Only Look At Me (chapter twelve)
Chapter Twelve
“Just do it faster, will you?” JaeJoong glared at the smiling Siwon as the man soaked the cotton with alcohol.
“Afraid?” He teased while flashing the soft, white ball of fiber in front of the glaring JaeJoong. He can’t help but smile widely at the man’s pout.
“Of course not! It’s just…”
Siwon laughed. “You’re afraid.” Siwon looked at him meaningfully. He slowly and ever so carefully moved the cotton ball nearer to JaeJoong’s cuts on his arms.
“Ouch~” JaeJoong winced and moved to back away but Siwon’s tight grip on his arm didn’t permit him so. He felt a light blow of air on top of his now alcohol-dabbed wounds and as he opened his eyes he saw Siwon blowing air to his cuts to ease the pain.
“Done! It’s just that easy, see?” Siwon merrily said but his eyes told another story, “Are you still afraid now?” He asked suddenly earning a confused look from the man.
“Huh?”
“You know what, healing a wound and a heart is the same thing.” JaeJoong immediately stopped inspecting his wound at that but he never dared to look at the man. He’s kind of expecting this to happen, a “heart-to-heart” talk if you can call this one, knowing how nosy and delving Siwon can be. The man will not just ignore why he hurt himself and as he can guess that Siwon knew he was acting like this because of Yunho. “Playing philosopher this time hmm?” He tried to joke but Siwon just shrug it off.
“What do you want me to do then?”
“Let me heal you.”
“What are you talking about? There’s nothing to be healed.”
“There is.” Siwon said certainly. “You know what I’m saying JaeJoongie but don’t be afraid.”
“I’M NOT!” JaeJoong yelled.
“You’re afraid, JaeJoongie. Very afraid. You’re afraid that if you let someone see your wounds they’ll hurt you more, take advantage of your vulnerability, and exploit your weakness. But JaeJoongie, your wounds are too deep, too deep that you can’t just heal it yourself and its worse to ignore it. You need someone to heal you from the inside.” Siwon held JaeJoong’s hands which were trembling in the man’s lap. “You don’t need to be strong this time, just let your wounds bleed so that the things that infect you will come out and I will always be there to wipe your wounds and blow the pain away. JaeJoongie, just this one, let me heal you, let me love you.” He begged.
JaeJoong now let his tears fell. Despite himself, he knew that he needs someone to fall back on and that the only person that can help him was the man in front of him. “Heal me…please…”
***+***
The man with auburn hair stared indifferently down at his ordered lunch before he took the onions and cabbage out of his dish. He also took out the ice from his carrot juice and the strawberry on his strawberry shortcake. After all the removing and extracting, he lifted his head and found his co-workers in the recording company looking at him as if he grew a tail or something.
“What?” his eyebrows knitted in confusion. Yoochun, the general manager, laughed in his deep voice, “Hyung, what are you doing? You don’t like onions and cabbage? Strawberry? And ice too? Why didn’t you just tell the waiter not to put those?” The man with the curly hair smiled while shaking his head in amusement. “Better yet, order another dish. You’re weird.”
He looked down at the “discarded” veggies and ice.
“Yunho-hyung always does that ever since he started having lunch with us.” ChangMin butted in.
“Hmmm…you never had your lunch with us before, ne? You’re always with your gorgeous lawyer-boyfriend during lunch. What happened? Is he still in the hospital? “ ChangMin asked with his mouth full of kimchi. Yunho’s face visibly darkened at the mention of JaeJoong. “Ooopsie, looks like I stepped on a landmine.” ChangMin felt nervous while Yoochun just looked at older man.
He remained silent and focused on his food.
It had been a week since JaeJoong was discharged from the hospital and he hadn’t seen the man since then. He can’t refrain himself to look at the onions and cabbage at his plate. Yoochun was right, he can just ask the waiter to remove the veggies and ice, and he shouldn’t order that damn strawberry shortcake, he can ask for another dessert because he doesn’t like strawberries at all, it was JaeJoong’s favorite though. He cursed JaeJoong in his mind.
This is all the fault of his ex-boyfriend. He liked to spend his whole life eating with him, trading parts of his food with him, that’s why it was so hard for him to ask someone to remove those beforehand. It was a habit he developed with JaeJoong. Is JaeJoong doing the same thing now? Does he think of me now?
Shit! When will he be able to forget and live without that man? This morning Yoochun asked him if he wants to adopt a stray cat or dog from an animal welfare foundation and automatically and unfortunately, he raised his hand, thinking that JaeJoong would definitely kill him if he didn’t tell him about it. He was midway asking Yoochun for the address of the foundation when he realized that he doesn’t have the chance to tell JaeJoong anything about the poor animals. The man will be definitely go berserk again if he sees his face.
Annoyed, Yunho took a cigarette and brought it to his mouth and he was about to light the nicotine stick…
How many times do I have to tell you that smoking won’t do anything good for you!
There! He heard JaeJoong again and he cursed himself. Everywhere he looks, wherever he goes, whenever he eats, whatever he does, buys, hears, JaeJoong always come into his mind.
He buried his forehead in his palm.
He should be mad; he should hate him after all the man did.
Damn, JaeJoong! Get out of my head!
“Yunho-hyung. What’s happening to you? Are you sick?” ChangMin asked worriedly.
He shook his head no to his dongsaeng.
“I better go home. I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well.” He didn’t finish his lunch. He stood up and got out of the restaurant in no time then immediately hopped inside his car.
He rested his head on top of his arms that was folded on the steering wheel. These past few days, it became a habit of him. He would rest his head there for some minutes, trying to clear his mind.
Until now, he’s still in disbelief. Never in his wildest dream would he think that JaeJoong can do what he did to Seul Gi . Never. Not JaeJoong.
Whenever he thinks of that, he felt his blood rushing to his head. Those things are unforgivable. It was too selfish, too cruel, and too heartless. How could he? But greater than anger he felt betrayed. How can JaeJoong hide all those things to him?
Then there was also the thing with Seul Gi. After the incident in their teacher’s house, he never got the chance to meet her again. There are so many things that happened after JaeJoong’s confession-there was the accident, the break-up and there was work too.
What could he do after he knew everything? Must he do something? JaeJoong said that Seul Gi actually likes him back then, that she wrote to him for two years. Clearly, she seemed to have feelings for him, but did she still have those feeling for him now? Him, what was he feeling right now? He loved her before. If JaeJoong didn’t interfere, he could be with Seul Gi now. Even if he was with JaeJoong over the years, a part of him hadn’t moved on yet and still attached to Seul Gi, right?
At this point, Yunho closed his eyes.
All over the years, he felt that there is a part of him that he didn’t give to JaeJoong, a part that he left to Seul Gi. Did JaeJoong feel that too?
Was this his fault too?
He still can’t believe this. He was still wishing that everything is just a shitty dream and he wished to be woken up soon. He wished that JaeJoong didn’t lock Seul Gi in the storage room, didn’t keep the letters from him but more importantly, he wished that it wasn’t true that he is not with JaeJoong now.
“Fuck! Fuck it!” He cursed repeatedly. Feeling his confusion grow, he stepped on the gas pedal. He was not that far from the restaurant when his car stopped in red light. He tapped his finger impatiently, waiting the light to turn green, and then his eyes caught something that made his jaw clenched tightly.
In front of his car, JaeJoong was crossing the road together with that bastard lawyer Choi Siwon. His eyes followed the pair as they walked pass his car.
JaeJoong was smiling, he was laughing! Shit! The bitch didn’t notice that he just walked pass his car. It took him lots of effort not to climb out from his car and snatch JaeJoong from the possessive hold of Siwon at JaeJoong’s shoulder.
Yunho didn’t notice that he was holding his breath because of the emotions he was feeling.
JaeJoong, his JaeJoong, looked happy. He looked happy with that bastard.
A loud honk from the car behind him brought Yunho back to reality. He looked up and saw the light in green. He sped off in his car.