The last few days without the internet
Since I didn't have the internet and livejournal, I spent some bored time writing in word instead.
It's rather long, but here are my journal postings.
No Live Journal
6:34 P.M. Saturday, August 03, 2002
This is day three without the Internet or TV. Man, it's boring.
Brendan called me Thursday and Friday. Seems he graduated a week earlier than I thought. He graduated this last Friday. He called me and I was kind of shocked. Here I thought I had another week to straighten myself out, but I don't. I've been having a lot of problems lately. Mood swings, depression and whatnot. I don't understand what's going on with my body to cause such a drastic weight gain.
My clothes don't fit me. So when I don't have to go out somewhere, I just wear my pajamas around the house. The only thing I can feel comfortable and able to move in is that. I want to do more about it, and at the same time I want to just curl up and die. It's hard to get motivated right now. The big problem right now is the moving. For the past 4 days or so, I've eaten fast food because we didn't have food to cook. At the same time, I've been more active due to moving heavy things and constantly being mobile. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to have mattered.
I can't really afford a big shopping trip to get a bunch of perishable organic food to eat and be healthy on. I spent 30 something dollars today on groceries. It was basically nothing. Rice, juice, some stuff for stir-fry, and that's about it. Right now, all I want to due is mix that juice with my bottle of vodka and wallow in self-pity. That or at least be in a better mood due to being intoxicated.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to my Dad's house and go with him to buy a new BBQ. After that, he's going to BBQ some steaks. Really, steak is the last thing I'm thinking about right now. Fuck.
I must take advantage of being jobless. It is the perfect opportunity to exercise and eat healthy during the day with no one around to bug me or throw me off track.
Going back to the subject of Brendan calling on Thursday, earlier that day I received a letter from John. He goes on about how everything is his fault and stuff, things I don't even want to think about anymore. In the letter though, he enclosed a U.S. Dollar money order for $100.00. I had completely forgotten about all the money I loaned him. I never thought I'd ever see any of it again. He said to expect another one in two weeks. Couldn't come at a better time. Though I don't know how to respond to it, or if I even should.
I'm going to pause for a minute to get a drink and some aspirin.
Pause
1-Cup Mango Juice
1/2-Cup Vodka
Not the best mix I've tasted, but I don't care.
Back to the John letter. He says he wants to be in contact with me again. I thought after this much time he would have put me in his past by now. Mainly I say that because I don't think he ever was really in love with me, but just using me as an excuse. He always talks of this connection and mutual understanding. How can he see so much of something I never saw or felt? How could he not see it wasn't mutual for one? I think because he never cared to actually see things for what they were between us. He wanted this great love and kept trying to create with me no matter if it wasn't there or not. He lied to himself because he's lonely. Hey I was lonely too, it's why I tried. I was a big liar too just like him.
So now Brendan is coming this weekend to visit and I have no idea how to entertain him. For one I'm no fun to be around right now and another I'm broke. I'm scaring myself because I sound just like John used to when we first met. I'm the John role now and that freaks me out. Karma indeed.
It's 7:10 now and I can't imagine what I'm going to do for the rest of the night. I'm supposed to get the Internet on Thursday. Pete can't put up the satellite due to association rules. The place where he can put it is way too high up. He has to hire somebody or get a humongous ladder. Pete is also fairly afraid of heights, so I don't think he'll be going up there.
Overall I just feel like shit.
I'm tired of being snapped at and I'm tired of feeling like I can barely move.
I want to sleep for a week.
Still no live journal
10:43 P.M. Sunday, August 04, 2002
Last night Pete and I decide to head out to L.A. to see the Warp Nesh tour. The directions were shit and we were driving around downtown L.A. just trying to find the place. We see some guy walking and we ask him if he knows where the street is. He's apparently going to the same place. He tells us it's packed down there with nowhere to park and that he just parked out at the lot we were at and is walking there. He's says it's a little street you can't really notice when driving.
We park there for 3 dollars and begin walking. Walking solved nothing. We could not find it. The guy we talked to was long gone so he was no help. We walked up and down the streets for an hour I think in total. We ran into two more lost guys and walked with them. With the four of us we felt a little bit safer and ventured into this really run down scary area. There is MOBIAS in some alley in the warehouse district covered in graffiti with tons of people outside it in line. We get in right away because we're paying with cash. Very shady area though if you know what I mean.
The first guy we saw playing was actually someone I'd listened to on public radio, but what he was doing on stage was crazy. He was doing like human beat box type stuff and singing, but recording it at the same time. Then he'd play it all back, loop it and whatnot and make a song right there. It was fricken insane. There were so many well-known guys there last night. None of which I actually knew, but this guy. And I think he stole the show.
After about two and a half hours there, my feet could no longer take it. They were hurting pretty bad. In fact they have been a lot lately. I think I need new shoes. Pete was pretty ok with leaving, but I felt bad. The walk back to the car wasn't so bad considering we kind of knew where we were at that point. We drove home and passed out.
Brendan had called me just when we got out of the car in L.A., but I couldn't talk. I asked him to call me this morning before he left for Marin County and he said he would. He never did though. Maybe he'll call me tomorrow? I hope so. He's leaving for Lake Tahoe for a sort of family vacation then he's supposed to come here. We haven't really been able to have a good conversation yet as he's called at the most inopportune moments lately. Hopefully he'll call again.
That reminds me. While we were walking, a bum ran up to us and yelled, "Hey man! I just jumped off a bridge and I need some new shoes! Can you spare 88 cents?" Pete ignored him so the guy then yelled, "Hey man you could at least say no!" So Pete yells, "NO!" And the guy is like, "Alright man!" and left us alone.
That was all last night.
Today
It's rather long, but here are my journal postings.
No Live Journal
6:34 P.M. Saturday, August 03, 2002
This is day three without the Internet or TV. Man, it's boring.
Brendan called me Thursday and Friday. Seems he graduated a week earlier than I thought. He graduated this last Friday. He called me and I was kind of shocked. Here I thought I had another week to straighten myself out, but I don't. I've been having a lot of problems lately. Mood swings, depression and whatnot. I don't understand what's going on with my body to cause such a drastic weight gain.
My clothes don't fit me. So when I don't have to go out somewhere, I just wear my pajamas around the house. The only thing I can feel comfortable and able to move in is that. I want to do more about it, and at the same time I want to just curl up and die. It's hard to get motivated right now. The big problem right now is the moving. For the past 4 days or so, I've eaten fast food because we didn't have food to cook. At the same time, I've been more active due to moving heavy things and constantly being mobile. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to have mattered.
I can't really afford a big shopping trip to get a bunch of perishable organic food to eat and be healthy on. I spent 30 something dollars today on groceries. It was basically nothing. Rice, juice, some stuff for stir-fry, and that's about it. Right now, all I want to due is mix that juice with my bottle of vodka and wallow in self-pity. That or at least be in a better mood due to being intoxicated.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to my Dad's house and go with him to buy a new BBQ. After that, he's going to BBQ some steaks. Really, steak is the last thing I'm thinking about right now. Fuck.
I must take advantage of being jobless. It is the perfect opportunity to exercise and eat healthy during the day with no one around to bug me or throw me off track.
Going back to the subject of Brendan calling on Thursday, earlier that day I received a letter from John. He goes on about how everything is his fault and stuff, things I don't even want to think about anymore. In the letter though, he enclosed a U.S. Dollar money order for $100.00. I had completely forgotten about all the money I loaned him. I never thought I'd ever see any of it again. He said to expect another one in two weeks. Couldn't come at a better time. Though I don't know how to respond to it, or if I even should.
I'm going to pause for a minute to get a drink and some aspirin.
Pause
1-Cup Mango Juice
1/2-Cup Vodka
Not the best mix I've tasted, but I don't care.
Back to the John letter. He says he wants to be in contact with me again. I thought after this much time he would have put me in his past by now. Mainly I say that because I don't think he ever was really in love with me, but just using me as an excuse. He always talks of this connection and mutual understanding. How can he see so much of something I never saw or felt? How could he not see it wasn't mutual for one? I think because he never cared to actually see things for what they were between us. He wanted this great love and kept trying to create with me no matter if it wasn't there or not. He lied to himself because he's lonely. Hey I was lonely too, it's why I tried. I was a big liar too just like him.
So now Brendan is coming this weekend to visit and I have no idea how to entertain him. For one I'm no fun to be around right now and another I'm broke. I'm scaring myself because I sound just like John used to when we first met. I'm the John role now and that freaks me out. Karma indeed.
It's 7:10 now and I can't imagine what I'm going to do for the rest of the night. I'm supposed to get the Internet on Thursday. Pete can't put up the satellite due to association rules. The place where he can put it is way too high up. He has to hire somebody or get a humongous ladder. Pete is also fairly afraid of heights, so I don't think he'll be going up there.
Overall I just feel like shit.
I'm tired of being snapped at and I'm tired of feeling like I can barely move.
I want to sleep for a week.
Still no live journal
10:43 P.M. Sunday, August 04, 2002
Last night Pete and I decide to head out to L.A. to see the Warp Nesh tour. The directions were shit and we were driving around downtown L.A. just trying to find the place. We see some guy walking and we ask him if he knows where the street is. He's apparently going to the same place. He tells us it's packed down there with nowhere to park and that he just parked out at the lot we were at and is walking there. He's says it's a little street you can't really notice when driving.
We park there for 3 dollars and begin walking. Walking solved nothing. We could not find it. The guy we talked to was long gone so he was no help. We walked up and down the streets for an hour I think in total. We ran into two more lost guys and walked with them. With the four of us we felt a little bit safer and ventured into this really run down scary area. There is MOBIAS in some alley in the warehouse district covered in graffiti with tons of people outside it in line. We get in right away because we're paying with cash. Very shady area though if you know what I mean.
The first guy we saw playing was actually someone I'd listened to on public radio, but what he was doing on stage was crazy. He was doing like human beat box type stuff and singing, but recording it at the same time. Then he'd play it all back, loop it and whatnot and make a song right there. It was fricken insane. There were so many well-known guys there last night. None of which I actually knew, but this guy. And I think he stole the show.
After about two and a half hours there, my feet could no longer take it. They were hurting pretty bad. In fact they have been a lot lately. I think I need new shoes. Pete was pretty ok with leaving, but I felt bad. The walk back to the car wasn't so bad considering we kind of knew where we were at that point. We drove home and passed out.
Brendan had called me just when we got out of the car in L.A., but I couldn't talk. I asked him to call me this morning before he left for Marin County and he said he would. He never did though. Maybe he'll call me tomorrow? I hope so. He's leaving for Lake Tahoe for a sort of family vacation then he's supposed to come here. We haven't really been able to have a good conversation yet as he's called at the most inopportune moments lately. Hopefully he'll call again.
That reminds me. While we were walking, a bum ran up to us and yelled, "Hey man! I just jumped off a bridge and I need some new shoes! Can you spare 88 cents?" Pete ignored him so the guy then yelled, "Hey man you could at least say no!" So Pete yells, "NO!" And the guy is like, "Alright man!" and left us alone.
That was all last night.
Today