Brigit's Flame August Week Two

[jellybeanchichi]

An extra chair
By JellybeanChiChi

The following is my entry for Brigit's Flame August Week Two. The prompt was brilliance.

Comments

[wierdauntie]

Awesome!I saw the music too!

[jellybeanchichi]

Hey, thanks so much. I was hoping the music would come through. Thanks for the kind words. Good luck this week.

[chauncey10]

you are totally too good a writer and i'm just in awe of your talent...:) chauncey

[jellybeanchichi]

You are making me blush. Thanks so much. - Jean :-)

Primary editor here!

[slang_jockey]

-She had feelings, but Philip always knew with Brenda, practicality always won out, even in matters of the heart. --A matter of opinion really, but this sentence seems a bit awkward, especially the use of the word 'always' twice. Might want to reword it.

-Brenda told his brother --'Brenda told her brother'

-with a fishing pole in pop’s hand. --'pop' ought to be capitalized

Re: Primary editor here!

[jellybeanchichi]

Hey,
Thanks for reading over the story. I appreciate your comments and input. I'm glad the story was effective (especially the blocking)
I will definitely make the changes you suggest (one of these days I'll get all my pronouns correct :-)
I thought your comments about numbers were interesting. I always use AP style with my writing (occupational hazard), so I use numerals for all ages, time of day and for numbers 10 and above. But I think I might have to rethink that with this writing style. I've noticed everyone else spells out their numbers.
Thanks again for taking the time to edit. I appreciate it.
Best regards,
JellybeanChiChi :-)

[kithlyara]

Sorry this is so late. I'm a bad editor for not getting this done before now >.<

Why would Jacob be teasing Phil in the car when the atmosphere is clearly tense? The whole exchange, while endearing, doesn’t seem to make sense based on the circumstances.

It goes back and forth a lot between Phil and Jacob, telling their thoughts, in an almost random seeming pattern. I know it’s all building towards a logical conclusion but it’s hard to follow in some parts. Perhaps if you focused on one characters point of view for longer it would make it easier to understand.

A lot of the rehearsal section of the story is dedicated to the individual instruments joining into the song and fading out again. It grows a bit tedious and ruins the initial magic of the descriptions.

I really like the story. I like how the father and son are finally faced with having to fully be a part of each other’s life. The father being forced to deal with how similar the son is to the dead mother and that causing a bond to form between them is touching.

[jellybeanchichi]

Thanks for reading.
Why did Jacob tease Phil? Because sometimes that's what people do with nervous tension. Especially someone who might not know how to talk to his son.
Thanks again for reading.

[kithlyara]

Understood. When I was reading it last night, it seemed a little out of place to me. I'm sorry if I didn't fully catch on at the time.