[DEATH NOTE] FIC: And All That Could Have Been
Title: And All That Could Have Been
Author: jengou
Fandom: Deathnote
Pairings: Mello/Matt
Genre: Angst. I promised I wouldn’t. Self-hatin’ as penance!
Rating: PG-13? IDK. Two boys nekkid in a tub.
Warnings: Spoilers for manga ch99, anime eps35.
Word Count: 1,343
Disclaimer: The boys own ME. I own nothing.
Summary: NOT AS PLANNED XD I mean. There’s only so much you can plan for.
Notes: This fic is for you, lieoah. Thanks to ikiningyo and ill_ame for the beta.
~
I know you tried to rescue me
didn’t let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been
~
"That's the plan."
This was where Mello would cross his ankles on the table, slinging one arm behind the couch, the other hand holding chocolate to his mouth, looking intensely smug with himself. The smugness would be somewhat justified, because even if Mello’s plans didn’t always pan out as they should, they were always more reckless than the ones before, and in Mello’s world that was maybe, possibly, worth something.
What’s wrong with this picture? Roger used to say, and Matt instinctively reeled off a list in his head. Mello sitting hunched up looking askance at Matt, his hair greasy, chocolate abandoned on the table. Mello laying out tomorrow’s plan as though it wasn’t really his own, though it was every bit as insane.
"This is a low risk operation for you. Divert their attention with a smoke bomb and drive off. If you get caught, be your charming self and give them too little information too late. Haul butt when you can."
Matt could sense that there was something Mello wasn’t telling him - something deemed not vital to the plan and hence, by Mello’s standards, not worth divulging. Matt shifted in his chair to get some feeling back in his bum, and tried to size Mello up. Mello’s eyes steeled.
"Are you with me or not?"
Matt met Mello’s gaze and held it. Kidnapping Takada was a stupid, dangerous plan. Matt took a slow drag of his cigarette. What the hell. Why don’t things change sometimes?
"’Course I’m with you. Come on, let’s take bath. I’ll wash your hair."
*
Matt hadn’t particularly cared which apartment they rented as their dispensable hideout, but he had insisted on a decent bathroom with a bath tub. Life had its simple pleasures, and soaking in a hot tub of water playing Nintendo DS was one of them. He let out a satisfied sigh as his goggles steamed up and he took them off.
“You’re such a geezer,” Mello said, dipping one foot into the hot water before slowly easing in, settling himself in the tub across from aforementioned geezer.
Matt closed his eyes and feigned another sigh, the figurative equivalent of a feigned innocent whistle, before he stuck both hands under the water and grabbed Mello’s feet, pulling them up and Mello under.
"FUCK Y-ackargplth!" Mello spluttered, and Matt noticed how Mello was the one who moved like an old man, sitting back up slowly, carefully, deliberately. Matt frowned, scooted over to Mello’s side and grabbed hold of his head. Mello raised an arm defensively, glaring.
"Good, you’re already wet. Now turn around and hold still."
Matt reached for the shampoo while Mello swiveled around reluctantly, back facing Matt. Matt lathered the shampoo on his wet palms and started massaging Mello’s head, fingers rubbing in small circles.
They were quiet for a while, fingers taking their time gliding over the contours of Mello’s scalp. When the balls of Matt’s thumbs pressed down on two spots on the back of Mello’s head behind the ears, Mello let out a small "mn" noise and stiffened. Matt grinned.
"I’m pretty good at this, huh? I worked in a hair salon for a while."
Mello snorted. "I thought you were straight."
*
"Kiss me," Mello had rasped.
Mello didn’t think he’d live to see tomorrow. He'd been burning with fever from the festering wounds after the explosion, and for once in his life he didn’t want to fight anymore. Matt had pretended not to hear, and Mello had growled.
"Matt. Kiss me. It’s my last fucking wish."
Matt had had tears in his eyes as he pressed his lips to Mello’s. The kiss tasted of friendship, of loyalty and trust. It tasted strongest of desire that wasn’t there, could never be.
"I’m sorry Mello. I dig chicks. That was the best I could do. I’m sorry."
*
"Dude, I was bored. I needed something to pass the time. And I could look down girls’ cleavages while I cut their hair." Matt nodded sagely. "Wasn’t a bad job. Ok, I’m done. Dunk your head."
Mello did, bending over, turning the water sudsy. Matt reached over to cup some water with his hand and poured it on Mello’s nape to help rinse off the shampoo. His elbow knocked against Mello’s shoulder blades, and Matt couldn’t help but notice with a pang how they stuck out, jagged and harsh against the taut skin, away from Mello’s body. When did you become so thin?
The water was still hot, so they each leaned back on one end of the bath tub, knees knocking, closed their eyes, and soaked. It was quite steamy in the bathroom, so Matt thought he’d give his DS a miss this time. Instead, he fiddled with Mello’s toes which were invading his end of the tub, and broke the silence.
"There’s something you’re not telling me, isn’t there?"
"...There’re a lot of things I’m not telling you." Mello jerked his foot back, half-heartedly kicking Matt’s hand away.
"You were on the phone with the SPK earlier." Matt specified, dodging the kicks.
"I was on the phone with Hal," Mello said tiredly, testily.
"Fuck it Mello, don’t get your panties in a twist. What’d she say then?" Matt successfully grabbed Mello’s big toe and held on to it, triumphant.
Mello averted his eyes, and his voice seemed to echo. "She said she loves me."
Matt held on to the toe a second more, then let go, and watched it settle back down in the water, hidden beneath the suds. His voice was carefully neutral when he replied. "And? What’d you say then?"
Mello’s voice wavered, the sound bouncing off the water oddly. "I told her I love her back."
"Well. Fucking Christ," Matt drawled, pointing his chin at Mello and looking down his nose. "Why’d you lie to her?"
"I didn’t." Mello glared.
Matt glared back, jaws clenched. "I thought you said you love me."
"Fuck you, Matt." Mello gritted his teeth and held up his hand, fingers outstretched. "You want to know something? I can count the number of people in my life who ever cared about me on ONE hand." He clenched his hand into a fist. "I wasn’t gonna fucking push her away."
Matt sulked. "I care about you."
Mello looked away, but not before Matt saw bitterness in his eyes. "Yes. I know." But not that way.
Annoyance flared. "You just want to fuck, is it? Is that what this is all about?"
Mello gripped the edge of the tub, his knuckles turning white. "It’s not just about a fucking flying fuck and you fucking know it!"
"Damn you Mello! You already know I'd die for you."
You’d rather die than love me back. Mello closed his eyes, pained. "I know. But that’s not going to happen." I’m not letting that happen.
Matt looked away and stewed while Mello kept to his side looking miserable. Eventually, Matt crawled over and sat himself down between Mello’s legs, easing his back into Mello’s chest, head leaning back and resting on Mello’s shoulder. Mello hesitated only a moment before wrapping his arms around Matt, cupping his hands around his shoulders, their bodies aligned.
They closed their eyes, eased further down into the cooling water, and tried not to think.
*
When Matt started ranting nonsense like, "Your toes look like wrinkly pink peanuts. Make ‘em dance," and started tickling, Mello knew it was time to get out of the tub.
Matt protested a bit, but reluctantly followed Mello up, water sluicing down noisily. They both toweled themselves off quickly before wrapping the towels around their waists and pattering out to the kitchen, leaving wet footprints on the linoleum.
Matt reached into the fridge and tossed a beer in Mello’s direction before opening his own can. “After all this is over, we gotta celebrate my birthday you know.”
They both took a swig and grinned. "You got something in mind?" Mello asked.
"We’ll take the car, drive to the beach at midnight," Matt gestured with his beer. "Drink to my 20th. Swim naked under the moon. Try not to drown." He smirked. "I might even let you cop a feel."
A corner of Mello’s mouth jerked up. "Sounds like a plan."
*
Notes: Title and song lyrics from NIN, Mello’s ‘hand’ quote paraphrased from ‘Strangers in Paradise’ by Terry Moore (if anyone can find me the exact quote, I’d be grateful). Concrit and comments most welcome.
I saw this M/M fanart by alex_zk, and it's so close to how I envisaged the first kiss scene in this fic that I asked for permission to link to it. Permission granted ^^
There is an optional sequel to this fic, Gone Fading Everything.
Author: jengou
Fandom: Deathnote
Pairings: Mello/Matt
Genre: Angst. I promised I wouldn’t. Self-hatin’ as penance!
Rating: PG-13? IDK. Two boys nekkid in a tub.
Warnings: Spoilers for manga ch99, anime eps35.
Word Count: 1,343
Disclaimer: The boys own ME. I own nothing.
Summary: NOT AS PLANNED XD I mean. There’s only so much you can plan for.
Notes: This fic is for you, lieoah. Thanks to ikiningyo and ill_ame for the beta.
~
I know you tried to rescue me
didn’t let anyone get in
left with a trace of all that was
and all that could have been
~
"That's the plan."
This was where Mello would cross his ankles on the table, slinging one arm behind the couch, the other hand holding chocolate to his mouth, looking intensely smug with himself. The smugness would be somewhat justified, because even if Mello’s plans didn’t always pan out as they should, they were always more reckless than the ones before, and in Mello’s world that was maybe, possibly, worth something.
What’s wrong with this picture? Roger used to say, and Matt instinctively reeled off a list in his head. Mello sitting hunched up looking askance at Matt, his hair greasy, chocolate abandoned on the table. Mello laying out tomorrow’s plan as though it wasn’t really his own, though it was every bit as insane.
"This is a low risk operation for you. Divert their attention with a smoke bomb and drive off. If you get caught, be your charming self and give them too little information too late. Haul butt when you can."
Matt could sense that there was something Mello wasn’t telling him - something deemed not vital to the plan and hence, by Mello’s standards, not worth divulging. Matt shifted in his chair to get some feeling back in his bum, and tried to size Mello up. Mello’s eyes steeled.
"Are you with me or not?"
Matt met Mello’s gaze and held it. Kidnapping Takada was a stupid, dangerous plan. Matt took a slow drag of his cigarette. What the hell. Why don’t things change sometimes?
"’Course I’m with you. Come on, let’s take bath. I’ll wash your hair."
*
Matt hadn’t particularly cared which apartment they rented as their dispensable hideout, but he had insisted on a decent bathroom with a bath tub. Life had its simple pleasures, and soaking in a hot tub of water playing Nintendo DS was one of them. He let out a satisfied sigh as his goggles steamed up and he took them off.
“You’re such a geezer,” Mello said, dipping one foot into the hot water before slowly easing in, settling himself in the tub across from aforementioned geezer.
Matt closed his eyes and feigned another sigh, the figurative equivalent of a feigned innocent whistle, before he stuck both hands under the water and grabbed Mello’s feet, pulling them up and Mello under.
"FUCK Y-ackargplth!" Mello spluttered, and Matt noticed how Mello was the one who moved like an old man, sitting back up slowly, carefully, deliberately. Matt frowned, scooted over to Mello’s side and grabbed hold of his head. Mello raised an arm defensively, glaring.
"Good, you’re already wet. Now turn around and hold still."
Matt reached for the shampoo while Mello swiveled around reluctantly, back facing Matt. Matt lathered the shampoo on his wet palms and started massaging Mello’s head, fingers rubbing in small circles.
They were quiet for a while, fingers taking their time gliding over the contours of Mello’s scalp. When the balls of Matt’s thumbs pressed down on two spots on the back of Mello’s head behind the ears, Mello let out a small "mn" noise and stiffened. Matt grinned.
"I’m pretty good at this, huh? I worked in a hair salon for a while."
Mello snorted. "I thought you were straight."
*
"Kiss me," Mello had rasped.
Mello didn’t think he’d live to see tomorrow. He'd been burning with fever from the festering wounds after the explosion, and for once in his life he didn’t want to fight anymore. Matt had pretended not to hear, and Mello had growled.
"Matt. Kiss me. It’s my last fucking wish."
Matt had had tears in his eyes as he pressed his lips to Mello’s. The kiss tasted of friendship, of loyalty and trust. It tasted strongest of desire that wasn’t there, could never be.
"I’m sorry Mello. I dig chicks. That was the best I could do. I’m sorry."
*
"Dude, I was bored. I needed something to pass the time. And I could look down girls’ cleavages while I cut their hair." Matt nodded sagely. "Wasn’t a bad job. Ok, I’m done. Dunk your head."
Mello did, bending over, turning the water sudsy. Matt reached over to cup some water with his hand and poured it on Mello’s nape to help rinse off the shampoo. His elbow knocked against Mello’s shoulder blades, and Matt couldn’t help but notice with a pang how they stuck out, jagged and harsh against the taut skin, away from Mello’s body. When did you become so thin?
The water was still hot, so they each leaned back on one end of the bath tub, knees knocking, closed their eyes, and soaked. It was quite steamy in the bathroom, so Matt thought he’d give his DS a miss this time. Instead, he fiddled with Mello’s toes which were invading his end of the tub, and broke the silence.
"There’s something you’re not telling me, isn’t there?"
"...There’re a lot of things I’m not telling you." Mello jerked his foot back, half-heartedly kicking Matt’s hand away.
"You were on the phone with the SPK earlier." Matt specified, dodging the kicks.
"I was on the phone with Hal," Mello said tiredly, testily.
"Fuck it Mello, don’t get your panties in a twist. What’d she say then?" Matt successfully grabbed Mello’s big toe and held on to it, triumphant.
Mello averted his eyes, and his voice seemed to echo. "She said she loves me."
Matt held on to the toe a second more, then let go, and watched it settle back down in the water, hidden beneath the suds. His voice was carefully neutral when he replied. "And? What’d you say then?"
Mello’s voice wavered, the sound bouncing off the water oddly. "I told her I love her back."
"Well. Fucking Christ," Matt drawled, pointing his chin at Mello and looking down his nose. "Why’d you lie to her?"
"I didn’t." Mello glared.
Matt glared back, jaws clenched. "I thought you said you love me."
"Fuck you, Matt." Mello gritted his teeth and held up his hand, fingers outstretched. "You want to know something? I can count the number of people in my life who ever cared about me on ONE hand." He clenched his hand into a fist. "I wasn’t gonna fucking push her away."
Matt sulked. "I care about you."
Mello looked away, but not before Matt saw bitterness in his eyes. "Yes. I know." But not that way.
Annoyance flared. "You just want to fuck, is it? Is that what this is all about?"
Mello gripped the edge of the tub, his knuckles turning white. "It’s not just about a fucking flying fuck and you fucking know it!"
"Damn you Mello! You already know I'd die for you."
You’d rather die than love me back. Mello closed his eyes, pained. "I know. But that’s not going to happen." I’m not letting that happen.
Matt looked away and stewed while Mello kept to his side looking miserable. Eventually, Matt crawled over and sat himself down between Mello’s legs, easing his back into Mello’s chest, head leaning back and resting on Mello’s shoulder. Mello hesitated only a moment before wrapping his arms around Matt, cupping his hands around his shoulders, their bodies aligned.
They closed their eyes, eased further down into the cooling water, and tried not to think.
*
When Matt started ranting nonsense like, "Your toes look like wrinkly pink peanuts. Make ‘em dance," and started tickling, Mello knew it was time to get out of the tub.
Matt protested a bit, but reluctantly followed Mello up, water sluicing down noisily. They both toweled themselves off quickly before wrapping the towels around their waists and pattering out to the kitchen, leaving wet footprints on the linoleum.
Matt reached into the fridge and tossed a beer in Mello’s direction before opening his own can. “After all this is over, we gotta celebrate my birthday you know.”
They both took a swig and grinned. "You got something in mind?" Mello asked.
"We’ll take the car, drive to the beach at midnight," Matt gestured with his beer. "Drink to my 20th. Swim naked under the moon. Try not to drown." He smirked. "I might even let you cop a feel."
A corner of Mello’s mouth jerked up. "Sounds like a plan."
*
Notes: Title and song lyrics from NIN, Mello’s ‘hand’ quote paraphrased from ‘Strangers in Paradise’ by Terry Moore (if anyone can find me the exact quote, I’d be grateful). Concrit and comments most welcome.
I saw this M/M fanart by alex_zk, and it's so close to how I envisaged the first kiss scene in this fic that I asked for permission to link to it. Permission granted ^^
There is an optional sequel to this fic, Gone Fading Everything.