nowhere to run
nowhere to run ☆ 01/03
→ !au; jaejoong/yoochun; nc-17
→ wc: 8684 / ?
→ warnings/spoilers: Underage sex (16 & 17), talk of past non-con, graphic violence, language, mental illness, attempted suicide
Summary: After years of depression and suicidal behavior, 17 year old Park Yoochun is sent to a psychiatric ward for treatment. There, he meets Kim Jaejoong, an unstable 16 year old with a major anger problems. It’s just lust or love(?) at first sight? Later, when they have a chance for escape, they take it right away and run. After a wild week on the road, both boys learn that there are some things you just can’t run away from
It was just after midnight the night Yoochun stormed out of the house and tore out of the driveway in his mother’s car. He was going too fast, but Yoochun really didn’t care as he struggled to right the car around a particularly sharp turn. Tightening his fingers on the wheel, he stepped on the accelerator and skidded around the corner at the end of some block of shady Seoul part of city, streaking the pavement in his wake.
The world outside was a blur, from either his speed or the tears in his eyes, it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. They could all go to hell - his mother, the fucking shrink. He wasn’t going to let them do this. He’d be 18 soon, and then they couldn’t do it. He just had to get away.
Where you gonna to go, huh? There’s no place they can’t get to you.
Fuck. Yoochun was so tired - tired of trying, tired of caring.
I know you, and I know you can’t handle it. You can’t run anymore. You can’t hide from it this time.
The car swerved as he wiped the tears from his eyes. Yoochun barely had time to jerk the wheel back and avoid taking out someone’s mailbox.
You know what you have to do.
There was no question about it. And just like that, Yoochun could breathe again. The rush of fear and adrenaline were replaced by a sense of calm. His crying ceased and his grip on the steering wheel loosened. He knew what he was going to do now. He knew where he was going, the big tree at the end of left side of the roadway. It was perfect.
He had to slow down a little as he came around the last corner but he sped up again as the tree came into sight. Finally. There was no more thinking, no more feeling, just determination, before everything went black.
~~~~~
“Yoochun, are you listening?”
The voice seemed to be coming from far away, and it took Yoochun a moment to concentrate enough to realize his mother was talking to him. When he forced himself to drag his attention back to her face, he saw she was sitting next to him, her brow furrowed in concern.
“You need to pay attention, Yoochun,” she said, reaching out to give his arm a light squeeze. “Dr. Martin is talking to you.”
Yoochun’s therapist, Dr. Martin, was sitting across from them behind a large desk, looking at Yoochun with well-practiced sympathy. Yoochun was so not in the mood for this.
“Your mother was just telling me about what brought you here today. But I’d rather hear about it from you.”
Yoochun crossed his arms and slouched down into his chair. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I understand that, I do. But you’re here so we can help you and in order to do that, you’re going to have to talk about things that make you uncomfortable.”
Yoochun sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor.
“Yoochun…” his mother started.
Yoochun rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Fine. I was upset, so I went for a drive.”
“Uh huh.” The doctor said, tapping his pencil on the desk.
“And I got in an accident.”
This was stupid. They already knew all this; Yoochun could see the accident report and the photographs of the wreckage lying on the desk.
“They think I did it on purpose, but I didn’t.” He glanced briefly at his mom and then back to the doctor. It was clear from the look on their faces that they didn’t believe him.
“I didn’t!”
Dr. Martin glanced down at the photos in front of him and said, “You wrapped your car around a tree going almost 50 miles an hour.”
“It was an accident.”
“According to the police report, there wasn’t any obvious reason for you to swerve off the road, and there were no skid marks.”
Yoochun didn’t respond to that. He clenched his hands into fists and looked back at the floor.
“You said you were upset. Can you tell me what about?”
Gritting his teeth, Yoochun ground out, “I don’t remember.”
“I told him I wanted to get him some help,” his mother said and Yoochun cringed.
Help, my ass. Tell him the truth.
“She wanted to lock me up!”
“You weren’t giving me much of a choice, Yoochun! You stopped eating. You slept constantly, refused to leave the house. You were seeing things, hearing things. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let you go on like that.”
Deep down, Yoochun understood where she was coming from, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.
~~~~~
With a sprawling ground about 52 acres, Riverview looked nice enough on the outside. Yoochun couldn't understand why it was called Riverview though cause there wasn't a damned river in sight. In fact, the four main buildings of the campus seemed to be surrounded by grass fields for as far as the eye could see.
The building they took Yoochun to was four stories high. The main entrance was gated and locked and after walking down a series of long hallways, and going through several more gates, they finally arrived at what Dr. Martin called Ward A, where Yoochun would be staying.
Inside, the place looked like a hospital-sterile, with pale blue carpeting and bare walls. The hall was empty, lacking even a plant for decoration. Yoochun liked it, the wide open space gave him room to breathe.
His mother tried to give him a hug but Yoochun brushed her off, rolling his eyes when she sucked in a choked breath and wiped back her tears. Yoochun didn’t buy it for a second. She was getting what she wanted, her crazy son locked up and out of her hair.
After saying goodbye, Yoochun was left with an orderly who introduced himself as TaeHyun. Yoochun immediately hated him. The man’s dark hair and deep green eyes reminded him a little too much of someone he used to know. Someone he would much rather forget about.
With one last look at the locked doors behind him, Yoochun followed TaeHyun around the corner to the nurse’s station, where one of the nurses was clearly waiting for him.
“I’m HanYeul,” she said, her eyes gleaming as she gave Yoochun a friendly smile. She was attractive, with dark brown hair and slightly tan like skin that stood out against the harsh white of her scrubs. Yoochun tried to smile back but a slight twitch of his lip was all he could manage.
It doesn’t matter. They don’t really care about you.
“I know,” Yoochun muttered under his breath.
“What was that?” HanYeul asked as she sat two little paper cups on the counter in front of Yoochun.
“Nothing. What’s this?” Yoochun nodded down at the cups. One of them held two pills, the other, some water.
“This is your medication. Dr. Martin proscribed 250 mg. of Lithium and 400 mg of Seroquel.”
Yoochun shook his head. “I don’t need any pills.”
HanYeul’s smile disappeared and she glanced over Yoochun’s shoulder at TaeHyun.
“We’re not going to have a problem here, are we?” TaeHuyn asked, his hand coming down to squeeze Yoochun’s shoulder.
Yoochun jerked away and took a step out of reach. TaeHyun nodded and took his own step back, hands raised in the air.
“I’m sure Yoochun isn’t going to give us any trouble, are you Yoochun?” a gruff voice said and Yoochun turned to see an older man approaching. He was taller than Yoochun, with a dark sharp eyes, dressed casually in jeans and a white button up shirt.
“I’m Dr. Jung Yunho, the director here. I’ll be your case manager,” He held out a hand for Yoochun to shake.
Yoochun ignored the gesture. “I don’t need any pills.”
The doctor stepped around Yoochun and reached for the pills. “I’ll take these for now, HanYeul. Yoochun, why don’t you leave your bag with TaeHyun and come with me to my office.”
“I’ll keep my bag, thanks.” Yoochun didn’t even know what was in the duffel his mother had packed for him, but he knew he wasn’t handing it over to strangers.
“Sorry, house rules.” Yunho said. “There are certain things you’re not allowed to have here, so we need to have a look at what you brought. We also need you to empty out your pockets. You can put whatever you have on you up there on the counter. We’ll make sure you get it back.”
With a heavy sigh, Yoochun handed over his bag and pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. “I need to keep this.”
Yunho shook his head. “Sorry, no electronics.”
Yoochun groaned. Yunho chuckled. “It’s okay,” he said, “you won’t need it in here.”
Yunho’s office was in a different wing, which could only be reached through another set of locked doors. The décor was different there. The carpet was a rich chocolate brown that complemented the furnishings and there was a small seating area with two comfortable-looking, dark burgundy chairs. They matched the subtle shading on a loveseat against the wall. There were plants scattered about and paintings on the walls. It was such a drastic difference from A-wing that Yoochun couldn’t help but gape.
Yunho noticed Yoochun’s slack jaw and wide eyes and chuckled lightly.
“We keep A-wing a little sparse in an effort to protect the patients. Some of them can get violent. We like to keep the halls clear of anything that could hurt someone. It’s safer that way.”
Yoochun nodded and continued to follow the doctor, but when they arrived at Yunho’s office, Yoochun stopped dead in his tracks. No way was he going in there.
Dr. Yunho opened the door and turned to look at Yoochun, who stood frozen in the hallway.
“You wanna come in?” Yunho asked, and Yoochun shook his head.
“Can’t,” he said simply.
He expected the doctor to argue with him, but he didn’t. He stood in the doorway and looked at Yoochun with inquisitive eyes.
“Is there a reason why you can’t come in?” He expected sarcasm, but the man only sounded curious, so Yoochun told him.
“Red means stop. And it isn’t safe.”
Yunho seemed to consider that for a moment, then said, “Ok, but I can promise you, Yoochun, that this is a safe place. Nothing can hurt you here. I’ll leave the door open, but I need you to trust me when I say that it’s safe to come in.”
Yoochun didn’t move as he considered the doctor’s words. The man did seem nice enough, and Yoochun really didn’t want to stop here forever, so eventually he rescinded and stepped into the office.
Dr. Yunho did leave the door open, which made Yoochun feel marginally better. And when Yunho motioned for Yoochun to have a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, Yoochun did.
He expected Yunho to sit behind the desk, but the older man took the seat next to Yoochun instead. He even slouched a bit, resting his elbows on his knees to bring himself to eye-level with Yoochun.
“Do you know why you’re here, Yoochun?”
Yoochun shrugged, but the doctor waited patiently for him, like he had all the time in the world. Finally, Yoochun said, “Ok. Yeah, I do.”
Yunho nodded. “You’ve been diagnosed with an illness called Schizoaffective Disorder,” he said. “Did they explain that to you?”
Yoochun shook his head. This was the first time he’d heard that.
See, I told you they thought you were crazy.
Yoochun listened silently as Yunho explained Yoochun’s brain chemistry and some of the symptoms of his illness.
“Depression…paranoia…thoughts of suicide…delusions…insomnia…” he paused, giving Yoochun a moment to take in this information. “Does that sound familiar to you?”
Yoochun didn’t want to admit it did, so he remained silent.
Yunho nodded as if Yoochun had answered his question and said, “There can be auditory hallucinations…”
“I don’t hear voices!”
The voice inside his head laughed at that.
Yunho nodded in acquiescence and continued, “We have medications that can help, but in order to work, you have to take them. Do you understand?”
When Yoochun didn’t say anything, Yunho cocked an eyebrow and gave him a look that made it clear he expected a response.
“Yes, I understand.”
“We’re here to help you Yoochun. You just have to let us. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be, okay?”
He handed Yoochun the little cup with the medication in it. Yoochun took it and looked down at the two little pills that were supposed to “fix” him.
Don’t take them.
He had to though. Arguing wouldn’t do any good. So when Yunho handed him another paper cup with water in it, Yoochun downed the pills as fast as he could.
~~~~~~
Yoochun’s room was on the second floor and they had to go through another locked gate in the stairwell to get there. It was nothing fancy, although it was more than Yoochun expected. He expected something resembling a cell, but the room was fairly big. It held two beds, one on either side of the room, covered in bedspreads that matched the pale blue of the walls.
Yoochun was glad the room was blue. Blue was safe. He could sleep here.
One side of the place was clearly being used. There were several pictures on the wall, a few posters, and a cut out that looked like an advertisement from a men’s magazine.
The strange thing was that there were no lights in the room, not even a table lamp. The only fixture was embedded in the ceiling and it was covered in thick plastic so no one could get at it. Other than that, the only light came from two large windows on the far side of the room, covered in chicken wire on the outside.
Yoochun dropped his bags on the unoccupied bed as Yunho said, "You have a roommate. His name is Junsu. You'll meet him later. Right now, why don't I show you around the place?"
Yoochun followed him back downstairs where Yunho took the time to point out the bathrooms and the activity rooms, as well as the music room and the gym.
The cafeteria looked like a dining hall with tables situated around the room. On the other side of the place Yoochun could see the doorways that led to the kitchen.
"Breakfast is at 8:30, lunch at 1:00, and dinner at 6:00. Just follow the others, they'll show you what to do,” Yunho instructed, before gesturing for Yoochun to follow him.
The last room was directly across from the nurse’s station, where Yoochun was told he would receive his pills. It was a large open space, bright and airy with nearly floor-to-ceiling windows. Yoochun liked the color of the walls. They were a light green which was calming. What he didn’t like however were the florescent lights on the ceiling. They were too bright. They were pulsing and surrounded by a shiny star lights, almost twinkling around the edges. They made Yoochun feel uneasy.
"We call this the day room. It's where everyone likes to hang out during off time. You can see there's a TV and a pool table, as well as a foosball table."
There were small groups of kids lounging about on several couches that were positioned around the room, along with a bunch of chairs. Yoochun rolled his eyes at a motivational poster tacked to the wall. It showed a picture of a monkey and toted the values of perseverance.
"Anytime you want to go somewhere you have to let a staff member know, even if you just have to go to the bathroom. For now, you're only allowed in the bathroom for ten minutes at a time, and a staff member will wait for you outside the door. Like I said, that's just for now. In a few days we'll see how you’re doing and then you can go on your own.”
Yoochun couldn't believe he had to piss with someone outside the door.
Yunho led Yoochun to a boy sitting alone in the corner of the room. The kid was thin and pale with dark messy hair, and Yoochun noticed he was wearing a green silk bathrobe over his sweats. He was staring solemnly at the floor, but smiled when Yoochun and Dr. Yunho approached.
"This is Junsu. He'll be your roommate. Junsu, this is Yoochun.”
Yoochun and Junsu acknowledged the introduction with a nod before Yunho left them alone to “get better acquainted.”
"So what are you in for?" Junsu asked, looking up at Yoochun.
Who does this kid think he is?
Yoochun scowled. "None of your damned business."
"Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought…if we're going to be friends…"
"I don't have any friends.”
Junsu's brow furrowed. "No friends? Not even an imaginary one?"
Confused, Yoochun said, "What? No, of course not."
Junsu nodded. "Just checking. See that guy over there?"
Yoochun looked. The guy Junsu was referring to was tall, nearly Yoochun's height, with spiky blonde hair. He was squinting out the window. It looked like he was talking to himself.
"That's Chad," Junsu continued. "He's got an imaginary girlfriend. His mother doesn't approve."
"That's nuts."
"Well, we're all a little nuts, aren't we?"
See, everybody thinks you’re crazy.
Yoochun shook his head. "I'm not crazy. I shouldn't even be here."
Junsu just smiled and nodded, like he'd heard it a hundred times before.
~~~~~
No one seemed to be in much of a hurry to get to their first group meeting. Yoochun definitely wasn’t, but he stepped in anyways with the kids filing out of the day room. They were nearing the nurse’s station when Yoochun saw a young man being led through the front doors. The guy was tiny and gorgeous, just Yoochun's type, with soft dark chestnut hair and piercing eyes that seemed to be taking in every inch of his surroundings. Suddenly, those eyes zeroed in on Yoochun, catching him staring, so he quickly lowered his gaze.
Bumping Junsu's shoulder with his own, Yoochun asked, voice low, "Who's that?"
Junsu looked to see who Yoochun was referring to and smiled.
"Oh, that's Jaejoong. They must have let him out."
"Let him out of where?"
"B-ward. That's where they send the ones who are too violent to be around us regular crazies."
Jaejoong's eyes never left Yoochun's and Yoochun had to fight the urge to fidget.
Junsu glanced back and forth between the two of them. His smiled faded and his shoulders slumped.
“What?”
Junsu sighed. “He likes you.”
Yoochun looked back at Jaejoong. The nurse was trying to get his attention but Jaejoong’s eyes were still focused on Yoochun.
Yoochun huffed out a laugh. “He doesn’t even know me.”
“Doesn’t seem to matter,” Junsu said, darting another look at Jaejoong. “He sure as hell never looks at anyone else like that.”
~~~~~
Yoochun really didn't like the idea of group counseling. He didn't know how he was supposed to sit in front of a bunch of other people and talk about his problems. His "problems" were nobody's business but his own and he didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.
There were eight kids total in Yoochun’s first group and they were all sitting in chairs arranged in a circle. Junsu was there, and Chad, but there was no Jaejoong. Yoochun pushed down the stab of disappointment.
People were still getting settled when the counselor walked in and called the group to order.
She was a petite woman, pretty, with dirty blond hair, pulled back in a careless ponytail. "To those of you who are new here, my name is Mary," she said, looking pointedly at Yoochun. "As I'm sure you've noticed we have a new person with us today. This is Yoochun," she gestured, and everyone in the room turned to look at him. "Please make him feel comfortable.”
Comfortable? Right. With everyone staring at him, there wasn't much chance of that.
The lights were too bright in here, too. Yoochun fidgeted anxiously and his leg started to twitch as the counselor continued, "I want to resume our discussion about relationships. Yesterday, we talked about the relationships we have with our families. All of you did wonderfully, and I'm hoping you'll all be willing to open up as well today as we talk about romantic relationships.
Oh God… Yoochun shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. This was going to be fun.
"Would anyone like to go first?"
Yoochun was surprised when a hand immediately shot up. He looked up to see Chad practically bouncing with excitement over getting to speak.
Mary nodded for Chad to go ahead and several others in the group groaned or rolled their eyes. Yoochun realized why as soon as Chad began to talk.
"I have the greatest girlfriend in the world," he said, beaming. His eyes darted over to a space behind Yoochun, and his smile grew wider as he nodded at something. Curious, Yoochun turned his head to see what he was looking at, but there was nothing there.
"She says she loves me very much." Chad continued to stare at a space just over Yoochun's head and wiggled in his seat like it took all his effort not to jump up and go to this girl he was so in love with.
Mary smiled serenely. "Thank you Chad." She glanced around at the others in the group before offering, "Has anyone else had what you would call a serious romantic relationship?"
No one moved or said anything and Yoochun dropped his eyes to the floor. This was not a conversation he wanted anything to do with.
Mary frowned. "Come on, I don't believe for a second that none of you have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend."
Slowly, several hands went up.
"That's more like it. Changmin, how about you? What was your last relationship like?"
Changmin didn't look much older than Yoochun, only where Yoochun was cleaner cut, Changmin was rough looking. His long hair was pulled back in a pony-tail and he wore torn, faded jeans along with a black t-shirt, drawn tight around his biceps. He was sitting on the other side of Junsu, hunched over and he looking like he seriously regretted raising his hand.
He remained stubbornly silent but Mary wasn't going to let him off that easily. "How long were the two of you together?" she tried.
"Two years," Changmin mumbled.
"Two years. That's a long time."
"Yeah and then she cheated on me."
Mary nodded sadly. "That must have been very difficult."
"Yeah, it was. For her."
"What do you mean?"
Changmin raised his chin and straightened his shoulders. "She learned real quick not to cheat on me."
Mary’s eyes narrowed and she studied Changmin silently for a long moment before she leaned back in her chair. She crossed one leg over the other and asked, "Was that the first or the second time you were arrested?"
Changmin's attitude disappeared as quickly as it arrived and he dropped his eyes.
“The second.”
From the look of Changmin, Yoochun wasn’t surprised to hear that. And from the lack of reaction in the room, neither were the others.
"And what exactly were you arrested for?" Mary questioned but Yoochun had a feeling she already knew.
Where only moments before, Changmin had seemed happy to brag, now it looked like speaking the words was painful.
"Simple assault," he said softly.
"So you hit her?"
The boy could only nod.
"And do you think that was an appropriate way of dealing with the situation?"
Changmin shook his head.
"What was that?" Mary asked, leaning forward in her seat.
"No," Changmin said brusquely. Eyes narrowed, he grumbled, "I shouldn't have touched her. I know that."
"And if that happened again, if you had another girlfriend who cheated on you, what would you do differently?"
"Well first of all," Changmin spat out, "I wouldn't date another cheating whore."
Mary frowned hard at Changmin's choice of words and the sneer dropped off of the boy's face. He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"All of you know that those kinds of things cannot be predicted ahead of time." Mary said, addressing the group. "You can't tell just from looking at a person whether or not they will cheat on you." Turning back to Changmin, she said again, "So what would you do differently?"
Still refusing to look at her, Changmin mumbled, "I guess I would just walk away."
"Ok, that's good. You'd take yourself out of the situation."
"Yeah, I guess." He sat up a little straighter. "I don't think too clearly when I'm angry."
"That's a good insight, Changmin. It's good that you can recognize that." She looked around the circle of kids and her eyes settled on Sunny, a tiny girl whose chair was pushed just a little further back than the rest of the group.
"How about you, Sunny? When was your last relationship?"
Before Sunny could respond, the door to the room opened and Jaejoong walked in. His eyes found Yoochun’s immediately. Yoochun's breath caught in his throat and he was startled to find himself readily smiling at Jaejoong.
Cut it out.
Mary turned to look at the tall boy standing in the doorway. "Jaejoong! It's good to have you back with us. Are you all settled in?”
Jaejoong nodded. His eyes never left Yoochun’s though, and Yoochun's blanched at the attention. He looked away and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck nervously.
"Well, have a seat," Mary continued. "We're talking about our romantic relationships today."
There was an open spot next to the counselor, which would leave Jaejoong directly across from Yoochun, and he took it without saying a word.
"Go ahead, Sunny." Mary gave the girl an encouraging smile. "When was your last serious relationship?"
Sunny fidgeted in her seat and ran a hand through her long dark hair. "About a year ago, I guess."
"And how long were the two of you together?"
"Six months, maybe?”
“And what happened?”
“He broke up with me because he was sick of me."
"Relationships can fall apart for many reasons, Sunny. What makes you think he was sick of you?"
"He told me so!" Sandy said, indigantly.
Yoochun did his best to act interested in Sunny's story and ignore the way he could still feel Jaejoong's eyes on him. He could see out of the corner of his eye when the other boy stretched his legs out in front of him, trying to get comfortable.
Mary looked solemnly at Sunny and asked, "Is this the same boy we talked about in our one-on-one? The basketball player?"
Sunny nodded miserably.
"Now, if I remember correctly, you told me that this boy told you several times that he was worried about you. That he didn't like that you weren't eating. He told you that you were a beautiful girl and you refused to believe him. Is that true?"
Sunny’s face flushed red and she nodded.
"It sounds to me like he really cared about you."
When Sunny didn't respond, Mary continued. "Taking that into consideration, do you really think he got sick of you?"
Sunny looked like she wanted to argue, but in the end, she shook her head.
Satisfied for the time being, Mary turned her attention to Yoochun.
Shit.
"What about you Yoochun? Have you ever been in what you would call a serious relationship?"
"No," Yoochun said flatly. This was the last thing in the world he wanted to talk about.
"Never?" she pressed. "You've never had a girlfriend?"
"No," he said, throwing her a dirty look, "but seeing as I'm gay, I'm not too worried about that."
If Yoochun thought the counselor would be surprised, or react to the admission in some way, he was wrong. Mary only nodded. "So, what about a boyfriend then?"
Yoochun shook his head.
Don’t say anymore.
"You're still young," she went on. "There's nothing wrong with not being ready to make a commitment. Lots of young people would rather just date…"
Yoochun shook his head again before the woman could even finish. "I don't date."
Irritated at his inability to keep his mouth shut, Yoochun grimaced and crossed his arms over his chest. Of course she wasn't going to just let him go after that. "Why don't you date?" Mary asked, as she turned in her chair a little to look directly at him.
Yoochun heaved out a sigh. "I just don't do relationships. I find a guy I like, I get what I need, and I move on. That's it."
“Have you always felt that way?”
Yoochun slouched back in his seat. God must really hate him for putting him through this. When he didn't respond, Mary offered, "Maybe something happened?"
She wasn't going to let up, but if she thought Yoochun was going to just open up his heart and soul to her, she was dead wrong.
"Come on, Yoochun…" Mary prodded. "I'm sure there's a reason."
Yoochun glowered at her and did his best to ignore all the eyes on him. "It’s not worth it. You let someone in…you're just gonna get hurt."
He expected the counselor to argue with him; instead, it was Jaejoong who spoke up. "That's not true.” Yoochun looked over to find the other boy looking a little uncomfortable, but determined. His eyes caught Yoochun's and held.
"What makes you say that, Jaejoong?" Mary asked, clearly intrigued.
Yoochun fought the urge to hide and pretend that this conversation had nothing to do with him, but Jaejoong's eyes were soft, almost pleading, and Yoochun couldn't bring himself to look away.
"I think he just hasn't found the right one yet."
"That could be true. You mentioned once before, Jaejoong, in our one-on-one, that you had a boyfriend at home. Is that how you feel about him?"
A sheepish smile crossed Jaejoong's face, and he said, eyes never leaving Yoochun's, "I used to. Now I'm not so sure."
Yoochun was relieved when the counselors told him he had to take an art therapy group. That he could handle. He used to draw all the time. It was one of the few things that made him happy. Now he dragged the charcoal across the paper and tried to imagine he was back home in his room, with his favorite pencils, and the easel his mom got him for his birthday the year before. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t in some loony bin surrounded by people he didn’t know and nurses who forced him to down a bunch of pills that totally washed him out.
The bowl of plastic fruit he was supposed to be drawing looked more abstract than still life though, so Yoochun was surprised when he was pulled from his reverie by a voice saying, “That’s nice. What is it?”
Yoochun looked up to see Jaejoong standing next to him, a small smile playing on his face and his hair flopping in his eyes.
“If it was really nice you wouldn’t have to ask what it was,” Yoochun replied. He watched as Jaejoong laughed and palmed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture Yoochun found adorable.
“Ok…no…I know what it is,” Jaejoong stuttered, cheeks flushed. “It really is good. You’re ah…you’re good.”
A sharp laugh kept Yoochun from responding. Changmin was at the easel next to him, making his own pitiful attempt at drawing the same fruit bowl.
Jaejoong’s brows drew together in a sharp line. “What’s your problem, Max?”
Changmin sniggered again. “Nothing. It just didn’t take you very long, did it, Kim?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, you just got back and already you’re hitting on the prettiest girl in the room.”
Yoochun’s back stiffened, but before he could say anything, Jaejoong took a step forward. He towered over Changmin, but Changmin only squared his shoulders and faced Jaejoong head on.
“I think you need to learn to mind your own business,” Jaejoong said, his tone a warning.
Yoochun glanced anxiously at the kids scattered around the room, working on their own projects. They were beginning to stare.
Paying no attention, Changmin went on. “No, you’re right,” he said, “It’s your business if you want to hook up with one of the freaks in this place. Just how ‘bout doing it somewhere I don’t have to watch.”
Hands balled into fists, Jaejoong leaned in closer to Changmin. “You better watch what you say, little man.”
Changmin huffed out a laugh. “Or what? What are you gonna do? Hit me?”
Jaejoong’s eyes darted furiously between Changmin, Yoochun, and the others, his face red with either fury or embarrassment.
“Go on then. Hit me.” Changmin goaded. His arms opened wide in a welcoming gesture. “Show me what a big man you are.”
Yoochun jumped back as Jaejoong’s fist flew, smashing into the easel Changmin was using. The board split in two while Changmin’s canvas cracked down the middle. Only half the easel was standing now, and Jaejoong’s second punch sent it flying into the wall.
The room erupted into a series of gasps and screams and Yoochun watched as Jaejoong squeezed his eyes shut. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he pulled hard on the long strands and hissed, “Shit…shit…shit.” But when he opened his eyes, all the anger was gone, replaced by what Yoochun could only describe as fear.
It was later, after spending twenty minutes in Yunho’s office being questioned about the incident, that Yoochun found Junsu waiting for him in the hallway.
“What’d you say?” he asked, pushing away from the wall.
“I told him I didn’t see what happened.”
Junsu waited until they were past the nurse’s station to say, “He’s never going to believe that.”
“Well he better. I can’t do this. I have to get out of here.”
Junsu scowled and pulled Yoochun back by the arm. “Look, if you really want to get out of here you have to play the shrinks.”
“What do you mean?”
“You just can’t make it too easy for them. You gotta resist, and then give a little. Give them an insight,” he said, giving Yoochun a wry smile at the term the counselors used for a patient’s breakthrough. “And it’s gotta be real.”
“Wait a minute, if you’re so smart, what are you still doing here?”
Junsu sighed. “They care more about my cutting than they do my insights.”
Yoochun’s eyes darted down to Junsu’s arms, which he realized were always covered up by long-sleeve shirts or that stupid silk robe he always wore.
“Then stop.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can.”
Junsu’s expression hardened and he turned to leave. Yoochun grabbed his arm to stop him but Junsu yanked away. “I don’t want to talk about it!” he cried, before taking off down the hall.
~~~~~
The ceiling lights came on as Yoochun wandered aimlessly through the halls, not knowing what to do with himself. Eventually, he ended up in the day room, where he found Jaejoong standing next to the window, fingers tangled in the chicken wire as he stared up at the stars.
“Hey,” Yoochun said, feeling awkward and unsure if the boy even wanted to talk.
“Hey,” Jaejoong responded, giving Yoochun a warm smile, which made him relax a little. He stepped further into the room.
“What are you doing?” he asked, moving to take a seat on one of the couches.
Jaejoong let out a long, tired sigh. “Just thinking.” He flopped down on the couch next to Yoochun and let out a frustrated breath. “I’m sorry…about what happened. I hope I didn’t scare you.”
“Nah,” Yoochun said, waving away the notion. “It wasn’t your fault. Changmin was being an ass.”
Yoochun tried to get more comfortable, but the cushions were too soft, so when he shifted, he only ended up sinking more into Jaejoong’s side of the couch. But instead of pulling away, Yoochun found himself settling into Jaejoong’s side, until their shoulders were touching.
He thought he caught a glimpse of a smile on Jaejoong’s face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it appeared.
“No,” Jaejoong said, shaking his head. “I lost my temper. I shouldn’t have…” he groaned and raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I guess I have a little bit of a problem…controlling myself. I can’t be going off every time some asshole baits me. Hell, it’s what landed me in here in the first place.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, well…that and a few other things. Like, I stole a car. But it was just my dad’s car, and he’s just trying to teach me a lesson by pressing charges. And it was my brother who taught me how to hot-wire it in the first place, but does my dad blame at him? Nope, just me - the fuck up of the family.”
“Well that sucks.”
Jaejoong nodded his head in agreement. “But mostly, I guess, it was because of this fight. I put a guy in the hospital.”
Yoochun’s eyes widened. Jaejoong caught his expression, gave him a sheepish smile, and shrugged his shoulder. “He did call my sister a slut though, so I think he kind of deserved it.”
Yoochun laughed. “Yeah, I’d lose my shit too, if I had a sister and someone called her that.”
Jaejoong chuckled and bumped Yoochun’s knee casually with his own. “So what brought you to this fine establishment?”
Yoochun stiffened at the question. He liked Jaejoong, but he wasn’t so sure he was up to sharing just yet. Luckily, he didn’t have to fumble with an excuse because an orderly poked his head into the room and ordered them off to bed.
~~~~~
When the director told Yoochun that his mother was there to see him, he wanted to refuse. But then he remembered Junsu’s advice about playing along, and went without argument.
Initially all three sat quietly, not sure of what to say, before Yoochun finally broke the silence.
“How’s Yoohwan?”
“Your brother’s fine. He misses you.”
“At least somebody does.”
“Is that what you really think, Yoochun?” Yunho asked. “That your mother doesn’t miss you?”
“If I didn’t think it, why would I say it?”
Yunho gave Yoochun a look that reminded him he was supposed to be telling them what they wanted to hear. He did his best to look contrite. “I was… a lot of trouble and I think maybe she’s happy I’m gone.”
“That’s a good insight,” Yunho said, smiling, and Yoochun did his best not to smirk.
When he returned to the day room, Jaejoong was playing pool. Yoochun paced restlessly around the table, picked up a pool cue, and glared down at the green felt as if it was the cause of all his troubles.
“This place is fucked up,” he blurted suddenly, and threw the pool cue back onto the table. It landed with a hard smack and several orderlies looked Yoochun’s way at the noise. Their eyes narrowed as they studied him, just waiting for him to fly off the handle.
Yoochun ignored them. “Why talk to your kid when you can pay a shrink to tell you how he feels?” he said bitterly. He shook his head, disgusted, and smacked the eight ball across the table.
Both boys stood silently for a long moment before Jaejoong finally said, “Wanna play?”
“No.”
“Wanna learn?”
When Yoochun looked up at the other boy, Jaejoong was smirking.
“I know how to play.”
The look Jaejoong gave him was clearly challenging him to prove it.
Jaejoong smirked again when Yoochun narrowed his eyes at him and picked up a cue.
Then it was Yoochun’s turn to smirk when he sunk two balls in a row.
Jaejoong raised his eyebrows. “I guess you do.”
“My father taught me, before he left,” Yoochun volunteered and sunk another ball.
“Is your father a pool shark?”
Yoochun huffed out a laugh. “No. He’s an architect.”
“Is that what you want to do, be an architect?”
“No, I want to be an artist. I want to paint, go to Paris, study the greats.”
When Yoochun missed his next shot, Jaejoong took his turn. He didn’t even come close and Yoochun raised an eyebrow at him.
“Shut up.” Jaejoong muttered. He was smiling though and Yoochun found himself smiling back.
Yoochun was on his way to clearing the table, and leaning over to line up his next shot, when his felt the brush of Jaejoong’s arm against his. Jaejoong casually stepped closer, until he was pressed up against Yoochun’s side and said, “Need someone to carry your luggage?”
Yoochun could feel Jaejoong’s breath over the side of his neck and shivered.
Yoochun pressed back until his hip met Jaejoong’s and said, “I don’t know. I might not be able to pay you much.”
He looked up at Jaejoong and cocked his head, watched as the other boy’s eyes dropped to his mouth. Unconsciously, Yoochun licked his lips.
Jaejoong let out a harsh breath that Yoochun felt, hot against his face.
He watched, mesmerized as Jaejoong bit his lip, his eyes darting between Yoochun’s eyes and mouth.
Jaejoong’s mouth was only inches away, and Yoochun found himself having to fight the urge to press as close as he could get and bring their lips together.
Clearing his throat, Yoochun forced himself to step back, putting a little bit of distance between them.
He turned back to the pool table and heard Jaejoong clear his throat before saying, “I always knew I wanted to do something, I just haven’t figured out what.
Yoochun smiled. “You’ll find it,” he said before he leaned down, took aim, and shot the eight ball into the corner pocket.
~~~~~~
The birthday cake was huge, big enough to feed two dozen people, which was exactly what it had to do. It was Junsu’s birthday and A-ward was throwing him a party.
The day room was covered in streamers and balloons and a lot of the kids were wearing party hats.
Jaejoong tried to make Yoochun wear one but Yoochun swore at him, pulled it off, and smacked him with it.
A little boom box in the corner was playing the best of the eighties and Yoochun was surprised that some kids were actually dancing.
The song was Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible” and Chad was dancing with his invisible girlfriend, old time ball room style, swinging “her” around the dance floor.
Changmin spotted Chad and, flashing a wicked smile, asked if he could cut in.
Chad looked perplexed. Changmin always claimed he didn’t believe in the existence of the love of Chad’s life, but the look Changmin was giving him now was earnest and purely innocent.
Reluctantly, he stepped back, motioning for Changmin to go ahead.
Grinning widely, and casting a quick look over at Yoochun and the others, to make sure they were watching, Changmin pretended to swing Chad’s invisible girl into his arms and lead her around the dance floor.
With his hands holding nothing but thin air, Changmin proceeded to “dance” with Chad’s girlfriend.
“Whoa, dude…” Changmin said, looking at Chad, eyes wide, “you are one lucky guy.”
Chad reached out then to take her back and Changmin made like he was reluctant to let her go.
With his girlfriend safe back in his arms, Chad shrugged at her like he’d actually been asked a question. It looked like he was telling her he didn’t know what Changmin was about either while Changmin clutched his hand to his heart. Acting like he’d been struck by Cupid ’s bow, Changmin backed away from Chad’s invisible beauty like it was the hardest thing he had ever done.
The Bunny Hop began to play and several counselors were trying to urge the patients to join in. Yoochun and Jaejoong took the opportunity to slip out of the room. They stood in the hallway, out of the counselor’s line of sight.
Yoochun leaned against the wall and Jaejoong joined him, their shoulders pressed together.
“When’s your birthday?” Jaejoong asked.
“June 4th.”
“That’s too far away, I think. God, I lose all track of time in here." Jaejoong’s eyes dropped to the floor and he shuffled his feet distractedly.
Yoochun watched him for a moment before he asked, “How long have you been here, Jaejoong?”
Jaejoong shrugged. Trying to sound nonchalant, he said, “A few months.”
Yoochun didn’t say anything. He had the feeling the other boy wasn’t finished.
After a long, drawn out moment, Jaejoong sighed in resignation. “Four months.”
Yoochun took a second to process that information and when he wasn’t sure what to say, he just asked, “When’s your birthday?”
Jaejoong smiled slightly. “January 26th.”
They were both quiet again. But this time the silence wasn’t so awkward. It was almost comfortable.
What are you doing?
Yoochun ignored the voice. Jaejoong was a warm weight against his side and it felt good.
You have to stop this.
Stop what? Stop liking Jaejoong? Yoochun didn’t want to stop. Jaejoong was nice.
You thought Seung-hyun was nice too.
Shit.
Suddenly, Jaejoong was in front of him. Lost in his thoughts, Yoochun never even felt him move.
Jaejoong rested his hand on the wall next to Yoochun’s head and leaned in.
Yoochun sucked in a deep breath. For a second, he thought Jaejoong was going to kiss him, but the boy only whispered, “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.” Yoochun said, and lifted his hand, placing it on Jaejoong’s chest.
With only inches between them, Jaejoong breathed out, “Yoochun…” He looked down at Yoochun’s hand, his hair obscuring his eyes, and said Yoochun’s name again, like he just wanted to hear the sound of it in the air.
Yoochun could feel the rapid beat of Jaejoong’s heart under his fingers, the hard muscle underneath his thin t-shirt.
When Jaejoong’s hand covered his own, it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. Yoochun couldn’t breathe. His legs felt weak and it was like the press of Jaejoong’s palm was the only thing holding him up.
Jaejoong’s other hand moved to Yoochun’s hip. He squeezed tightly and leaned in a little closer, until their foreheads were almost touching.
All of a sudden, the lights in the hallway came on, jerking the both of them out of their trance. Jaejoong took a deep breath and stepped back just as one of the counselors, a tall, dark-haired woman Yoochun hadn’t really spoken to yet, appeared beside them.
“There you two are,” she said, looking relieved. “You can’t just disappear like that.”
Yoochun felt like they’d been caught out. He could still feel the heaviness in the air and his heart was still beating a mile a minute, but the counselor seemed oblivious.
“Party’s over,” she said as the other kids started a slow crawl out of the day room and towards the nurse’s station for their nighttime meds.
Jaejoong and Yoochun were the last ones into the stairwell. Yoochun was about to begin the climb to the second floor when Jaejoong grabbed his hand and pulled him back, away from the stairs and into the shadows behind them.
Yoochun’s back hit the wall and Jaejoong pinned him there, one hand on either side of Yoochun’s head. In the shadows, Yoochun couldn’t see his eyes, but they were so close, practically breathing each other’s air, that it was easy for Yoochun to lean in and press a quick kiss to Jaejoong’s lips.
Jaejoong sucked in a breath and then they were really kissing. Yoochun’s hands wound in Jaejoong’s hair and Jaejoong’s arms circled Yoochun’s waist, pulling him closer until there wasn’t even an inch between them.
Jaejoong moaned softly into Yoochun’s mouth as Yoochun kissed him, heat pooling low in Yoochun’s belly at the sound.
When he moaned again, Yoochun pulled his mouth away long enough to say, “Shhh…shhh.”
Jaejoong shook his head. He kissed Yoochun hard, biting down lightly on his lower lips before pulling back to breathe.
“God, Yoochun…you’re so…” Yoochun kissed him again to shut him up.
He knew they were really pushing their luck. At any moment, someone could come in there and find them, and then they would be separated. This would never be allowed, Yoochun was sure of it.
It was that thought that made Yoochun pull back, tilt his face out of reach when Jaejoong tried to follow him.
“Jaejoong, we have to stop.”
Jaejoong growled low and tried to kiss him again. Yoochun kissed him one more time, just a quick brush of lips, before pulling back and pushing at Jaejoong’s chest.
“Seriously, we’re going to get caught.”
Jaejoong reluctantly stepped back, hands balling into fists. Nodding, he said, “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”
They stared at each other for a long, heated moment, Yoochun’s fingers itching to pull him back. But he didn’t.
Yoochun lay on his bed, staring at cracked and discolored tiles on the ceiling. The lights went off at 8:00 just like they were supposed to, casting the room in an eerie glow from the moonlight cutting through the trees outside.
Yoochun thought about Jaejoong. Somehow, the boy had gotten under his skin.
What the hell are you doing?
Nothing, Yoochun thought.
Yeah right. You can’t lie to me.
It’s no big deal.
No big deal? That wasn’t what you thought the last time. Do you really want to go through that again? You know in the end, you’re not going to be enough. Just like…
“Quit thinking so loud,” Junsu said from his bed across the room.
Yoochun chuckled. “Sorry. Can’t help it.”
“This about Jaejoong?”
Yoochun propped himself up on his elbow and looked over at Junsu, who was gazing back at him with a knowing look in his eyes.
“How do you know about Jaejoong?”
Now it was Junsu’s turn to chuckle. “Dude, you guys are so obvious.”
Yoochun flopped back down on his bed.”It’s stupid,” he said to the ceiling.
“Why’s it stupid?”
Yoochun paused, not sure what he wanted to say. Finally, he mumbled, “I like him.”
“Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?” Junsu asked.
Yoochun let out a heavy sigh. “The last time I let myself hook up with a guy I actually liked, it…it didn’t turn out well.”
Junsu was silent for a while before he finally said, “Wanna talk about it?”
Yoochun actually considered it for a moment, then replied, “No.”
☆ to be continued....
→ !au; jaejoong/yoochun; nc-17
→ wc: 8684 / ?
→ warnings/spoilers: Underage sex (16 & 17), talk of past non-con, graphic violence, language, mental illness, attempted suicide
Summary: After years of depression and suicidal behavior, 17 year old Park Yoochun is sent to a psychiatric ward for treatment. There, he meets Kim Jaejoong, an unstable 16 year old with a major anger problems. It’s just lust or love(?) at first sight? Later, when they have a chance for escape, they take it right away and run. After a wild week on the road, both boys learn that there are some things you just can’t run away from
It was just after midnight the night Yoochun stormed out of the house and tore out of the driveway in his mother’s car. He was going too fast, but Yoochun really didn’t care as he struggled to right the car around a particularly sharp turn. Tightening his fingers on the wheel, he stepped on the accelerator and skidded around the corner at the end of some block of shady Seoul part of city, streaking the pavement in his wake.
The world outside was a blur, from either his speed or the tears in his eyes, it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. They could all go to hell - his mother, the fucking shrink. He wasn’t going to let them do this. He’d be 18 soon, and then they couldn’t do it. He just had to get away.
Where you gonna to go, huh? There’s no place they can’t get to you.
Fuck. Yoochun was so tired - tired of trying, tired of caring.
I know you, and I know you can’t handle it. You can’t run anymore. You can’t hide from it this time.
The car swerved as he wiped the tears from his eyes. Yoochun barely had time to jerk the wheel back and avoid taking out someone’s mailbox.
You know what you have to do.
There was no question about it. And just like that, Yoochun could breathe again. The rush of fear and adrenaline were replaced by a sense of calm. His crying ceased and his grip on the steering wheel loosened. He knew what he was going to do now. He knew where he was going, the big tree at the end of left side of the roadway. It was perfect.
He had to slow down a little as he came around the last corner but he sped up again as the tree came into sight. Finally. There was no more thinking, no more feeling, just determination, before everything went black.
~~~~~
“Yoochun, are you listening?”
The voice seemed to be coming from far away, and it took Yoochun a moment to concentrate enough to realize his mother was talking to him. When he forced himself to drag his attention back to her face, he saw she was sitting next to him, her brow furrowed in concern.
“You need to pay attention, Yoochun,” she said, reaching out to give his arm a light squeeze. “Dr. Martin is talking to you.”
Yoochun’s therapist, Dr. Martin, was sitting across from them behind a large desk, looking at Yoochun with well-practiced sympathy. Yoochun was so not in the mood for this.
“Your mother was just telling me about what brought you here today. But I’d rather hear about it from you.”
Yoochun crossed his arms and slouched down into his chair. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I understand that, I do. But you’re here so we can help you and in order to do that, you’re going to have to talk about things that make you uncomfortable.”
Yoochun sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor.
“Yoochun…” his mother started.
Yoochun rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Fine. I was upset, so I went for a drive.”
“Uh huh.” The doctor said, tapping his pencil on the desk.
“And I got in an accident.”
This was stupid. They already knew all this; Yoochun could see the accident report and the photographs of the wreckage lying on the desk.
“They think I did it on purpose, but I didn’t.” He glanced briefly at his mom and then back to the doctor. It was clear from the look on their faces that they didn’t believe him.
“I didn’t!”
Dr. Martin glanced down at the photos in front of him and said, “You wrapped your car around a tree going almost 50 miles an hour.”
“It was an accident.”
“According to the police report, there wasn’t any obvious reason for you to swerve off the road, and there were no skid marks.”
Yoochun didn’t respond to that. He clenched his hands into fists and looked back at the floor.
“You said you were upset. Can you tell me what about?”
Gritting his teeth, Yoochun ground out, “I don’t remember.”
“I told him I wanted to get him some help,” his mother said and Yoochun cringed.
Help, my ass. Tell him the truth.
“She wanted to lock me up!”
“You weren’t giving me much of a choice, Yoochun! You stopped eating. You slept constantly, refused to leave the house. You were seeing things, hearing things. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let you go on like that.”
Deep down, Yoochun understood where she was coming from, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.
~~~~~
With a sprawling ground about 52 acres, Riverview looked nice enough on the outside. Yoochun couldn't understand why it was called Riverview though cause there wasn't a damned river in sight. In fact, the four main buildings of the campus seemed to be surrounded by grass fields for as far as the eye could see.
The building they took Yoochun to was four stories high. The main entrance was gated and locked and after walking down a series of long hallways, and going through several more gates, they finally arrived at what Dr. Martin called Ward A, where Yoochun would be staying.
Inside, the place looked like a hospital-sterile, with pale blue carpeting and bare walls. The hall was empty, lacking even a plant for decoration. Yoochun liked it, the wide open space gave him room to breathe.
His mother tried to give him a hug but Yoochun brushed her off, rolling his eyes when she sucked in a choked breath and wiped back her tears. Yoochun didn’t buy it for a second. She was getting what she wanted, her crazy son locked up and out of her hair.
After saying goodbye, Yoochun was left with an orderly who introduced himself as TaeHyun. Yoochun immediately hated him. The man’s dark hair and deep green eyes reminded him a little too much of someone he used to know. Someone he would much rather forget about.
With one last look at the locked doors behind him, Yoochun followed TaeHyun around the corner to the nurse’s station, where one of the nurses was clearly waiting for him.
“I’m HanYeul,” she said, her eyes gleaming as she gave Yoochun a friendly smile. She was attractive, with dark brown hair and slightly tan like skin that stood out against the harsh white of her scrubs. Yoochun tried to smile back but a slight twitch of his lip was all he could manage.
It doesn’t matter. They don’t really care about you.
“I know,” Yoochun muttered under his breath.
“What was that?” HanYeul asked as she sat two little paper cups on the counter in front of Yoochun.
“Nothing. What’s this?” Yoochun nodded down at the cups. One of them held two pills, the other, some water.
“This is your medication. Dr. Martin proscribed 250 mg. of Lithium and 400 mg of Seroquel.”
Yoochun shook his head. “I don’t need any pills.”
HanYeul’s smile disappeared and she glanced over Yoochun’s shoulder at TaeHyun.
“We’re not going to have a problem here, are we?” TaeHuyn asked, his hand coming down to squeeze Yoochun’s shoulder.
Yoochun jerked away and took a step out of reach. TaeHyun nodded and took his own step back, hands raised in the air.
“I’m sure Yoochun isn’t going to give us any trouble, are you Yoochun?” a gruff voice said and Yoochun turned to see an older man approaching. He was taller than Yoochun, with a dark sharp eyes, dressed casually in jeans and a white button up shirt.
“I’m Dr. Jung Yunho, the director here. I’ll be your case manager,” He held out a hand for Yoochun to shake.
Yoochun ignored the gesture. “I don’t need any pills.”
The doctor stepped around Yoochun and reached for the pills. “I’ll take these for now, HanYeul. Yoochun, why don’t you leave your bag with TaeHyun and come with me to my office.”
“I’ll keep my bag, thanks.” Yoochun didn’t even know what was in the duffel his mother had packed for him, but he knew he wasn’t handing it over to strangers.
“Sorry, house rules.” Yunho said. “There are certain things you’re not allowed to have here, so we need to have a look at what you brought. We also need you to empty out your pockets. You can put whatever you have on you up there on the counter. We’ll make sure you get it back.”
With a heavy sigh, Yoochun handed over his bag and pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. “I need to keep this.”
Yunho shook his head. “Sorry, no electronics.”
Yoochun groaned. Yunho chuckled. “It’s okay,” he said, “you won’t need it in here.”
Yunho’s office was in a different wing, which could only be reached through another set of locked doors. The décor was different there. The carpet was a rich chocolate brown that complemented the furnishings and there was a small seating area with two comfortable-looking, dark burgundy chairs. They matched the subtle shading on a loveseat against the wall. There were plants scattered about and paintings on the walls. It was such a drastic difference from A-wing that Yoochun couldn’t help but gape.
Yunho noticed Yoochun’s slack jaw and wide eyes and chuckled lightly.
“We keep A-wing a little sparse in an effort to protect the patients. Some of them can get violent. We like to keep the halls clear of anything that could hurt someone. It’s safer that way.”
Yoochun nodded and continued to follow the doctor, but when they arrived at Yunho’s office, Yoochun stopped dead in his tracks. No way was he going in there.
Dr. Yunho opened the door and turned to look at Yoochun, who stood frozen in the hallway.
“You wanna come in?” Yunho asked, and Yoochun shook his head.
“Can’t,” he said simply.
He expected the doctor to argue with him, but he didn’t. He stood in the doorway and looked at Yoochun with inquisitive eyes.
“Is there a reason why you can’t come in?” He expected sarcasm, but the man only sounded curious, so Yoochun told him.
“Red means stop. And it isn’t safe.”
Yunho seemed to consider that for a moment, then said, “Ok, but I can promise you, Yoochun, that this is a safe place. Nothing can hurt you here. I’ll leave the door open, but I need you to trust me when I say that it’s safe to come in.”
Yoochun didn’t move as he considered the doctor’s words. The man did seem nice enough, and Yoochun really didn’t want to stop here forever, so eventually he rescinded and stepped into the office.
Dr. Yunho did leave the door open, which made Yoochun feel marginally better. And when Yunho motioned for Yoochun to have a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, Yoochun did.
He expected Yunho to sit behind the desk, but the older man took the seat next to Yoochun instead. He even slouched a bit, resting his elbows on his knees to bring himself to eye-level with Yoochun.
“Do you know why you’re here, Yoochun?”
Yoochun shrugged, but the doctor waited patiently for him, like he had all the time in the world. Finally, Yoochun said, “Ok. Yeah, I do.”
Yunho nodded. “You’ve been diagnosed with an illness called Schizoaffective Disorder,” he said. “Did they explain that to you?”
Yoochun shook his head. This was the first time he’d heard that.
See, I told you they thought you were crazy.
Yoochun listened silently as Yunho explained Yoochun’s brain chemistry and some of the symptoms of his illness.
“Depression…paranoia…thoughts of suicide…delusions…insomnia…” he paused, giving Yoochun a moment to take in this information. “Does that sound familiar to you?”
Yoochun didn’t want to admit it did, so he remained silent.
Yunho nodded as if Yoochun had answered his question and said, “There can be auditory hallucinations…”
“I don’t hear voices!”
The voice inside his head laughed at that.
Yunho nodded in acquiescence and continued, “We have medications that can help, but in order to work, you have to take them. Do you understand?”
When Yoochun didn’t say anything, Yunho cocked an eyebrow and gave him a look that made it clear he expected a response.
“Yes, I understand.”
“We’re here to help you Yoochun. You just have to let us. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be, okay?”
He handed Yoochun the little cup with the medication in it. Yoochun took it and looked down at the two little pills that were supposed to “fix” him.
Don’t take them.
He had to though. Arguing wouldn’t do any good. So when Yunho handed him another paper cup with water in it, Yoochun downed the pills as fast as he could.
~~~~~~
Yoochun’s room was on the second floor and they had to go through another locked gate in the stairwell to get there. It was nothing fancy, although it was more than Yoochun expected. He expected something resembling a cell, but the room was fairly big. It held two beds, one on either side of the room, covered in bedspreads that matched the pale blue of the walls.
Yoochun was glad the room was blue. Blue was safe. He could sleep here.
One side of the place was clearly being used. There were several pictures on the wall, a few posters, and a cut out that looked like an advertisement from a men’s magazine.
The strange thing was that there were no lights in the room, not even a table lamp. The only fixture was embedded in the ceiling and it was covered in thick plastic so no one could get at it. Other than that, the only light came from two large windows on the far side of the room, covered in chicken wire on the outside.
Yoochun dropped his bags on the unoccupied bed as Yunho said, "You have a roommate. His name is Junsu. You'll meet him later. Right now, why don't I show you around the place?"
Yoochun followed him back downstairs where Yunho took the time to point out the bathrooms and the activity rooms, as well as the music room and the gym.
The cafeteria looked like a dining hall with tables situated around the room. On the other side of the place Yoochun could see the doorways that led to the kitchen.
"Breakfast is at 8:30, lunch at 1:00, and dinner at 6:00. Just follow the others, they'll show you what to do,” Yunho instructed, before gesturing for Yoochun to follow him.
The last room was directly across from the nurse’s station, where Yoochun was told he would receive his pills. It was a large open space, bright and airy with nearly floor-to-ceiling windows. Yoochun liked the color of the walls. They were a light green which was calming. What he didn’t like however were the florescent lights on the ceiling. They were too bright. They were pulsing and surrounded by a shiny star lights, almost twinkling around the edges. They made Yoochun feel uneasy.
"We call this the day room. It's where everyone likes to hang out during off time. You can see there's a TV and a pool table, as well as a foosball table."
There were small groups of kids lounging about on several couches that were positioned around the room, along with a bunch of chairs. Yoochun rolled his eyes at a motivational poster tacked to the wall. It showed a picture of a monkey and toted the values of perseverance.
"Anytime you want to go somewhere you have to let a staff member know, even if you just have to go to the bathroom. For now, you're only allowed in the bathroom for ten minutes at a time, and a staff member will wait for you outside the door. Like I said, that's just for now. In a few days we'll see how you’re doing and then you can go on your own.”
Yoochun couldn't believe he had to piss with someone outside the door.
Yunho led Yoochun to a boy sitting alone in the corner of the room. The kid was thin and pale with dark messy hair, and Yoochun noticed he was wearing a green silk bathrobe over his sweats. He was staring solemnly at the floor, but smiled when Yoochun and Dr. Yunho approached.
"This is Junsu. He'll be your roommate. Junsu, this is Yoochun.”
Yoochun and Junsu acknowledged the introduction with a nod before Yunho left them alone to “get better acquainted.”
"So what are you in for?" Junsu asked, looking up at Yoochun.
Who does this kid think he is?
Yoochun scowled. "None of your damned business."
"Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought…if we're going to be friends…"
"I don't have any friends.”
Junsu's brow furrowed. "No friends? Not even an imaginary one?"
Confused, Yoochun said, "What? No, of course not."
Junsu nodded. "Just checking. See that guy over there?"
Yoochun looked. The guy Junsu was referring to was tall, nearly Yoochun's height, with spiky blonde hair. He was squinting out the window. It looked like he was talking to himself.
"That's Chad," Junsu continued. "He's got an imaginary girlfriend. His mother doesn't approve."
"That's nuts."
"Well, we're all a little nuts, aren't we?"
See, everybody thinks you’re crazy.
Yoochun shook his head. "I'm not crazy. I shouldn't even be here."
Junsu just smiled and nodded, like he'd heard it a hundred times before.
~~~~~
No one seemed to be in much of a hurry to get to their first group meeting. Yoochun definitely wasn’t, but he stepped in anyways with the kids filing out of the day room. They were nearing the nurse’s station when Yoochun saw a young man being led through the front doors. The guy was tiny and gorgeous, just Yoochun's type, with soft dark chestnut hair and piercing eyes that seemed to be taking in every inch of his surroundings. Suddenly, those eyes zeroed in on Yoochun, catching him staring, so he quickly lowered his gaze.
Bumping Junsu's shoulder with his own, Yoochun asked, voice low, "Who's that?"
Junsu looked to see who Yoochun was referring to and smiled.
"Oh, that's Jaejoong. They must have let him out."
"Let him out of where?"
"B-ward. That's where they send the ones who are too violent to be around us regular crazies."
Jaejoong's eyes never left Yoochun's and Yoochun had to fight the urge to fidget.
Junsu glanced back and forth between the two of them. His smiled faded and his shoulders slumped.
“What?”
Junsu sighed. “He likes you.”
Yoochun looked back at Jaejoong. The nurse was trying to get his attention but Jaejoong’s eyes were still focused on Yoochun.
Yoochun huffed out a laugh. “He doesn’t even know me.”
“Doesn’t seem to matter,” Junsu said, darting another look at Jaejoong. “He sure as hell never looks at anyone else like that.”
~~~~~
Yoochun really didn't like the idea of group counseling. He didn't know how he was supposed to sit in front of a bunch of other people and talk about his problems. His "problems" were nobody's business but his own and he didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.
There were eight kids total in Yoochun’s first group and they were all sitting in chairs arranged in a circle. Junsu was there, and Chad, but there was no Jaejoong. Yoochun pushed down the stab of disappointment.
People were still getting settled when the counselor walked in and called the group to order.
She was a petite woman, pretty, with dirty blond hair, pulled back in a careless ponytail. "To those of you who are new here, my name is Mary," she said, looking pointedly at Yoochun. "As I'm sure you've noticed we have a new person with us today. This is Yoochun," she gestured, and everyone in the room turned to look at him. "Please make him feel comfortable.”
Comfortable? Right. With everyone staring at him, there wasn't much chance of that.
The lights were too bright in here, too. Yoochun fidgeted anxiously and his leg started to twitch as the counselor continued, "I want to resume our discussion about relationships. Yesterday, we talked about the relationships we have with our families. All of you did wonderfully, and I'm hoping you'll all be willing to open up as well today as we talk about romantic relationships.
Oh God… Yoochun shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. This was going to be fun.
"Would anyone like to go first?"
Yoochun was surprised when a hand immediately shot up. He looked up to see Chad practically bouncing with excitement over getting to speak.
Mary nodded for Chad to go ahead and several others in the group groaned or rolled their eyes. Yoochun realized why as soon as Chad began to talk.
"I have the greatest girlfriend in the world," he said, beaming. His eyes darted over to a space behind Yoochun, and his smile grew wider as he nodded at something. Curious, Yoochun turned his head to see what he was looking at, but there was nothing there.
"She says she loves me very much." Chad continued to stare at a space just over Yoochun's head and wiggled in his seat like it took all his effort not to jump up and go to this girl he was so in love with.
Mary smiled serenely. "Thank you Chad." She glanced around at the others in the group before offering, "Has anyone else had what you would call a serious romantic relationship?"
No one moved or said anything and Yoochun dropped his eyes to the floor. This was not a conversation he wanted anything to do with.
Mary frowned. "Come on, I don't believe for a second that none of you have ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend."
Slowly, several hands went up.
"That's more like it. Changmin, how about you? What was your last relationship like?"
Changmin didn't look much older than Yoochun, only where Yoochun was cleaner cut, Changmin was rough looking. His long hair was pulled back in a pony-tail and he wore torn, faded jeans along with a black t-shirt, drawn tight around his biceps. He was sitting on the other side of Junsu, hunched over and he looking like he seriously regretted raising his hand.
He remained stubbornly silent but Mary wasn't going to let him off that easily. "How long were the two of you together?" she tried.
"Two years," Changmin mumbled.
"Two years. That's a long time."
"Yeah and then she cheated on me."
Mary nodded sadly. "That must have been very difficult."
"Yeah, it was. For her."
"What do you mean?"
Changmin raised his chin and straightened his shoulders. "She learned real quick not to cheat on me."
Mary’s eyes narrowed and she studied Changmin silently for a long moment before she leaned back in her chair. She crossed one leg over the other and asked, "Was that the first or the second time you were arrested?"
Changmin's attitude disappeared as quickly as it arrived and he dropped his eyes.
“The second.”
From the look of Changmin, Yoochun wasn’t surprised to hear that. And from the lack of reaction in the room, neither were the others.
"And what exactly were you arrested for?" Mary questioned but Yoochun had a feeling she already knew.
Where only moments before, Changmin had seemed happy to brag, now it looked like speaking the words was painful.
"Simple assault," he said softly.
"So you hit her?"
The boy could only nod.
"And do you think that was an appropriate way of dealing with the situation?"
Changmin shook his head.
"What was that?" Mary asked, leaning forward in her seat.
"No," Changmin said brusquely. Eyes narrowed, he grumbled, "I shouldn't have touched her. I know that."
"And if that happened again, if you had another girlfriend who cheated on you, what would you do differently?"
"Well first of all," Changmin spat out, "I wouldn't date another cheating whore."
Mary frowned hard at Changmin's choice of words and the sneer dropped off of the boy's face. He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"All of you know that those kinds of things cannot be predicted ahead of time." Mary said, addressing the group. "You can't tell just from looking at a person whether or not they will cheat on you." Turning back to Changmin, she said again, "So what would you do differently?"
Still refusing to look at her, Changmin mumbled, "I guess I would just walk away."
"Ok, that's good. You'd take yourself out of the situation."
"Yeah, I guess." He sat up a little straighter. "I don't think too clearly when I'm angry."
"That's a good insight, Changmin. It's good that you can recognize that." She looked around the circle of kids and her eyes settled on Sunny, a tiny girl whose chair was pushed just a little further back than the rest of the group.
"How about you, Sunny? When was your last relationship?"
Before Sunny could respond, the door to the room opened and Jaejoong walked in. His eyes found Yoochun’s immediately. Yoochun's breath caught in his throat and he was startled to find himself readily smiling at Jaejoong.
Cut it out.
Mary turned to look at the tall boy standing in the doorway. "Jaejoong! It's good to have you back with us. Are you all settled in?”
Jaejoong nodded. His eyes never left Yoochun’s though, and Yoochun's blanched at the attention. He looked away and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck nervously.
"Well, have a seat," Mary continued. "We're talking about our romantic relationships today."
There was an open spot next to the counselor, which would leave Jaejoong directly across from Yoochun, and he took it without saying a word.
"Go ahead, Sunny." Mary gave the girl an encouraging smile. "When was your last serious relationship?"
Sunny fidgeted in her seat and ran a hand through her long dark hair. "About a year ago, I guess."
"And how long were the two of you together?"
"Six months, maybe?”
“And what happened?”
“He broke up with me because he was sick of me."
"Relationships can fall apart for many reasons, Sunny. What makes you think he was sick of you?"
"He told me so!" Sandy said, indigantly.
Yoochun did his best to act interested in Sunny's story and ignore the way he could still feel Jaejoong's eyes on him. He could see out of the corner of his eye when the other boy stretched his legs out in front of him, trying to get comfortable.
Mary looked solemnly at Sunny and asked, "Is this the same boy we talked about in our one-on-one? The basketball player?"
Sunny nodded miserably.
"Now, if I remember correctly, you told me that this boy told you several times that he was worried about you. That he didn't like that you weren't eating. He told you that you were a beautiful girl and you refused to believe him. Is that true?"
Sunny’s face flushed red and she nodded.
"It sounds to me like he really cared about you."
When Sunny didn't respond, Mary continued. "Taking that into consideration, do you really think he got sick of you?"
Sunny looked like she wanted to argue, but in the end, she shook her head.
Satisfied for the time being, Mary turned her attention to Yoochun.
Shit.
"What about you Yoochun? Have you ever been in what you would call a serious relationship?"
"No," Yoochun said flatly. This was the last thing in the world he wanted to talk about.
"Never?" she pressed. "You've never had a girlfriend?"
"No," he said, throwing her a dirty look, "but seeing as I'm gay, I'm not too worried about that."
If Yoochun thought the counselor would be surprised, or react to the admission in some way, he was wrong. Mary only nodded. "So, what about a boyfriend then?"
Yoochun shook his head.
Don’t say anymore.
"You're still young," she went on. "There's nothing wrong with not being ready to make a commitment. Lots of young people would rather just date…"
Yoochun shook his head again before the woman could even finish. "I don't date."
Irritated at his inability to keep his mouth shut, Yoochun grimaced and crossed his arms over his chest. Of course she wasn't going to just let him go after that. "Why don't you date?" Mary asked, as she turned in her chair a little to look directly at him.
Yoochun heaved out a sigh. "I just don't do relationships. I find a guy I like, I get what I need, and I move on. That's it."
“Have you always felt that way?”
Yoochun slouched back in his seat. God must really hate him for putting him through this. When he didn't respond, Mary offered, "Maybe something happened?"
She wasn't going to let up, but if she thought Yoochun was going to just open up his heart and soul to her, she was dead wrong.
"Come on, Yoochun…" Mary prodded. "I'm sure there's a reason."
Yoochun glowered at her and did his best to ignore all the eyes on him. "It’s not worth it. You let someone in…you're just gonna get hurt."
He expected the counselor to argue with him; instead, it was Jaejoong who spoke up. "That's not true.” Yoochun looked over to find the other boy looking a little uncomfortable, but determined. His eyes caught Yoochun's and held.
"What makes you say that, Jaejoong?" Mary asked, clearly intrigued.
Yoochun fought the urge to hide and pretend that this conversation had nothing to do with him, but Jaejoong's eyes were soft, almost pleading, and Yoochun couldn't bring himself to look away.
"I think he just hasn't found the right one yet."
"That could be true. You mentioned once before, Jaejoong, in our one-on-one, that you had a boyfriend at home. Is that how you feel about him?"
A sheepish smile crossed Jaejoong's face, and he said, eyes never leaving Yoochun's, "I used to. Now I'm not so sure."
Yoochun was relieved when the counselors told him he had to take an art therapy group. That he could handle. He used to draw all the time. It was one of the few things that made him happy. Now he dragged the charcoal across the paper and tried to imagine he was back home in his room, with his favorite pencils, and the easel his mom got him for his birthday the year before. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t in some loony bin surrounded by people he didn’t know and nurses who forced him to down a bunch of pills that totally washed him out.
The bowl of plastic fruit he was supposed to be drawing looked more abstract than still life though, so Yoochun was surprised when he was pulled from his reverie by a voice saying, “That’s nice. What is it?”
Yoochun looked up to see Jaejoong standing next to him, a small smile playing on his face and his hair flopping in his eyes.
“If it was really nice you wouldn’t have to ask what it was,” Yoochun replied. He watched as Jaejoong laughed and palmed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture Yoochun found adorable.
“Ok…no…I know what it is,” Jaejoong stuttered, cheeks flushed. “It really is good. You’re ah…you’re good.”
A sharp laugh kept Yoochun from responding. Changmin was at the easel next to him, making his own pitiful attempt at drawing the same fruit bowl.
Jaejoong’s brows drew together in a sharp line. “What’s your problem, Max?”
Changmin sniggered again. “Nothing. It just didn’t take you very long, did it, Kim?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, you just got back and already you’re hitting on the prettiest girl in the room.”
Yoochun’s back stiffened, but before he could say anything, Jaejoong took a step forward. He towered over Changmin, but Changmin only squared his shoulders and faced Jaejoong head on.
“I think you need to learn to mind your own business,” Jaejoong said, his tone a warning.
Yoochun glanced anxiously at the kids scattered around the room, working on their own projects. They were beginning to stare.
Paying no attention, Changmin went on. “No, you’re right,” he said, “It’s your business if you want to hook up with one of the freaks in this place. Just how ‘bout doing it somewhere I don’t have to watch.”
Hands balled into fists, Jaejoong leaned in closer to Changmin. “You better watch what you say, little man.”
Changmin huffed out a laugh. “Or what? What are you gonna do? Hit me?”
Jaejoong’s eyes darted furiously between Changmin, Yoochun, and the others, his face red with either fury or embarrassment.
“Go on then. Hit me.” Changmin goaded. His arms opened wide in a welcoming gesture. “Show me what a big man you are.”
Yoochun jumped back as Jaejoong’s fist flew, smashing into the easel Changmin was using. The board split in two while Changmin’s canvas cracked down the middle. Only half the easel was standing now, and Jaejoong’s second punch sent it flying into the wall.
The room erupted into a series of gasps and screams and Yoochun watched as Jaejoong squeezed his eyes shut. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he pulled hard on the long strands and hissed, “Shit…shit…shit.” But when he opened his eyes, all the anger was gone, replaced by what Yoochun could only describe as fear.
It was later, after spending twenty minutes in Yunho’s office being questioned about the incident, that Yoochun found Junsu waiting for him in the hallway.
“What’d you say?” he asked, pushing away from the wall.
“I told him I didn’t see what happened.”
Junsu waited until they were past the nurse’s station to say, “He’s never going to believe that.”
“Well he better. I can’t do this. I have to get out of here.”
Junsu scowled and pulled Yoochun back by the arm. “Look, if you really want to get out of here you have to play the shrinks.”
“What do you mean?”
“You just can’t make it too easy for them. You gotta resist, and then give a little. Give them an insight,” he said, giving Yoochun a wry smile at the term the counselors used for a patient’s breakthrough. “And it’s gotta be real.”
“Wait a minute, if you’re so smart, what are you still doing here?”
Junsu sighed. “They care more about my cutting than they do my insights.”
Yoochun’s eyes darted down to Junsu’s arms, which he realized were always covered up by long-sleeve shirts or that stupid silk robe he always wore.
“Then stop.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can.”
Junsu’s expression hardened and he turned to leave. Yoochun grabbed his arm to stop him but Junsu yanked away. “I don’t want to talk about it!” he cried, before taking off down the hall.
~~~~~
The ceiling lights came on as Yoochun wandered aimlessly through the halls, not knowing what to do with himself. Eventually, he ended up in the day room, where he found Jaejoong standing next to the window, fingers tangled in the chicken wire as he stared up at the stars.
“Hey,” Yoochun said, feeling awkward and unsure if the boy even wanted to talk.
“Hey,” Jaejoong responded, giving Yoochun a warm smile, which made him relax a little. He stepped further into the room.
“What are you doing?” he asked, moving to take a seat on one of the couches.
Jaejoong let out a long, tired sigh. “Just thinking.” He flopped down on the couch next to Yoochun and let out a frustrated breath. “I’m sorry…about what happened. I hope I didn’t scare you.”
“Nah,” Yoochun said, waving away the notion. “It wasn’t your fault. Changmin was being an ass.”
Yoochun tried to get more comfortable, but the cushions were too soft, so when he shifted, he only ended up sinking more into Jaejoong’s side of the couch. But instead of pulling away, Yoochun found himself settling into Jaejoong’s side, until their shoulders were touching.
He thought he caught a glimpse of a smile on Jaejoong’s face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it appeared.
“No,” Jaejoong said, shaking his head. “I lost my temper. I shouldn’t have…” he groaned and raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I guess I have a little bit of a problem…controlling myself. I can’t be going off every time some asshole baits me. Hell, it’s what landed me in here in the first place.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, well…that and a few other things. Like, I stole a car. But it was just my dad’s car, and he’s just trying to teach me a lesson by pressing charges. And it was my brother who taught me how to hot-wire it in the first place, but does my dad blame at him? Nope, just me - the fuck up of the family.”
“Well that sucks.”
Jaejoong nodded his head in agreement. “But mostly, I guess, it was because of this fight. I put a guy in the hospital.”
Yoochun’s eyes widened. Jaejoong caught his expression, gave him a sheepish smile, and shrugged his shoulder. “He did call my sister a slut though, so I think he kind of deserved it.”
Yoochun laughed. “Yeah, I’d lose my shit too, if I had a sister and someone called her that.”
Jaejoong chuckled and bumped Yoochun’s knee casually with his own. “So what brought you to this fine establishment?”
Yoochun stiffened at the question. He liked Jaejoong, but he wasn’t so sure he was up to sharing just yet. Luckily, he didn’t have to fumble with an excuse because an orderly poked his head into the room and ordered them off to bed.
~~~~~
When the director told Yoochun that his mother was there to see him, he wanted to refuse. But then he remembered Junsu’s advice about playing along, and went without argument.
Initially all three sat quietly, not sure of what to say, before Yoochun finally broke the silence.
“How’s Yoohwan?”
“Your brother’s fine. He misses you.”
“At least somebody does.”
“Is that what you really think, Yoochun?” Yunho asked. “That your mother doesn’t miss you?”
“If I didn’t think it, why would I say it?”
Yunho gave Yoochun a look that reminded him he was supposed to be telling them what they wanted to hear. He did his best to look contrite. “I was… a lot of trouble and I think maybe she’s happy I’m gone.”
“That’s a good insight,” Yunho said, smiling, and Yoochun did his best not to smirk.
When he returned to the day room, Jaejoong was playing pool. Yoochun paced restlessly around the table, picked up a pool cue, and glared down at the green felt as if it was the cause of all his troubles.
“This place is fucked up,” he blurted suddenly, and threw the pool cue back onto the table. It landed with a hard smack and several orderlies looked Yoochun’s way at the noise. Their eyes narrowed as they studied him, just waiting for him to fly off the handle.
Yoochun ignored them. “Why talk to your kid when you can pay a shrink to tell you how he feels?” he said bitterly. He shook his head, disgusted, and smacked the eight ball across the table.
Both boys stood silently for a long moment before Jaejoong finally said, “Wanna play?”
“No.”
“Wanna learn?”
When Yoochun looked up at the other boy, Jaejoong was smirking.
“I know how to play.”
The look Jaejoong gave him was clearly challenging him to prove it.
Jaejoong smirked again when Yoochun narrowed his eyes at him and picked up a cue.
Then it was Yoochun’s turn to smirk when he sunk two balls in a row.
Jaejoong raised his eyebrows. “I guess you do.”
“My father taught me, before he left,” Yoochun volunteered and sunk another ball.
“Is your father a pool shark?”
Yoochun huffed out a laugh. “No. He’s an architect.”
“Is that what you want to do, be an architect?”
“No, I want to be an artist. I want to paint, go to Paris, study the greats.”
When Yoochun missed his next shot, Jaejoong took his turn. He didn’t even come close and Yoochun raised an eyebrow at him.
“Shut up.” Jaejoong muttered. He was smiling though and Yoochun found himself smiling back.
Yoochun was on his way to clearing the table, and leaning over to line up his next shot, when his felt the brush of Jaejoong’s arm against his. Jaejoong casually stepped closer, until he was pressed up against Yoochun’s side and said, “Need someone to carry your luggage?”
Yoochun could feel Jaejoong’s breath over the side of his neck and shivered.
Yoochun pressed back until his hip met Jaejoong’s and said, “I don’t know. I might not be able to pay you much.”
He looked up at Jaejoong and cocked his head, watched as the other boy’s eyes dropped to his mouth. Unconsciously, Yoochun licked his lips.
Jaejoong let out a harsh breath that Yoochun felt, hot against his face.
He watched, mesmerized as Jaejoong bit his lip, his eyes darting between Yoochun’s eyes and mouth.
Jaejoong’s mouth was only inches away, and Yoochun found himself having to fight the urge to press as close as he could get and bring their lips together.
Clearing his throat, Yoochun forced himself to step back, putting a little bit of distance between them.
He turned back to the pool table and heard Jaejoong clear his throat before saying, “I always knew I wanted to do something, I just haven’t figured out what.
Yoochun smiled. “You’ll find it,” he said before he leaned down, took aim, and shot the eight ball into the corner pocket.
~~~~~~
The birthday cake was huge, big enough to feed two dozen people, which was exactly what it had to do. It was Junsu’s birthday and A-ward was throwing him a party.
The day room was covered in streamers and balloons and a lot of the kids were wearing party hats.
Jaejoong tried to make Yoochun wear one but Yoochun swore at him, pulled it off, and smacked him with it.
A little boom box in the corner was playing the best of the eighties and Yoochun was surprised that some kids were actually dancing.
The song was Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible” and Chad was dancing with his invisible girlfriend, old time ball room style, swinging “her” around the dance floor.
Changmin spotted Chad and, flashing a wicked smile, asked if he could cut in.
Chad looked perplexed. Changmin always claimed he didn’t believe in the existence of the love of Chad’s life, but the look Changmin was giving him now was earnest and purely innocent.
Reluctantly, he stepped back, motioning for Changmin to go ahead.
Grinning widely, and casting a quick look over at Yoochun and the others, to make sure they were watching, Changmin pretended to swing Chad’s invisible girl into his arms and lead her around the dance floor.
With his hands holding nothing but thin air, Changmin proceeded to “dance” with Chad’s girlfriend.
“Whoa, dude…” Changmin said, looking at Chad, eyes wide, “you are one lucky guy.”
Chad reached out then to take her back and Changmin made like he was reluctant to let her go.
With his girlfriend safe back in his arms, Chad shrugged at her like he’d actually been asked a question. It looked like he was telling her he didn’t know what Changmin was about either while Changmin clutched his hand to his heart. Acting like he’d been struck by Cupid ’s bow, Changmin backed away from Chad’s invisible beauty like it was the hardest thing he had ever done.
The Bunny Hop began to play and several counselors were trying to urge the patients to join in. Yoochun and Jaejoong took the opportunity to slip out of the room. They stood in the hallway, out of the counselor’s line of sight.
Yoochun leaned against the wall and Jaejoong joined him, their shoulders pressed together.
“When’s your birthday?” Jaejoong asked.
“June 4th.”
“That’s too far away, I think. God, I lose all track of time in here." Jaejoong’s eyes dropped to the floor and he shuffled his feet distractedly.
Yoochun watched him for a moment before he asked, “How long have you been here, Jaejoong?”
Jaejoong shrugged. Trying to sound nonchalant, he said, “A few months.”
Yoochun didn’t say anything. He had the feeling the other boy wasn’t finished.
After a long, drawn out moment, Jaejoong sighed in resignation. “Four months.”
Yoochun took a second to process that information and when he wasn’t sure what to say, he just asked, “When’s your birthday?”
Jaejoong smiled slightly. “January 26th.”
They were both quiet again. But this time the silence wasn’t so awkward. It was almost comfortable.
What are you doing?
Yoochun ignored the voice. Jaejoong was a warm weight against his side and it felt good.
You have to stop this.
Stop what? Stop liking Jaejoong? Yoochun didn’t want to stop. Jaejoong was nice.
You thought Seung-hyun was nice too.
Shit.
Suddenly, Jaejoong was in front of him. Lost in his thoughts, Yoochun never even felt him move.
Jaejoong rested his hand on the wall next to Yoochun’s head and leaned in.
Yoochun sucked in a deep breath. For a second, he thought Jaejoong was going to kiss him, but the boy only whispered, “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.” Yoochun said, and lifted his hand, placing it on Jaejoong’s chest.
With only inches between them, Jaejoong breathed out, “Yoochun…” He looked down at Yoochun’s hand, his hair obscuring his eyes, and said Yoochun’s name again, like he just wanted to hear the sound of it in the air.
Yoochun could feel the rapid beat of Jaejoong’s heart under his fingers, the hard muscle underneath his thin t-shirt.
When Jaejoong’s hand covered his own, it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. Yoochun couldn’t breathe. His legs felt weak and it was like the press of Jaejoong’s palm was the only thing holding him up.
Jaejoong’s other hand moved to Yoochun’s hip. He squeezed tightly and leaned in a little closer, until their foreheads were almost touching.
All of a sudden, the lights in the hallway came on, jerking the both of them out of their trance. Jaejoong took a deep breath and stepped back just as one of the counselors, a tall, dark-haired woman Yoochun hadn’t really spoken to yet, appeared beside them.
“There you two are,” she said, looking relieved. “You can’t just disappear like that.”
Yoochun felt like they’d been caught out. He could still feel the heaviness in the air and his heart was still beating a mile a minute, but the counselor seemed oblivious.
“Party’s over,” she said as the other kids started a slow crawl out of the day room and towards the nurse’s station for their nighttime meds.
Jaejoong and Yoochun were the last ones into the stairwell. Yoochun was about to begin the climb to the second floor when Jaejoong grabbed his hand and pulled him back, away from the stairs and into the shadows behind them.
Yoochun’s back hit the wall and Jaejoong pinned him there, one hand on either side of Yoochun’s head. In the shadows, Yoochun couldn’t see his eyes, but they were so close, practically breathing each other’s air, that it was easy for Yoochun to lean in and press a quick kiss to Jaejoong’s lips.
Jaejoong sucked in a breath and then they were really kissing. Yoochun’s hands wound in Jaejoong’s hair and Jaejoong’s arms circled Yoochun’s waist, pulling him closer until there wasn’t even an inch between them.
Jaejoong moaned softly into Yoochun’s mouth as Yoochun kissed him, heat pooling low in Yoochun’s belly at the sound.
When he moaned again, Yoochun pulled his mouth away long enough to say, “Shhh…shhh.”
Jaejoong shook his head. He kissed Yoochun hard, biting down lightly on his lower lips before pulling back to breathe.
“God, Yoochun…you’re so…” Yoochun kissed him again to shut him up.
He knew they were really pushing their luck. At any moment, someone could come in there and find them, and then they would be separated. This would never be allowed, Yoochun was sure of it.
It was that thought that made Yoochun pull back, tilt his face out of reach when Jaejoong tried to follow him.
“Jaejoong, we have to stop.”
Jaejoong growled low and tried to kiss him again. Yoochun kissed him one more time, just a quick brush of lips, before pulling back and pushing at Jaejoong’s chest.
“Seriously, we’re going to get caught.”
Jaejoong reluctantly stepped back, hands balling into fists. Nodding, he said, “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”
They stared at each other for a long, heated moment, Yoochun’s fingers itching to pull him back. But he didn’t.
Yoochun lay on his bed, staring at cracked and discolored tiles on the ceiling. The lights went off at 8:00 just like they were supposed to, casting the room in an eerie glow from the moonlight cutting through the trees outside.
Yoochun thought about Jaejoong. Somehow, the boy had gotten under his skin.
What the hell are you doing?
Nothing, Yoochun thought.
Yeah right. You can’t lie to me.
It’s no big deal.
No big deal? That wasn’t what you thought the last time. Do you really want to go through that again? You know in the end, you’re not going to be enough. Just like…
“Quit thinking so loud,” Junsu said from his bed across the room.
Yoochun chuckled. “Sorry. Can’t help it.”
“This about Jaejoong?”
Yoochun propped himself up on his elbow and looked over at Junsu, who was gazing back at him with a knowing look in his eyes.
“How do you know about Jaejoong?”
Now it was Junsu’s turn to chuckle. “Dude, you guys are so obvious.”
Yoochun flopped back down on his bed.”It’s stupid,” he said to the ceiling.
“Why’s it stupid?”
Yoochun paused, not sure what he wanted to say. Finally, he mumbled, “I like him.”
“Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?” Junsu asked.
Yoochun let out a heavy sigh. “The last time I let myself hook up with a guy I actually liked, it…it didn’t turn out well.”
Junsu was silent for a while before he finally said, “Wanna talk about it?”
Yoochun actually considered it for a moment, then replied, “No.”
☆ to be continued....