit that attitude in the Healing Wards, but take that tone while you serve the Colhador, if you ever do, and you will be assigned a month's extra archery training whether or not you are an archer." Calathiel flushes. Aeroniel goes on, "We will try again. Do you know what you are asking for?"
"Yes, Aeroniel. I do."
"Your father is unlikely to approve of this."
"My father no longer commands the archers."
"But he does speak in Council, and with some authority. You will not persuade the Council to grant your wish if the Archery Master disapproves."
"If the Council refuses me, then I must accept that decision. I am asking for your support, in Council if it comes to that."
I exchange a quick glance with Saeldur and Aeroniel. "That will be all. Thank you, Calathiel."
"And you will help me?"
"We will discuss it. I will tell you what we have decided later."
"But I -"
"Later, Calathiel." Calathiel looks unhappy. She opens her mouth, clearly to protest, but I forestall her. "The ability to obey your commanding officer, including in commands that displease you, is a required quality if you wish to venture onto the battlefield."
Calathiel turns her pleading gaze on Aeroniel. I am shocked into silence - clearly I have underestimated how difficult it will be for anyone not trained as a warrior to grow accustomed to the structure of command.
Aeroniel's jaw tightens. "Are you asking me to defy my commanding officer, Calathiel? Because, if you are, I promise, no matter what the Council says, you will never serve the Colhador."
"Do not even attempt to look to me for help," Saeldur says as Calathiel turns in his direction. "I think Legolas is perfectly right. We cannot tell you anything until we have had time to discuss this. And even if I thought he was mistaken, the only place I would admit such a thing would be in his study with the door shut and nobody else present."
There is an edge of anger in his voice that was not there in Aeroniel's. Calathiel bows her head formally and hurries away.
"You frightened her," Aeroniel laughs, when the door has shut behind her. "She meant no harm, Saeldur. She has had no training, not served in a patrol for even a day. You cannot expect her to know protocol."
"She will learn protocol," Saeldur snaps, "or she will not set foot on a field." He turns to me. "You agree with her, or you would have refused her outright."
I smile. "This may not be my study, but the door is shut and there is nobody but Aeroniel. Feel free to tell me if you think I am wrong."
"Will you speak for her in Council?" Aeroniel asks.
I glance at her. "If Calathiel does bring this to the Council and win her cause… It will not be easy for anybody. She, and any other healers who have similar ambitions, will have to be trained, both in self-defence and in… protocol, as you describe it. Insofar as she wants to ride with the archers, much of it will fall to the two of you." I shrug. "I do think Calathiel should be allowed to serve if she wishes it, but in this instance, I will speak for her in Council only if you are both in agreement, and Rochendilwen and Colfind as well."
There is silence, but it is not uncomfortable.
At last Saeldur says, "I will not lie, Legolas. The idea worries me. The healers will put themselves at risk by doing this - and perhaps that is their right, and not a decision anybody else should make on their behalf. But they will put the warriors at risk as well. No matter what Calathiel says, non-combatants on the battlefield will have to be protected."
"They can stay out of the way," Aeroniel points out. "Or stay in the safer field camps. They might save lives."
"If they can follow orders."
"They will learn, as we all did."
"Perhaps." Saeldur shoots me a cautious look. "If you undertake to speak for her in Council, it will be unpleasant."
"I know."
"We have time to decide," Aeroniel says. "And we should await Rochendilwen's return before telling Calathiel anything. No matter what happens, you know we will support you, Legolas."
There is light shining under my father's door when I return. As usual, I go into his study to bid him goodnight.
He holds out his hand, a sign that he wants to talk.
"Thorontur spoke to me," he says without preamble when I drop into a chair. "I presume Calathiel's… suggestion… is the same thing you mentioned to me earlier today."
"Yes, my King."
"Not here, Legolas. We have private rooms for a reason."
I cannot help smiling at him. "Yes, Adar. I was speaking of Calathiel's… somewhat optimistic plan."
"Calathiel seems determined to take it to Council. I gather from Celebwen that there are others among the healers who would, given the opportunity, work on the battlefield, or at least near it." He glances at me. "Calathiel hopes you will support her case in Council."
"I do not know what I will do," I confess. "Not yet."
"You were right about one thing. Thorontur will not be pleased if you speak for her." He holds up a hand to keep me from interrupting. "But… that does not mean you should not."
"No." I glance at him. "I would not say something simply to please Lord Thorontur - not in Council."
"I know." He smiles at me. "We are likely to have some acrimonious meetings when the time comes, but that is no reason to start worrying about it now. I will announce her request in tomorrow's Council, but I do not doubt all the commanders will want time to consult their captains. Istuion has instructions not to put Calathiel in our order of business until that is done."
"A delaying tactic?" I ask.
He laughs. "Not this time. In truth, I think Calathiel will win more supporters if everyone has time to become accustomed to the idea first." He pats my shoulder. "Get some sleep, Legolas."
Eredhion and Voronwë are waiting in the corridor outside. As soon as I catch sight of their expressions I know I will not like what they have to say.
"No," I say firmly. "Whatever it is, no."
They ignore me, following me into my sitting-room.
"One of the maids came to me, Legolas," Eredhion says. "Úlloth."
Úlloth. I know her. She is one of those responsible for the maintenance of the warriors' quarters. I have seen her going about with baskets of laundry and the small packs of healing supplies with which all warriors' rooms are equipped.
"What did she want?"
"She says she heard Saeldur and Arahael -"
"No," I interrupt. "This is getting ridiculous. Saeldur is not trying to kill me."
Is he not? A voice whispers in my head. You heard him.
"Legolas," Voronwë snaps, "you are being ridiculous if you think you can simply ignore this. Of all the Elves in the stronghold, Saeldur is best placed to… He could run you through with an Orc's blade and nobody would know it was anything other than a mischance of war!"
"Saeldur would not hurt me," I say. If I say it often enough, perhaps it will be true.
"Speak to Úlloth. We will bring her to you tomorrow. Let her tell you, herself, if you fear that Eredhion and I are prejudiced. Speak to her and judge for yourself."
"And do not be wilfully blind," Eredhion adds. "We are not enemies, Legolas. All we want is to keep you safe."
"I am not saying… I trust Saeldur. Perhaps that should be enough for you."
"Speak to Úlloth," Eredhion says again.
I can see that they will not abandon the subject until I consent, so I do.
When they have gone, I sit by the window, looking out at the forest. Calathiel will bring her petition to the Council soon. Saeldur is… Saeldur is utterly trustworthy, I cannot trust anybody if I cannot trust him, but…
Elbereth.
Suddenly, more than I have for decades, I long for my mother. She would have known what to do.
But she is not here, I remind myself, and wishing will change nothing. Adar is here, and he deserves my service and honest counsel; Saeldur deserves my trust; the archers deserve a commander who has some idea what he is doing, and I… I do not know if I can provide any of those things.
I can try, though.
I sigh, draw the curtains, and go to my bedroom. The next few weeks promise to be exciting. I might as well get rest while I still can.
TBC