Glee Fic: "Sam Evans vs. The Universe" (1/3)
Title: Sam Evans vs. The Universe
Author: jeffaplus
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Kurt/Sam, Glee guys, ensemble.
Rating: Hard PG-13 / Light R. Mostly for Puck.
Word Count: ~13,000
Disclaimer: Glee is copyright to Fox. I don't own Scott Pilgrim either. Please don't sue.
Summary: Parody of "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World". Sam has decided he wants to date Kurt. Unfortunately, there is a League of Evil Exes standing in his way. This is confusing, as Kurt has never had a boyfriend, but if Sam wants to be with him, he'll have to defeat them anyway!
Spoilers: Through all of S1 and S2, just to be safe.
A/N: Fill for this prompt at the glee_crack_meme . A million thanks to sotto_voice for being an awesome beta! Reviews are love. :-)
“Uh-huh. Well... yeah. Call me back if you need anything. And, um... tell him I’m sorry.”
Sam bit his lip as he pulled his cell phone away from his ear, the letters “DISCONNECTED” flashing back at him in bright red. He and Finn had made plans to hang out that night - it was Friday, after all - but Finn had just called with the rather abrupt news that Kurt had had his heart broken, and as such Finn was staying in to comfort him (ie, make popcorn and watch terrible sitcoms with him) like a good older brother. Sam couldn’t fault him for that, as he’d gone through much the same thing when his little sister, who was twelve, had been dumped by her first boyfriend. (His offers to punch the bastard had been appreciated, but ultimately unnecessary.)
What Kurt really needed, Sam decided as he pulled his shirt off and set about getting ready for bed, was some sort of... Litmus test. Some system where the other members of Glee could decide if Kurt’s suitor was worthy boyfriend material or not. Blaine had appeared to be when Kurt introduced him at the Christmas party, but no one had really talked to him and as such, could never have anticipated that the guy would turn him down. No, Blaine saw Kurt as a little brother, and nothing more, and when Kurt, oblivious, had proposed that they date, the reaction had been ... not quite what he had expected.
If the other guys had had Kurt’s back, Sam thought as he brushed his teeth, maybe such a reaction could have been avoided. It wasn’t the end of the world, certainly, but Sam knew that Kurt was feeling like it was. Sam had experienced the sensation himself when he’d broken up with Quinn and he’d had to take his promise ring back. (He had just told her he was bisexual; she did not take it well.) It’d been a couple of months ago, but it still rang as fresh in his mind as if it’d just happened... Sam shoved his toothbrush back in its drawer a little harder than necessary.
He’d considered calling Kurt in the ensuing few weeks after the breakup, either to ask for advice about the whole ‘liking guys’ thing or to ask him to please talk some freaking sense into Quinn, but ultimately decided that it wasn’t his place. Besides, Kurt was at Dalton, and had his own life. He was trying to put the unfortunate incident that was McKinley High School behind him, and Sam could respect that.
Except now Kurt had an even bigger dilemma on his mind. Sighing, Sam went back to his room and picked his cell phone up from where he’d dropped it on his desk, thumbing over Kurt’s name in his contact list. His fingers hovered over the green “call” button... but, with another sigh, Sam instead put his phone back down, shut off the light, and climbed into bed, shoving aside several volumes of comics that had collected during the day as he wormed his way under the covers.
He’d talk to Kurt soon, Sam decided. And when he did, he’d mention the whole idea of the ‘test’ that his ensuing boyfriend(s) would have to go through. Sam’s last thought before drifting off to sleep completely was to idly wonder why he was so concerned with Kurt’s happiness in the first place.
THE NEXT DAY or something
Sam’s eyes snapped open as his alarm went off. He could see the letters “BRIIINNNG” appearing in bright bold font over his shrieking alarm clock.
Well. That was unusual.
Sam Evans
16 Years Old
Rating: Awesome
His sister’s voice floated up from downstairs. “Sam, you’re gonna be late!”
Late for what? Sam wondered, casting a glance around his room and noticing another bright bold group of letters on top of an arrow pointed down at his textbooks: SCHOOL.
Oh, right.
Accompanied by several whooshing sounds, Sam hopped out of bed, pulled on another shirt, sniffed it to make sure it was clean (IT WASN’T), decided he didn’t care, and made for the stairs. Rather than walking down them, though, he hopped onto the railing and slid, approaching 20 MPH (according to the blinker that appeared beside him) before he reached the end and jumped off, sticking the landing.
“You are so weird,” his sister commented from her place at the breakfast table, before offering him a box of cereal. “Here. This one has +3 to intelligence and +1 to speed.”
“Sweet,” Sam said, pouring himself a bowl.
McKinley High School
Location: Lima, Ohio
Fun fact: Named after 25th U.S. President
Fun fact #2: This place blows
“Kurt!” Sam said as he entered the front doors, noticing his friend twirling the dial at his old locker, looking depressed. “What are you doing here?”
“Sam,” Kurt said in quiet greeting, slamming his locker shut with a little too much force. “I decided that since Dalton doesn’t have very much to offer me anymore, I’d transfer back here. Dad had a long talk with Principal Figgins and had some pretty strict anti-bullying rules set in. I should be okay.”
“Well, that’s good,” Sam said encouragingly, but Kurt only offered him a weak smile before dropping his head back down, clutching his textbooks tightly. “Here,” Sam offered. “I’ll walk you to class.”
“Thanks,” Kurt said, and fell into step beside Sam, eyes scanning the hall warily.
“Dude, relax,” Sam said, after several moments of this. “I’ve got your back.” He smiled and clapped a friendly hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt visibly winced, but didn’t break away. When several moments passed, Sam hesitated, but offered, “I’m sorry to hear about... you know. Are you doing okay?”
Kurt gave another half-smile. “I’m fine. Well, that’s a lie, but I’m ... dealing.” He paused for a moment, then added, “I just... couldn’t really face having to deal with that every day. Having to be in class with him, sing with him, and everything... I know that sounds idiotic.”
“Dude, you’re not an idiot. Love makes us do all kinds of crazy shit,” Sam said. “And that guy totally led you on.”
Kurt shook his head. “No, I just... really read too much into things, I suppose. Although I will admit, that’s not the only reason I transferred back here.”
“Oh, yeah? What else?” Sam asked, intrigued in spite of himself.
Kurt was silent for a moment. “It’s kind of hard to explain... but here, I got bullied all the time. Obviously, or I wouldn’t have left. But still... I never had to compromise who I was. I could stand out, be as flamboyant as I wanted, and my friends would back me up for it, for the little good it did me. At Dalton they told me to ‘stop trying so hard’, ‘blend in’, ‘tone it down’, you know... it got old after awhile. Plus, I never really connected with the Warblers like I did with all of you. I just... I missed you.”
“We all missed you too, man,” Sam said at once, surprised at how much he meant it. “Glee just isn’t the same without you hassling Mr. Schue to loosen up.”
“You weren’t even there for that,” Kurt retorted, swatting Sam with one hand; Sam laughed.
“And for the record?” Sam added as they reached Kurt’s English class, stopping at the wall to continue talking. “I would never ask you to ‘tone it down’.”
Kurt blinked, and was opening his mouth to reply, when suddenly-
“SAM EVANS!!!”
Sam whipped his head around as the hallway suddenly cleared. Standing at the other end, hands on his hips in a triumphant pose, was none other than-
“Finn?” Kurt exclaimed, looking past Sam in utter astonishment and confusion. “Why are you wearing your Gaga dress?”
“It’s my superhero costume!” Finn retorted, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Kurt brought a hand up to massage his forehead. “Okay, fine. And you’re dressed like a superhero because...?”
“Kurt, I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to him!” Finn shouted, pointing a finger directly at Sam in a very theatrical manner.
Sam’s eyes darted back and forth. “What?”
“My name is Finn Hudson!” Finn exclaimed, thrusting a hand up into the air. “And I am Kurt Hummel’s FIRST EVIL EX-BOYFRIEND!”
Utter silence followed this statement. A question mark appeared in the air above Sam’s head.
Finally, he turned to Kurt. “Ex-boyfriend?”
“I’m just as confused as you are,” Kurt said, and indeed, there was a question mark in the air above his head as well. Kurt pointed to it. “See?”
Sam turned back to Finn. “Finn, what’s this about?”
“If you are going to date my stepbrother, you must first defeat the League of Kurt’s Evil Exes!” Finn exclaimed. “They and they alone control the future of Kurt’s love life!”
“Evil Exes, Finn?” Kurt asked skeptically. “I’ve never even had a boyfriend.”
“Your logicalness has no place in our conversation! Begone with you!” Finn said, and then immediately looked sheepish. “Uh, sorry, Kurt. You can stay if you want.”
“Stay for what? What is going on?”
“To make sure that Sam is good enough for you, I challenge him to ... A SING OFF,” Finn said dangerously, and Sam arched an eyebrow.
“Really. And why do I have to do that?” Sam asked.
“During the spring semester of last year, I performed ‘Hello, I Love You’ for the Glee Club, and noticed that Kurt had a very... interesting reaction,” Finn said, as he and Sam circled each other like cats in the cleared-out hallway, the other students watching. “Apparently, husky baritone voices just... do something for him, and so it is in this area, Sam Evans, that you must prove your worthiness!”
Sam glanced to Kurt, who had turned bright pink. “Is that true?” Sam asked.
“No,” Kurt squeaked, as the words (HE’S LYING) appeared above him.
“Consider our fight begun!” Finn exclaimed, and musical chords began to play from out of nowhere, Finn singing alone immediately.
“I want your body, mind, soul, etcetera
And one day, you’ll see...”
“Adam Lambert. One of my few weaknesses,” Kurt mumbled, knees buckling, and Finn grinned as he continued.
“And I don’t want anyone instead of you
Oh, babe, I’m goin’ crazy-”
“And I ain’t never met nobody betterer,” Sam interrupted, voice shaking as he looked toward Kurt worriedly. (There were little hearts in his eyes - literally - as he stared at Finn.) Sam didn’t think he’d ever heard this song before, but somehow, he knew what to do. “You’re someone else’s, baby...”
Finn broke in with, “I’m just sick of livin’ for other people,
Took meeting you to realize
I don’t wanna lose you, I wanna keep you
Put your little hand in mine and look into my eyes, baby, eyes!”
“Oh, you make me wanna listen to music again,” Sam said, taking over for Finn again; the other boy glared at him darkly. “Yeah, you make me wanna listen to music again...”
Sam’s voice grew stronger as he took on the next verse. Finn looked pissed, and that could only mean he was doing well.
“There had been many moons before I met you
And I ain’t going nowhere
And now you give me back my raison d’etre
And I’m inspired again...”
Finn jumped on the next part, taking over for Sam, but his voice was now the one that was shaking and he wobbled unsteadily as he and Sam continued circling each other.
“And I know in some ways I’m kinda evil,
Got my roots and you got ties;
But my heart’s no stranger to upheaval,
Put your little hand in mine and look into my eyes, baby, eyes!”
During the instrumental break, Sam looked to the crowd: They were swaying and clapping, seemingly enjoying this, and Kurt was grinning widely as he watched Sam sing. They made eye contact, and Kurt nodded, as if to say, you can do this. Emboldened, Sam turned back to Finn.
“How are you his ex, again?” he asked.
“Crushes count!” Finn said, defensively.
“Sam!” came a voice, and Sam whipped his head around to see Puck, stepping forward from the crowd and holding out an electric guitar. “Catch!”
He threw it forward, and Sam caught it, slipping the strap around himself in one fluid motion. Without even thinking, he broke into the guitar solo, little bolts of lightning appearing in the air around him as he lost himself in the music. The cheering from the crowd grew louder: Sam was winning.
As he played, Sam sang the last verse. “I’m just sick of livin’ for other people,
Took meeting you to realize,
I don’t wanna lose you, I wanna keep you.
Put your little hands in mine and look into my eyes, baby, eyes!”
Still playing, Sam advanced on Finn, who had stopped singing and was holding his hands over his ears, overwhelmed by the sheer power of Sam’s voice.
“Yeah, you make me wanna listen to music again!” Sam exclaimed as the music around him ended, strumming a last, long chord on the guitar, and the sound waves barreled toward Finn; as they met him, Finn’s eyes widened - and then he exploded into coins.
They hovered in the air for a moment, then plummeted to the floor with a soft set of clinks, as the words “+1000” appeared above them. Sam tossed the guitar back to Puck and bent down, collecting them.
“Sweet! Two bucks, that’ll buy me lunch,” Sam said, counting it.
Kurt approached Sam’s side, staring apprehensively at the spot where Finn had disappeared. “Is he-”
“He should regenerate in the choir room; that’s our home base,” said Puck with a shrug as he walked past them, guitar in hand. “I’ll see you later, Sam.”
“Our home base-?” Kurt shouted after him shrilly, but was cut off as the bell rang, and everyone around them scrambled to get to class.
“Well, that was definitely interesting,” Sam said nonchalantly, taking a big bite out of the delicious sandwich that Finn’s coins had bought him.
Across from him, Kurt groaned and let his head fall onto the cafeteria table. “‘Interesting’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.”
“Hey guys,” came a cheerful voice, and Sam turned to see Finn standing beside them, back in normal clothes, holding a lunch tray. “Can I join you?” he added, tentatively.
Kurt glared at him, but offered him the empty seat beside him. Finn sat happily.
Finn Hudson
Relation: Kurt’s Stepbrother
Status: Recently defeated, but okay with it
“Finn, what the hell kind of scheme have you and your assortment of neanderthal friends dreamed up now?” Kurt demanded, forgoing small talk.
Finn stabbed a fork into his tater tots as he replied cheerfully, “Simple. If Sam’s gonna date you, then he has to defeat the League of Evil Exes that Artie and I assembled. We got the idea from this one movie we saw; it was really cool.”
“Finn, Sam and I aren’t even dating,” Kurt said, exasperatedly, and Finn paused, fork to his open mouth.
“You’re not?” he said, finally.
“Finn, could you give us a minute?” Sam asked, before Kurt could reply.
Finn shrugged, getting up. “Sure. I forgot my drink anyway.”
As he departed, Kurt turned to Sam. “What was that?” he hissed. “Of course we’re not dating! You’re straight!”
“Bi, actually,” said Sam with a smirk, and as Kurt’s mouth fell open, he added, “And I dunno. I think ... I think it’d be kinda cool to date you.”
Kurt turned bright pink, and stuttered for a few moments before finally replying with, “That’s... quite flattering.”
“And since the League is apparently comin’ after me, we might as well make it official,” Sam added offhandedly. “So... you in?”
Kurt exhaled; after a long moment, he looked back up at Sam. “Give me some time to think about it?” He offered Sam a half-smile. “You’re kind of the first guy to ever show any interest in me. All of this, it’s ... well, it’s a lot to take in.”
Sam grinned, and there was no malice in his voice as he said, “I can wait. It’s better than a ‘no’, anyway.”
“...I suppose,” Kurt mused, lost in thought, as he looked at Sam. Sam quirked an eyebrow and raised his water bottle to his lips. Kurt, realizing he was staring, blushed furiously again.
Fortunately, Finn chose that time to come back, sipping from a can of Pepsi Lime (the words “+3 to will” appeared beside his head), and sat back down. “We cool, guys?”
Kurt glowered at Finn furiously, but Sam said, “Yeah. We’re cool.” And then added, “By the way, the comic is way better.”
Fresh off of football practice, Sam was headed to the choir room, running a hand through damp hair, when someone abruptly grabbed him and pulled him into a random door.
LEVEL 2: BROOM CLOSET
“What-” Sam said, then blinked as the bare lightbulb above him was turned on, illuminating the sight in front of him. “Puck?”
Noah Puckerman
17 Years Old
Women He’s Slept With: 13
Men He’s Slept With: 3
“Sam Evans,” Puck said ominously, crossing his arms in front of his bare chest, “I am Kurt Hummel’s second evil ex-boyfriend.”
“...Why are you naked?” Sam asked.
Puck arched an eyebrow, smirking and showing not a hint of embarrassment. “Enjoying the view, Evans? Don’t worry; that’s part of the challenge.”
Sam tried very, very hard to only look at Puck’s eyes. “That’s - I don’t - how the hell are you Kurt’s ex?” he settled on.
Puck shrugged. “Only way Santana and Brittany would go for a threesome was if I showed them pictures of me making out with guys. Apparently it turns them on or something? Whatever, I was horny and Kurt was willing, so we made out. He doesn’t like to talk about it.”
“I can’t imagine why,” Sam said, fighting hard to keep his voice even. “Did this making out lead to... y’know. Other stuff?”
Puck smirked again. “Oh no, Evans. That’s your job. I challenge you to ... A SEX OFF.” His voice echoed ominously on the last word, despite the fact that they were in a broom cupboard.
“...Come again?” Sam said, after a moment, before realizing he could have phrased that better.
“It’s simple. We have sex. Whoever comes first, loses,” Puck said nonchalantly. “And I warn you, you’re dealing with The Sex Shark™, so it’s probably no contest.”
“No. I won’t. Absolutely not,” Sam said immediately. “That’s not even- you helped me, Puck. Earlier today, when I was battling Finn. Why would you do that if you’re gonna fight me now?”
“Dude, I’ve wanted to bang you ever since ‘Billionaire’. I almost jumped your bones right there in the choir room,” Puck said. “I had to make sure you’d make it to The Sex Off.”
“Right, so instead of just asking me out like a normal dude, you did... this.” Sam gestured to Puck and his nakedness. “Why do we have to-”
“Rules of the game, Evans,” Puck interrupted with another shrug. “You wanna date Kurt, you gotta go through us first.”
Suddenly Puck was right in front of Sam, face inches from his, voice dripping with seduction as he added, “You do want to date Kurt, don’t you?”
Sam took a long moment before he very gently reached up and pushed Puck back a few inches. “I do. But I don’t think having sex with you is gonna win me any points with him.”
“Fine,” Puck said, rolling his eyes, “We’ll jerk off. Don’t even have to touch each other. Same rules apply, though; whoever finishes first -”
“Disappears into a pile of coins, yeah, yeah, I got it,” Sam said. He reached for his own jeans hesitantly, as Puck waited with an expectant look, but before he’d even undone his belt, Sam had a wicked idea. A lightbulb appeared above his head, further illuminating the cramped cupboard.
“Puck,” Sam said, and Puck tilted his head. “Angelina Jolie.”
“What?” Puck said, uncomprehending.
“Angelina Jolie. Naked, in a bathtub, with soap all over her,” Sam said, grinning evilly. Beside Puck, a “horniness meter” appeared in the air, with a little blue bar down at 2 out of 10. “She’s rubbing it into her skin. Into her stomach, along her thighs, across her boobs...”
4 out of 10. “Dude, not fair,” Puck complained, looking down at himself. “Stop it.”
“Santana and Brittany. They’re making out in their Cheerio uniforms. And they’re going commando.”
6 out of 10. “Oh, god,” Puck groaned, and started to reach down before he thought better of it. “Wait, no. Stop!”
“Santana, reclining on a sofa. She’s only wearing a bra and panties. She’s slowly reaching up to take off her bra... her breasts slip free... she starts pulling the panties down...”
“Stop!” Puck pleaded, not even touching himself and his horniness meter was at 9. “Stop!”
“Oh, no, Puck,” Sam laughed, advancing on him, and Puck fell to the floor, reaching out to the shelves around him to steady himself as he gaped, open-mouthed, up at Sam. “I know your secret. Who do you find more attractive than anyone alive?”
Puck, breathing heavily, didn’t answer; the blue bar was almost at its peak.
“That’s right,” Sam said, reaching past him and grabbing an object that was leaning next to one of the shelves. “Yourself.”
He held up a mirror in front of Puck, and Puck’s mouth dropped open. He groaned, body shaking-
And exploded into a haze of coins, his groan the only other thing he left behind. A bright blue “+2000” appeared in the air.
“Didn’t even have to take my pants off.” Sam smirked as he gathered up the change - sixty-nine cents, naturally. He pocketed it, then turned around and reached for the door. He pulled it open- and found a very unwelcome surprise standing in front of it.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck you were saying about me in there?” Santana demanded, poking him in the chest.
A SEVERE ASS-KICKING LATER
“Sam, wait up!” Kurt called from behind him, and Sam slowed from his walk through the parking lot to allow Kurt to catch up. The smaller boy gazed up at his face. “Why are there bruises all over you?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Sam said with a wince, and held up a container of guava juice. “This has +5 to healing; they’ll all be gone after I drain the bottle.”
“Okay...” Kurt said, slowly. “Do you know why Puck just randomly appeared stark naked in the middle of Glee?”
“He must’ve regenerated,” Sam said easily, sliding an arm around Kurt’s shoulders. “Was he embarrassed?”
“Not really - you know him, always loves a chance to show off his body,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes. “What did you have to do?”
Sam hesitated. “He... challenged me to a sex-off.”
Kurt’s eyes bugged out of his head like a cartoon character’s. “He did WHAT?” he shrieked, and an emoticon appeared beside him: :O
“I didn’t have sex with him,” Sam added hastily. “I managed to make him... finish... without touching him.”
Kurt blinked. “That’s... quite a skill you have there.”
Sam finally laughed, despite the pain it caused him. “Or maybe Puck’s not quite the sex shark that he says he is.”
Kurt blinked, then laughed too; Sam took a moment to notice how nice it was when he laughed, and resolved to make Kurt do it more often.
“Well, anyway,” Kurt said, still giggling as he pulled out his keys, “Do you need a ride home?”
“I have my own car, but thanks,” Sam smiled. “Though that Navigator there is pretty slick.”
“It’s my baby,” Kurt acknowledged, clicking the lock, and the car chirped happily (the words BEEP BEEP appearing beside it). “I’ll see you later, Sam.”
“Kurt,” Sam called after him, and Kurt paused as he opened the driver’s door. Sam’s expression was serious. “You doing okay?”
Kurt smiled, and it was a real, genuine smile. “I’ve never been better.”
PART TWO
Author: jeffaplus
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Kurt/Sam, Glee guys, ensemble.
Rating: Hard PG-13 / Light R. Mostly for Puck.
Word Count: ~13,000
Disclaimer: Glee is copyright to Fox. I don't own Scott Pilgrim either. Please don't sue.
Summary: Parody of "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World". Sam has decided he wants to date Kurt. Unfortunately, there is a League of Evil Exes standing in his way. This is confusing, as Kurt has never had a boyfriend, but if Sam wants to be with him, he'll have to defeat them anyway!
Spoilers: Through all of S1 and S2, just to be safe.
A/N: Fill for this prompt at the glee_crack_meme . A million thanks to sotto_voice for being an awesome beta! Reviews are love. :-)
“Uh-huh. Well... yeah. Call me back if you need anything. And, um... tell him I’m sorry.”
Sam bit his lip as he pulled his cell phone away from his ear, the letters “DISCONNECTED” flashing back at him in bright red. He and Finn had made plans to hang out that night - it was Friday, after all - but Finn had just called with the rather abrupt news that Kurt had had his heart broken, and as such Finn was staying in to comfort him (ie, make popcorn and watch terrible sitcoms with him) like a good older brother. Sam couldn’t fault him for that, as he’d gone through much the same thing when his little sister, who was twelve, had been dumped by her first boyfriend. (His offers to punch the bastard had been appreciated, but ultimately unnecessary.)
What Kurt really needed, Sam decided as he pulled his shirt off and set about getting ready for bed, was some sort of... Litmus test. Some system where the other members of Glee could decide if Kurt’s suitor was worthy boyfriend material or not. Blaine had appeared to be when Kurt introduced him at the Christmas party, but no one had really talked to him and as such, could never have anticipated that the guy would turn him down. No, Blaine saw Kurt as a little brother, and nothing more, and when Kurt, oblivious, had proposed that they date, the reaction had been ... not quite what he had expected.
If the other guys had had Kurt’s back, Sam thought as he brushed his teeth, maybe such a reaction could have been avoided. It wasn’t the end of the world, certainly, but Sam knew that Kurt was feeling like it was. Sam had experienced the sensation himself when he’d broken up with Quinn and he’d had to take his promise ring back. (He had just told her he was bisexual; she did not take it well.) It’d been a couple of months ago, but it still rang as fresh in his mind as if it’d just happened... Sam shoved his toothbrush back in its drawer a little harder than necessary.
He’d considered calling Kurt in the ensuing few weeks after the breakup, either to ask for advice about the whole ‘liking guys’ thing or to ask him to please talk some freaking sense into Quinn, but ultimately decided that it wasn’t his place. Besides, Kurt was at Dalton, and had his own life. He was trying to put the unfortunate incident that was McKinley High School behind him, and Sam could respect that.
Except now Kurt had an even bigger dilemma on his mind. Sighing, Sam went back to his room and picked his cell phone up from where he’d dropped it on his desk, thumbing over Kurt’s name in his contact list. His fingers hovered over the green “call” button... but, with another sigh, Sam instead put his phone back down, shut off the light, and climbed into bed, shoving aside several volumes of comics that had collected during the day as he wormed his way under the covers.
He’d talk to Kurt soon, Sam decided. And when he did, he’d mention the whole idea of the ‘test’ that his ensuing boyfriend(s) would have to go through. Sam’s last thought before drifting off to sleep completely was to idly wonder why he was so concerned with Kurt’s happiness in the first place.
THE NEXT DAY or something
Sam’s eyes snapped open as his alarm went off. He could see the letters “BRIIINNNG” appearing in bright bold font over his shrieking alarm clock.
Well. That was unusual.
Sam Evans
16 Years Old
Rating: Awesome
His sister’s voice floated up from downstairs. “Sam, you’re gonna be late!”
Late for what? Sam wondered, casting a glance around his room and noticing another bright bold group of letters on top of an arrow pointed down at his textbooks: SCHOOL.
Oh, right.
Accompanied by several whooshing sounds, Sam hopped out of bed, pulled on another shirt, sniffed it to make sure it was clean (IT WASN’T), decided he didn’t care, and made for the stairs. Rather than walking down them, though, he hopped onto the railing and slid, approaching 20 MPH (according to the blinker that appeared beside him) before he reached the end and jumped off, sticking the landing.
“You are so weird,” his sister commented from her place at the breakfast table, before offering him a box of cereal. “Here. This one has +3 to intelligence and +1 to speed.”
“Sweet,” Sam said, pouring himself a bowl.
McKinley High School
Location: Lima, Ohio
Fun fact: Named after 25th U.S. President
Fun fact #2: This place blows
“Kurt!” Sam said as he entered the front doors, noticing his friend twirling the dial at his old locker, looking depressed. “What are you doing here?”
“Sam,” Kurt said in quiet greeting, slamming his locker shut with a little too much force. “I decided that since Dalton doesn’t have very much to offer me anymore, I’d transfer back here. Dad had a long talk with Principal Figgins and had some pretty strict anti-bullying rules set in. I should be okay.”
“Well, that’s good,” Sam said encouragingly, but Kurt only offered him a weak smile before dropping his head back down, clutching his textbooks tightly. “Here,” Sam offered. “I’ll walk you to class.”
“Thanks,” Kurt said, and fell into step beside Sam, eyes scanning the hall warily.
“Dude, relax,” Sam said, after several moments of this. “I’ve got your back.” He smiled and clapped a friendly hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt visibly winced, but didn’t break away. When several moments passed, Sam hesitated, but offered, “I’m sorry to hear about... you know. Are you doing okay?”
Kurt gave another half-smile. “I’m fine. Well, that’s a lie, but I’m ... dealing.” He paused for a moment, then added, “I just... couldn’t really face having to deal with that every day. Having to be in class with him, sing with him, and everything... I know that sounds idiotic.”
“Dude, you’re not an idiot. Love makes us do all kinds of crazy shit,” Sam said. “And that guy totally led you on.”
Kurt shook his head. “No, I just... really read too much into things, I suppose. Although I will admit, that’s not the only reason I transferred back here.”
“Oh, yeah? What else?” Sam asked, intrigued in spite of himself.
Kurt was silent for a moment. “It’s kind of hard to explain... but here, I got bullied all the time. Obviously, or I wouldn’t have left. But still... I never had to compromise who I was. I could stand out, be as flamboyant as I wanted, and my friends would back me up for it, for the little good it did me. At Dalton they told me to ‘stop trying so hard’, ‘blend in’, ‘tone it down’, you know... it got old after awhile. Plus, I never really connected with the Warblers like I did with all of you. I just... I missed you.”
“We all missed you too, man,” Sam said at once, surprised at how much he meant it. “Glee just isn’t the same without you hassling Mr. Schue to loosen up.”
“You weren’t even there for that,” Kurt retorted, swatting Sam with one hand; Sam laughed.
“And for the record?” Sam added as they reached Kurt’s English class, stopping at the wall to continue talking. “I would never ask you to ‘tone it down’.”
Kurt blinked, and was opening his mouth to reply, when suddenly-
“SAM EVANS!!!”
Sam whipped his head around as the hallway suddenly cleared. Standing at the other end, hands on his hips in a triumphant pose, was none other than-
“Finn?” Kurt exclaimed, looking past Sam in utter astonishment and confusion. “Why are you wearing your Gaga dress?”
“It’s my superhero costume!” Finn retorted, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Kurt brought a hand up to massage his forehead. “Okay, fine. And you’re dressed like a superhero because...?”
“Kurt, I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to him!” Finn shouted, pointing a finger directly at Sam in a very theatrical manner.
Sam’s eyes darted back and forth. “What?”
“My name is Finn Hudson!” Finn exclaimed, thrusting a hand up into the air. “And I am Kurt Hummel’s FIRST EVIL EX-BOYFRIEND!”
Utter silence followed this statement. A question mark appeared in the air above Sam’s head.
Finally, he turned to Kurt. “Ex-boyfriend?”
“I’m just as confused as you are,” Kurt said, and indeed, there was a question mark in the air above his head as well. Kurt pointed to it. “See?”
Sam turned back to Finn. “Finn, what’s this about?”
“If you are going to date my stepbrother, you must first defeat the League of Kurt’s Evil Exes!” Finn exclaimed. “They and they alone control the future of Kurt’s love life!”
“Evil Exes, Finn?” Kurt asked skeptically. “I’ve never even had a boyfriend.”
“Your logicalness has no place in our conversation! Begone with you!” Finn said, and then immediately looked sheepish. “Uh, sorry, Kurt. You can stay if you want.”
“Stay for what? What is going on?”
“To make sure that Sam is good enough for you, I challenge him to ... A SING OFF,” Finn said dangerously, and Sam arched an eyebrow.
“Really. And why do I have to do that?” Sam asked.
“During the spring semester of last year, I performed ‘Hello, I Love You’ for the Glee Club, and noticed that Kurt had a very... interesting reaction,” Finn said, as he and Sam circled each other like cats in the cleared-out hallway, the other students watching. “Apparently, husky baritone voices just... do something for him, and so it is in this area, Sam Evans, that you must prove your worthiness!”
Sam glanced to Kurt, who had turned bright pink. “Is that true?” Sam asked.
“No,” Kurt squeaked, as the words (HE’S LYING) appeared above him.
“Consider our fight begun!” Finn exclaimed, and musical chords began to play from out of nowhere, Finn singing alone immediately.
“I want your body, mind, soul, etcetera
And one day, you’ll see...”
“Adam Lambert. One of my few weaknesses,” Kurt mumbled, knees buckling, and Finn grinned as he continued.
“And I don’t want anyone instead of you
Oh, babe, I’m goin’ crazy-”
“And I ain’t never met nobody betterer,” Sam interrupted, voice shaking as he looked toward Kurt worriedly. (There were little hearts in his eyes - literally - as he stared at Finn.) Sam didn’t think he’d ever heard this song before, but somehow, he knew what to do. “You’re someone else’s, baby...”
Finn broke in with, “I’m just sick of livin’ for other people,
Took meeting you to realize
I don’t wanna lose you, I wanna keep you
Put your little hand in mine and look into my eyes, baby, eyes!”
“Oh, you make me wanna listen to music again,” Sam said, taking over for Finn again; the other boy glared at him darkly. “Yeah, you make me wanna listen to music again...”
Sam’s voice grew stronger as he took on the next verse. Finn looked pissed, and that could only mean he was doing well.
“There had been many moons before I met you
And I ain’t going nowhere
And now you give me back my raison d’etre
And I’m inspired again...”
Finn jumped on the next part, taking over for Sam, but his voice was now the one that was shaking and he wobbled unsteadily as he and Sam continued circling each other.
“And I know in some ways I’m kinda evil,
Got my roots and you got ties;
But my heart’s no stranger to upheaval,
Put your little hand in mine and look into my eyes, baby, eyes!”
During the instrumental break, Sam looked to the crowd: They were swaying and clapping, seemingly enjoying this, and Kurt was grinning widely as he watched Sam sing. They made eye contact, and Kurt nodded, as if to say, you can do this. Emboldened, Sam turned back to Finn.
“How are you his ex, again?” he asked.
“Crushes count!” Finn said, defensively.
“Sam!” came a voice, and Sam whipped his head around to see Puck, stepping forward from the crowd and holding out an electric guitar. “Catch!”
He threw it forward, and Sam caught it, slipping the strap around himself in one fluid motion. Without even thinking, he broke into the guitar solo, little bolts of lightning appearing in the air around him as he lost himself in the music. The cheering from the crowd grew louder: Sam was winning.
As he played, Sam sang the last verse. “I’m just sick of livin’ for other people,
Took meeting you to realize,
I don’t wanna lose you, I wanna keep you.
Put your little hands in mine and look into my eyes, baby, eyes!”
Still playing, Sam advanced on Finn, who had stopped singing and was holding his hands over his ears, overwhelmed by the sheer power of Sam’s voice.
“Yeah, you make me wanna listen to music again!” Sam exclaimed as the music around him ended, strumming a last, long chord on the guitar, and the sound waves barreled toward Finn; as they met him, Finn’s eyes widened - and then he exploded into coins.
They hovered in the air for a moment, then plummeted to the floor with a soft set of clinks, as the words “+1000” appeared above them. Sam tossed the guitar back to Puck and bent down, collecting them.
“Sweet! Two bucks, that’ll buy me lunch,” Sam said, counting it.
Kurt approached Sam’s side, staring apprehensively at the spot where Finn had disappeared. “Is he-”
“He should regenerate in the choir room; that’s our home base,” said Puck with a shrug as he walked past them, guitar in hand. “I’ll see you later, Sam.”
“Our home base-?” Kurt shouted after him shrilly, but was cut off as the bell rang, and everyone around them scrambled to get to class.
“Well, that was definitely interesting,” Sam said nonchalantly, taking a big bite out of the delicious sandwich that Finn’s coins had bought him.
Across from him, Kurt groaned and let his head fall onto the cafeteria table. “‘Interesting’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.”
“Hey guys,” came a cheerful voice, and Sam turned to see Finn standing beside them, back in normal clothes, holding a lunch tray. “Can I join you?” he added, tentatively.
Kurt glared at him, but offered him the empty seat beside him. Finn sat happily.
Finn Hudson
Relation: Kurt’s Stepbrother
Status: Recently defeated, but okay with it
“Finn, what the hell kind of scheme have you and your assortment of neanderthal friends dreamed up now?” Kurt demanded, forgoing small talk.
Finn stabbed a fork into his tater tots as he replied cheerfully, “Simple. If Sam’s gonna date you, then he has to defeat the League of Evil Exes that Artie and I assembled. We got the idea from this one movie we saw; it was really cool.”
“Finn, Sam and I aren’t even dating,” Kurt said, exasperatedly, and Finn paused, fork to his open mouth.
“You’re not?” he said, finally.
“Finn, could you give us a minute?” Sam asked, before Kurt could reply.
Finn shrugged, getting up. “Sure. I forgot my drink anyway.”
As he departed, Kurt turned to Sam. “What was that?” he hissed. “Of course we’re not dating! You’re straight!”
“Bi, actually,” said Sam with a smirk, and as Kurt’s mouth fell open, he added, “And I dunno. I think ... I think it’d be kinda cool to date you.”
Kurt turned bright pink, and stuttered for a few moments before finally replying with, “That’s... quite flattering.”
“And since the League is apparently comin’ after me, we might as well make it official,” Sam added offhandedly. “So... you in?”
Kurt exhaled; after a long moment, he looked back up at Sam. “Give me some time to think about it?” He offered Sam a half-smile. “You’re kind of the first guy to ever show any interest in me. All of this, it’s ... well, it’s a lot to take in.”
Sam grinned, and there was no malice in his voice as he said, “I can wait. It’s better than a ‘no’, anyway.”
“...I suppose,” Kurt mused, lost in thought, as he looked at Sam. Sam quirked an eyebrow and raised his water bottle to his lips. Kurt, realizing he was staring, blushed furiously again.
Fortunately, Finn chose that time to come back, sipping from a can of Pepsi Lime (the words “+3 to will” appeared beside his head), and sat back down. “We cool, guys?”
Kurt glowered at Finn furiously, but Sam said, “Yeah. We’re cool.” And then added, “By the way, the comic is way better.”
Fresh off of football practice, Sam was headed to the choir room, running a hand through damp hair, when someone abruptly grabbed him and pulled him into a random door.
LEVEL 2: BROOM CLOSET
“What-” Sam said, then blinked as the bare lightbulb above him was turned on, illuminating the sight in front of him. “Puck?”
Noah Puckerman
17 Years Old
Women He’s Slept With: 13
Men He’s Slept With: 3
“Sam Evans,” Puck said ominously, crossing his arms in front of his bare chest, “I am Kurt Hummel’s second evil ex-boyfriend.”
“...Why are you naked?” Sam asked.
Puck arched an eyebrow, smirking and showing not a hint of embarrassment. “Enjoying the view, Evans? Don’t worry; that’s part of the challenge.”
Sam tried very, very hard to only look at Puck’s eyes. “That’s - I don’t - how the hell are you Kurt’s ex?” he settled on.
Puck shrugged. “Only way Santana and Brittany would go for a threesome was if I showed them pictures of me making out with guys. Apparently it turns them on or something? Whatever, I was horny and Kurt was willing, so we made out. He doesn’t like to talk about it.”
“I can’t imagine why,” Sam said, fighting hard to keep his voice even. “Did this making out lead to... y’know. Other stuff?”
Puck smirked again. “Oh no, Evans. That’s your job. I challenge you to ... A SEX OFF.” His voice echoed ominously on the last word, despite the fact that they were in a broom cupboard.
“...Come again?” Sam said, after a moment, before realizing he could have phrased that better.
“It’s simple. We have sex. Whoever comes first, loses,” Puck said nonchalantly. “And I warn you, you’re dealing with The Sex Shark™, so it’s probably no contest.”
“No. I won’t. Absolutely not,” Sam said immediately. “That’s not even- you helped me, Puck. Earlier today, when I was battling Finn. Why would you do that if you’re gonna fight me now?”
“Dude, I’ve wanted to bang you ever since ‘Billionaire’. I almost jumped your bones right there in the choir room,” Puck said. “I had to make sure you’d make it to The Sex Off.”
“Right, so instead of just asking me out like a normal dude, you did... this.” Sam gestured to Puck and his nakedness. “Why do we have to-”
“Rules of the game, Evans,” Puck interrupted with another shrug. “You wanna date Kurt, you gotta go through us first.”
Suddenly Puck was right in front of Sam, face inches from his, voice dripping with seduction as he added, “You do want to date Kurt, don’t you?”
Sam took a long moment before he very gently reached up and pushed Puck back a few inches. “I do. But I don’t think having sex with you is gonna win me any points with him.”
“Fine,” Puck said, rolling his eyes, “We’ll jerk off. Don’t even have to touch each other. Same rules apply, though; whoever finishes first -”
“Disappears into a pile of coins, yeah, yeah, I got it,” Sam said. He reached for his own jeans hesitantly, as Puck waited with an expectant look, but before he’d even undone his belt, Sam had a wicked idea. A lightbulb appeared above his head, further illuminating the cramped cupboard.
“Puck,” Sam said, and Puck tilted his head. “Angelina Jolie.”
“What?” Puck said, uncomprehending.
“Angelina Jolie. Naked, in a bathtub, with soap all over her,” Sam said, grinning evilly. Beside Puck, a “horniness meter” appeared in the air, with a little blue bar down at 2 out of 10. “She’s rubbing it into her skin. Into her stomach, along her thighs, across her boobs...”
4 out of 10. “Dude, not fair,” Puck complained, looking down at himself. “Stop it.”
“Santana and Brittany. They’re making out in their Cheerio uniforms. And they’re going commando.”
6 out of 10. “Oh, god,” Puck groaned, and started to reach down before he thought better of it. “Wait, no. Stop!”
“Santana, reclining on a sofa. She’s only wearing a bra and panties. She’s slowly reaching up to take off her bra... her breasts slip free... she starts pulling the panties down...”
“Stop!” Puck pleaded, not even touching himself and his horniness meter was at 9. “Stop!”
“Oh, no, Puck,” Sam laughed, advancing on him, and Puck fell to the floor, reaching out to the shelves around him to steady himself as he gaped, open-mouthed, up at Sam. “I know your secret. Who do you find more attractive than anyone alive?”
Puck, breathing heavily, didn’t answer; the blue bar was almost at its peak.
“That’s right,” Sam said, reaching past him and grabbing an object that was leaning next to one of the shelves. “Yourself.”
He held up a mirror in front of Puck, and Puck’s mouth dropped open. He groaned, body shaking-
And exploded into a haze of coins, his groan the only other thing he left behind. A bright blue “+2000” appeared in the air.
“Didn’t even have to take my pants off.” Sam smirked as he gathered up the change - sixty-nine cents, naturally. He pocketed it, then turned around and reached for the door. He pulled it open- and found a very unwelcome surprise standing in front of it.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck you were saying about me in there?” Santana demanded, poking him in the chest.
A SEVERE ASS-KICKING LATER
“Sam, wait up!” Kurt called from behind him, and Sam slowed from his walk through the parking lot to allow Kurt to catch up. The smaller boy gazed up at his face. “Why are there bruises all over you?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Sam said with a wince, and held up a container of guava juice. “This has +5 to healing; they’ll all be gone after I drain the bottle.”
“Okay...” Kurt said, slowly. “Do you know why Puck just randomly appeared stark naked in the middle of Glee?”
“He must’ve regenerated,” Sam said easily, sliding an arm around Kurt’s shoulders. “Was he embarrassed?”
“Not really - you know him, always loves a chance to show off his body,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes. “What did you have to do?”
Sam hesitated. “He... challenged me to a sex-off.”
Kurt’s eyes bugged out of his head like a cartoon character’s. “He did WHAT?” he shrieked, and an emoticon appeared beside him: :O
“I didn’t have sex with him,” Sam added hastily. “I managed to make him... finish... without touching him.”
Kurt blinked. “That’s... quite a skill you have there.”
Sam finally laughed, despite the pain it caused him. “Or maybe Puck’s not quite the sex shark that he says he is.”
Kurt blinked, then laughed too; Sam took a moment to notice how nice it was when he laughed, and resolved to make Kurt do it more often.
“Well, anyway,” Kurt said, still giggling as he pulled out his keys, “Do you need a ride home?”
“I have my own car, but thanks,” Sam smiled. “Though that Navigator there is pretty slick.”
“It’s my baby,” Kurt acknowledged, clicking the lock, and the car chirped happily (the words BEEP BEEP appearing beside it). “I’ll see you later, Sam.”
“Kurt,” Sam called after him, and Kurt paused as he opened the driver’s door. Sam’s expression was serious. “You doing okay?”
Kurt smiled, and it was a real, genuine smile. “I’ve never been better.”
PART TWO