(no subject)
While this week is supposed to be filled with stress because of finals, thats not what is on my mind. Ok, well my photo final is majorly on my mind and is taking me way to long to do, but I've been having this one issue all week. Through circumstances that honestly didn't involve me being a stalker (for once in my life), I ended up on Charlie's facebook page. Just to clear it up, Charlie really hasn't been an issue for me for almost three years now. I had only seen him once this semester, until tonight, and like all the other times that I had seen him around campus, he didn't recognize or notice me. And even though that hurts me a lot, its what I prefer because when I do see him, I get that nasty jolt in my heart. That whole "OH MY GOD, YOU CAUSE PAIN!" feeling, mixed with "I WAS OBSESSED WITH YOU ONCE!!" and "EW WHAT WAS I THINKING?" and even a little "I miss you a bit." This results in dizziness, hyperventilation, sweating, blurred vision, etc.
ANYWAY, I ended up on his facebook page earlier this week, and saw that he and his girlfriend had broken up. I was shocked. They were perfect and amazing together and disgustingly cute and in love. They were just perfect. And I had gotten to a point where I respected and liked them even though I don't talk to Charlie anymore, and I was proud of myself because, hey, this was the girl he picked over me back forever ago and I was glad I had gotten past that jealousy and hatred. But now they are broken up, and (through circumstance that definitely involved me being a stalker) I noticed that they still talk a lot and are best friends, so I'm SUPER curious about the situation. Which leads me to part of my stress: Why do I care? This person is no longer in my life. Besides, any significance he had to me was all during my awkward, naive, hopeless little sophomore-in-highschool stage, and really, who dwells on their internet boyfriend from sophomore year they only went out with physically once? LAME.
Yes, he broke my heart and gave me no explanation. Yes, we had a very insane connection that I've never felt with any other person. Yes, it was the closest thing to love before I actually experienced love. But it wasn't real. And when I look at him now, I can't even imagine how awkward his sex life must be or how annoying his clinginess is or how difficult it is to be going out with somebody as ridiculously skinny and pale and strange and ginger as him. SO WHAT THE FUCK.
I had been thinking about all of this a lot lately, as well as trying to murder the small part of me that was happy in a vindictive way when I found out they had broken up (but was still overpowered by my shock and horror of such a cute couple failing), and OF COURSE I saw him today. I had just finished walking up two flights of stairs, and he was right there, and I turned away as quickly as I could, and went to the next flight of stairs. He followed behind me for a few seconds then turned somewhere, and I literally ran up two more flights just trying to escape. It took me a half an hour to get my breath back and stop feeling like my body was going to melt. It was horrible. And now I’m left wondering: Why do I feel like this when I see him? Every part of me says I’m over all of it and not mad at him or upset or resentful of how it tore me up and hurt me when all of that shit happened, but I am just telling myself that? Why else would I get so anxious and sad when I see him? What I really feel the need to do is write him a long ass letter just telling him how much I hate seeing him and hated feeling so sad because of how he handled that situation, but that’s so petty and stupid. What’s my problem????????
In other (and totally unrelated) news, I've been dreaming a lot about babies. Having babies, taking care of babies, being near other people's babies. Its weird and when I wake up I always feel really loving and nurturing. Its also weird because in a few of the dreams, I'm in my dead grandmother's house. Death, birth, life, its all too much to think about right now. But its also the theme of my photo project, so I have to.
ANYWAY, I ended up on his facebook page earlier this week, and saw that he and his girlfriend had broken up. I was shocked. They were perfect and amazing together and disgustingly cute and in love. They were just perfect. And I had gotten to a point where I respected and liked them even though I don't talk to Charlie anymore, and I was proud of myself because, hey, this was the girl he picked over me back forever ago and I was glad I had gotten past that jealousy and hatred. But now they are broken up, and (through circumstance that definitely involved me being a stalker) I noticed that they still talk a lot and are best friends, so I'm SUPER curious about the situation. Which leads me to part of my stress: Why do I care? This person is no longer in my life. Besides, any significance he had to me was all during my awkward, naive, hopeless little sophomore-in-highschool stage, and really, who dwells on their internet boyfriend from sophomore year they only went out with physically once? LAME.
Yes, he broke my heart and gave me no explanation. Yes, we had a very insane connection that I've never felt with any other person. Yes, it was the closest thing to love before I actually experienced love. But it wasn't real. And when I look at him now, I can't even imagine how awkward his sex life must be or how annoying his clinginess is or how difficult it is to be going out with somebody as ridiculously skinny and pale and strange and ginger as him. SO WHAT THE FUCK.
I had been thinking about all of this a lot lately, as well as trying to murder the small part of me that was happy in a vindictive way when I found out they had broken up (but was still overpowered by my shock and horror of such a cute couple failing), and OF COURSE I saw him today. I had just finished walking up two flights of stairs, and he was right there, and I turned away as quickly as I could, and went to the next flight of stairs. He followed behind me for a few seconds then turned somewhere, and I literally ran up two more flights just trying to escape. It took me a half an hour to get my breath back and stop feeling like my body was going to melt. It was horrible. And now I’m left wondering: Why do I feel like this when I see him? Every part of me says I’m over all of it and not mad at him or upset or resentful of how it tore me up and hurt me when all of that shit happened, but I am just telling myself that? Why else would I get so anxious and sad when I see him? What I really feel the need to do is write him a long ass letter just telling him how much I hate seeing him and hated feeling so sad because of how he handled that situation, but that’s so petty and stupid. What’s my problem????????
In other (and totally unrelated) news, I've been dreaming a lot about babies. Having babies, taking care of babies, being near other people's babies. Its weird and when I wake up I always feel really loving and nurturing. Its also weird because in a few of the dreams, I'm in my dead grandmother's house. Death, birth, life, its all too much to think about right now. But its also the theme of my photo project, so I have to.