(no subject)
So. It [seems like it] has been a while since those days.
It's difficult even for me to read that last entry. It was written not as a piece of non-fiction, but as an introspective.
Since that Sunday, a week ago, I have finished three finals and one paper. I turned in my Book 2.0 paper on Monday. I also took my Shakespeare's Early Works final and did much better than I thought I would. On Tuesday I took my Folksong and Ballad final and I did pretty much as well as I thought I would with no studying. On Wednesday I took my Book 2.0 final and also did much better than I anticipated.
Evan took me up to my family's house so I could gather a few of my somewhat scattered belongings and go back down. The ride up was stiff. Like revisiting a once-cherished possession - you will never feel the same about it, but you hope that what you do feel is genuine. Not just an echo or reminder of what's past - or worse, a memory hooded in sadness for the present.
At my parents' house I had the same old feeling, pre-f&#@ing-occupied with the same old thought, "he's getting impatient." It does not yet matter that he insisted otherwise. I hate that my mind follows that pattern - I hate it bitterly because now it happens with Sam. And though it may not hurt Sam directly for me to be so preoccupied, he absolutely does not deserve that.
And nether f&#*ing do I!
But, it seems Evan is trying. Or letting go of it. I'm not sure.
I'm just finally letting myself vent about it, because I'm not complacent. I'm not complacent. I'm not.
The ride back was better. We stopped at Sheetz and got some food. He seemed upbeat, which was nice, though I worried in the back of my mind. I've experienced my share of "high"s - his and mine. He doesn't seem to consider that as a possibility though, which - if it is the case - could set him up to crash. Because I do think he is bipolar. He happily popped donut holes and I munched on an apple, and we had a pleasant drive. We talked about what happened, then, without awkwardness. And it was nice. He dropped me off at Sam's, seemed to have a lump in his throat with something to say, but put it off.
I spent the night keeping Sam company as long as I could stay awake. He had his thesis to finish. He hasn't had the best year (entire, 365-day year, not January-to-now year), and motivation has been a problem. Skipping school that day was commiseration and manifestation of this, but now I could not be the co- to his misery =( so I was just there, though I think that helps too.
Thursday was Lavender Graduation. Almost late (damn 495). Rainbow tassel. Emily was there, and Josh and Malcolm, and JV of course. I met Jenna Brager and heard Damion Clark speak. It was fun.
Lunch and then my family arrived. My dad took pictures at the "M". Walked, almost late, to the Comcast Center, where no one asked for a ticket (oh well). It was surprisingly disorganized. But I got a rush walking into the arena, like "wow, alright this is kinda happening isn't it?" Steny Hoyer was a great speaker; Victoria Kennedy not so much - she should have stopped halfway through. And those Gold Medal awards finalists made me feel so lazy! lol. I don't know how the heck the winner achieved a 3.99 GPA. It ran long and I got cranky and almost fell asleep - we didn't get out until 11 and I was still well in sleep debt! It was pretty cool shifting our tassels, that was a pretty surreal moment too. I wore both my red tassel and my rainbow pride one. Afterward, my mom followed me to Sam's, where I picked up a bunch of my stuff and then we went to the house. I had been developing a headache since the ceremony, but here it turned into a full-blown migraine. I actually suspect is was due not to my lack of sleep, but instead to the fact that now I could get a migraine. I refused to stress, but it manifested itself in small ways until now, when I could fully experience it without ruining my entire college career. It was terrible. I couldn't see, I couldn't move, I couldn't function, and worst of all, I couldn't even sleep for an hour. I ended up falling asleep maybe at 4. I worried I wouldn't be able to go to my graduation.
My mom called my phone at 7:30, and I was okay. So okay, in fact, and so excited for feeling okay, that I jumped out of bed, though groggily and unsteadily.
Traffic, and we had to stop for gas, but I arrived by 10:15 still. Tracy, Terry, Lisa, Kimmie, Grandmom, Pa-Pa, Dad, Mom, Court, Kel. They all came, and then Sam made it just on time.
It was surreal, the entire thing. I don't think I stopped smiling. I got to walk the stage twice!! Once for honors and once for the whole procession. I was so excited! My feet hurt like hell but I didn't care (damn heels, damn them to hell, and damn my mom for making me wear them [I take that back though, I love you mom]!). They gave the honors kids Plumly's book, autographed - how awesome! Said goodbye to Josh and Stephanie, saw Alex, took some pictures at the "M" again. Witnessed a proposal! AWWWWWW...
We were planning on going to a Mongolian grill in Silver Spring, but it had closed down! So my mom just executive-authoritied everyone to Tomato Palace in Columbia, which made me grumble for a minute but I was just in such a great mood that whatever.
Lunch was nice. Great salads! Arugula is a strong lettuce but I didn't think about that before I ordered a whole lunch of it, whoops; oh well, I like it pretty well, and it was a good meal in general. My dad and Sam talked music which made me smile, and everyone had a really good time it seemed.
I love my family so much; nuclear and extended, all of them.
Got money from family, yaaay.
Then went to Sam's. He finished, finally, his thesis and paper confusion crap, and we were both, finally, exhaustedly, done.
Saturday, we slept. And did nothing, and watched Kinsey, and did more nothing, and ate some of the awesomest molasses cookies I've ever had. It was uhmazing. Then neither of us thought we were sleepy at 1AM (but believe me it was just endorphins) so we started Young Frankenstein. We nearly fell asleep. And then we did.
And today it is Sunday. And lazy. But I met Sam's friend Sarah because we went to visit his mom at the John Poole House and she was there with Matt for some reason.
Grocery store trip, which was really great because I for whatever reason love grocery shopping and that was one of those BS things for which I never should have felt bad but did whenever Evan came with me.
Home, fun, taco salad, chilled-out awesomeness. He watched LOST and I helped/am helping Kel with a paper on a quote by Pope.
So that's a summary of this past week.
I also opened this up to say what I had begun to say - which was that the last entry was meant to capture how I felt at the time, and it did. I will not ever disclaim it or disown it. But, to give perspective, I do care very much about Evan. That night probably forever changed the way I think and feel about him, but it does not mean that I do not still want to be good friends with him, and it does not mean that my family disowns him as my/their friend either. It's just very different now, for me. And that cannot be revoked.
To anyone who does not know me, his side of the story makes me out to be a money-grubbing bitch,
to anyone who does not know him, my side of the story makes him out to be a closeted, possessive psychopath.
There is no way to avoid that. I wanted to keep it simple and didn't care about being the bitch - not one bit. But what's happened happened. And there's no way I was going to go out of my way to post a huge disclaimer about it.
So now...I'm a college graduate. I am with Sam. I am in love. I am happy. I am able to read books at my leisure. I am moving back in with my parents. I am beginning to look for a job.
I am a college graduate.
I am with Sam.
I am happy.
It's difficult even for me to read that last entry. It was written not as a piece of non-fiction, but as an introspective.
Since that Sunday, a week ago, I have finished three finals and one paper. I turned in my Book 2.0 paper on Monday. I also took my Shakespeare's Early Works final and did much better than I thought I would. On Tuesday I took my Folksong and Ballad final and I did pretty much as well as I thought I would with no studying. On Wednesday I took my Book 2.0 final and also did much better than I anticipated.
Evan took me up to my family's house so I could gather a few of my somewhat scattered belongings and go back down. The ride up was stiff. Like revisiting a once-cherished possession - you will never feel the same about it, but you hope that what you do feel is genuine. Not just an echo or reminder of what's past - or worse, a memory hooded in sadness for the present.
At my parents' house I had the same old feeling, pre-f&#@ing-occupied with the same old thought, "he's getting impatient." It does not yet matter that he insisted otherwise. I hate that my mind follows that pattern - I hate it bitterly because now it happens with Sam. And though it may not hurt Sam directly for me to be so preoccupied, he absolutely does not deserve that.
And nether f&#*ing do I!
But, it seems Evan is trying. Or letting go of it. I'm not sure.
I'm just finally letting myself vent about it, because I'm not complacent. I'm not complacent. I'm not.
The ride back was better. We stopped at Sheetz and got some food. He seemed upbeat, which was nice, though I worried in the back of my mind. I've experienced my share of "high"s - his and mine. He doesn't seem to consider that as a possibility though, which - if it is the case - could set him up to crash. Because I do think he is bipolar. He happily popped donut holes and I munched on an apple, and we had a pleasant drive. We talked about what happened, then, without awkwardness. And it was nice. He dropped me off at Sam's, seemed to have a lump in his throat with something to say, but put it off.
I spent the night keeping Sam company as long as I could stay awake. He had his thesis to finish. He hasn't had the best year (entire, 365-day year, not January-to-now year), and motivation has been a problem. Skipping school that day was commiseration and manifestation of this, but now I could not be the co- to his misery =( so I was just there, though I think that helps too.
Thursday was Lavender Graduation. Almost late (damn 495). Rainbow tassel. Emily was there, and Josh and Malcolm, and JV of course. I met Jenna Brager and heard Damion Clark speak. It was fun.
Lunch and then my family arrived. My dad took pictures at the "M". Walked, almost late, to the Comcast Center, where no one asked for a ticket (oh well). It was surprisingly disorganized. But I got a rush walking into the arena, like "wow, alright this is kinda happening isn't it?" Steny Hoyer was a great speaker; Victoria Kennedy not so much - she should have stopped halfway through. And those Gold Medal awards finalists made me feel so lazy! lol. I don't know how the heck the winner achieved a 3.99 GPA. It ran long and I got cranky and almost fell asleep - we didn't get out until 11 and I was still well in sleep debt! It was pretty cool shifting our tassels, that was a pretty surreal moment too. I wore both my red tassel and my rainbow pride one. Afterward, my mom followed me to Sam's, where I picked up a bunch of my stuff and then we went to the house. I had been developing a headache since the ceremony, but here it turned into a full-blown migraine. I actually suspect is was due not to my lack of sleep, but instead to the fact that now I could get a migraine. I refused to stress, but it manifested itself in small ways until now, when I could fully experience it without ruining my entire college career. It was terrible. I couldn't see, I couldn't move, I couldn't function, and worst of all, I couldn't even sleep for an hour. I ended up falling asleep maybe at 4. I worried I wouldn't be able to go to my graduation.
My mom called my phone at 7:30, and I was okay. So okay, in fact, and so excited for feeling okay, that I jumped out of bed, though groggily and unsteadily.
Traffic, and we had to stop for gas, but I arrived by 10:15 still. Tracy, Terry, Lisa, Kimmie, Grandmom, Pa-Pa, Dad, Mom, Court, Kel. They all came, and then Sam made it just on time.
It was surreal, the entire thing. I don't think I stopped smiling. I got to walk the stage twice!! Once for honors and once for the whole procession. I was so excited! My feet hurt like hell but I didn't care (damn heels, damn them to hell, and damn my mom for making me wear them [I take that back though, I love you mom]!). They gave the honors kids Plumly's book, autographed - how awesome! Said goodbye to Josh and Stephanie, saw Alex, took some pictures at the "M" again. Witnessed a proposal! AWWWWWW...
We were planning on going to a Mongolian grill in Silver Spring, but it had closed down! So my mom just executive-authoritied everyone to Tomato Palace in Columbia, which made me grumble for a minute but I was just in such a great mood that whatever.
Lunch was nice. Great salads! Arugula is a strong lettuce but I didn't think about that before I ordered a whole lunch of it, whoops; oh well, I like it pretty well, and it was a good meal in general. My dad and Sam talked music which made me smile, and everyone had a really good time it seemed.
I love my family so much; nuclear and extended, all of them.
Got money from family, yaaay.
Then went to Sam's. He finished, finally, his thesis and paper confusion crap, and we were both, finally, exhaustedly, done.
Saturday, we slept. And did nothing, and watched Kinsey, and did more nothing, and ate some of the awesomest molasses cookies I've ever had. It was uhmazing. Then neither of us thought we were sleepy at 1AM (but believe me it was just endorphins) so we started Young Frankenstein. We nearly fell asleep. And then we did.
And today it is Sunday. And lazy. But I met Sam's friend Sarah because we went to visit his mom at the John Poole House and she was there with Matt for some reason.
Grocery store trip, which was really great because I for whatever reason love grocery shopping and that was one of those BS things for which I never should have felt bad but did whenever Evan came with me.
Home, fun, taco salad, chilled-out awesomeness. He watched LOST and I helped/am helping Kel with a paper on a quote by Pope.
So that's a summary of this past week.
I also opened this up to say what I had begun to say - which was that the last entry was meant to capture how I felt at the time, and it did. I will not ever disclaim it or disown it. But, to give perspective, I do care very much about Evan. That night probably forever changed the way I think and feel about him, but it does not mean that I do not still want to be good friends with him, and it does not mean that my family disowns him as my/their friend either. It's just very different now, for me. And that cannot be revoked.
To anyone who does not know me, his side of the story makes me out to be a money-grubbing bitch,
to anyone who does not know him, my side of the story makes him out to be a closeted, possessive psychopath.
There is no way to avoid that. I wanted to keep it simple and didn't care about being the bitch - not one bit. But what's happened happened. And there's no way I was going to go out of my way to post a huge disclaimer about it.
So now...I'm a college graduate. I am with Sam. I am in love. I am happy. I am able to read books at my leisure. I am moving back in with my parents. I am beginning to look for a job.
I am a college graduate.
I am with Sam.
I am happy.