Brigit's Flame August Week Four

[jellybeanchichi]

Cracks in the façade

The following is my entry for Brigit's Flame August Week Four. The prompt was chameleon. Thanks to Ruth for the beta.

Comments

Los editoros

[mermaidbia]

Okay, I'm probably the wrong person to be editing this, since I'm not fond of criminal stories in general. Truth very honestly be told, I initially didn't like this much - I did not get the final revelation, and, at least in my opinion, there were too many unnecessary dialogues inbetween, but that's really just a matter of personal preference, and editing dooty is dooty, so I decided to read it again more carefully.

Here's stuff I came across along the way:
“Bullshit,” Dominga thought, not daring to voice that opinion out loud.
I don't think you need to put thoughts in quotations. Since it's already in Italics, a reader can pick up it's mental speech, so putting it in quotations like something said looks kinda odd to me.

“I happened to mention the miles to Duncan,” Emily said, talking about their boss. I think you revealed that Duncan is their boss a little too quickly in the narration. You made the reaer curious by making Emily casually mention the name, so it could've been a nice touch to reveal by and by - in the form of casual

Re: Los editoros

[jellybeanchichi]

Thanks for the input. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Sorry you didn't enjoy it. I wasn't totally pleased with the entry, but I wanted to try and get it in, rather than drop out for the week. I wasn't able to print it for the final read, so I apologize for the grammatical mistakes.
Some of your constructive criticisms I agree with, others I do not. But thank for you offering them.

[desert_rose]

Hi there

[jellybeanchichi]

Thanks so much for the edits. I have made them. Thanks again. I read the story over but it needed another edit before I posted. It's embarrassing to have so many grammatical mistakes :-)

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. The point about the length of the beginning is well taken. I actually cut a lot out of the beginning, but it definitely could be tightened a little more.

I can't take all the credit for getting the story done. My writing buddy, Ruth, kept pushing and pushing so I wouldn't give up. So, I'm thankful for her push.

Thanks again for your words and edits. I do appreciate it.
All the best,
Jean