The House Call (1 of 4-ish)
I can't effing believe I'm doing this, but here goes...
* * *
The House Call
a My Little Pony: Frienship is Magic / House M.D. crossover fic
(yes, you frikkin' heard me)
* * *
[Fade in on the Ponyville library, exterior shot, early morning, quickly cutting to an interior one. Twilight Sparkle stands at her podium. She is busily drafting a plan of some kind using the traditional quill-and-telekinesis method.]
Twilight Sparkle: …and one last cantilevered bridge here, and… we're done!
[Spike the miniature dragon wanders in, looking a bit bleary-eyed. He wears a little bathrobe and holds a mug of hot coffee with a ruby floating in it. Twilight lifts the plan off her podium and turns to show it to him. Depicted on the plan is the city of Cloudsdale, all pillars and towers and rainbows.]
Twilight: Oh, Spike, isn't this wonderful?
Spike (blinking): It looks like Cloudsdale, Twilight.
Twilight: That's because it *is*, Spike! It's a complete skywriting flight plan that will allow a single Pony aerialist to produce a scale model of the city of Cloudsdale in the sky! I've been working on it for Rainbow Dash.
Spike: Is that for the Latesummer's Eve art show tonight?
Twilight: Yep! With Rainbow Dash's bright rainbow trail forming the lines and my brilliant plan guiding the way, we're sure to win the Latesummer's Eve Art Cup!
Spike (yawning): Fantastic. I don't suppose the cup is filled with pearls or precious stones or anything like that?
Twilight: Oh, Spike. Always thinking with your stomach.
Spike: Well, somebody's gotta.
Twilight: Now I just need to find Rainbow Dash, and --
Rainbow Dash (from outside the front door): TWIIILIGHT!
Twilight (mildly amused): Or, I could just let her find me.
[Rainbow Dash bursts in through the door. Her eyes are wide and panicked, and she looks generally unwell.]
Rainbow: Twilight, you've gotta help me!
Twilight: Rainbow, what's wrong?
Rainbow: What's wrong? I'll show you what's wrong!
[Rainbow bunches her legs underneath her, raises her wings, and zips across to the other side of the room. Instead of her usual rainbow trail, Rainbow leaves only a bright red streak in the air. Spike pokes at it, frowning.]
Twilight: Rainbow, your trail! It's… red!
Rainbow: I know it's red, silly! This stinks! How am I ever going to skywrite a model of Cloudsdale when all I can trail is red?
[Rainbow zips close to Twilight. Her eyes are strange and feverish.]
Rainbow: THE WONDERBOLTS ARE GOING TO BE THERE.
Twilight (dubious): Rainbow, are you… all right?
[At just this moment, Applejack bursts in through the door.]
Applejack: Whoa, Nelly! There y'are, Rainbow Dash! I been turnin' over every leaf in Ponyville lookin' for you!
Twilight: Applejack, what in Equestria is going on here?
Applejack (nodding at Rainbow): That little filly right there is un-well, Twilight. We was walkin' through Sweet Apple Acres talkin' about her little "redness problem" when suddenly she fell right down, like a sawed-off tree! Wham! Sayin' her stomach felt like it'd been kicked!
Rainbow: Forget my tummyache, Twilight. You gotta use your magic and put some colors back in my trail!
Twilight: But Rainbow, I don't even know what's wrong, much less how to fix it!
Rainbow: Please, Twilight! We gotta win that cup! The Wonderbolts are going to be watching! I've been to everyone in town and nobody can put my colors back. I need you to fix me!
Twilight: Rainbow, I --
Rainbow (staring intently at Twilight, her knees beginning to shake): Promise me, Twilight.
Twilight (sighing): I promise, Rainbow.
[She turns away from Dash, then, and raises her head proudly.]
Twilight: I promise. Even if everypony else has failed you, I myself will figure out a way to find what stole the colors from your trail. We can still win the Latesummer's Eve Art Cup tonight, Rainbow. Just you wait and see.
[Rainbow Dash's knees buckle, and she moans and tumbles to the floor, semiconscious.]
Applejack (prodding the collapsed Rainbow with one hoof): And while you're on that, you better look into this "falling over" thing, too.
Twilight: Oh, dear.
Spike (approaching cautiously from behind): What is it?
Twilight: Spike, I… think we might need a doctor.
* * *
[Credit sequence, featuring a rather impressive mashup of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme and Massive Attack's Teardrop. It's actually really cool. I totally wish you could hear it.]
* * *
[Fade in on the Library's upper bedroom, looking a little crowded. All six of the main cast ponies are here, milling around nervously, except Rainbow Dash, who is sleeping fitfully in one of the beds. Twilight has called in one of Ponyville's finest diagnostic physicians, a small, grumpy-looking bright yellow Unicorn Pony with an egregiously rumpled mane and a caduceus-shaped cutie mark. This is Dr. Housecall. He stands in front of a blackboard, leaning one of his front hooves heavily on a cane. Housecall is accompanied by a smooth-looking crooked-eared Diamond Dog dressed in a little white lab coat.]
Housecall (telekinetically lifting the chalk and writing on the blackboard as he talks): Patient is a post-cutie mark filly, presenting with stomach pain and a lack of color in her trail. Go.
[Rarity, a prim little white Unicorn Pony, interrupts almost immediately.]
Rarity: Excuse me, but… who exactly are you?
Twilight: This is Doctor Housecall, Rarity. He specializes in figuring out what's wrong with sick ponies and fixing them up.
Rarity: I know Doctor Housecall. I'm not familiar with that dirty… smelly… dog following him around.
Housecall (glancing back at the Diamond Dog): Who, this? This is Doctor Tailchase.
Tailchase (strong Aussie accent): Call me Chase.
Rarity: I wish I could say I was pleased to meet him. Is he really necessary?
Housecall: Of course he is! He's my minion. Don't you have a minion?
Rarity (sniffing): No.
Housecall: Well, you should. They're fantastically useful. But I suppose you're all too gag-inducingly sweet to want minions.
Twilight (defensively): I have a minion.
[Twilight calls out.]
Twilight: SPIIIiiiIIIKE!
[Spike rushes in.]
Spike: What's the matter, Twilight? Is Rainbow Dash feeling better already? Can we go back to practicing the Funny Burp spell on me?
Twilight (smugly, to Housecall): See? Minion.
Housecall: Charming. You can go back to where you came from, Small-And-Scaly. Your momma just wanted you here to prove a point.
Twilight: Run along, Spike. Doctor Housecall is working. Or at least he should be working.
Housecall: Gasp, that's right! I'm here to do a job! I wonder who or what might have interrupted me in the middle of my differential a minute or so ago?
[Rarity rolls her eyes and sighs theatrically but says nothing.]
Housecall: Like I was saying: stomach pain and cherry-red Pegasus trails.
Chase: Could be trauma. She's an aerialist. They get kicked about quite a bit.
Housecall: Bzzt. Wrong Aerialists get kicked in the face or the extremities, not the gut. And doesn't explain the red trails.
[Fluttershy, the main cast's other Pegasus Pony, is hovering near a nearby bookcase.]
Fluttershy: Ex-- excuse me.
Housecall (rounding on her): You have something to add, add it. Don't waste my time with pleasantries.
Fluttershy: Well -- I was… just wondering if it might be nervousness.
Twillight: Nervousness?
Applejack: Rainbow Dash's got the self-confidence of a bear with a bee-proof hide, sugarcube.
Fluttershy: Oh -- I know. It's just… the other day she was telling me how worried she was about performing for the Wonderbolts. All those very important eyes, judging her. That would give me a tummy ache.
[Pinkie Pie pipes up.]
Pinkie Pie: That's not what gives me a tummy ache. What gives me a tummy ache is a triple hot tamale cupcake with super extra hot sauce on it! Just like the ones I served at my Hot Sauce Party two days ago!
Chase (cocking his head): Triple hot tamale… cupcakes?
Pinkie Pie (brightly): Mm hm! I love hot sauce! It makes people act funny! First they get the hiccups, then their faces turn all red, and --
Twilight: Their faces turn red?
Pinkie Pie: Uh huh!
Twilight (inquisitively): Could too much hot sauce cause a rainbow trail to turn red?
Pinkie Pie: Well, yeah, I suppose. But I don't see what difference that makes. Rainbow Dash came to my Hot Sauce Party but she didn't eat a thing! Not even my green pepper punch!
Housecall: Seems a little out of character, doesn't it? Our danger-loving thrill-seeker over there goes to an extreme food party but doesn't actually eat anything?
Chase: You think she already had the tummy ache two days ago?
Housecall: I think she chickened out. Sounds like Her Pinkness over there has built up a tolerance to super-hot peppers. A Type-A Pegasus filly like our patient wouldn't be content to let a little Earth Pony best her in competitive eating. Especially not one with such a ridiculous hairstyle.
Pinkie Pie: Hey!
Twilight: But you think she ate some anyway.
Housecall: She probably tucked a couple under her wing so she could wimp out in the privacy of her own home later on. We need to search her house for evidence of hot pepper cupcake eating. Look for crumbs.
Applejack: How're we gonna do that? Rainbow Dash's house is way up yonder in the clouds!
Housecall (glaring at Fluttershy): Hm. What a shame we don't have anyone else around here who can fly.
[Fluttershy cowers behind her hairstyle.]
Housecall (turning away): Chase, take Fluttershy and the rest of these idiots. Find me those cupcakes.
[Everybody begins milling out of the Library's upper room. Rarity is last in line. Housecall accosts her.]
Housecall (to Rarity): Not you. You're staying here to have a little Unicorn klatch with me.
[After everyone else has gone, Housecall stares at Rarity.]
Housecall: What do you have against Diamond Dogs?
[to be continued…]
* * *
The House Call
a My Little Pony: Frienship is Magic / House M.D. crossover fic
(yes, you frikkin' heard me)
* * *
[Fade in on the Ponyville library, exterior shot, early morning, quickly cutting to an interior one. Twilight Sparkle stands at her podium. She is busily drafting a plan of some kind using the traditional quill-and-telekinesis method.]
Twilight Sparkle: …and one last cantilevered bridge here, and… we're done!
[Spike the miniature dragon wanders in, looking a bit bleary-eyed. He wears a little bathrobe and holds a mug of hot coffee with a ruby floating in it. Twilight lifts the plan off her podium and turns to show it to him. Depicted on the plan is the city of Cloudsdale, all pillars and towers and rainbows.]
Twilight: Oh, Spike, isn't this wonderful?
Spike (blinking): It looks like Cloudsdale, Twilight.
Twilight: That's because it *is*, Spike! It's a complete skywriting flight plan that will allow a single Pony aerialist to produce a scale model of the city of Cloudsdale in the sky! I've been working on it for Rainbow Dash.
Spike: Is that for the Latesummer's Eve art show tonight?
Twilight: Yep! With Rainbow Dash's bright rainbow trail forming the lines and my brilliant plan guiding the way, we're sure to win the Latesummer's Eve Art Cup!
Spike (yawning): Fantastic. I don't suppose the cup is filled with pearls or precious stones or anything like that?
Twilight: Oh, Spike. Always thinking with your stomach.
Spike: Well, somebody's gotta.
Twilight: Now I just need to find Rainbow Dash, and --
Rainbow Dash (from outside the front door): TWIIILIGHT!
Twilight (mildly amused): Or, I could just let her find me.
[Rainbow Dash bursts in through the door. Her eyes are wide and panicked, and she looks generally unwell.]
Rainbow: Twilight, you've gotta help me!
Twilight: Rainbow, what's wrong?
Rainbow: What's wrong? I'll show you what's wrong!
[Rainbow bunches her legs underneath her, raises her wings, and zips across to the other side of the room. Instead of her usual rainbow trail, Rainbow leaves only a bright red streak in the air. Spike pokes at it, frowning.]
Twilight: Rainbow, your trail! It's… red!
Rainbow: I know it's red, silly! This stinks! How am I ever going to skywrite a model of Cloudsdale when all I can trail is red?
[Rainbow zips close to Twilight. Her eyes are strange and feverish.]
Rainbow: THE WONDERBOLTS ARE GOING TO BE THERE.
Twilight (dubious): Rainbow, are you… all right?
[At just this moment, Applejack bursts in through the door.]
Applejack: Whoa, Nelly! There y'are, Rainbow Dash! I been turnin' over every leaf in Ponyville lookin' for you!
Twilight: Applejack, what in Equestria is going on here?
Applejack (nodding at Rainbow): That little filly right there is un-well, Twilight. We was walkin' through Sweet Apple Acres talkin' about her little "redness problem" when suddenly she fell right down, like a sawed-off tree! Wham! Sayin' her stomach felt like it'd been kicked!
Rainbow: Forget my tummyache, Twilight. You gotta use your magic and put some colors back in my trail!
Twilight: But Rainbow, I don't even know what's wrong, much less how to fix it!
Rainbow: Please, Twilight! We gotta win that cup! The Wonderbolts are going to be watching! I've been to everyone in town and nobody can put my colors back. I need you to fix me!
Twilight: Rainbow, I --
Rainbow (staring intently at Twilight, her knees beginning to shake): Promise me, Twilight.
Twilight (sighing): I promise, Rainbow.
[She turns away from Dash, then, and raises her head proudly.]
Twilight: I promise. Even if everypony else has failed you, I myself will figure out a way to find what stole the colors from your trail. We can still win the Latesummer's Eve Art Cup tonight, Rainbow. Just you wait and see.
[Rainbow Dash's knees buckle, and she moans and tumbles to the floor, semiconscious.]
Applejack (prodding the collapsed Rainbow with one hoof): And while you're on that, you better look into this "falling over" thing, too.
Twilight: Oh, dear.
Spike (approaching cautiously from behind): What is it?
Twilight: Spike, I… think we might need a doctor.
* * *
[Credit sequence, featuring a rather impressive mashup of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme and Massive Attack's Teardrop. It's actually really cool. I totally wish you could hear it.]
* * *
[Fade in on the Library's upper bedroom, looking a little crowded. All six of the main cast ponies are here, milling around nervously, except Rainbow Dash, who is sleeping fitfully in one of the beds. Twilight has called in one of Ponyville's finest diagnostic physicians, a small, grumpy-looking bright yellow Unicorn Pony with an egregiously rumpled mane and a caduceus-shaped cutie mark. This is Dr. Housecall. He stands in front of a blackboard, leaning one of his front hooves heavily on a cane. Housecall is accompanied by a smooth-looking crooked-eared Diamond Dog dressed in a little white lab coat.]
Housecall (telekinetically lifting the chalk and writing on the blackboard as he talks): Patient is a post-cutie mark filly, presenting with stomach pain and a lack of color in her trail. Go.
[Rarity, a prim little white Unicorn Pony, interrupts almost immediately.]
Rarity: Excuse me, but… who exactly are you?
Twilight: This is Doctor Housecall, Rarity. He specializes in figuring out what's wrong with sick ponies and fixing them up.
Rarity: I know Doctor Housecall. I'm not familiar with that dirty… smelly… dog following him around.
Housecall (glancing back at the Diamond Dog): Who, this? This is Doctor Tailchase.
Tailchase (strong Aussie accent): Call me Chase.
Rarity: I wish I could say I was pleased to meet him. Is he really necessary?
Housecall: Of course he is! He's my minion. Don't you have a minion?
Rarity (sniffing): No.
Housecall: Well, you should. They're fantastically useful. But I suppose you're all too gag-inducingly sweet to want minions.
Twilight (defensively): I have a minion.
[Twilight calls out.]
Twilight: SPIIIiiiIIIKE!
[Spike rushes in.]
Spike: What's the matter, Twilight? Is Rainbow Dash feeling better already? Can we go back to practicing the Funny Burp spell on me?
Twilight (smugly, to Housecall): See? Minion.
Housecall: Charming. You can go back to where you came from, Small-And-Scaly. Your momma just wanted you here to prove a point.
Twilight: Run along, Spike. Doctor Housecall is working. Or at least he should be working.
Housecall: Gasp, that's right! I'm here to do a job! I wonder who or what might have interrupted me in the middle of my differential a minute or so ago?
[Rarity rolls her eyes and sighs theatrically but says nothing.]
Housecall: Like I was saying: stomach pain and cherry-red Pegasus trails.
Chase: Could be trauma. She's an aerialist. They get kicked about quite a bit.
Housecall: Bzzt. Wrong Aerialists get kicked in the face or the extremities, not the gut. And doesn't explain the red trails.
[Fluttershy, the main cast's other Pegasus Pony, is hovering near a nearby bookcase.]
Fluttershy: Ex-- excuse me.
Housecall (rounding on her): You have something to add, add it. Don't waste my time with pleasantries.
Fluttershy: Well -- I was… just wondering if it might be nervousness.
Twillight: Nervousness?
Applejack: Rainbow Dash's got the self-confidence of a bear with a bee-proof hide, sugarcube.
Fluttershy: Oh -- I know. It's just… the other day she was telling me how worried she was about performing for the Wonderbolts. All those very important eyes, judging her. That would give me a tummy ache.
[Pinkie Pie pipes up.]
Pinkie Pie: That's not what gives me a tummy ache. What gives me a tummy ache is a triple hot tamale cupcake with super extra hot sauce on it! Just like the ones I served at my Hot Sauce Party two days ago!
Chase (cocking his head): Triple hot tamale… cupcakes?
Pinkie Pie (brightly): Mm hm! I love hot sauce! It makes people act funny! First they get the hiccups, then their faces turn all red, and --
Twilight: Their faces turn red?
Pinkie Pie: Uh huh!
Twilight (inquisitively): Could too much hot sauce cause a rainbow trail to turn red?
Pinkie Pie: Well, yeah, I suppose. But I don't see what difference that makes. Rainbow Dash came to my Hot Sauce Party but she didn't eat a thing! Not even my green pepper punch!
Housecall: Seems a little out of character, doesn't it? Our danger-loving thrill-seeker over there goes to an extreme food party but doesn't actually eat anything?
Chase: You think she already had the tummy ache two days ago?
Housecall: I think she chickened out. Sounds like Her Pinkness over there has built up a tolerance to super-hot peppers. A Type-A Pegasus filly like our patient wouldn't be content to let a little Earth Pony best her in competitive eating. Especially not one with such a ridiculous hairstyle.
Pinkie Pie: Hey!
Twilight: But you think she ate some anyway.
Housecall: She probably tucked a couple under her wing so she could wimp out in the privacy of her own home later on. We need to search her house for evidence of hot pepper cupcake eating. Look for crumbs.
Applejack: How're we gonna do that? Rainbow Dash's house is way up yonder in the clouds!
Housecall (glaring at Fluttershy): Hm. What a shame we don't have anyone else around here who can fly.
[Fluttershy cowers behind her hairstyle.]
Housecall (turning away): Chase, take Fluttershy and the rest of these idiots. Find me those cupcakes.
[Everybody begins milling out of the Library's upper room. Rarity is last in line. Housecall accosts her.]
Housecall (to Rarity): Not you. You're staying here to have a little Unicorn klatch with me.
[After everyone else has gone, Housecall stares at Rarity.]
Housecall: What do you have against Diamond Dogs?
[to be continued…]