The 37th Annual WELPie Awards
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For over half a decade, the revolutionary force in blogging entertainment.
Live from the Manhattan Center in New York City, New York, it’s the 37th Annual WELPie Awards, sponsored by Milton Bradley Karate Fighters and Slim Jim! Well, second really. But who’s counting?
And now, please welcome the Tom Cruise Dancers and the Blog of Doom Baggy Pants Players for the Official 2012 Blog of Doom WELPie Awards Intro! (Set to the theme of a random episode of Superstars from 1995!)
Weeeeellll...
R8DR S.O.P.A. Hater,
Jason Krowe: THEME RAIDER!
Hitman, Heat talk MMA,
Rinehart’s just rebooked Starrcade!
Noir’s gonna draw your face,
Bigelow’s is the place,
Jeditab is Tweeting, man,
WBA Canadien!
Bad Glad Guy buys lots of wings,
Baddie hates ALL the things!
Chrono, Scott, Jope and Glennie
Sexify while Cyke gets shitty!
Are you ready? (Yeeeeeah are you ready?)
Are you ready to scroll?
Are you ready? (Hahahahahaha!)
Are you ready to scroll?
Synch up your keyboards, get ready for the ride,
It’s Blog of Doom time so baby, hold on tiiiiight!
[Fireworks go off as the sold out crowd in the Manhattan Center is on their feet for the awards show.]
And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the HOST of the WELPie Awards, Todd Pettengill!
Todd: HEEEEEEEEEEEY BLOGGIOOOOOOOOOOOOO! For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Todd Pettengill and I spent four years entertaining YOU all over WWF programming in the 1990’s! Let’s take a look around the crowd to see who all is here! Hey, just like last year, it’s WELPie nominated poster and designer of tonight’s stage, jasonkrowe! And some guy!
Could... could it be? Yes, it’s thejawas hanging out backstage with some cool MMA dudes!
Scanning the backstage area, and wow, lookie there, it’s cyke68!
Todd: But a little more about me for those of you who might be unfamiliar with Todd Pettengill. I was universally loved around the wrestling world. I was NEVER wedgied by D-Generation X! I mean, seriously, everybody LOVED me! If there were “Smart Marks” way back then, I’d be more over than a dog named Rover! Heh hah! I mean, I was one funny guy back when I worked for the World Wrestling Federation and I think I still have a little bit of my funny bone remaining, which is why they asked me to kick things off by presenting the WELPie award for the Funniest Poster of the Year!
Funniest Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- jdisbfp
- cyke68
- noiretblanc
- x_pac_heat
- glenniebun
And the WELPie goes to...
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jdisbfp!
jdisbfp: “So I finally win a WELPie. CMC won one the first time out, and now I'm finally getting one. And what is it? An award for being funny. So let me ask you, Blog of Doom, what do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What? Funny how? What's funny about me?
a_badguy: BBH no. You got it all wrong.
jdisbfp: Oh, oh, Andy. You're all big boys, you know what you voted for. What did ya say? Funny how?
a_badguy: Jus...
jdisbfp: What?
glenniebun: Just... ya know... you're funny.
jdisbfp: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little f'ed up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f'n' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
glenniebun: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
jdisbfp: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the F am I funny, what the F is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
[Music plays as BBH launches into obscenities]”
Todd: Laugh out loud! That was funny! Sounds like old Bleeding Bruiser Face has an underappreciated sense of humor! Now I’m not sure what it feels like to be underappreciated since all of you fans love the heck out of me, but I imagine it feels kind of like scraping your knee on the sidewalk, or when you clip your nails and then try to open a can of soda. What I’m trying to say is that it probably doesn’t feel very good! But the following nominees for Most Underappreciated Poster of the Year shouldn’t feel mad or sad, they should be GLAD that their friends care enough about them to nominate them!
Most Underappreciated Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- jasonkrowe
- r8drsuperstar
- jcdaredevil
- fanontheverge
- amishleprechaun
And the WELPie goes to...
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jcdaredevil!
jcdaredevil: “You like me! You really like me! I wasn't sure considering I was nominated for so much last year and got ignored in all categories. I guess this is your way of telling me that you're sorry. That's what the award is, isn't it? You guys feel guilty about ignoring a cWomie, so you give them an award hoping they'll accept your apology. I'd give my address like HMC did last year, but I don't remember hearing of him getting any money. Instead I'll do what I always do, plug along on my 411 endeavors, occasionally host some Roundtables and sit through Jedi's abortion of a Fiesta, pining for the days when it was good.”
Diamond Dallas Page: And THAT, my friends, is a SHOOT.
jeditab: Boooooooo!
Todd: Oooooooooh, sounds like things are about to get heated between some posters! Battle for the Fiesta anyone? Now that’s a fight I really want to see. But one thing I love about your doom blog is that rather than fight, you guys form long lasting friendships! Well, long enough to win awards at an Internet awards show, hey-yooooooooooo! But honestly, who doesn’t love a good romance between two “brothers” here in the year 2012? Here are the nominees for the Best Blog Bro Romance of the Year!
Best Blog Bromance of the Year
The Nominees:
- “The Oregon Trail” (rinehart316 and jasonkrowe)
- “Another Team Canada” (bad_subject and chrononaut79)
- “The Duckface Duo” (a_badguy and jeditab)
- a_badguy and cyke68
- 9021BR0S (a_badguy, hitmanclark, et. al)
And the WELPie goes to...
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&
bad_subject and chrononaut79!
bad_subject and chrononaut79:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HOL7Rf9o4Y&feature=youtu.be
Todd: Ooooh, fancy, a video! See what I mean about friendships? What other websites on the World Wide Web allow for people to meet up in real life and do awesome stuff like attend wrestling matches? None that I can think of, although really the only website I ever visit is AOL Online Keyword WWF! I have no clue what the big deal about downloading music and movies is all about because I’ve never seen any of that stuff online! Speaking of movies and music being stolen, wasn’t that a great column that time Lamar Smith took over the Friday Movie Siesta in response to that Internet Piracy bill? Lamar Smith vs. the writer could have made a good feud had it played out publically! Kind of like that drama with the TV characters tournament! You know, come to think of it, for all the love you guys spread on the blog, you guys sure do fight a lot too, and with that, I give you the nominees for the Feud of the Year!
Feud of the Year
The Nominees:
- The Blog vs. Yagobo
- Andy vs. ____
- Baddie vs. Cancer
- The Butlers vs. Sitcom Fans
- Baddie vs. The Breaking Badguys
And the WELPie goes to...
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Andy vs. ____!
a_badguy: “I may not have gotten laid, nor did I even get to the first date stage, but I feel like it was all worthwhile because I am now being honored with a WELPie. But it’s not because I made WWE cardboard cut-outs. I actually tried to put myself out there in an attempt to be a social butterfly, but I guess you have to break a few eggs before you can make an omelet. So actually, this award should be shared with ALL of my CWBros- JD Dunn, for educating me on the Steps of Intimacy, even wantedbadass for telling me to throw a Hail Mary, and Cyke, for putting up with my emo texts of "That's it, I'm done with chicks!" and then following up the next day with, ‘Hey!! She likes 90210 too, but doesn't like Dylan. :-?’”
Todd: Huh, what was that? I was too busy taking pictures of myself sticking my lips out. Some sort of kissyface, if you will.
a_badguy: That reminds me... *grabs microphone*
MEHpeche Bro
Original Lyrics by Andy “a_gladguy” Halleen
Set to the tune of “Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode
Reach out and DUCK FACE!
Your own personal bromance.
Someone to get your jokes
Laugh in my head
Your own personal bromance
Hated on Take vs. Triple H?
They're on your side
Sweet jeezum Krowe
And Mrs. Derek Jeter
Got no shot
But they sure post a lot
Botch-a-mania
Build your own cardboard
Canada's best
Went on a quest
Mickie James' chest
They'd like to caress
Mackin' on chicks
Then sing karaoke for kicks
Reach out and duck face
Reach out and duck face
Your own personal bromance
Bros in the hills
Dave Silver on pills
Seven to one
Think we got this won
Backed by Zack Ryder
Yet we're still outsiders
T-shirt in the store
West beats that other shore
Reach out and duck face
Your own personal bromance
Reach out and duck face!
Todd: Let’s give it up for Andy! What he just did takes a lot of guts. You can’t just hide behind a mask or an avatar and sing karaoke and song parodies. You have to BE YOURSELF! Much like I do every day! I mean the Todd Man didn’t become the most beloved WWF announcer overnight! It took being myself! Now while all of you guys here on the Blog like to be yourself, you do like to hide behind avatars. Except you aren’t really hiding, you guys use them to be yourselves. Hmm. Well I just sound stupid out here. But you can’t blame me, I only know about the Al Snow Avatar character, and that weird movie from a few years ago! Nevertheless, here are your nominees for the Avatar of the Year!
Avatar of the Year
The Nominees:
- thejawas’ Jawas
- r8drsuperstar’s Trish Stratus’ Ass
- a_badguy’s Angry Fat Kid
- glenniebun’s Smilin’ Captain Kirk
- glenniebun’s Sipowicz
And the WELPie goes to...
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a_badguy’s Angry Fat Kid!
a_badguy: “I can't take credit for this. I'd like to thank the kid with the unibrow for showing up at WWF PPV's in 96 and 97, because without his hilarious mugging for the camera, this would not be possible. I'd also like to thank K-Mo, for his funny nomination of the Angry Kid, which was that whenever he saw that picture he knew to scroll past whatever I had typed. Oh, and suck it, Captain Kirk! I'm just glad I didn't lose to a chick's ass. How embarrassing.”
Todd: And that was just for a single avatar! You guys also use multiple avatars to express emotions, subjects, all that other cool stuff that you guys like to discuss! Some of these avatar uses make you laugh, make you cry, make you meh, make you wish I was there to explain everything to you! So, here are the nominees for the Best Avatar Use of the Year!
Best Avatar Use of the Year
The Nominees:
- x_pac_heat’s WCW Saturday Night Jobbers
- cyke68’s Cykes
- glenniebun’s Facepalms
- jeditab’s Thomas the Tank Engine Emotions
- bolognasandwich’s Don Rickles
And the WELPie goes to...
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jeditab’s Thomas the Tank Engine Emotions!
jeditab: “Thank you, thank you, I truly appreciate it! I have a lot of things in life I’m proud of, such as graduating from college and being followed by 78violet on Twitter, but this WELPie tops all of those. Before there was wrestling, Star Wars, and Power Rangers, one franchise stole my heart along with all of the money in my parents’ wallet, and that was Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends. It started with a picture of Gordon to represent “Meh” and then evolved into multiple emotions using multiple characters. Of course, my secret intent was to ride the avatars to a WELPie award, so mission accomplished! I FINALLY DID IT DAMMIT! I’d also like to thank the Reverend W. Awdry, Christopher Awdry, Britt Allcroft, PBS for airing Shining Time Station, the store Imaginarium for being the only retail store that sold Thomas merchandise, my parents for buying me a bunch of BRIO wooden Thomas engines, ERTL for making a bunch of awesome die-cast Thomas merchandise, and whoever distributed Thomas VHS videos in the United States. And to all you fuckers in pre-school who made fun of me for knowing who George Carlin and Ringo Starr were before they did, go fuck yourselves. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a chick in the front row that’s just DYING to put me in her friend zone.”
Todd: Thomas the Tank Engine rolling along! You know, from the sound of things, you guys have special relationships with your avatars. “Bromances,” almost. But it all kinda sounds to me like these avatars are just gimmicks! I know you guys love gimmicks. Barry Horrowitz once tried to tell me that Todd Pettengill is a gimmick! So I patted that joker on the back and told him that Todd Pettengill isn’t a gimmick, it’s a lifestyle! I mean who else could sing the introduction for the 1996 Slammy Awards? That was a great moment in wrestling history! But apparently you guys love having gimmicks yourselves, so here are the nominees for the Best Gimmick Poster of the Year!
Best Gimmick Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- a_badguy
- rinehart316
- cmc4aneternity
- skronk_uw
- tomcruise
And the WELPie goes to...
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cmc4aneternity!
cmc4aneternity: “I'd like to thank all my MiANNING fans that helped me win this prestigious award for the second year in a row. It’s a lot of hard, smart, logical work to show peoples the wonders of living in MANNINGami. I just want you guys to know that even though I don't post as often about the awesomeness of Miami Sports, I will make time for all of my fans here to show you guys the Positivity and happiness that Miami Sports can bring to you. When you're sad, just watch YOUR Miami Heat!!!! When you're in need of another language, watch YOUR Miami Marlins play baseball and speak Spanish. And when you're in need of support and ready to feel the greatest feeling you've ever had, just dream about THE GREATEST COLLECTION OF TALENT AND THE GREATEST PROFESSIONAL FRANCHISE IN THE HISTORY OF ATHLETIC COMPETITION win the Super Bowl next year; YOUR Miami Dolphins!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Todd: Boy howdy, that guy REALLY loves the city of Miami! It’s almost like he truly believes his gimmick, that any Miami sports team is the greatest! Hopefully nobody notices this thing was written BEFORE Peyton Manning took a Luby’s Cafeteria corn-tilapia laced dump all over the Dolphins! But anyway, I’ve been told that I am one optimistic guy, but man oh man, I only WISH I had that kind of optimism! And you know it takes a real badass bear of an optimist to make a mistake while typing with a pair of Callahands, and have that typo turned into a recurring gag in some kind of business involving Phil Collins! Hey, did I just reference all of the nominees for the next WELPie category, the Best Recurring Reference/Gag of the Year? I think I did!
Best Recurring Reference/Gag of the Year
The Nominees:
- Soilers
- Badass Bear
- Phil Collins
- IN THE BUSINESS~!
- The Callahands
And the WELPie goes to...
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Soilers!
Todd: Since nobody could track down the creator of the word soilers (and we think it was Steve Wille), here’s a man who ALWAYS has something smart to say, glenniebun!
glenniebun: “The best running gags are the ones that arise naturally--and what arises more naturally than a typo? Why, soil, of course! Ever since that fateful day in the Chat of the Dreaded Facebook, we've been soiling ourselves over SmackDown, iMPACTWRESTLING, taped Raws and all manner of other soilable media. You might even say soiling ourselves is something of a tradition around here; this gag is the ONLY reason this would possibly be so. Obviously.”
Todd: I consider myself to be a rookie at this whole Blog thing. I mean, you guys hired me to come out here and say a bunch of stuff about something I really don’t have a lot of knowledge about. Hey, one could say that summarizes my WWF career in a nutshell, BOOYA! No but seriously, every community needs some rookies to haze on, so here are the nominees for the Rookie of the Year!
Rookie of the Year
The Nominees:
- kaufman316
- dudelazers
- Scott Butler
- todahshy
- skronk_uw
And the WELPie goes to...
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todahshy!
todahshy: “I'd like to dedicate this win to all the lurkers out there and encourage them to come out of their lurkerdom and join in the convo here on the blog. I was a lurker since the beginning of Scott's blog here on livejournal so I've been lurking for quite a while. I was finally motivated to join the conversation because I was disgusted that people actually enjoyed the HHH/Taker match at WM so I needed to join the wave of hate and defend all that is good and right in the world. So in a roundabout way I guess I need to thank that match for winning me this award because if it never happened I would still be lurking and someone else would have had this honor bestowed on them. So there you have it, lurkers it can be done. You can join the conversation and fit right in, so come out of the shadows and join us here in the Blog of Doom!”
Todd: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the creator of the 2011 cWo Royal Rumble poster, noiretblanc!
noiretblanc: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we will take a brief intermission from the fun and games of a fictitious awards show. We have prepared a tribute to those we lost over the course of the past year. A tribute to a man we are all proud to have once called not just a Blog of Doom poster, but also a friend.
In the land of the giants, he was considered the next big thing.
Terrance “Terry” “Rhino” Gerin, Friend: “He wore that cloak like it was his skin. You really believed he was a druid! And I turned to Scott… and I said “This. Kid. Has. IT.”
Poised to grab the brass ring, Yagobo Yagobersten plunged headlong into a cacophony of fame, fortune, and everything else that came along with the glittering lifestyle of a wrestling rockstar.
Yagobo “Bobo” Yagobersten, Wrestling Icon: “I was working indy shots, extra spots at Raw and TNA, hanging out with Rhino… the world was my oyster. And I love oysters.”
Ross Halfin, British rock ‘n’ roll photographer for Def Leppard: “And under the stage it would be like Sodom and Gomorra. There’d be 60 naked girls, and I mean with nothing on them!”
Indeed, Yagobo was set to become one of wrestling’s toppingest young stars… but he had no idea that the road to the top would lead to the bottom.
Allen Ray “Al Snow” Sarven: “The alcohol in his blood was double what killed John Bonham.”
Yagobo: “When I woke up the next morning, Scott Hall’s dong was still in my mouth.”
This is cWo True Life: I’m In The Business. [Intro music & credits play]
Yagobo’s rise to stardom began with a close childhood friendship with pro wrestling visionary Scott D’Amore. Scott began work on independents in the Great White North, and his keen eye for exceptional talent didn’t have to drift far.
Scott: “I wanted to put all the belts on him straight away, but the business being what it is, you gotta get the respect of the boys in the back before you make that run at the top. I mean, everyone knew where he was going. He just had to do things the right way.”
Yagobo, or “Obo” as the boys called him, was more than willing to start at the bottom of the ladder and work his way up, despite knowing that he was destined for greatness. He would go on to receive great acclaim and respect as the recurring character on Monday Night Raw, “Audience Member #32” and WCW Saturday Night, “Canadian Fan #3”.
Al Snow: “I was Leif Cassidy at the time. And, I mean, I remember one night I was doing the high-five thing with the fans and when I slapped hands with Yagobo… [laughs] It was like I realized he was the star and I was the giddy audience member! I had to do a double-take and be, you know, get focused. He just had that electricity, that aura of a superstar, even hiding among the faces of that crowd. Incredible.”
Word was quickly spreading about this pro wrestling prodigy. With it came increasingly more visible roles, including the one that would be the pinnacle of Yagobo’s storied career. Yagobo, aka “Yaggie” to his closest friends, donned a cloak and bowed his head as “Druid #6” for the entrance of legendary phenom, The Undertaker.
Mark “Undertaker” Calloway: “I’m trying to get to my truck, pal. Get out of the fucking way.”
With the respect of one of the true legends of the business, the sky was the limit for young Yagobo. Close friend Scott D’Amore and Rhino ruled the roost at Total Nonstop Wrestling Impact Action from 2003 through 2005, considered by many to be the company’s glory period.
Yagobo: “Scott knew how to make stars. Period.”
Rhino: “Fuckin’ Russo.”
Despite the backstage turmoil, Yagobo had fully realized the dream of professional wrestling superstardom. Unfortunately, this young star would turn into a super nova of drugs, sex, and depravity.
Rhino: “It was too much too soon. He could’ve been Kurt Angle circa 2001, but he kinda skipped 2001 and went straight to Kurt Angle circa 2010, and skipped the matches and ring work altogether.”
Scott: “I kinda look at him like the Kurt Cobain of the wrestling industry - people just didn’t get his genius… and it crushed him.”
Yagobo: “I’d had enough of the limelight -- I wanted the seedy underbelly. Chat rooms, messageboards, the IWC, I wanted to be adored like The Stone Roses kind of said once. I remember I was pilled out of my mind one time and I shared a… a very sensitive secret shared with me in confidence… [pauses] …with some very sick people... and-and-and it was… it was what I needed to get off, man, it… [cries]”
Scott: “It was thanks to Yaggie’s lapse of conscience and the sick people he was associating with at the time that Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, and Karen Jarrett - Angle at the time - it was because of them that their dirty laundry got aired.”
As time went on, the dark and dangerous journey through Drug Land appeared to have a light at the end of the tunnel. Yagobo turned to comedy as an inspiration to stay on the straight and narrow path and keep his demons at bay, delighting friends, family, and his fans alike with humorous Facebook status updates that saw the wrestling community once again circulating the name of “Yo Yo Yagobo”.
Rhino: “He showed us some of those Facebook statuses… and I mean, we were HOWLING with laughter. If he wasn’t already the next Lou Thesz, he’d be the next Howie Mandel!”
However, one segment of the population didn’t see things in the same light. A messageboard-slash-terrorist cell, known as the “cWo”, which Yagobo interacted with in his darkest period saw this positive development in his life as a direct affront on their depraved, nihilistic worldview.
Scott: “Ol’ Gobbie, as we used to call him… he shared this comedy gold and these cretins just complained that it was taking up space on their precious message board. It was pathetic.”
Rhino: “He tried to... bring some light into their lives. Show them that it wasn’t all hopeless. And they spit in his face.”
Josh “Hamatosan” LeCappelain, cWo Associate: “Those posts were shit. Is that a tape recorder?”
Al Snow: “It was the last straw. He had to completely sever ties with his old life in order to regain the status he had in the wrestling community. This was the only thing holding him back.”
And with that, Yagobo cut himself off from the cesspool of depravity that was this “Cruising” World Order.
Yagobo: “They might get their dirt somewhere, from some other guy in the business… not this guy. [laughs] Not anymore.”
In spite of all the trauma and tragedy, Yagobo “Bo” Yagobersten is literally a man that does not know when to quit. To this day, talent, determination, and stamina remain tools for his survival, and eventual return to the wrestling limelight.
Yagobo: “It’s definitely a new start. Now I have Scott and Rhino again. I really realize that whatever goes on outside of our home really, you know, doesn’t matter. I don’t really wear a watch anymore it’s like - well… [gestures to missing left arm] I lost the other one - but I don’t wear a watch on this - on this wrist anymore simply because… you know, I really don’t want to live by the time.”
[Fade into a shot of the crowd at the Manhattan Center. There is not a dry eye in the building. A chant of “Ya-Go-Bo!” quietly begins and then overtakes the building, lasting for several minutes.]
Todd: Aw man, what a touching tribute! Any more of that and I’ll bet that a_badguy changes his name to a_sadguy! Speaking of sad, you want to hear a sad story? The number of Wrestler of the Week votes I’ve gotten is a big fat goose egg! What gives? If this were 1996, man, I would be walking all over Wednesdays with my Year End Points! Speaking of walking, let’s walk right over to this side of the stage so that I can present the next WELPie, the Best Regular Column/Segment of the Year!
Regular Column/Segment of the Year
The Nominees:
- Wrestler of the Week
- Chrononaut Chronicles
- Wednesday Walk Around the Web
- MMA Thriday
- Friday Film Fiesta
- Justin and Scott
And the WELPie goes to...
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The Chrononaut Chronicles!
chrononaut79: “IT'S TIME! IT'S TIME!! IT'S CHRONO TIME!!! (time-time-time)
[After avalanching the hapless presenter from behind and dropping the Chrono Bomb on his prone carcass, Chrononaut snatches the WELPie trophy and taunts the crowd by forming a "C" with his hands. Not quite as cool as Vader's "V" hand signal, unfortunately, but you get the point.]
Like all of mankind's greatest achievements, this began as a dream. A dream that one man could watch and review all thirty-five Clashes of the Championses. An impossible dream, some might say, while others may think it isn't as much of a dream as it is an epic waste of time. But this is MY DREAM, dammit, and...aww, shit. All this talk about dreams reminds me of that horrible nightmare I had where Ric Flair molested me in a hotel room. Thanks a lot, Blog. Seriously though, I appreciate the recognition and I am glad that so many of you enjoyed my efforts to recap and re-live some of the most spectacular moments in the History of Our Great Sport. For the most part, it's been a lot of fun and I plan to continue the Chrononaut Chronicles into the past, the present, the future and beyond. Just as long as I don't have to watch Hulk Hogan enter the Dungeon of Doom ever again. Good Lord, no WELPie is worth that price.”
Todd: You know, I’ve been a big reader of Scott Keith’s Blog of Doom since 2004 and what I really like is that sometimes you guys like to go against the flow and have tournaments and lists and roundtable discussions instead of just doing the same old thing each and every week! I mean, tag teams are awesome, and you guys are here to show that to the world! Without Jopetoberfest, how would I be able to claim DIEner as my new favorite movie? Get it? It’s about a diner where people die! Man, it took me about three days to get that joke but once I finally did, I was ROLLING on the floor! Without further ado, here are the nominees for the Best List/Tournament/Special Thread of the Year!
List/Tournament/Special Thread of the Year
The Nominees:
- Jopetoberfest
- TV Characters Tournament
- I <3 Tag Teamin’
- cWo At The Movies: American Psycho
- The 2011 WELPie Awards
And the WELPie goes to...
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TV Characters Tournament!
Todd: Once again, here’s the man of one thousand and four words, Glennjamin Franklin!
glenniebun: “TELE! VISION! CHARACTERS! YES! YES! YYYYYYES! NO'MER! TO HOMER! NO! N-N-NO! NO!
It is truly a shock for the TV Characters to win this category, considering what a debacle it turned into. WELP, I guess there's some trainwreck value to it. This too arose from the Facebook chat, when a bunch of us decided that, well I'll be, there sure are a whole lot of TV characters. Special thanks go out to everyone who sent in lists (including basically everyone I expected, plus a few lurkers/former members), everyone who helped keep up the drumbeat for submissions & votes (AN-DAY), everyone who voted and everyone who campaigned.”
Todd: Oh snap! *snaps fingers in Z formation* I remember that tournament! It brewed a lot of controversy over on that MySpace group you guys have! Speaking of that, why haven’t I gotten an invite yet? I post on my Xanga every day man! But the point of this is that there weren’t many people pleased by the results of that TV Tournament! Like remember when that one guy said that the Yellow Menace must die and we all thought he was talking about Sulu and Pikachu when in reality he was talking about Homer Simpson? That really made me laugh inside of my head, as you guys like to say! And how about when those Bun Brothers had a big ole fight against posters that enjoy sitcoms? Remember when Jope tried to make his Al Bundy avatar as popular as me? More like MEHrried with Children, amirite? Haw haw, I’m just messing around with you guys! You all just like to rant, and when I say rant, I MEAN rant! I’m so entertained by you guys ranting that I just sit there and laugh and laugh and laugh! So it would only be natural to award a WELPie to the poster who makes the Rant of the Year!
Rant of the Year
The Nominees:
- "CMC Has 40 Minutes"
- Cyke’s Eating Disorder"
- "Chrono Bitches About Bitches"
- "Cyke’s Dark Passenger"
- "BBH At The Movies: New Year’s Eve"
And the WELPie goes to...
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Cyke’s Dark Passenger!
cyke68: "Whew! Sorry for the delay. I'm feeling much better now, but I just barely made it to the bathroom. You can't rush these things. Remind me to explain why you should always choose the first stall, when given a choice of three or more. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Which, incidentally, isn't all that different. Oh how sweet it is, my cWoskis, to be a two-time, TWO-TIME WELPie award recipient... or more appropriately, Number Two WELPie winner! And by "sweet" I mean "foul." You see, all my life, I have been astonishingly unskilled in most things, possessing no unique talents or competitive advantages. Nonetheless, I was endowed with the ability to do, exceedingly well, a thing that all human beings do: defecate. It so moves me that you, my esteemed peers, were sufficiently impressed with my pooping prowess that you saw fit to reward it on this grand stage. It fills me with pride to know you will never again be able to watch 'Dexter' and take it at all seriously, because that show soooo had it coming. Yes blog, with a tear in my eye... this is the greatest moment of my life. Finally, I'd like to acknowledge the following: some losers I'm no longer friends with who dragged me to a horrible diner in the throes of a crushing hangover, as inspiration for The Shittening; WaWa, for maintaining reasonably acceptable facilities; and the entirety of the cWo, for managing to produce no narratives more noteworthy than the story about this one time I when I took a shit. Thank you and God bless. And don't worry, I'll preserve what little dignity I have left by making a graceful exit this time. Now hit my music!"
*Dances away from the stall to some sick dubstep beats. Since it sounds like a robot that has the runs.*
Todd: Dubstep! I’ve even heard of that! Boom bom bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa eee eee eee eee! Ha! Man, I would make a great DJ. I bet I would be a breakout DJ! Watch out there, DJ Toddy P is all up in your area! HAH! Speaking of breakouts, and I’m not talking about that rash on your crotch, we have a lot of breakout posters here on the Bloggio Savio Vega that take time off for personal reasons, or have more time to post for other various personal reasons. They tend to impress everyone with their cunning wit and intellectual discussions, unless they stink at posting! HA! Just kidding with you guys, here are the nominees for the Breakout/Comeback Poster of the Year!
Breakout/Comeback Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- hitmanclark
- trustthesource
- jeditab
- stevewille
- cyke68
And the WELPie goes to...
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cyke68!
cyke68: "Yes! Yes! I did it! Just like I planned it all along! Ha-Ha, Embrace the Bait, suckers! You all fell for it hook, line, and sinker! For the record, here's the winning formula to earn the Break-out/Comeback Poster of the Year WELPie, for you would-be n00bs paying attention at home: Step 1 - Begin posting, winning over the hearts and minds of the cWo faithful with your knock-out combination of enchanting commentary and boundless whimsy; Step 2 - Have nervous breakdown necessitating short-term cessation of social media activities; Step 3 - Take baby steps, inching ever so painstakingly back towards civilization; Step 4 - Collect your... winnings? Alright, maybe the process itself isn't so glamorous, but the destination clearly validates the journey. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to polish my... prize. Umm, virtually speaking? Right, cheers, thanks a lot. But first, champagne! Champagne for everyone! And... LOVEBOMBS!"
*Kisses Baddie, kisses Glenn, kisses Andy, kisses Jedi, to their delight, revulsion, confusion, and titillation. But not necessarily in that order. Is then dragged off-stage, kicking and screaming, by R8DR, Jope, and HMC, who confiscates a flask, and escorts him to the door. Threatens them that he's "Thinkin' Arby's" if they make him leave. Knowing no good will come of this, they reluctantly agree to let him walk it off around the premises.*
Todd: But wait, Cyke! Before you leave, we want to present you with a NEW, SUPER SECRET WELPie Award for being the Shittiest Poster of the Year! GET IT?
[The crowd applauds as Cyke takes his award, showing it off with a shit-eating grin while wiping tears from his face.]
Todd: Poop. It’s a funny word. From five year olds to fifty year olds, everybody giggles at a poop joke! Now it takes a real man to turn a poop joke into an insightful, inspirational story like our old buddy Cyke did last year, and if there are two things this Blog of Doom is full of, it’s poop and insightful posters! HA! Gotcha again! You guys are really just full of one of those things, and apparently it’s insightful posters. I would have guess poop! GET IT? Oh come on, it’s a joke, ya big Negative Nancies! Lighten up for the Todd! I can be insightful too! I can bring great discussions to your blog and start awesome conversations with lots of depth and detail! Aww well, whatever you guys, let’s get to the nominees for the Most Incredibly Insightful Poster of the Year!
Most Incredibly Insightful Poster
The Nominees:
- cyke68
- glenniebun
- noiretblanc
- chrononaut79
- jdisbfp
And the WELPie goes to...
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glenniebun!
glenniebun: “My my, but this is a surprise. I'll try not to let it go to my head and prevent me from bringing the same insights week-in week-out into why Rocky Maivia is a hack, Sipowicz was the height of in-depth characterization on US television, and we'd all do well to forsake the entire ideological framework that places such a premium on macho bullshit. I'd like to thank The Academy of WELPie Arts & Sciences, R-Truth, dictionary.com, the brain cells I've not yet killed with booze (your time is nigh!), Our Boy An-Day, and all of the other nominees in this category, who thankfully do NOT have cameras nearby forcing them to try to appear happy.
In closing: IF I CHARGE FOR LINKS, YOU KEEP YO BILL PAID.”
Todd: Who was fos4545? I don’t know. But apparently he did a lot of stuff. And the nominees for the fos4545 Lifetime Achievement Award have contributed a lot of stuff to the Blog as well. And I mean A LOT of stuff! More than I contributed to the WWF way back when! And I contributed A LOT! I mean, just like that intro said, Hitman talks MMA while Jope, Glennie and Chrono get sexy with each other! Whatever that even means! I’m not even sure. But hey, I’m cool with it, although that explains you guys’ fascination with male romances. Anyways, hey wait, who is this flippy guy? Oh well, here are the nominees for the Lifetime Achievement Award!
The fos4545 Lifetime Achievement Award
The Nominees:
- flipflopnfly
- glenniebun
- jcdaredevil
- chrononaut79
- hitmanclark
And the WELPie goes to...
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flipflopnfly!
Todd: Hey, that’s pretty darn special, he won the award even though he asked you guys over Google Plus to not vote for him! You really DO care about him!
a_gladguy: Hey Todd! I like you!
Todd: Well gee golly, if it isn’t our boy a_gladguy! What are you doing on stage? You’ve already won your WELPies, and you aren’t flipflopnfly, so I’m just confused as to why you’re here!
a_gladguy: I’m here because I’m switching back to being BAD.
Todd: Oh snap! *snaps fingers in Z formation*
a_badguy: That’s right, I’M BAAAAAAAD. And I want to be more MEHmorable, so I’m TAKING this WELPie because let’s face it, FFF is GONE. And you know what? HE’S NEVER COMING BACK.
[The crowd boos as badguy celebrates with his stolen WELPie. Chrononaut makes his way to the stage and slaps Andy and tries to take the WELPie, but Andy spits in his face and throws buffalo wing sauce in Chrono’s eyes. As Chrono screams in pain, Andy takes his wheelchair and prepares to push Chrono off the stage when suddenly the lights go out...]
Todd: THE PRODIGAL SON HAS RETURNED! WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SUPERTAKER DUE TO THE SIMILARITIES TO THE UNDERTAKER BUT IT’S NOOOOOOOT! IT’S FLIP! FLOP! AND FLYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
[FFF turns around and stares down Andy, who hands the WELPie to him and runs away. FFF stares at the WELPie and then back to the crowd.
flipflopnfly: ... YEEEEAH. C’MON! YEEEEEEEEAH!
[The lights go out, and when they come back on, FFF is gone, and Chrono is on stage wondering what just happened.]
Todd: I, uh, I’m speechless! So wow, well, I guess it’s a good thing that this show is coming to an end because I don’t think anything can top that! And now, it’s time for the main event. The Poster of the Year Award. Which of the following posters did you think carried the Blog for the last year? The answer is inside this envelope...
Poster of the Year
The Nominees:
- jcdaredevil
- glenniebun
- noiretblanc
- bad_subject
- a_badguy
And the WELPie goes to...
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bad_subject!
bad_subject:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK3kaNHWPzU&list=HL1331442565&feature=mh_lolz
[Confetti begins showering the stage and crowd. Baddie comes out on stage and waves and blows kisses to the crowd. Suddenly all of the posters of the Blog make their way to the stage and throw Baddie onto their shoulders, hoisting him up in victory. Andy comes back on stage and gives Baddie a thumbs up, going back to being a_gladguy. Baddie continues to celebrate and does snow angels in the pile of confetti as the crowd throws streamers onstage.]
Todd: WELP, what else can be said? The 37th Annual WELPie Awards have come to an end, and the results may or may not be shocking. We laughed, we cried, we might have been reading this while sitting on the toilet! But in the end, LOVEBOMBS were dropped and HATE was RISEN ABOVE. We’ll see you guys next year for a show that may or may not be written by me. Will it be better than this show? Worse than Amish’s debut show for the second year in a row? We’ll answer these questions and many, many more next year, same Blog o’ Doom time, same Blog o’ Doom channel! Well, if anyone is brave enough to accept the challenge. Goodnight everybody!