Concern about my son
October 4, 2006
9:34am
"Patrick's Mom", (names changed to protect privacy)
I was informed today that Patrick has been misbehaving during breakfast. Today he spit at another child and slapped the child in the face with that child’s hand. He said the student was bothering him. The adult in charge told him to use his words not actions and to tell any adult if someone bothers him. She also said that in the past he was had trouble but he got himself together. We felt it was very concerning to us and the safety of himself and others that you should be aware of the situation before he is sent to the office on a referral.
Sincerely,
Mrs,.Swizzle
October 4, 2006
10:45pm
Mrs. Swizzle,
I understand your concern for Patrick, and for the other students at the school. I also understand the need for those students to interact on certain levels, and with certain expectations, in order for them all to learn and play together without too much conflict.
Erik and I have spoken at length with Patrick about the breakfast room situation to which you refer. We asked him to give us his version of events, and then we asked him specifically about the incidents you mentioned. He did blow a "raspberry" at another student, "Jonathan", when Jonathan repeatedly got into Patrick's face, making faces at him, at breakfast. Apparently this is a child with whom he sits at breakfast quite a bit. According to Patrick, Jonathan is not in your class, though he is 5-years-old and is in a class which does take recess with your class. Again, the concept of a teacher (or other school authority figure) seeing only Patrick's participation in any given altercation comes to the forefront of my mind. No one saw the impetus for Patrick's retaliation, therefore as far as anyone else is concerned, Patrick was the agressor.
This is also where the story from the cafeteria worker, and the story from Patrick, greatly diverge.
Since our conference, Patrick has taken the dim view that "hugs are bad at school," rather than try to sort out instances that won't get him into trouble from "good touch"/"bad touch" situations with other children. According to Patrick, Jonathan was tugging on him in a hug, and wouldn't let go. Patrick did pull the child's arms away from himself by the child's wrists, and push the child's hands away, but he did not slap the child, nor did he cause the child to slap himself. We asked him about this sixteen ways from Sunday. Not once did he waiver in his answer. We asked him at different times in the conversation, as well. His answer changed very little in its wording, but it was always clear; he did not hit the child with his, or that child's, hand or arms.
Patrick came back from Mobile (with his father) ready to be the best he could be. He was ready to keep his hands to himself, keep his feet to himself, and to be quiet and pay attention in class. He got a smiley face on Monday, and was thrilled. On Tuesday, he did a happy dance when we got home and he showed me his second smiley for the week. On Wednesday, he was loathe to tell me what he'd gotten on his calendar, though it was only a green dot for that day. Because he had been in the bathroom longer than allowed. He was upset because he thought I would be "mad at him" for getting that green dot. We talked about it, and he was ready to go on Thursday. On Thursday, he was swinging his lunchbox back and forth in the lunchroom, bored, accidentally hit another student, and he got a yellow dot. I cannot tell you how upset he was that afternoon.
As I was driving home that evening after taking Patrick out for dinner, Patrick was riding in the back seat when I came to a stoplight. It broke my heart when he asked, "Mommy, why am I ugly?" His voice was so sad, so defeated, that I nearly began to cry right then and there. I asked him who had told him that, who said he was ugly, and he said, "No one. I just know it from my face, when I see it in the mirror." He is five years old - and *something* has caused his self-esteem and self-worth to shift drastically in the last 3 months.
He has been in school for two years prior to now. No, they were not as structured as elementary school, but he *has* had interaction with children his own age for over two years now, in classroom and playground settings. He has never - never - had anywhere near the problems he is having now. He has never had another child take his glasses and break them before. He has never been pushed down on the playground and had bruises left on his back as evidence. I have never been told anything but how sweet and caring and considerate Patrick is of his classmates and the adults in the classroom.
Today, Patrick came home with a red, bruised, raised knot on the right side of his forehead. He was scratching at his hair when he whimpered and I heard him say, "Ow." When I went to investigate, I found the knot, and asked him what happened. He got upset, told me, "Don't worry about it," but when I asked him what and who had been involved, all he could tell me was that "there was a pole on the playground," then he got quiet and sullen. *Something* happened out there today, and my child won't talk to me about it. And, from the sounds of it, no adult saw what happened, either. It is *entirely* possible that Patrick wasn't watching where he was going, and he ran into a pole on the playground, yes. But he would have told me that. Even if he hadn't said it outright, he would not have become withdrawn the way he did when I questioned him. He was intentionally *not* telling me something.
We have talked to him, over and over again, about walking away from people trying to bother him. About telling an adult. But what happens when he and another child *are* playing, and they start playing a little too rough, and the other child "tells on" Patrick for rough-housing? As far as Patrick is concerned, he's getting in trouble for playing with the other kids.
My biggest concern is that he's taking those smileys and dots as measures for his worth. He sees the other children playing, some of them pushing him, and they're still getting their smileys and green dots, according to the display in the classroom (from what he's telling me). He doesn't understand why when he pushes back, he gets red and yellow dots. I have tried explaining that, "If the teacher doesn't see them, but they see you react," then he's going to be the one in trouble. I can just see the little "that's not fair" wheels spinning in his head, though, because I'm thinking it, too.
I have spoken to a couple of other classroom mothers about some of these "bullying" instances, and the same names come up from all of our children. The same aggressors. And Patrick's not one of those aggressors. According to their children, these "other boys" are mean to them, too; not just to Patrick.
What can I do? I obviously cannot come and sit in the classroom daily to confirm or deny either side of any of these stories. I *do* know my son, though. He was very straightforward in telling us about the breakfast incident today. I have no doubt that what we're calling a "raspberry" is to what you're referring as spit, and we agree that it's inappropriate, either way. I also know his disposition. He has *never* been this depressed about school before. He's never come home with bruises before, except on his knees from falling down, himself - certainly never from being pushed down on his back.
He has never had disciplinary problems before, with any previous teacher or other academic authority figure. I am not being sarcastic or rhetorical; I honestly want to know what more I can do. Obviously I don't want Patrick in further trouble, and I certainly don't want him suspended. What exactly do you mean by "before he is sent to the office on a referral"? A disciplinary referral? A psychiatrical referral? An administrative referral? Again, I intend no sarcasm - I genuinely need to know to what you are referring.
I apologize for the length of this email, though perhaps you can understand some of my frustration. We have *never* had to deal with *anything* like this before, ever. I have advised Patrick not to sit with Jonathan anymore in the breakfast area, and to avoid him on the playground. I have also advised him to go play with the girls who are his friends, if the boys are playing something he doesn't like. I have advised him, again, to go to a teacher if someone is bothering him. We have talked to him about not spending extra time and playing in the bathroom. He hasn't had any game or television time since the middle of last week, and we've taken *all* refined sugar out of his diet, except as treats. Those have been our decisions. Those have been our actions.
Patrick was a loving, caring, self-reliant and self-accomplished little boy. Now he thinks hugs are bad, that he's not allowed to defend himself, and that he's ugly. And all that has come about since this school year began. If you have any suggestions for how to reverse this problem, I am willing to listen.
Sincerely,
"Patrick's Mom"
I am not a bitch. I am an educated woman concerned about her son.
9:34am
"Patrick's Mom", (names changed to protect privacy)
I was informed today that Patrick has been misbehaving during breakfast. Today he spit at another child and slapped the child in the face with that child’s hand. He said the student was bothering him. The adult in charge told him to use his words not actions and to tell any adult if someone bothers him. She also said that in the past he was had trouble but he got himself together. We felt it was very concerning to us and the safety of himself and others that you should be aware of the situation before he is sent to the office on a referral.
Sincerely,
Mrs,.Swizzle
October 4, 2006
10:45pm
Mrs. Swizzle,
I understand your concern for Patrick, and for the other students at the school. I also understand the need for those students to interact on certain levels, and with certain expectations, in order for them all to learn and play together without too much conflict.
Erik and I have spoken at length with Patrick about the breakfast room situation to which you refer. We asked him to give us his version of events, and then we asked him specifically about the incidents you mentioned. He did blow a "raspberry" at another student, "Jonathan", when Jonathan repeatedly got into Patrick's face, making faces at him, at breakfast. Apparently this is a child with whom he sits at breakfast quite a bit. According to Patrick, Jonathan is not in your class, though he is 5-years-old and is in a class which does take recess with your class. Again, the concept of a teacher (or other school authority figure) seeing only Patrick's participation in any given altercation comes to the forefront of my mind. No one saw the impetus for Patrick's retaliation, therefore as far as anyone else is concerned, Patrick was the agressor.
This is also where the story from the cafeteria worker, and the story from Patrick, greatly diverge.
Since our conference, Patrick has taken the dim view that "hugs are bad at school," rather than try to sort out instances that won't get him into trouble from "good touch"/"bad touch" situations with other children. According to Patrick, Jonathan was tugging on him in a hug, and wouldn't let go. Patrick did pull the child's arms away from himself by the child's wrists, and push the child's hands away, but he did not slap the child, nor did he cause the child to slap himself. We asked him about this sixteen ways from Sunday. Not once did he waiver in his answer. We asked him at different times in the conversation, as well. His answer changed very little in its wording, but it was always clear; he did not hit the child with his, or that child's, hand or arms.
Patrick came back from Mobile (with his father) ready to be the best he could be. He was ready to keep his hands to himself, keep his feet to himself, and to be quiet and pay attention in class. He got a smiley face on Monday, and was thrilled. On Tuesday, he did a happy dance when we got home and he showed me his second smiley for the week. On Wednesday, he was loathe to tell me what he'd gotten on his calendar, though it was only a green dot for that day. Because he had been in the bathroom longer than allowed. He was upset because he thought I would be "mad at him" for getting that green dot. We talked about it, and he was ready to go on Thursday. On Thursday, he was swinging his lunchbox back and forth in the lunchroom, bored, accidentally hit another student, and he got a yellow dot. I cannot tell you how upset he was that afternoon.
As I was driving home that evening after taking Patrick out for dinner, Patrick was riding in the back seat when I came to a stoplight. It broke my heart when he asked, "Mommy, why am I ugly?" His voice was so sad, so defeated, that I nearly began to cry right then and there. I asked him who had told him that, who said he was ugly, and he said, "No one. I just know it from my face, when I see it in the mirror." He is five years old - and *something* has caused his self-esteem and self-worth to shift drastically in the last 3 months.
He has been in school for two years prior to now. No, they were not as structured as elementary school, but he *has* had interaction with children his own age for over two years now, in classroom and playground settings. He has never - never - had anywhere near the problems he is having now. He has never had another child take his glasses and break them before. He has never been pushed down on the playground and had bruises left on his back as evidence. I have never been told anything but how sweet and caring and considerate Patrick is of his classmates and the adults in the classroom.
Today, Patrick came home with a red, bruised, raised knot on the right side of his forehead. He was scratching at his hair when he whimpered and I heard him say, "Ow." When I went to investigate, I found the knot, and asked him what happened. He got upset, told me, "Don't worry about it," but when I asked him what and who had been involved, all he could tell me was that "there was a pole on the playground," then he got quiet and sullen. *Something* happened out there today, and my child won't talk to me about it. And, from the sounds of it, no adult saw what happened, either. It is *entirely* possible that Patrick wasn't watching where he was going, and he ran into a pole on the playground, yes. But he would have told me that. Even if he hadn't said it outright, he would not have become withdrawn the way he did when I questioned him. He was intentionally *not* telling me something.
We have talked to him, over and over again, about walking away from people trying to bother him. About telling an adult. But what happens when he and another child *are* playing, and they start playing a little too rough, and the other child "tells on" Patrick for rough-housing? As far as Patrick is concerned, he's getting in trouble for playing with the other kids.
My biggest concern is that he's taking those smileys and dots as measures for his worth. He sees the other children playing, some of them pushing him, and they're still getting their smileys and green dots, according to the display in the classroom (from what he's telling me). He doesn't understand why when he pushes back, he gets red and yellow dots. I have tried explaining that, "If the teacher doesn't see them, but they see you react," then he's going to be the one in trouble. I can just see the little "that's not fair" wheels spinning in his head, though, because I'm thinking it, too.
I have spoken to a couple of other classroom mothers about some of these "bullying" instances, and the same names come up from all of our children. The same aggressors. And Patrick's not one of those aggressors. According to their children, these "other boys" are mean to them, too; not just to Patrick.
What can I do? I obviously cannot come and sit in the classroom daily to confirm or deny either side of any of these stories. I *do* know my son, though. He was very straightforward in telling us about the breakfast incident today. I have no doubt that what we're calling a "raspberry" is to what you're referring as spit, and we agree that it's inappropriate, either way. I also know his disposition. He has *never* been this depressed about school before. He's never come home with bruises before, except on his knees from falling down, himself - certainly never from being pushed down on his back.
He has never had disciplinary problems before, with any previous teacher or other academic authority figure. I am not being sarcastic or rhetorical; I honestly want to know what more I can do. Obviously I don't want Patrick in further trouble, and I certainly don't want him suspended. What exactly do you mean by "before he is sent to the office on a referral"? A disciplinary referral? A psychiatrical referral? An administrative referral? Again, I intend no sarcasm - I genuinely need to know to what you are referring.
I apologize for the length of this email, though perhaps you can understand some of my frustration. We have *never* had to deal with *anything* like this before, ever. I have advised Patrick not to sit with Jonathan anymore in the breakfast area, and to avoid him on the playground. I have also advised him to go play with the girls who are his friends, if the boys are playing something he doesn't like. I have advised him, again, to go to a teacher if someone is bothering him. We have talked to him about not spending extra time and playing in the bathroom. He hasn't had any game or television time since the middle of last week, and we've taken *all* refined sugar out of his diet, except as treats. Those have been our decisions. Those have been our actions.
Patrick was a loving, caring, self-reliant and self-accomplished little boy. Now he thinks hugs are bad, that he's not allowed to defend himself, and that he's ugly. And all that has come about since this school year began. If you have any suggestions for how to reverse this problem, I am willing to listen.
Sincerely,
"Patrick's Mom"
I am not a bitch. I am an educated woman concerned about her son.