Comments | jellybeanchichi: Brigit's Flame August Week Three

jellybeanchichi

Brigit's Flame August Week Three

Aug 21, 2008 11:27

A boy and his bird
by JellybeanChiChi

The following is my entry for Brigit's Flame August Week Three. The prompt was canary in a coalmine. Thanks to OneHour2Write community for some ideas. And to Margaret and Ruth for Beta work.
( Click here to read the Week Three entry )

Comments 15

lisforliz August 23 2008, 04:33:43 UTC

I love all the insults in this piece, haha. It kind of gave me a "Stand By Me"/"The Body" vibe.

jellybeanchichi August 23 2008, 05:24:44 UTC

The anagrams were fun to do. Thanks so much for reading.

kithlyara August 23 2008, 04:53:20 UTC

I liked reading the bird's thoughts. It was entertaining. Good luck this week!

jellybeanchichi August 23 2008, 05:24:23 UTC

Thanks so much for reading. Good luck to you too.

csigeekfan August 23 2008, 16:12:40 UTC

I think it turned out well. I love the insults you used in this. Brought me right back to my childhood. lol

jellybeanchichi August 23 2008, 18:19:28 UTC

Thank you my friend. And please know, I would never address you as "Order Imp" (Prom Ride, maybe ;-)

csigeekfan August 23 2008, 22:53:00 UTC

ROFL. Cute. Very, very cute.

mermaidbia August 23 2008, 17:43:21 UTC

I was suspicious about what you were going to do in this piece (my head was yelling "What the fuck are they doing! Animal abuse, ANIMAL ABUSE!") but it instantly turned to LOVE when you started changing perspective to the bird. That was just hilariously done, very nice internal monologue there, incredibly funny, all those sidestabs at popular culture.
Awesome ending, too!
Voted!

jellybeanchichi August 23 2008, 18:20:21 UTC

Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate that. And don't worry, I am not into writing or doing animal abuse. :-)

dioscorea August 24 2008, 01:32:00 UTC

Hello, I'm one of your editors this week :)

Edit-wise, there were only two (very) minor things I noticed. One was with your formatting; there were two places where a double break was missed. The other thing was the sentence about reaching 'the mouth of a cave'. I think 'mouth of the cave' would be better in this instance since it was a specific cave they were going to. Other than that, everything was fine!

I really enjoyed the way you included the bird's perspective, and how he sounded so much more adult than the kids sounded. It was a great touch! As was the comment about Harry Potter :) Great work this week, good luck in the poll!

jellybeanchichi August 24 2008, 01:35:40 UTC

Thanks for your edits and your comments. They are most appreciated. Take care!