Temporary Insanity
Title: Temporary Insanity
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: M for innuendo only
Beta: The amazing spike_1790, who rocks my socks.
AN: This is a follow up piece to Exhaustion, written to try and convert alsha to Spander.
AN II: Song credit to Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels Band
“And that was the unforgettable sounds of Patsy Cline. Stay tuned listeners; next up we ha-”
“Erm, hey Spike?”
“Gmph.”
“Spike! Wake up?”
“Sodding hell, what?”
“Your hand’s umm…”
“Oh, right. Let me just… whelp you’re going to have to move your, yeah and if I just, right.”
“So why was your - ”
“Had this discussion yesterday, yeah? Warm.”
“Yeah but that’s not what -”
“Let’s just call it temporary insanity and leave it well enough alone, yeah?”
“That’s probably for the best. I’m going to head out, want anything?”
“Half a dozen virgins?”
“Sorry, Wal-Mart said they only stock them at Christmas, anything else?”
“Nah, I’m good. Unless you want to splurge on cable?”
“Yeah, dream on, Willy Idol.”
“I’ll get you back for that one, Harris.”
“Bring it on, Bleach.”
…
“Hey Spike, have fun stalking all the scary bad guys in my basement?”
“Have fun serving hot dogs to yuppies?”
“Point taken. Truce?”
“Not even close Whelp; I still owe you for that crack this morning.”
“Xander Harris is the joke master. You shall be defeated!”
“You’re going down in flames, little boy.”
…
“Sugar for dinner? No wonder you’ve got a body the girls are all chasing after.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know plenty of ladies admire my luscious bod. And it’s not sugar; it’s Count Chocula.”
“Luscious bod. Tell me that’s some stupid American joke I’m glad I don’t understand.”
“Ha ha Spike, you’re so hilarious.”
…
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Harris, I’m not looking at you.”
“Yes you are, with the Wile E. Coyote eyes, and the badly hidden smirk and oh no! Tell me you didn’t defile the Count just to get back at me!”
“Still don’t know what you’re talking about, I haven’t done a thing. Pure as driven snow, I am.”
“Yellow snow, maybe.”
“Now that’s just downright rude.”
“You did something to my cereal!”
“Got proof of that, do you?”
“I don’t need proof, you’re evil!”
“Aww shucks… You say the sweetest things, ducks.”
“This is war, Spike.”
…
“Oi, pass the popcorn.”
“Evil-cereal-defiling-fiends do not get popcorn.”
“Now don’t be like that, pet.”
“Remind me again why you’re not still tied to a chair?”
“’Cause you wanted to get your hands on my luscious bod.”
“Sorry, who wanted to get their hands on whom?”
“If I remember rightly, your hands ended up quite comfortable on my -”
“Changed my mind! You get your own popcorn, here! In fact, I’ll go get a nice glass of A positive and a new bowl.”
“Knew you’d see it my way eventually, Harris.”
…
“Bloody hell!”
“Payback’s a bitch, huh Spike?”
“What the hell did you put in my blood, you twat?”
“Oh nothing much. Just half a bottle of Tabasco sauce.”
“You’ve got to sleep sometime, boy.”
“Yeah whatever, just apologise for whatever you did to the Count and I’ll agree to call it even.”
“You want me, William the Bloody, to apologise for messing with your sorry excuse for nutrition?”
“Ah ha! So you admit it!”
“Not going to happen.”
…
“Shove over, Whelp.”
“Nuh and uh! You started this war, Blondie. And enemies do not sleep next to me.”
“That’s not what you were saying last night.”
“God, you can make anything sound sexual, can’t you?”
“With your hot little hands all over my - ”
“Alright already! So long as there are no more mentions of… hands. In any capacity. And you stick to your side of the bed.”
…
“The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind and he was willin' to make a deal.”
“Spike, wake up, you no good vamp!”
“Mphm.”
“I know you’re awake. What the hell did you do?”
“You know, you keep accusing me of things with no proof, pet. Bound to hurt a man’s feelings, y’know?”
“And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said: "Boy let me tell you what: "I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too. And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.”
“You’re not a man, you’re a vampire. Now, why is my hand stuck to the alarm clock?!”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Whelp. Maybe you didn’t clean up right last time you paid the piper.”
“Paid the - gross Spike. I’m not talking about… that… with you! Just tell me what you did!”
“Johnny you rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard. 'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals the cards.”
“Well I suppose in the hypothetical situation that I could possibly have anything to do with your current predicament… I’d say your hand got super-glued to the clock when you tried to hit snooze.”
“Which is a big fancy way of saying you’re a jerk who put super glue on my alarm clock!”
“Hypothetically.”
“And he pulled the bow across his strings and it made an evil hiss. Then a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.”
“You’re going down, Billy Biteless, even if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Big words from a little boy.”
…
“Xander, you’ve gone too far this time.”
“Spike? How did you even get the phone number for my work?”
“What have you done to Passions?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know damn well what I’m talking about. The sodding TV won’t turn on and Passions is on in ten minutes.”
“Huh. It must be broken. I’ll get someone out to fix it sometime in the next few days.”
“The bloody thing is not broken; it was working fine an hour ago.”
“You know these old sets Spike; it’s been on its last legs for years. Must have finally thrown in the towel. ‘Though maybe it will resurrect itself if you apologise. Ready to give up yet?”
“Messing with a man’s blood is one thing Harris, but you’ve gone too far threatening with my show.”
“Yeah, yeah. Got to get back to work. Bye Spike.”
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: M for innuendo only
Beta: The amazing spike_1790, who rocks my socks.
AN: This is a follow up piece to Exhaustion, written to try and convert alsha to Spander.
AN II: Song credit to Devil Went Down to Georgia - Charlie Daniels Band
“And that was the unforgettable sounds of Patsy Cline. Stay tuned listeners; next up we ha-”
“Erm, hey Spike?”
“Gmph.”
“Spike! Wake up?”
“Sodding hell, what?”
“Your hand’s umm…”
“Oh, right. Let me just… whelp you’re going to have to move your, yeah and if I just, right.”
“So why was your - ”
“Had this discussion yesterday, yeah? Warm.”
“Yeah but that’s not what -”
“Let’s just call it temporary insanity and leave it well enough alone, yeah?”
“That’s probably for the best. I’m going to head out, want anything?”
“Half a dozen virgins?”
“Sorry, Wal-Mart said they only stock them at Christmas, anything else?”
“Nah, I’m good. Unless you want to splurge on cable?”
“Yeah, dream on, Willy Idol.”
“I’ll get you back for that one, Harris.”
“Bring it on, Bleach.”
…
“Hey Spike, have fun stalking all the scary bad guys in my basement?”
“Have fun serving hot dogs to yuppies?”
“Point taken. Truce?”
“Not even close Whelp; I still owe you for that crack this morning.”
“Xander Harris is the joke master. You shall be defeated!”
“You’re going down in flames, little boy.”
…
“Sugar for dinner? No wonder you’ve got a body the girls are all chasing after.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know plenty of ladies admire my luscious bod. And it’s not sugar; it’s Count Chocula.”
“Luscious bod. Tell me that’s some stupid American joke I’m glad I don’t understand.”
“Ha ha Spike, you’re so hilarious.”
…
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Harris, I’m not looking at you.”
“Yes you are, with the Wile E. Coyote eyes, and the badly hidden smirk and oh no! Tell me you didn’t defile the Count just to get back at me!”
“Still don’t know what you’re talking about, I haven’t done a thing. Pure as driven snow, I am.”
“Yellow snow, maybe.”
“Now that’s just downright rude.”
“You did something to my cereal!”
“Got proof of that, do you?”
“I don’t need proof, you’re evil!”
“Aww shucks… You say the sweetest things, ducks.”
“This is war, Spike.”
…
“Oi, pass the popcorn.”
“Evil-cereal-defiling-fiends do not get popcorn.”
“Now don’t be like that, pet.”
“Remind me again why you’re not still tied to a chair?”
“’Cause you wanted to get your hands on my luscious bod.”
“Sorry, who wanted to get their hands on whom?”
“If I remember rightly, your hands ended up quite comfortable on my -”
“Changed my mind! You get your own popcorn, here! In fact, I’ll go get a nice glass of A positive and a new bowl.”
“Knew you’d see it my way eventually, Harris.”
…
“Bloody hell!”
“Payback’s a bitch, huh Spike?”
“What the hell did you put in my blood, you twat?”
“Oh nothing much. Just half a bottle of Tabasco sauce.”
“You’ve got to sleep sometime, boy.”
“Yeah whatever, just apologise for whatever you did to the Count and I’ll agree to call it even.”
“You want me, William the Bloody, to apologise for messing with your sorry excuse for nutrition?”
“Ah ha! So you admit it!”
“Not going to happen.”
…
“Shove over, Whelp.”
“Nuh and uh! You started this war, Blondie. And enemies do not sleep next to me.”
“That’s not what you were saying last night.”
“God, you can make anything sound sexual, can’t you?”
“With your hot little hands all over my - ”
“Alright already! So long as there are no more mentions of… hands. In any capacity. And you stick to your side of the bed.”
…
“The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal. He was in a bind 'cos he was way behind and he was willin' to make a deal.”
“Spike, wake up, you no good vamp!”
“Mphm.”
“I know you’re awake. What the hell did you do?”
“You know, you keep accusing me of things with no proof, pet. Bound to hurt a man’s feelings, y’know?”
“And the devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said: "Boy let me tell you what: "I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a fiddle player too. And if you'd care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.”
“You’re not a man, you’re a vampire. Now, why is my hand stuck to the alarm clock?!”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Whelp. Maybe you didn’t clean up right last time you paid the piper.”
“Paid the - gross Spike. I’m not talking about… that… with you! Just tell me what you did!”
“Johnny you rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard. 'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals the cards.”
“Well I suppose in the hypothetical situation that I could possibly have anything to do with your current predicament… I’d say your hand got super-glued to the clock when you tried to hit snooze.”
“Which is a big fancy way of saying you’re a jerk who put super glue on my alarm clock!”
“Hypothetically.”
“And he pulled the bow across his strings and it made an evil hiss. Then a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.”
“You’re going down, Billy Biteless, even if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Big words from a little boy.”
…
“Xander, you’ve gone too far this time.”
“Spike? How did you even get the phone number for my work?”
“What have you done to Passions?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know damn well what I’m talking about. The sodding TV won’t turn on and Passions is on in ten minutes.”
“Huh. It must be broken. I’ll get someone out to fix it sometime in the next few days.”
“The bloody thing is not broken; it was working fine an hour ago.”
“You know these old sets Spike; it’s been on its last legs for years. Must have finally thrown in the towel. ‘Though maybe it will resurrect itself if you apologise. Ready to give up yet?”
“Messing with a man’s blood is one thing Harris, but you’ve gone too far threatening with my show.”
“Yeah, yeah. Got to get back to work. Bye Spike.”