merry christmas to me
Well, after this year, i realized what makes me get so depressed at Christmas, and how i REALLY need to get this out for people to know. Because i'm so tired of being like this at Christmas.
So, I LOVE. LOVE Christmas. Well, I use to. But ever since my life has changed, my happiness just goes away. Christmas eve came and thats when it starts. I get really sad, thinking about who i'd rather spend Christmas with, and how my whole Christmas life will probably never happen again with the same people. When I was little, ALL my family came to MY house, and WE made the food, and people came to SEE US. Now. it's like we have to make the effort to even just SEE people. I miss having everyone I love with me. That was the best part about Christmas. I used to get so much, but to be honest, i never really cared about that as much as i did my family. THATS what Christmas was for me. This year I decided to look at what was going on. Christmas day I went to a party with Gina's relatives and I realized that i'm really awkward when i'm by myself. I mean, I had Gina but I didn't want to keep her from her family. Then I went to MY family get together. This was people from my mom's side. I felt so at ease. At first there were little kids there, and the one really took to me. He was so sweet. But when they left, I looked around at all the people and realized, wow, these are the people I grew up with... and i'm going to have to sit through life and watch them all go. I only get to see them once a year, they all look so happy, am I the only one that thinks about this? Why can't i save this moment forever? I felt like I was just sitting there watching them all die. I actually almost started bawling. Then I think about the last Christmas I had in my house, my home. I know it's been three years, but it still affects me. a lot. I think about how my family broke, and I feel like I should hate everyone, but I just don't have the energy or the willpower. I think about all the good Christmas's I had when I was little, but then that one Christmas, everything was ruined. Everything. Now I look at everyone and lets face it, my families old. I figure in the next 10 years, all i'll have is me and whoever I've found as a boyfriend... which I even doubt i'll have. Its crazy how everyone thought I was the happy, calm, nice girl who always smiles. I guess I get that from my mother. I put up a good front. But when it comes to ME, all i think about are the sad things. I don't really know if i'll ever have a happy Christmas any time soon.
So, I LOVE. LOVE Christmas. Well, I use to. But ever since my life has changed, my happiness just goes away. Christmas eve came and thats when it starts. I get really sad, thinking about who i'd rather spend Christmas with, and how my whole Christmas life will probably never happen again with the same people. When I was little, ALL my family came to MY house, and WE made the food, and people came to SEE US. Now. it's like we have to make the effort to even just SEE people. I miss having everyone I love with me. That was the best part about Christmas. I used to get so much, but to be honest, i never really cared about that as much as i did my family. THATS what Christmas was for me. This year I decided to look at what was going on. Christmas day I went to a party with Gina's relatives and I realized that i'm really awkward when i'm by myself. I mean, I had Gina but I didn't want to keep her from her family. Then I went to MY family get together. This was people from my mom's side. I felt so at ease. At first there were little kids there, and the one really took to me. He was so sweet. But when they left, I looked around at all the people and realized, wow, these are the people I grew up with... and i'm going to have to sit through life and watch them all go. I only get to see them once a year, they all look so happy, am I the only one that thinks about this? Why can't i save this moment forever? I felt like I was just sitting there watching them all die. I actually almost started bawling. Then I think about the last Christmas I had in my house, my home. I know it's been three years, but it still affects me. a lot. I think about how my family broke, and I feel like I should hate everyone, but I just don't have the energy or the willpower. I think about all the good Christmas's I had when I was little, but then that one Christmas, everything was ruined. Everything. Now I look at everyone and lets face it, my families old. I figure in the next 10 years, all i'll have is me and whoever I've found as a boyfriend... which I even doubt i'll have. Its crazy how everyone thought I was the happy, calm, nice girl who always smiles. I guess I get that from my mother. I put up a good front. But when it comes to ME, all i think about are the sad things. I don't really know if i'll ever have a happy Christmas any time soon.