Editor Here!triplescorpioSeptember 21 2008, 16:12:23 UTC
I'm one of your editors for this week. My editing "syle" is simply to tell you how a piece strikes me as a reader.
As far as grammar is concerned, I didn't pick up on any problems, so there is nothing to go over on that front.
Now, for content. I really liked your approach to the prompt with this format. It was a unique development of the topic. The only difficulty I had with it is that it felt "choppy" to me at the beginning and I was unsure of the connection between all the parts (but then, I might just be "slow?"). From my perspective, I think it might have helped if you'd named the main character and simply used her name in each segment instead of saying "the 21 year old," "the 23 year old," etc. What I did like about your piece was that you effectively conveyed the character's personality through the use of these vignettes, as well as illuminating the larger concept that life is made up of many different moments that make us who we are. Great idea, lovely portrayal.
Re: Editor Here!jellybeanchichiSeptember 26 2008, 20:14:28 UTC
Hi there. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. Thanks so much for the edits. I do understand your "choppy" comment. You were not the first person to say that, which probably means I need to to work on transitions in a piece like this. I also understand your idea about using a name. I did try that, but it didn't flow right. I don't know why. I think because it made the vignettes even more choppy. I was kind of going for a patchwork effect, and I don't know if I did that right. If I try this style of writing again, I need to take all your ideas into account. Thank you for them. Have a good weekend and thanks again for your comment. - Jean
And I'm your second editor - really late and I'm sorry. Things are hectic.
I love this - as I read through it, I felt like I was looking through a shoebox of old photos, each one with a story, and it relayed like that in my head. So, personally, I liked that it ended with a photo on a wall because it made sense.
I am a little confused though. Is this all woman, or are these just unconnected scenes? If it's one person throughout it all, are you showing the growth of this person with the ages? Because if you are, you need to make smoother transitions to show this. If not, than I think you may be over-using the ages, after awhile they started to become distracting and I wondered why you were so focused on the ages of people if these are suppose to be eternal memories. This might be just because I'm confused and didn't read it as I was suppose to though.
I saw nothing grammatically wrong with this, and I really loved the little windows you made into these moments of time. Well done!
You know, I never thought about that idea you gave about the photo on the wall. That is very insightful of you. Thank you for that observation.
The vignettes are from the same woman, however, it doesn't have to be. I guess it could be of any woman. But I was trying to show progression of one woman with the ages. It was meant to be a transition technique, and I'm not sure if it worked quite well. If you have any suggestions on how to use better transitions, I would be curious. There were several people who mentioned the choppiness of the piece. And I did want it to be like a shoebox or patchwork of one woman's life. But if the transitions don't work properly, then I need to figure something out.
Thanks so much for your comments. They are most appreciated. Any help with transitions is most welcome. Best regards, Jean
Actually, I didn't think it was too choppy. The only confusion I had was with the ages, but I'm not sure how to help with that. Maybe make it more clear somehow that it's one woman? I'm sorry, I'm not much help. I still like it though!
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As far as grammar is concerned, I didn't pick up on any problems, so there is nothing to go over on that front.
Now, for content. I really liked your approach to the prompt with this format. It was a unique development of the topic. The only difficulty I had with it is that it felt "choppy" to me at the beginning and I was unsure of the connection between all the parts (but then, I might just be "slow?"). From my perspective, I think it might have helped if you'd named the main character and simply used her name in each segment instead of saying "the 21 year old," "the 23 year old," etc. What I did like about your piece was that you effectively conveyed the character's personality through the use of these vignettes, as well as illuminating the larger concept that life is made up of many different moments that make us who we are. Great idea, lovely portrayal.
Reply
I do understand your "choppy" comment. You were not the first person to say that, which probably means I need to to work on transitions in a piece like this.
I also understand your idea about using a name. I did try that, but it didn't flow right. I don't know why. I think because it made the vignettes even more choppy. I was kind of going for a patchwork effect, and I don't know if I did that right.
If I try this style of writing again, I need to take all your ideas into account. Thank you for them.
Have a good weekend and thanks again for your comment.
- Jean
Reply
Reply
I truly appreciate you taking the time to read the story. Glad it read well.
Take care :-)
- Jean
Reply
I love this - as I read through it, I felt like I was looking through a shoebox of old photos, each one with a story, and it relayed like that in my head. So, personally, I liked that it ended with a photo on a wall because it made sense.
I am a little confused though. Is this all woman, or are these just unconnected scenes? If it's one person throughout it all, are you showing the growth of this person with the ages? Because if you are, you need to make smoother transitions to show this. If not, than I think you may be over-using the ages, after awhile they started to become distracting and I wondered why you were so focused on the ages of people if these are suppose to be eternal memories. This might be just because I'm confused and didn't read it as I was suppose to though.
I saw nothing grammatically wrong with this, and I really loved the little windows you made into these moments of time. Well done!
Reply
The vignettes are from the same woman, however, it doesn't have to be. I guess it could be of any woman. But I was trying to show progression of one woman with the ages. It was meant to be a transition technique, and I'm not sure if it worked quite well.
If you have any suggestions on how to use better transitions, I would be curious. There were several people who mentioned the choppiness of the piece. And I did want it to be like a shoebox or patchwork of one woman's life. But if the transitions don't work properly, then I need to figure something out.
Thanks so much for your comments. They are most appreciated. Any help with transitions is most welcome.
Best regards,
Jean
Reply
Reply
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